Friday, December 31, 2004

Through Ice, Snow, and Life Storm.

No, Vacation hasn't killed me just yet. It's managed to kill our internet access however, so I'm typing furiously at the radio station while my dad waits patiently for me. Actually rather impatiently so I better go quick. I am doing well and managing to plow my way through all my belongings and attempt to throw out, repack, and reminisce. I better run but I'll be back soon. We've had several inches of ice and snow the last 24 hours. Not fun but we're still alive.

Monday, December 20, 2004

Unspeakable Joy

For those of you still wondering, yes I did make it through finals week alive. I even passed all my finals and classes! In fact I got a 96% on my logic final, a 98% on my counseling final, and a 95% on my Biblical Foundations of Ministry final. Those are the big ones, the other 3 I did fine on and my photography final I passed with flying colors as well.
For the overall grades, well I got 4 A's and 3 B's. There were a couple pluses and minuses in there, but overall that's what they were. I was very content with those grades.

And so I'm home, safe and sound. The trip to Alec had to be post-poned due to car issues, but nevertheless I'm home. So far I've gotten in some good sleep, some good baby holding time, as well as had some dental work done. Yeah, I don't feel like talking about that one.

I've also found the Christmas "joy" I was looking for. Thursday night while still at school, a bunch of us went out caroling around the neighborhood and gave every house we sang at a tract. It was a pretty cold night, but the last house we stopped at left a memory in my heart. A lady came to the door and was soon followed by her husband holding their adorable little boy. The little boy couldn't have been more than 2 if that even. As they stood on their porch listening to us sing they kept looking at the little boy's face. I couldn't help but think that this must have been one of the first times he had ever seen car0lers. As I watched him stare with big eyes at us as his parents kept smiling over his amazement, I realized that I had found it. I had found the wide-eyed amazement joy that I had been searching for. In this little boy's face was the joy of Christmas. It's not about feelings, but about true amazement and joy over what the season is about. Jesus Christ was born, but the only faces that held amazement were of his parent, some shephards, a few stray animals, maybe a few other random folks. Yet the angels proclaimed on of their greatest messages that night, one that we should still proclaim today:

"Glory to God in the Highest!"

May you give the glory to God for the joy of Christmas.

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Where Is Your Christmas?

Tonight is a mixture of stuff. I won't explain it since I don't even know what it is. However I do know that God is good, and His mercies ARE new every morning. And every moment I think as well. He has provided me with joy beyond comprehension that last few days. And even this evening as I feel a little down, I know I have joy in the Lord if I will only trust in Him. So I'm off the Christmas concert and play here this evening. It's a huge event that happens tonight and tomorrow evening. It would seem that the whole town shows up for it. Half of the campus must be involved in either the choir, the drama, the handbells, the orchestra, etc... I'm not involved, which causes some mixed emotions. But tonight I hope to be seated next to a good friend and simply let it impact me.
I'll leave you with a great thought that I received today. Find Christmas in the right place tonight. What will you do with Jesus?

"He who has no Christmas in his heart will never find Christmas under a tree."

Saturday, December 04, 2004

In Search Of The Christmas Spirit

Lord willing 2 weeks from today I will be done with finals and visiting friends in Alex. On this beautiful Saturday, I find myself in the library working on yearbook pages and realizing how horrible I've been at writing. In past writing has been my way to express what is going through my mind and heart and therefore work through it. In the past couple of weeks, I've felt the responsibility to keep you up to date, and therefore have not taken the time to sort through my thoughts and write them down.

So for today, perhaps something a little deeper for your reading adventure.

I find myself lacking in the Christmas Spirit this year. If you know me at all you know that I absolutely love Christmas and almost everything about it. I love everything from the twinkle lights to the giving of gifts. I love to give gifts and love the thoughtfulness behind them. My family and good friends will tell you that in the receiving of gifts I would much rather get one very thought out gift versus 5 "oh I saw this and it looked cute" gifts. But most of all, I love to give gifts. It's only 21 days (3 weeks) before Christmas and I have yet to get in the mood. I brought back tons of decorations for our room with me and yet I haven't found the energy to put them up. I could blame my lack of Christmas Spirit on the lack of snow, the fact that I'm not out where there are tons of Christmas celebrations going on, I have no approved Christmas music to listen to, I have no Christmas Party to attend, etc... However, I won't. Those are negative things, which I choose not to dwell on. Part of me does think that once even more decorations get put up, or even that I simply do something Christmassy that I would feel better.

Today as I pondered this over, I realized that Christmas is a time of feelings. We feel good when we receive a gift from someone special, we feel warm and fuzzy curled up by the fire, we feel hungry as we smell sugar cookies baking, we feel extra close to God during Christmas services and scripture readings, we feel deep when we choose to look beyond the hype and remember Jesus in a manger, and we feel all the time. Feelings are not wrong, they are a gift from God, but when we choose to let our feelings take over, we're in trouble. I think that's what I've been doing.

I've felt at such a loss for the Christmas Spirit and those normal feelings I have that I've missed the deeper things. This is truly a time given to us to remember and ponder the birth of Jesus Christ. Whenever the Christmas story is read, I tend to not focus on the important big things, but the little minute details. I wonder how scared a young teenage Mary was being so pregnant and uncomfortable and realizing that there was no place to stay. I wonder how inadequate Joseph felt as he seemingly failed to provide for young Mary. I wonder how busy and hectic it really was in Bethlehem that night, and how much of the outside noise came into that "stable" (cave) even above Mary's screams.

I have learned to look beyond our nice nativity scenes and wonder about the real events. I have not doubt that Mary experience great pain while giving birth. I imagine the hay was uncomfortable and the stable smelled horrible. I imagine the shepherds smelled bad and woke up a very exhausted young mother. I imagine Jesus screamed and cried just as babies do as they come into the world. I also imagine what Mary was thinking as she looked into the eyes of her baby. I think she felt the overwhelming feeling of love for this baby mixed with the confusion of knowing this baby was God's son. As the day-to-day tasks of raising a child and feeling overwhelmed with the responsibility started, how could Mary handle knowing she was raising God's son, not just a little boy of her body and heart? Then I look forward to the cross and imagine the extreme pain she felt as a mother watching her son die a cruel death. Yes, she knew he was God, but she was his mother and he was dieing.

The Christmas song "Mary did you know?" used to bother me. As a child, I used to think that of course Mary knew that he was God; the angel had told her so. Now I realize there was no way she would know all that would happen. Perhaps she held the normal Jewish view that the Messiah would be a military ruler who would free the Jews forever. Perhaps not. Perhaps God blessed her with knowledge somewhere in her heart that all this is what was supposed to happen. Perhaps she simply had such a great faith in God that she trusted Him no matter what. I imagine it was a little of all of these. What I do know is that God chose Mary out of an entire world of women to bear His son. She was young, a teenager most likely. Yet her faith in God stood out like a shining light to God and the world to come. She was special, she was chosen, and yet she was in some respects and ordinary girl.

So today as I "seek" the Christmas Spirit, I pray that I would be found worthy like that young mother. While circumstances are different, I pray that I would find favor with God. What an unspeakable honor to be told by an angel that you highly favored and have found favor with God. Yet Mary's response convicts me as well, she responds, "Behold the maidservant of the Lord! Let it be to me according to your word." She was in some way aware of the shame of being pregnant and not married that would follow, and of some of the trials, and yet she responds Let it be so.

Today I pray that as each day comes I would be humble as the maidservant of the Lord, and willing to go through whatever God sees fit. Oh to find favor with the Lord. I seek that Christmas Spirit today.

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

And Then It Snowed

Yes, I am aware of life outside of my college. I just haven't been very good at keeping up with it. Thanksgiving was awesome, I got to spend some great time with my great friends, spent some time hanging out at the station, helping with their mailing, spent some good time with family, spent some very little time sleeping, and of course spent lots of time holding the babies. I ended up having about 4 Thanksgiving meals I think, so I'm a little turkeyed out for now.

It was such a huge relief to come back to school and know there were only 3 weeks left and then I could go home again. I hope to stop in Alec and see some of you peoples on my way home. I don't have a very heavy load up until finals week, which is very nice. Finals might be rough but I think I'll make it ok. We're doing lots of work in the darkroom coming up in Photography the next two weeks and that's a great thing to look forward to.

Other than that, I'm just enjoying having shorter hair and being reminded every day that God is sovereign and watching over me. His mercies are new every morning and His blessings are far beyond what I deserve.

Oh yeah, It finally snowed! I threw a snowball yesterday, it was wonderful. I like my scarves and red mittens.

Saturday, November 20, 2004

I Am Resting

When I awoke yesterday morning and realized it was Friday I said a prayer of Thanksgiving to God for getting me through the week. I remember praying late last Sunday night as I tried to finish 3 of my many things due this week for God to just get me through the week. I asked for diligence and enough rest. Good grades would be wonderful but just making it would be enough. So when I awoke yesterday morning I was so grateful for Friday.

Not only did I just make it through the week, I did it rather respectively. I received a 95 on my history paper, as well as a B on my history test. The rest of the tests and projects I feel fairly good about. Maybe when I get them back I won't, but for now I do.

Yesterday evening I was invited to the Bob and Mrs. Johnson's for dinner. Bob is a Older student and Mrs. Johnson works on campus. Which is why I can call him Bob and have to call her Mrs. Johnson. Anyway, they are wonderful and their daughter was home along with their other daughter and her family. We had a great homemade meal and I spent some time chasing 2 year-old Jacob around. We watched a movie and I left feeling so warm and loved. Today was super relaxing with some shopping done, some painting at the church, and a great Mexican dinner out with friends. All the makings for a great weekend.

And yet, tonight I'm listening to a song shared with me by Holly entitled "Jesus I Am Resting" and thinking how much I still have to rest in Jesus. The last month or so has been chaos, and lots of work so I didn't have any choice but to simply trust Jesus to get me through every day. But I still have to trust the same. It's easy even in the good times to be tired and let things discourage us. That's when I still have to trust and rest.

Not only rest and trust, but rejoice. The chorus goes as such: "Jesus, I am resting, resting, In the joy of what Thou art; I am finding out the greatness Of Thy loving heart."

So tonight, I rejoice in God's greatness and take joy in who He is. I hope you do the same.

Saturday, November 13, 2004

If Only I Were A Poet...

If only I were a poet I would write some ode to a research paper. Alas, I am not a poet therefore I will spare you any attempt on my part to do so.

I am in the midst of the throngs of writing a paper for history. Not exactly the way I would choose to spend my Saturday afternoon, but it's my lot nonetheless. I am planning on taking a minor break to teach Gianni to drive a stick shift. Which is somewhat humorous if you take into account the fact that I still have not mastered it myself. Ah chiropractor needs some business anyway.

The sun is out in abundance here today and I am very appreciative of it. However, I'm still holding out hope for snow before Thanksgiving. It's a little hard to get into the Christmas spirit when there is no snow to be seen anywhere. Maybe some twinkle lights will help...hmm...

Thursday, November 11, 2004


I feel as though I've been allowed to briefly come up for air before being plunged back into the furry of the waves again.

I have made it through this week with alive but very much sleep deprived. As I sit here all I want to do is go to bed. Seriously, I might sleep for the entire Thanksgiving break. I have written several papers and projects, taken several brutal and one easy test, and managed to not die in the process. Next week is going to be worse however, and I hope to prepare for it by working really hard this weekend. Whether or not it will work is yet to be known. Although I am very tempted to simply sleep all day Saturday. But alas, the library opens at 11 and I shall be here studying away soon after. A very ugly looking History of Civilization paper is facing me for Monday along with a huge reading project for Counseling and another project in Old Testament.

Lest I sound like I'm complaining let it be known that I love my classes for the most part and am learning so much. But I still have one question to be answered, WHY MUST ALL THESE THINGS HAPPEN AT ONCE?! Ah well, it's not a conspiracy but sometimes it feels like it. Amazingly however, although I have been tired this week, I have seen God work mightily and sustain me through the week. I have not had strong claustrophobic feelings of not being able to accomplish everything, but rather have sensed God helping me through every moment of each day.

On a somewhat more somber note, today is Veteran's Day. I'm sure you are aware of this, but I thought I would bring it up myself. I'm working on a little something in honor of Veteran's Day, but it might take a while to bring forth to even blog publishing quality. It might even be Memorial Day before it's done, but this should keep you in suspense until then. I would like to take advantage of this very moment to say thank you to all the veterans and current soldiers. We have not forgotten your sacrifice, and for what it's worth, there is at least one teenager who is immensely grateful for your sacrifice.

With that, I shall return to my 100 pages of reading and hope to actually accomplish something of value this evening. Although my bed is very tempting. But we have a dorm meeting tonight and that is required attendance so I must stay awake until 11pm at least.

Monday, November 08, 2004

Friends In All Shapes, Sizes, and Stripes

Ah the guilt of posting when I have a huge paper and test looming over my head. That sentence means that this will be short and to the point.

I love my friends. I miss talking to Annymae...oh where, oh where have you been my dear Annymae? I know, I haven't called you either. Hopefully you're now reading this and overcome with guilt that you will now use to call me.

Seriously though, our friends provide us with a little extra flavor and chaos in our lives. We learn from them, we make mistakes with them, we go astray because of them, we experience joy, we have the kind of laughter that is understood only to those it involves, we experience pain, we experience loss, and we experience LIFE because of them.

Tonight it's comforting to me that as I sit in a very quiet library on a very small Christian college campus that I have friends all over the place. These are the kind of people that friends are made of. There are those long-time friends who call to check up on me and are awaiting my return at Thanksgiving. Yes, some of them now have husbands and babies, but they're still my great friends. I have a wonderful friend in PA that I've known for over 4 years now. There are times when we don't talk for several months, but we can always pick back up where we left off. I have a great gang of friends in Alexandria. Several of whom I'd like to keep forever. I have my best friends who are away at their own respective colleges. While the times may come and go, they're still my most trusted buddies ever. I've lost and gained their trust and they still love me. I have friends here at school. While we're still working out kinks and still learning to be friends, I do have pals. I have my parents, who are some of the greatest friends I could ever have. These are the people that make up my well, my me. These are the friends that we refer to do in our daily lives and that are always popping up in our memories and prayers.

So tonight I thank the Lord for you, my friends. I know I'm not great about keeping in touch more than once a week. Ok, every two weeks. But you mean the world to me. You've been there for me in the past, and I see the future as a lonely place without you. Thanks for being my buds.

Above all, friends may come and go, they may use us, abuse our friendship, love us, care more than we deserve, and oftentimes they may leave. Overall though, those friends that make up the "good stuff" in life are those who've been there through the good and the bad, and still love us. So here's to my friends who have stuck it out, and even those who haven't. I've loved, learned, and even lost because of you. I wouldn't trade that for all the Cherry Coke in the world.

And Annymae, Call ME!

Friday, November 05, 2004

Is Double Always Better?

There are approximately 150 high-school students on campus right now. They are here for the yearly choral festival which Pillsbury hosts. This is a great ministry and a fun time, but it's also a lot of extra people around. Some good things include better food in the dining hall and no assigned seating in chapel this morning. To be taken into consideration is that fact that this student body is only around 180 so in one day the number of people on campus has basically doubled. While this provides no lack of entertainment it also provides lack of sleep. Evenings tend to be loud anyway, but as a general rule college students are pretty much zombies in the morning. However I was awakened at 6:00 this morning by several shrieks in the hallway. Not a normal occurrence but a humorous one nonetheless. Ahh such is the life of a campus suddenly doubled in size.

I'm looking at a weekend filled with homework as the onslaught begins again next week. However I had several good talks with two of my professors yesterday and that was very encouraging. It's hard to believe but we all received our pre-registration packets yesterday for next-semester. It's so crazy to realize how fast the semester has gone. I'm very excited looking at next semester and figuring out my classes. Not quite as many freshman classes and I still get to take a class from Mr. Hudson. But there's still plenty of this semester to get through and lots of stuff to work on. So I'm off for a power-nap before work.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

The End Of The Beginning, Or The Beginning Of The End?

Bush has won. That is all I have to say. The beginning is over, or else the end is just beginning. Whichever way you look at it, I'm just glad it's over. Now we get to listen to people gripe about it and state even more ridiculous reasons as to why the country is going downhill. Ahh yes...freedom of speech.

I should be reading right now. For class that is. Better yet I should be letting the word of God flood into my weary soul. That isn't a bad idea.

Life. What a strange, wonderful, terrifying, and miraculous concept.

Monday, November 01, 2004

When We Blind Ourselves

I had a wonderful weekend at home. Lots of good preaching thanks to the pastoral candidate and lots of good food thanks to the ladies in my church. I left feeling as though I hadn't gotten to spend anywhere near enough time with my parents though. But I really did. I had an amazing conversation with my dad, one that I will not soon forget. That's all I can say about that. My mom and I had some good talks as well. Nothing earth shattering, but the stuff that builds your love for each other even more. I returned very reluctantly to school and feeling odd. I couldn't put my finger on it until this evening. And all I really even know right now is that I'm different. I'm not the same person that drove away from this campus on Friday evening. I don’t exactly know what the difference is, but I know it’s there. As I sit here in the library reading a well-known blog I’m suddenly struck by what has disturbed me for many months. I see mistakes I made this summer, big mistakes, and I ache. I read about what unfortunately is increasingly becoming the norm for our “Christian” world.

When I was younger, somewhere between 1st and 6th grade, my junior church teacher started teaching us about the blind community. She was preparing us for a visit we would have from her niece who was blind. In order to do that she told us as much as she could about what to expect and what life was really like for blind people. She told us in order to know what it feels like we should go home, shut our eyes, and try to walk around the house. I decided to try this myself. Unfortunately, my teacher had not counted on my mom having gone grocery shopping and in my enthusiasm to walk "blind”, I would go too far and step all over my mom's bread. Needless to say, my mom was less than pleased and couldn't understand why I would go around walking with my eyes closed. I was to embarrassed to explain it to her.

I tell you this story to draw some application for our world from it. So many of our preachers and Christian leaders are walking blind. So many of us are walking blind. All across this country “Christian” colleges are teaching students to continue walking blindly. Yet all we have to do is open our eyes. We are not truly blind but we walk as though we are. God has given us His word, and it is void of errors. There is absolute truth in the world. God is a God of love, but He is also righteous and holy. Heaven and Hell do exist, and are very real places. Human beings will be sent to hell, not because God wishes them to perish, but because they do not accept His plan of Salvation. The ONLY way to get to heaven is by believing on Jesus Christ. Not just believing that He existed/exists, but that He was fully God and fully man, He came to earth to die for our sins, which He did, and He rose again on the third day. He is alive sitting at the right hand of the Father in Heaven.

We so often talk about our “freedom in Christ” and the responsibility to be open minded enough to be able to combat bad logic. This is true, but we take it too far. I have been challenged before to move beyond my simple thinking of faith and really be able to defend it. This is true for the most part. As a Christian I have the responsibility to know what the Bible teaches and to be able to defend my beliefs. However, childlike faith is something that we should all strive for. I have heard the “reasoning” that a person is simply a skeptic that needs proof or that they simply wanting to be able to fully believe without reservation. Well, let me tell you about faith, better yet, let me let God tell you out of Matthew chapter 11.

25 “At that time Jesus answered and said, "I thank You, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that You have hidden these things from the wise and prudent and have revealed them to babes (children). 26Even so, Father, for so it seemed good in Your sight. 27All things have been delivered to Me by My Father, and no one knows the Son except the Father. Nor does anyone know the Father except the Son, and the one to whom the Son wills to reveal Him. 28Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."

To have faith like is a child is something that we should all want. Yes, read your books, learn to defend your faith, and make sure it is right. But when you stand before the eternal God someday He will want to hear more than “Well God, it just didn’t make sense.” Have you ever prayed for faith? God doesn’t just grant us grace as Ephesians 2:8-9 says, but He also grants us the faith to believe. Not only is grace not of ourselves, but the faith to believe comes from God as well.

Tonight I ache for those who have chosen to be “blind” in this world. Those who have twisted the scripture or flat out refuse to believe that scripture is true no matter how hard it is to swallow. So what if we cannot swallow it? If it all made sense to me, I would either be exalting myself to God’s thinking or lowering God to my thinking. I pray for those who cannot find faith in God. I ache for those who go through life so consumed with their own lives and what God needs to prove to them that they miss the treasure of having simple childlike faith. I realize it’s not easy and that we have different personalities, but scripture isn’t relative. God’s truth applies to all of us.

So tonight, I pray that if you are seeking truth, that you will seek it in the God who is truth. I do not wish to say that I have achieved this all, or that if you are struggling with belief that you are somewhere lower on God’s pedestal. Just the opposite, you are the one God is reaching out to and wishes to welcome home. I struggle everyday. At those times, I must read the rest of that passage in Matthew 11. Not only should we have childlike faith, but when we truly come to Christ, we will receive rest. Our searching souls can find rest everyday in the truth that God is truth.

If we have received salvation from Christ, we are no longer truly blind. We can open our eyes and stop wandering blindly about this life. Let us forsake the imitation truth and really see the truth of scripture. Let us stop shutting our eyes and realize that we have an incredible gift of faith that we are trampling on in our blindness.

Friday, October 29, 2004

Struggling Between Fear and Faith

I got off work early this afternoon which leaves me more time to pack. You see, I'm going home this weekend. For myself, this is no small event. I've only been home once since coming to school at that was for less than 24 hours after my brother's wedding. I'm driving up to the cities tonight to stay with a friend and then both she and I will be going to my house tomorrow. My church has a candidate for pastor there this weekend so he will be speaking tomorrow in addition to Sunday so we hope to make it in time to hear him speak in the morning. It's a huge relief to not have to make the drive all by myself. This morning I wondered how I would make it through the day. I only had two classes, but I had to take a test that I had rescheduled and I had a quiz. I passed the quiz, but the test I'm not so sure about. It's not that I didn't study, in fact I studied very hard. But it's a class that both tests I've gotten so confused when I go to answer the questions that I just dreaw a blank. It's funny how when you get tired that you start being satisfied with lower grades.

Actually that's not true, I get even more frustrated, but I don't know what to do about it. I can only push myself so far and I seem to be less productive when pushed that far. Ahh well, it'll slow down for a week now before it picks up again. A week of reprieve before the next onslaught as it were. Along with that is this weekend of refuge. I'll be with lots of people at the church, but other than that I have no plans but to spend time with my family and hug my mom a lot. My brother and his wife will be coming home as well with my nephew Alex. Considering how much Alex loves to talk that will make the weekend even more fun. I might not get lots of physical rest, but I plan on resting my soul a whole lot. My spirit needs some refreshing and a break.

So there is 30 minutes until dinner and I think I'll take this opportunity to either go pack or read a book that isn't required...hmm but then there's the chance to get ahead on homework...ahh the choices of life.

Your prayers would be appreciated for my home church as this weekend occurs with the candidate. My prayer is for a pastor. I don't know this man and his family at all and I know nothing about them. But I pray that God will bring a shephard to our church to do just that, shephard. So please pray for guidance and for provision.

I look forward to my short drive into the cities. It's not so far tonight and it'll be good to have some time just to be. Be what I'm not sure. I'll have time to think, pray, and process the last few weeks. There are some relationships I need to work through and some issues in my heart. God never ceases to amaze me with His overwhelming prescence. When I feel so dry and empty that I can't even ask to be filled, He causeth my cup to overfloweth. Maybe not visibly with physical blessings, but the cup in my heart overfloweth with the knowledge that He restoreth my soul.

Last night in our floor meeting Ms. Roiger (she runs the bookstore on campus) came to share with us. She's a wonderful lady and radiates the love of God to everyone. Her sister is a freshman here and we're getting to be friends. Anyway, Ms. Roiger shared about the passage in Mark 4 where Jesus calms the storm. She mentioned how since we know the end of the story we often miss the details in the middle. Like the disciples panicking for instance. They weren't just gently waking Jesus up trying to get His attention, they were doing some serious panicking. After He calms the storm we all know how they remark that even the wind and waves obey Him. Yet it's so easy to miss the importance of this little verse: "But He said to them, "Why are you so fearful? How is it that you have no faith?" When the storms of life are crashing all around us why is it that we're so fearful? We can have faith in our Father. We ended our floor meeting last night by sinking "It Is Well". Listening to over 30 girls sing of the peace of God reminded me how fearful I've been lately.

And so I leave for the weekend asking God to calm my heart and replace my fear with faith. May you find His peace as well.

Sunday, October 24, 2004

Wait? Or MOVE!?

I have had one of those startling moments that soon turn into minutes of contemplation. While reading on a website the thought struck me, "Which is better, to stick your neck out and be daring, or to be reserved and think things through until you can't think anymore?" I realize that at first this is kind of a random and somewhat disorganized question. I would like to expound on it to make it more sensible.

I should clarify by saying this was read in the context of relationships, but I think it applies in other areas as well. I have seen from personal experience and from watching others that so often we miss things and opportunities in life by sitting around and waiting. But then we often get into trouble or miss even better opportunities when we rush into things. I personally can go both ways. There are times (most times) that I sit back and simply overanalyze which leads to building walls and missing what is here and now. I've been challenged over the past, well maybe year or so, that sometimes we need to just enjoy what we have here and now. Forget worrying about it just enjoy it.

You can get into trouble by applying this to the wrong areas, and make some pretty bad decisions along the way as well. There are definitely Biblical principles to apply, and God is definitely all about patience. After all, we are to wait on the Lord. But we are also to seek the Lord while he may be found. And so where is the balance? I go back and forth. But today it struck me as I was reading about missed love and lost love that we miss so many things by trying to figure it out on our own. I have always tended to the side of waiting and seeing what God has and then moving forward only when it's safe. However, today as I sit and watch Freshman wasting time mooning over each other, and I also see others who have pursued God's timing and couldn't be happier, I wonder what the balance is? Will we ever truly know when to get off our rear ends and pursue life?

I have seen people whose lives have passed them by as they wait for that sign from Heaven. I've also seen people who never stop but keep rushing about trying to figure out what God wants for them. Yet they never stop to genuinely seek the Lord.

I like change. It's something that can be a burden and a blessing. I don't like to sit still for long. I get bored or dissatisfied very quickly. When I was younger and lived at home I was always rearranging my room. Then after a couple months I would get bored with it and do it again. My mom loved it 'cause this was usually the only time I cleaned my room unless threatened with severe punishment. As I got older I loved to go new places and try new things. I worked in upstate N.Y. for two summers and loved it. I traveled to Chicago on Missions trips several times. I also had a variety of jobs in high-school. It wasn't that I couldn't keep a job, but rather that I enjoyed keeping the main one and then adding different ones with the change of seasons. I had one job steady throughout high-school but it wasn't very many hours so I would work another place in the winter and then do something different again in the summer. As the time approached to choose a college I went back and forth and finally ended up in the least expected place. After the first semester I knew this program wasn't for me. That January God used a future missionary in a huge way in my life. I've referred to it before so I'll just summarize. Basically I was asked why I wasn't pursuing missions as my life and why didn't I just go to Bible College if I wanted to so much. I was left speechless and the rest is history. I moved home for the summer and now I'm here at Pillsbury.

When I was younger my mom often told me that I needed to be content no matter where I was. I often wondered throughout my life why this was so hard for me and why wasn't I getting it? Well, the day came that God revealed something huge through my mom. I was feeling disgruntled about not knowing where to go and my plans being changed and what not. I truly thought I couldn't be content. Then my mom gently told me that she was so encouraged to see me doing so many different things and loving so many different schools. She told me that it showed her that God could take me anywhere in life and the world and I would be content and love it there. What I had thought was discontent was actually flexibility and a love of going wherever. Oh, I still have to be careful to be content, but now I see God's hand in it. And for now, I plan on being here at Pillsbury until I graduate. I need to have some firm grounding for a while and let God work in my personal life.

How does this apply to the subject at hand you ask? Simply this, there are times in our lives when we need to wait. However it's important to be following and listening to the Lord during this time. Sometimes that means being very active and busy where you are. Sometimes it means getting away and seeking the Lord with all of your being. As far as relationships go, it's true that relationships shouldn't be rushed into, however I think we so often mistake apathy for patience.
There are also times when we need to go. God may not have made it clear how or where, He simply wants us to take that first step and He will lead the rest of the way.

This is the hardest thing for me to believe at times. Those of you who know me pretty well know how much I hate not knowing things. I'm getting better for sure, but I certainly like to be aware of what's going on. My friends enjoy stringing me along at times just to aggravate me. I like to know what's going to happen so I can plan for it and not be inconvenienced or have to simply go with the flow. I like to go with the flow, but with my paddle in hand helping. God is continually teaching me and giving me opportunities to have to trust Him to hold my paddle.

Fear is a powerful tool at motivating us into apathy. All of us as humans fear the unknown to some extent. Whether it be whether or not the roads will be bad on the trip, will a girl/guy reject me, or will God really never leave me? From the little things to the life-changing things we are experience fear. And yet God promises to never leave His children, and He is stronger than fear.

So to bring all that together I would like to say this:
God is more powerful than any circumstance or person in our lives. If we are truly seeking and finding our identity in Him, we will not be destroyed by rejection or fear. So seek the Lord while He may be found. Wait when He needs you to wait, but don't use that as an excuse for apathy and inaction. When God says move, MOVE! Not all situations are outlined in scripture or have a clear-cut God thing in them, but basic principles can be applied. I don't tend to ask God whether or not I should go to work on time; I just do it because it's a commandment to obey authorities. Sometimes we sit and ask when we should simply realize the principle that applies and get up and do it.

This is extremely long and I'm not sure it makes tons of sense, but I hope you get at least part of it. My prayer today is that we put aside our fears and obey the Lord.

Saturday, October 23, 2004

Chasing My Tail (Eeyore Style)

Well, it's been awhile and yet I'm still here and you're wherever you are. It's been a fast and yet really long week. Next week proves to be worse. If I make it through intact I'll be blessed. I have 4 huge tests next week in addition to 5 projects being due. So why am I blogging? I'm not sure except to keep you coming back. I would appreciate your prayers as I go through the next week. I need diligence and strength in abundance.

It's been a cold, rainy, and windy week here. Not exactly my idea of fun when all I want is to see some snow. My poor mittens are feeling neglected. A little promise of snow would be good. Meanwhile my photography is on hold while we wait for a decent day for outdoor shots. I did manage to turn in the first roll of film, but this second one might take a while. It's not due until Tuesday so I pray for nicer weather before then. I'm anxious to get my first roll of film back on Tuesday to see just how it turned out.

I'm very much against counting down the days until something. I don't mind other people doing it, in fact I always loved asking my engaged friends how many days until the wedding. But personally, I don't enjoy it. My roomate attempted to count down the days until Thanksgiving, Christmas, Spring Break, and Summer on our white board. I quickly but kindly vetoed the idea. I simply do not do well living for the time God has given me today when I'm constantly looking ahead. So I try to not count days and simply look for what He has for me today. However, this weekend it's hard to wait for Thanksgiving. I feel the need to go home. My mom sent me a package yesterday and it was much appreciated. It was full of all the right things and I love it. But it made me want to count the time before Thanksgiving. Ah well, God is strength. If this week goes by relatively ok, I'd like to make it to Alec sometime soon. It would be great if Tracy, Anne, and myself could meet there and visit our fine friends. We shall see.

This isn't a post of great revelation, but one of life. And so now I shall return to mine which consists of books at this point. Prayers are appreciated as well as email and packages. I feel a little like Eeyore on this blustery day. I feel a little like I've lost my tail and the wind keeps blowing it away. It's not as bad as all that, but a good analogy nonetheless. At least my house doesn't keep falling down. For great Eeyore insight and great sound clips click here.
So I'm off to chase the tail of midterms. Whatever tail you're chasing today, I pray you catch it and that it reattaches rather unpainfully. Also that you're house doesn't continually fall down.

Monday, October 18, 2004

The Win That Got Away

Because of some unfortunate events, along with a lapse in my brain functions, I missed the Vikings game last night. They still won though, which goes to show how much they need me cheering them on. So congradulations, and I'll try to see it next time.

It was a very long weekend on this end complimented by very little homework. On a more positive note however, today was an ok day. Yep, very positive.
I would like to share with my reading audience a little known fact about a girls dorm bathroom. See on weekends the bathroom doesn't get "cleaned" on our floor. Which is just fine, considering there are only like 10-30 girls still left on our floor on an average weekend. But that is definitely enough girls to make Sunday a day in which toilet paper is in very short supply. There is a certain stall in our bathroom that anyone hardly ever uses. My theory on this is because it's right in the middle, thus you have a rather large listening audience, and it's also placed where the lights don't really reach it so it's very dark. That's my theory as to it's neglect anyway. So usually, when most of the other 6 or so stalls are out of toilet paper, this one has some. So I use it for that very reason. Yesterday however, even that stall was out. You know things are desperate when the dark stall is out of toilet paper. And so that was the exciting weekend revelation. Don't worry, one of the other cleaning gals with keys to the cleaning closet realized our plight and blessed us with more T.P. And so ends my sad tale.

On another somber note, it has yet to actually snow. I did dig my winter coats out, and purchased my red mittens, but still no snow. It's very sad.

Some not so fun stuff happened this weekend on our floor, which I won't get into except to say your prayers would be appreciated. It's not a huge deal anymore, but it's still somewhat affecting some friendships.

The next two weeks are going to be killer academically speaking, especially next week. Lots of projects and huge tests in every class. Ahhh life. I know I'm supposed to be here, but at times like these I get tired and wonder if it will all be worth it. Especially when I look at the even harder classes and semesters I have still ahead of me. I know, take it one day and one semester at a time. But I would definitely appreciate your prayers. On that note, I'm off to try to make up for the craziness and weirdness of the long weekend and study. Keep cheering on the Vikings and watch out for those squirrels, they're evil.

Friday, October 15, 2004

No Longer Just Surviving

Wow. It's been a week since I last posted. It seems like so long. Thank you for your patience, and for continueing to check back for new things. I can't say it was a needed break in the sense that I was hiding for the right reasons, but it did benefit me. I don't have a long time to post right now because I'm working off the computers in the library because of new restrictions on our dorm computers. So it'll be short but at least you know I am alive.

And I am no longer simply surviving. The last 2 or 3 weeks that's exactly what I've been doing. Simply getting through each day with the hope that something will change tomorrow or that miraculously stuff will change. That's not my recommended way to live by the way. I definitely couldn't put forth the energy to write about the surviving, because you aren't really living when you're surviving. Oh there's no doubt that you're alive, but it's not the abundant life that we should have as Christians.

No worries however, as God has used the events of and since Wednesday to shake me up and plant my feet back on His solid ground. I'm still a little shaky, but each day is better than the day before. I will attempt to fully update you some other time this weekend, but for now I simply thank you for your prayers, and to my friends, thanks for still being there.

Oh yes, there is a prediction of snow for tomorrow! This makes me very happy! It's been so cold lately that I wish it would just snow. I've been accused of being an Eskim0 by Charity and Bekka, but I simply believe that I was given an appreciation for the beauty in winter. And even I will be sick of it come March don't worry. However, for now I look forward to twinkle snow and twinkle lights. I'm also very thankful that Dr. Casey has post-poned our Intro to Counseling test that was to happen on Wednesday until at least the next week. Which means I only have to conquer an Old Testament and Logic test next week. Ahh Logic. What would we be without it? Well illogical for one. Anyway, I'm off to put on warmer clothes and then off to work.

Friday, October 08, 2004

Animated, Presidential, and Easy Mac.

It's been a wonderful last 24 hours. I even have the blisters to prove it. Last evening we did indeed wander around in the dark chasing each other for over an hour. Chasing people through the dark and drinking weird milk and water concoctions when captured was involved. It was great fun followed up with great s'mores, testimonies, and singing around the campfire. I then had a Heartbeat for Missions meeting followed up by an all girls dorm meeting. During which we had a fire drill which was not the most fun for me. Stemming back to the actual fire that happened in the girls dorm when I worked in New York. But that was completed and we all got free late lights because of it.

Today was the annual Campus Service Day. Which means no classes and lots of blisters for me from raking lots of leaves. We had fun though. After work I spent all evening in the Student Center/Coffee Shop which is now known as the "Pillsbury Perk". No comment from me on the name by the way. We watched "Ice Age" and then the Presidential Debate and then "Finding Nemo". In my thinking Presidential debates must be bookended with animation. It was a good debate, and I didn't go nuts with politics. It was good to be watching it with people from my logic class and some guys who actually have their heads on straight. I'm still not getting into politics, but it was definitely good to take a break from my disgust of politics to learn some more about the election. And I'm still sticking with my original vote. Although I am tempted to write in Mr. Hudson (My Logic teacher) as my vote for president.

And so now it is my designated time for bed since we do not have lights out tonight. I'm planning on being burried in books and my bed for the rest of the weekend because I'm way far behind in reading. So have a wonderful weekend and if I need a break to enjoy writing I will try to fill you in on my umm reading. So it won't be that interesting. Oh well. Good-night! Sleep tight! And don't underestimate the goodness of "Easy Mac".

Thursday, October 07, 2004

Playing Hide And Seek With Myself

As kids one of the greatest games we always play when we had at least two people was hide and go seek. And if you had 3 or more it was even better. Get a group of 10 cousins or so and you had the makings for a great game.

Lately I feel as if I've been playing hide and seek with myself. It seems as though I've been lost and don't know where to look to find me. Do I even know who me is anymore?

But God has been faithful as always. He's gently reminded me that I am His daughter, a child of the King and therfore a princess. I am a Princess. Not simply the Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, or Cinderella kind, but the real one. I know how horrible the story of Guinevere, Arthur, and Lancelot is said to be at times, but I still love it. Growing up and watching the "Knights of the Round Table" as well as reading some of the books pertaining to it, I loved the story. I always wanted to live back then, and get to wear the gauzzy dresses, veils, slippers, and tiaras. Somehow if life were real though I imagine I would be a farmer's daughter no matter the era. But regardless of that piece of reality, my favorite character was always Lancelot's wife, Elaine. I even liked her so much that as a kid I named one of the real live cows that I claimed as "mine" Elaine. I know, pretty cheesy. Regardless of how much Guinevere was supposed to capture us as the heroine Elaine was and still is my favorite.

As a child I simply saw her as beautiful and very graceful. She was quiet and meek, and even then I could tell how much she loved Lancelot. You can read a little piece of history about her here. Now as I look back on it, and for not having seen the movie in a very long time I still remember the story quite well. I can see how much she really loved Lancelot. She loved him with all of herself. Some say she loved him so purely that he was not deserving of her love. I thought this as well as a kid. I thought it so unfair that Lancelot would love Guinevere who was already married and not see what a wonderful bride he had right in front of him. And for heaven's sake don't marry her if you're not going to love her. This brings to mind a very hard thought, was Elaine better off being married to someone she loved with her whole heart who would eventually be unfaithful, and was unfaithful always in his thoughts, or to be in love by herself and never be married to him.

Alfred Lord Tennyson himself wrote a poem about Elaine entitled "The Lady of Shallot". This poem is quoted and "reenacted" in "Anne of Avonlea".
I'd like to quote a little piece of this great poem if I may.

"And sometimes thro' the mirror blue
The knights come riding two and two:
She hath no loyal knight and true,The Lady of Shallot."

Tragically, the story of Elaine has a sad ending. Some say she died while giving birth to her son by Lancelot, Sir Galahad. Some say she died of a broken heart when she saw and realized her beloved Lancelot was unfaithful. I always wanted to cry when Elaine and Arthur died in the story. It was such a tragic waste of two lives.
"The Knights of the Round Table" is a tragic story of two people (Lancelot and Guinevere) destroying not only their spouses but perhaps an entire kingdom and legacy with their selfishness.

Now lest you think I cannot live in real life, I can. I simply wish to ponder a lesson from this story. Elaine gave all of herself to Lancelot, because she loved him. I'm not here to make comparisons or draw analogies about "LOVE". I'd simply like to say that I think Elaine was a much better picture of a princess than was Guinevere. I loved Guinevere for her strength and for her name as well, but I loved Elaine more. She was the picture of true and pure love and sacrificed it all. She wasn't a princess, but I like to think of her as such.

So back to my main point. I am God's Princess. And someday I will stand before Christ as such. Not as the imperfect human being I am, not a princess of Guinevere's or Sleeping Beauty's like, but of the Bride of Christ.

For today, I have found myself again in Christ. Sometimes it's hard to let go and focus on God. But as I sit writing I hear Gianni playing a beautiful piano piece by Lorie Line and thank God for never letting me go. I had lost myself, but God has never lost me. I lost myself because I had forgotten to talk to the one who is my identity. I wasn't letting go of things He wanted me too and letting myself simply be His Princess.

I love Fall. I love the crispness in the air, the rain that falls, the smell of leaves and the chill in the air, the promise of twinkle snow and Christmas, and the way it makes me stop and reflect. Something I haven't been doing enough of lately. I've been so busy and tired that I've let myself be discouraged. God has reminded me of who He is and therefore who I am in Him. And so tonight as I go dress in dark clothes with my new "Pillsbury Sophmore" T-shirt in order to go play a crazy game with the rest of the student body, I'll do it with a much lighter heart. I have so much to do, but I have a lighter heart to do it with.

I choose to write again, not because I MUST update my blog, but because I remember that I love it. There are times I need to do things because I have to, but this blog needs to be fun and enjoyable. I need to write because of my love and passion to do so.

I don't know if you can understand, but I thought I'd share a little of my thoughts from the last 24 hours. I have remembered I have a heavenly tiara, and maybe I'll invest in a real one to remind me of who's I am. Perhaps I'll also post "The Lady of Shallot" on my wall to remind me to invest myself in what is right as well.

I'll leave you with this thought however.
Once again God has reminded me in a rather unsubtle way that I must have forgiveness and give it to be able to be used by Him, that I must serve others, I must take care of my relationship with Him first above all else, and that I must give all of me and all that I have to Him. For if I hold on to it, I will draw away from Him.
Have a wonderful fall evening, and don't forget to be the Prince or Princess God has adopted you to be.

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Longing For "The Good 'Ole Days"

I'm going to keep this short but I felt that I should at least let you know that I am alive. I had a wonderful weekend. I'll give you a quick run down. My brother is now married and that's great. I have a nephew in addition to my adopted "niece". I had a great time with Tracy. I got to hold Emma! I got to see Jenn and Matt as well as Steens. I got to worship with my home church. I went to Duluth instead of Cloquet on my way back to school. I got in a traffic jam on the freeway outside of Sandstone. My car overheated. I didn't get back to school until after 11pm. My car still isn't working right. I'm exhausted, but it was wonderful to be home. I love my parents so much and it was great to be held by them for awhile.

Along those same lines, today is my mom's birthday so I would just like to say "Happy Birthday Mom!" I love you, and am so thankful that you're my mom. You're a wonderful Godly woman that I'm proud to call Mom.

I have so much to write, but so little energy and time. I'm behind, way behind it feels like, in my homework, and I'm soooo tired. Work is going fairly well.
I probably won't say much for the rest of the week. As well as probably not email or be on the phone much. I need a break.

This may be in a sense biting the hand that feeds (posts) me, but I'll say it anyway. I'm sick of technology. At work today we had some kind of training that involved learning about the past 4 "age groups". I loved hearing about the 30's through the 50's. I wish we could recapture some of those family values and work ethics. All that goes along with "The good 'ole days". I'm sick of not having time, of making ourselves so busy even God has to take a number. It seems as though our grandparents and before had more time for God than we do today. Yes, they had their own distractions, but they valued what was important.

Sunday afternoon I got to hear my grandmother, who's in her late 80's has deteriorating health problems, and can't remember things the way she used to, sing "Great Is Thy Faithfulness". It says something for the value of our hymns when my grandma who can't keep names straight and can't remember what she wants to when she wants to, if she has hymns memorized and can still sing them, well it brings me to tears. If she can still say/sing wholeheartedly, "Great is they faithfulness" well I need to as well. God truely is faithful, and He will raise me up. But first, I need to get away from this technology and go talk to Him. Take care, and I will eventually be back.

Thursday, September 30, 2004

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

What Is Average?

There's something in my conscience and my pride that won't let me go more than a day without posting something new. Even if I don't have anything really great to say, I must post! If for no other reason than to make sure that little label called "Average posts per week" doesn't go any lower. Yeah, I know, it's pretty pitiful.

Which in my mind where one thought quickly distracts me to another, I'm left wondering who gets to decide what average is? Obviously our mathematicians get to go with Archimedes on this one and determine the mathematical average. But what's average in the real world? And no, math is not the real world. I understand that we need math to survive but if you live in a world of only numbers, you need to go for a run or something else that will make you gasp for air.
Anyway, I digress from running.

So what's average? I would like to propose that there is a so called "average" that the world gives us. However, I think we should break that concept. Let's not simply fit in, Let's be fools for Christ. Even the church gives us what is considered "average" or "normal". I propose that we should break those concepts as well. The last thing I want in my life is to be labeled as an "average" Christian. I don't wish to do anything dishonor the name of Christ, so I'm not talking extreme Christianity that does not follow Biblical commandments. No, what I'm saying is that God calls us to an unordinary Christianity. We have become ok with the world. Paul clearly states in scripture that if we are truely following Christ as we are commanded we will be hated by the world. The world will see us as foolish. We are to be fools for Christ. Not to act foolishly, but to be fools in the world's eyes.

If I am ever seen as "normal" or "average" in Christ's eyes, I fear I will be seen as a child not seeking to live an called apart life for Him. I was so blessed by reading Tracy's post recently. She entitles it "Can't Get No Satisfaction". First of all, Trace, I love you. You have grown so much and I've gotten to see it. You bless me in so many ways. Thanks so much for your great "package"! I so needed that alligator picture and all the monkey stickers!
Back to her post though. We must find our "something real" in Christ. Only in Him is our satisfaction found, and we will only be totally and truely satisfied in heaven.

Until then however, let's not be average. Oh I don't mean that you have to dye your hair or grow 2 more inches. No, let's make Jesus Christ proud of us. May He not be ashamed to call us His children. If we are complacent today, or satisfied, may we be filled with a hunger and burn with a fire that can never be quenched. May we never be content to be labeled as "average".

Monday, September 27, 2004

It's True...

It is true, someday we really do discover that our parents were right after all. Now granted I knew this a long time ago, but I was reminded of it again today.

I started my new job at Josten's today. I discovered how repititious this job will really be. Josten's sells class rings and announcements and such. Today was spent in a 3 hour long meeting going over part of the manual for the job. Basically what I will be doing is sitting at a computer and checking over order forms for mistakes and such. But it pays well and as a college student I can't complain about that. Also the speaker in chapel today was talking about the sin of "murmering" so I really can't complain. So what does this have to do with my mother being right about all along you ask? Simply this. Mom made me learn to type fairly well. I wasn't always thrilled about this, but it certainly helped me get this job. Now hopefully it will help me keep it.

I also noticed today that the work ethic in a lot of people my age stinks. This is not a absolute statement by any means, I'm simply noticing this in general. My parents instilled a great work ethic in me since the time I was little. So again, they were right. This has definitely helped me get and keep many wonderful jobs.

So tonight as I quit procrastinating and go write my paper, I would just like to say thanks Mom and Dad. Thanks for making me work hard most of the time, and for making me learn to type. Also, thanks for making me read and giving me a love for words. I can't wait to see you both in less than 4 days! YAY! Katie says she knows I've been in college for over 2 years because I've started to thank my parents for stuff. I thought back and realize that appreciation is just another thing my parents taught me. I'm just finally getting around to voicing it more. So let's not murmer tonight but say thank you to those who need to hear it more often. I'm also going to go write this paper.

But not before I thank RLP for his kind comments. I don't feel that I did him justice so here is another plug. Check out his blog here. Also make sure you read about his new book coming out. It promises to be a great read. And now I shall go be studious.

Saturday, September 25, 2004

What Do You Say 50 Posts Later?

Technically this is officially my 51st post on "Forever Seeking Weakness". Wow. That's a lot of writing and chattering in the last 2 months. I would like to mark this occasion with this thought:
What do you say?

I had this thought and song running through my head today. So many times in our lives we don't know what to say about anything. For about the last couple weeks, but especially the last 24 hours I've had a situation on my mind. It's to personal to share, but this thought has stemmed from it. And so I'm left asking what do I say? The answer for this particular thing has come, and the answer is nothing. Sometimes it's better to say nothing at all.

This song has a beautiful melody, but unfortunatly it points to your heart as having all the answers. The answers don't come out of our hearts, they come out of God's word. The Bible talks about how our hearts are deceitful and wicked, who can know them? I praise God that He knows my heart and loves me anyway.

What do you say when a couple who only want to raise children for the Lord are given 2 handicapped kids? What do you say when a loving husband is beheaded in Iraq? What do you say when your friend won't tell you what's wrong? What do you say when you're not really happy for someone? What do you say when joy overflows your heart? What do you say when you watch 2 people you care about commit their lives to each other forever? What do you say when you see those first pictures of the baby? What do you say when you realize that God is no longer near, but that you have not drawn near to Him? What do you say when God says "Give it up, give it to me, let it go, let me have it, trust me my child, I have something far better"? What do you say when you have to say good-bye and you know it's for forever? What do you say when you can't say good-bye? What do you say when life brings pleasure and when it brings pain? What do you say when you realize once again that you're only a sinner saved by grace and that you don't deserve God's love? What do you say when you realize that God is once again showing you He's in control and that you have to trust Him? What do you say when God changes your plans because of that? What do you say when you can say nothing at all?

You pray. God is the only reason we can say anything at all. Our very air comes only from Him. The strength to move our lips comes from Almighty God.
So I say this: "Father, I don't know what to say or even pray. I'm full of flaws, I'm sinful, I can't do it God. But you can. So please Help!" Sometimes He answers the way I want, sometimes He doesn't. Either way, What do I say?
I say: "Thank you God. I love you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Please hold me. Please wipe away my tears. Please gather my tears in your bottle. I love you Abba."

Someday I would like to write something about Psalm 56:8. I looked back over my recent posts, and noticed that I've been talking about crying a lot lately. Not because I've been doing a lot of crying physically, but because my heart has been crying out to God.
Psalm 56:8 says this:
"You number my wanderings; Put my tears into Your bottle; Are they not in Your book?"
I would love someday to get a tear bottle. Dawn (I worked with her back home) has one, and it's so great. It's a wonderful reminder that God is gathering my tears in His bottle. I don't have to handle them, He will.

I'm so thankful that when I don't know what to say about anything or about something in particular, that God knows. When I can't even pray, God knows the cry of my heart.
So let's not follow our hearts and let it lead the way, let us instead follow God's word and let him lead us. And as I let go and say nothing at all but this, "Thank you God for gathering my tears in your bottle." And I know He sees me. He sees me as Lovely.
Because of the blood of Christ we are lovely.

Number 50: I See You

I see you.
Although you may not want me to, I do.
You think I see the imperfections, the mistakes, the heartaches. You cover them and wear your mask so that I won’t know.But I do.
You are afraid that if I see the pain, the mistakes, that I’ll think less of you.
That I’ll see you as you really are.
What you do not know is that I already see you as you are.
I see you.
I see you as lovely.
I see you as who are you.
I see you as you go through your day.
I see the smile you give to the one in the hall. The first smile she has had all day.
I see you as lovely.
I see the lunch you bought for the one who couldn’t for them self.
I see you as lovely.
I see you as you give a random hug. To someone who thinks no one cares.
I see you as lovely.
I see you as you share about Christ’s love. To one who feels unloved.
I see you as lovely.
I see you when you give the one a ride home so he doesn’t have to walk in the cold.
I see you as lovely.
I see you when you take an extra shift at work. So she can go to dinner with her dad for what will be the last time.
I see you as lovely.
I see you as you dance beneath the stars for only your heavenly father to see.
I see you as lovely.
Yes, I see the pain in your heart.
I see you as lovely.
I see the mistakes you make everyday.
I see you as lovely.
I see the hurt you are caused by others.
I see you as lovely.
No matter what, no matter who comes and who goes. No matter what clouds your heart and what causes you pain. It doesn’t matter what you do that you shouldn’t, or what you don’t do that you should. It doesn’t matter who says hateful things, and who ignores you. It doesn’t matter if you are alone or in a group. Lonely or filled. Upset or happy. Peaceful, joyful, or even sorrowful.
I see you as lovely.
I see you as who you are.
You are mine and I am yours.
I see you as lovely.

Friday, September 24, 2004


As I read back over my last post it struck how utterly random it really is. I learned the ASL sign for random the other day. It involves taking an open hand and drawing it across the front of you while closing it into a fist. In my mind this symbolizes taking a whole bunch of things or thoughts and drawing them together to make one. That's just my opinion mind you, but it seems to be fitting of my last post. It's funny the things and people which make up our lives.

I was reading someone else's blog today and it spoke right to my heart. He's a pastor and he was talking about how his blog is his place to be sad, angry, happy, basically just be himself. He's very well known now, and you can access his blog here. I will warn you that he is very candid at times therefore, the language is not always the cleanest to whatever standeards you have. But it's worth taking a second to stop and ponder what he has to say. He gets lots of feedback and that makes it even more interesting.

As you can tell from my last post I'm looking for you to comment on my posts. Sometimes I wonder if Tracy and Mom are the only ones who actually read Forever Seeking Weakness. This is not to guilt trip you, but simply to say that it's kind of scary to think that only 2 people read my blog. But it's also comforting. I sometimes forget that real live people are actually going to be reading this. It's easy for me to get to close to stepping on someone's toes, or to be far to open about what's going on in my life. I'm always scared somebody is going to read what I write and decide I'm suicidle or that I'm not a very good Christian because I have times of doubting. I know where I stand with God, but sometimes I forget that what I write isn't always read the right way. I also have to be careful about what I say because I do know my grandparents read this. Hi Grandparents!

All that to say that I'm doing ok. I just choose to take this time between classes today to ponder blogging. As I've said before, I definitely do not share all of my heart on here. I share very few pieces in fact. A lot of that is protecting other people's privacy, as well as my own. A lot of things happen regarding other people's lives that I do not talk about even though they impact my heart and life.

For this moment however, I will. I know my roomate Holly doesn't read my blog, simply because I haven't told her about it. So therefore I feel a little more free to talk about her right now. If someday you do in fact read this Holly, know that I love you, but I'm sick of you being on the phone. That sounds very much like a mom yelling at her 13 year-old daughter to get off the phone. In reality the situation is simply that Holly has a very serious boyfriend named Ben whom she talks to A LOT. He lives 2 hours away and so they spend a lot of time on the phone. She calls him to wake him up in the morning, he calls during her break in classes, she calls him during lunch, he calls during his afternoon break from work, he calls after he gets off work, she calls him before dinner, he calls after dinner, they talk a lot in the evenings, and they talk until one of them falls asleep. We simply have different views on what's healthy in a relationship. If I talked to anyone on the phone that much I'd feel smothered. And frankly, last night I was sick of my friends not feeling welcome in my room because she' s always on the phone. I was trying to study and they were having somewhat of a disagreement and I had to leave to get some sanity. Charity even thought Holly didn't like her because she never talks to her. Granted Holly doesn't know very much ASL, but still. GET OFF THE PHONE! I'd like to be able to come into my room and talk to my roomie, not my roomie and her boyfriend on the phone.

Now I will justify all that by saying that I'm very glad they have each other, I'm not jealous, and I love my roomie very much. I'm just sad that I don't get to talk to her that often.
There, that's something personal for you to chew on for a while. Something that also frightens me is that you will bring up some silly thing I said on here to me when we talk face-to-face or over the phone. In some senses I look at this as being my safe place to say whatever I need to, but then I forget that people are actually going to read it and draw conclusions off of it.

Oh well, I'm me and this is what I have to say. I feel like I'm stuck in my writing. Not just on here, but my other writing. Yes, I do more. It's like all I can blog about is my boring everyday events. Where did all the profoundness go? Where is my creativity? I feel sorry for you, this is not very creative. I try to at least make it interesting. I feel as though somehow my own personal style of writing is getting sucked up into the idea that I need to write as worthwhile as other people. That I should be able to captivate audiences instead of simply being real. But for now, all that is happening is that this post is getting longer and longer, and I'm getting less and less homework done. So I'll sign off, and for the sake of leaving you with even more boring information I'll tell you this.

I'm still a teenager. I only have about 9 months left of being a teenager, but today I feel like I'm 13 and starting all over. Why you ask? Because I have a huge zit on my forhead and I'm very self-conscious about it today. Charity told me I was beautiful last night, which involves circling your face to make the sign. It made me laugh and I signed back "no, I feel gross". Which I do. So there. There's some self-consciousness to make you remember that I'm not mature all the time. I too have times of not caring that God thinks I'm beautiful, but simply wanting to put on my jammies and go back to bed. I think I need some rubber duck pajamas. They would be cute.
So today it's all about the randomness. I will stop being so self-consumed for 2 minutes and say that I hope you have a wonderful day and that squirrels still rock.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

It's Okay To Cry

My little green frog feels very flat today...
And that's the extent to my deep thinking today. If only because in about 2 minutes I have to go analyze an article and then write a paper answering questions about it for Logic class. Which will take up more brain power than I have right now. And so, you get the weak frog logic.

It suddenly occured to me this evening that the next week and a half before my brother's wedding will go much to fast. I have 3 very hard tests next Monday and Tuesday, and 2 papers due next week as well. I'm not sure why my teachers decide mid-terms should happen in September this year, but I'll suffer through. Actually however, midterms is only a month away. This is a very scary thought when you figure out the next two weeks are crazy before the wedding, and then it's only another 2-3 weeks until mid-terms. SCARY THOUGHT! It's amazing me how fast this semester is going. I've only been here alittle over 4 weeks, but it feels like forever.

I start my new job on Monday! I'm kinda scared but excited as well. We had our first "King's Kids" program at my church tonight. I'm helping with the 5th and 6th grade girls who have major attitudes, which makes it very fun and interesting. :-) <--See, big smile. I also gave blood today, which adds to my tired feeling. I've given 4 pints in my life so far. Which means 4 more and I get a gallon pin! Which is kinda gross when you think about it. I mean, who wants a gallon of blood to be proud of? Plus, we only have what 8 or 9 pints of blood in our bodies? Which means when I've given a gallon (8 pints) that I'll have given all my blood at some point. Kinda weird. But it's a great cause and they love my blood 'cause I'm *AB Positive* which is the second rarest form of blood. It also means if I ever need blood, I'm kinda hard to give to. So give blood! Especially if you're AB Positive or Negative 'cause someday I might need yours, and you might need mine. So that's my life today. Kinda boring I know, but like I said, I don't have brain power for much more.

I'm having a very hard time focusing this last week and this week because of all the stuff that's going on personally. So pray for me if you will! I need an extra measure of grace and strength right now. And send stuff to make me smile please! Also, if you read this, yes I'm saying it again, COMMENT!! I'll do my best to respond nicely to any free stuff in the mail. I love fun socks! I'll do my best not to make myself a hermit. Well that's it for me except to say that I hope to make up all these boring just like stuff posts with better, deeper, more theological posts later on. But for now, my frog is squished. My brain is numb and I don't have time to spend working through deep thoughts. I have to many to figure out for classes, especially Logic class. I'm still nurturing my thoughts on hope and heaven, but they're still waiting for a better time.

Thank you for all your prayers, and if you want to be wonderful and mail me fun stuff, just email me for my mailing address. I think I sound like I'm begging, but yeah, pretty much I am. Seriously, sometimes I think I've been forgotten by people I once knew. Then I stop being so selfish and realize that there are so many people who tell me that they are praying for me. I guess sometimes I just need to be reassured of that. Which is where God comes in. He is the only way I'm able to cope with everything. I'm so thankful for His Grace. We were talking about grace in Intro to Counseling today, and I just about started to cry. Like cry really hard. I was thinking of my brother and all the things that are causing stress there, as well as all the school work, starting a new job, and I'm just really missing everyone a lot right now. When you add God's grace into it, it's the making for tears. Considering I was in the middle of class it wouldn't have been very appropriate, but God is ever reminding me that He gives more grace.

Gianni is playing a beautiful piece of music on the new piano here in the lounge right now. It amazes me how well she plays. She never acts like she can play or sing very well, but she can! It blesses my heart so much. So my dear sisters and brothers in Christ, go listen to some praise music. Stop and focus on God for 2 seconds at least. Forget about yourself, quit being so selfish, and remember God's grace. Take a second to "Be still and know". Love the one who made you.
I was just reminded about how blessed I am. Charity just came up and put her hands over my eyes. I was trying to guess who it was but of course she couldn't hear me. I finally turned around and realized who it was. We had a good conversation about how church was tonight. I wanted to cry again however, because I realized she can't hear the beautiful music being played right now. We take so many things for granted! Even though I can't sing at all, I love music sooooo much. It touches me and moves me in so many ways. So tonight I take time to appreciate the beauty of what I'm hearing. It might make me cry, but that's ok, I think I need to cry. Take care dear friends. I miss you and am so thankful for you.

Tuesday, September 21, 2004


I would just like to say that I am now in favor of the demerit system over the giving of monetary fines. Yes, I have received my first fine, and no I will not tell you what for. But grrrr!!
This day is totally appropriate of this song which you can link to here. Which as I did a Google search for I found a different but very funny version of it. You can link to that one here. Make sure you read it all the way to the end for the best part.
I'm definitely having a "Frog kind of day". Which I just invented but I think it's a great catch phrase.

Monday, September 20, 2004

Rings And Things

It would seem prudent to take advantage of having your attention on my last post and continue posting on hope, life, death, etc.. but I'm not going to. Ha! Gotchya! Mwahahaha...*evil laugh*
But in all seriousness, I'm going to be somewhat sentimental and silly.

I have decided that as much as I don't like being one of only 20-30 people (or at least it feels like this few) on campus who don't go home for the weekend, I do like weekends here. As I've already said, I love Saturday morning breakfasts but better than that I love Sunday nights. About the time we get home from church, roughly 7:30-8pm or so, people start coming back from their homes. It's like a huge party as all your floormates converge at once. It's always very loud and just lots of energy. Now it would makes sense that everyone would be somewhat sad and depressed to be starting another long week of classes, but in reality that's not the predominant emotion. People are talking about their weekends and just generally enjoying having 50 people to talk to.

Last night was no exception. I was already somewhat wound up and restless because after church Jake and Chadd decided they needed to drive my car so we cruised around for awhile. They also taught me to do perfect RPM shifting. Not something I'm going to try very often mind you because I value my transmission, but definitely useful knowledge to have. Anyway, we had tons of fun and so I was fairly wound up. Katie and I were walking down the hall to head to the D.P. (Dating Parlor, yes I know, it's really funny) when my floor leader Bekah gets back from her day spent with her family and her boyfriend. She and her boyfriend (Dustin) were going on a date that afternoon to this special park. So Bekah automatically hugs me and I asked how her date was. As she's hugging me she says "it was great!". Being the intuitive girl that I am I automatically realize that this was a little more than just a normal "great date". As I pull her arms from around me to grab her LEFT hand I realize that the gorgeous ring now gracing it means Dustin finally popped the question. YAY! Also being a normal girl I start shrieking and hugging her which draws just the crowd Bekah needs to get the full recognition that she needs right then. Which is somewhat ironic considering last Sunday night we played a giant prank on the whole floor by finding Bekah a fake ring to wear. Ahhh the irony. Anyway, the next hour consists of hearing the entire story and her dragging me around as she tells everyone. When dorm-lock finally arrives and we can't go anywhere it continues to be a crazy evening. I'll leave it to simply saying that any guys out there have no idea what goes on in girls dorms, and trust me, you don't wanna know. If you think you guys get wild and crazy, well so do we, and we have higher pitched voices. To add to the cacophony, we have around 20 or 30 people visiting the college from PA last night, today, and tomorrow. All high-school juniors and seniors with their chaperones. Needless to say, it was the craziest night in the girls dorm yet by far, and these poor high-school students are wondering "where in the world are these 'good Christian girls' from?". It was great fun however.

All of that to say this, one of my closest friends here at school is now engaged. Yes, I notice a pattern here. Minus a few very wonderful exceptions, a great bulk of my close friends are either engaged, married, having kids, or very close to one these. It does make me stop and wonder sometimes, but for now I simply thank God that I have the opportunity to observe and learn from their experiences. The analyzing stops there though. Yes, it does.

I would also like to say that it's been a very, very, very long time since I had such a crazy fun time. And you know what? It felt good. To simply let the cares of this world, the issues with people, the hurts, the pains, even the good things just disappear and have fun? It was great! And all without alcohol I would just like to say. It should prove to anyone who doesn't believe you can have crazy fun without being intoxicated that you can. I'm not sure where that came from, but take it as a bonus side-note. A free-be from the mind of Beth.

And so that's it. I have a post in my head to follow up on what I said about Hope on Saturday, but for now it's going to stay in my head. I have a paper to write for tomorrow and one for Thursday as well. I have plenty of reading to do along with those papers. As much as I like to read part of me can't wait to be done with the freshman and sophmore classes that require so much reading. But then I realize how much I learn by reading and feel guilty for not always enjoying it. One great thought is that technically next semester I'll be a junior. I'm still going to be in school for another 3 years, but at least I'll get to spend 2 of those as a senior. Which basically means I'll get to stay up until 1pm as much as I want, as well as park in the front lot. Not a whole lot of perks, but who am I to complain?

Alright, enough procrastinating, I'm going to go check my mail then do my homework. Wait, that is procrastinating. :-)

Saturday, September 18, 2004

Real Hope

It has been brought to my attention that I marked my 50th post with words such as Abugaboo. What can I say except how appropriate. No, I'm not going to explain why those words or sounds rather fit the day yesterday. Just know that I'm glad God's mercies are new every morning. And now, what to say about today. Hmmm...words honestly somewhat fail me. Nahhh....

I love Saturday mornings. Here at Pillsbury if you manage to stumble out of bed and into the dining hall by 11:00am you can have omelettes and pancakes made to order. That may sound rather simple and boring, but anybody who makes it through a week straight of cafeteria food, well omelettes made to order are like manna from heaven. Mmmmm...
I spent the afternoon buried in my logic book. 50 pages later, I don't feel any more logical. After dinner which was on the scale of making breakfast obsolete with it's unsavory flavor, Lynette, Gianni, and I went to Medford to find me shoes. I managed to find some dress shoes for school, but failed to find shoes for my bro's wedding. I find a pair I really like but not in my size. Grrr...

This evening I buried myself in my Intro to Counseling book. It's really interesting and I'm learning a lot from it, but tonight it was a hard read. I did spend some time talking with Bekka about Missions, which was very challenging. I still have a pile of homework to wade through tomorrow afternoon, and I'm sure that I won't get near the amount done that I want. I want to be ahead for the whole week but it's looking like only Monday or Tuesday. At least I don't start work until next week. It will help to get stuff done this week, but when I look at how to balance things after I start working, it can be overwhelming. I'm only going to be working 16 hours a week by my own choice, but it's still going to take some adjustment. I was sitting figuring out today how many more hours a week I would have to work to help a dream of going next summer come true. Yeah, it's not worth the insanity of working 25 hours a week. I've done it before, while taking a full class load, but I didn't learn anywhere near the amount I should have. I'm not going to spoil these wonderful classes by slacking off on my homework because of work. So, I'll simply put my desire to go on the top shelf, and simply pray about it. God can provide, but I know He doesn't always. That's kind of vague, but I don't have the desire to talk about it more.

I just decided that this post is very boring and uninteresting. I really didn't necessarily feel like posting tonight, so I'm not going to bore you anymore. I love writing and for now at least, on this blog it shouldn't be a chore. It should come out of my love to do it and the gift of having something worthwhile to say. So I'll be a good steward of the gift God has given me and stop using it until I'm much more awake. Yep, I'm definitely off to bed. But first this reminder:
There is always hope. God has not given us more than we can handle, and He will not test or try us beyond what we can bare. We have hope in the Lord. Hope for new mercies every morning, for forgiveness, for love, for the end of the trial, for the battle, for the joy, and the strength for all of these. If we our truely believers in Christ, and the children of God, we have something the world at large doesn't have. We have hope! If I never get to hold baby Emma, if I never make it to my brother's wedding, if I never get to hug a close friend again, if I never get to GO, I have hope and faith that there is something far better. If I die tonight or tomorrow, that's ok. I trust God to take care of me in life, and in death. I truely believe what Paul said "To live is Christ, and to die is gain". Not to say I plan on dieing anytime soon, but that's the hope I have. A hope of an eternal perspective always. The hope of glorifying God in this life, and of an eternity with Him in the next.
How could I ask for more?

Friday, September 17, 2004


I'm not going to explain this, I'm just going to say it.
Eeeeeiiiiiiii! Abugaboo...and bbblllllllllbbb...
There, those are my sounds for the completion of this day.
Don't worry, it's not supposed to make sense.

Thursday, September 16, 2004

From A Simple Sign, Comes Deep Truth

I've mentioned once or twice that I'm attempting to learn ASL (American Sign Language). Charity is having great patience with my lack of understanding and is still teaching me. Today I learned what might be one of the most important signs in my opinion. It's the sign for "Friend". To do this sign, you take your index finger from both hands and interlock them together. So one fist is facing you and the other one is down. I might be reading into this to much, but I find great truths in this relatively simple sign.

Friendship like the sign is meant to be easy. Yes, there are hard times, times of frustration, times of hurt, and stretching times. Being a friend won't always be easy, but the general concept is easy. You smile, say hi, and go from there. Yes, it takes time, effort, and trust, but that's what it's all about. Friendship is beautifully symbolized in the sign. It takes two to make it work. One finger doesn't work for the sign, just like one person trying to keep a friendship alive doesn't work. It takes two people to have a friendship. Funny though, it only takes one to make it stop. Friendship is also about giving of yourself, and interlocking with the other person. I said once, a long time ago that whether it's a friendship or relationship, you always give part of yourself away to the other person. One of my friends disagreed with me and said this instead: "You do not merely give part of yourself (heart) away in friendships/relationships, but rather an exchange takes place. Two people exchange pieces of their thoughts, intellect, hearts, etc..."

I disagreed with this statement at first, but now, as more than a year has passed since I was told that, I am tending to agree with it more. I still don't totally agree, and this is why. I believe that you do exchange part of yourself for the other person, but I also believe that it is possible for one person to give or accept more than the other. So yes, an even exchange would be best, but that's not the way it always works. I'm not saying for better or for worse, but it's a thought to ponder.

So as I try my hardest to learn as many signs as fast as possible, I'll also stop to tell Charity she's my friend even though we can't understand each other all the time. I'll also sign "Friend", and remember to be open enough to be the friend she deserves. I'll also go up to fourth floor to see her, and to stir up some trouble and laughter. Two of the things I do best after all.

Closets In Abundance

Today brought several extra-special things of which to be thankful for. A man about my mom's age who is attending Pillsbury this sememster took a look at my car today. Before he came back to school he was a mechanic for 30 years. Nice...So he was willing to at least take a look at my car. I didn't want to add to the onslaught of moochers, but he was willing to look and then tell me what to go have done. He told me a bunch of stuff I didn't understand, but I did get this much, that my brakes are fine, and that I have a little "blow-by" where my engine oil is concerned. Nothing to worry about at this point, and that it's just fine to drive. YAY! No worries about the smoke and smell, that's just from the oil, and it doesn't need attention right now. Good stuff. Thanks to Mr. Johnson for being willing to be a substitute dad, and to God for providing someone to take care of my baby (car that is).

Katie took me to the clinic to take my drug test today. She drove since I didn't know where it was. That place was like a maze! They sent me from one desk to another to another and then back to the second one again. Grrrr...all that just to take 5 minutes to pee in a cup. No worries, it didn't take that long to pee, but to fill out the paperwork. I have every reason to believe I'll pass. It was a pretty funny experience, and Katie only made it better. The nurse/lab tech/helpful lady who was handing me forms to fill out and explaining everything to me was super nice. She assumed I was from Pillsbury because of my address, and proceeded to tell me that her husband and son had both gone to Pillsbury. Her husband was probably here when my mom was. Small world huh? Nahhhh, just a big God. Anyway, she was really encouraging and blessed me in my studies. It was just a neat reminder that God's got His children all over the place.

And so, the week is almost over. I'm very grateful for this. Academically it's just been a very long week. I still feel like I'm playing catch up. I plan on pouring into my book this weekend. Getting ahead so that the weekend of the wedding I can leave free and clear. Two weeks! Two weeks and my brother will be a married man. It's rather scary when I say it like that. I just continue to pray over their marriage, and be very grateful Marit's loaning me a dress for the wedding. I just need to buy a decent pair of shoes to wear with it, and I think I'll need to get a different top as well. It's a very simple black sleeveless dress, and she's got a sweater to go with it, but the sweater isn't really dressy enough. And I need a top 'cause it's a fall wedding, and I hate sleeveless stuff. I look yucky in it. But I don't have to go buy an expensive dress which is awesome. That's one of the major perks about dorm life, it's like having over 50 sisters of which to borrow stuff from. I figure that by averaging it all out, there has to be a fair percentage of girls that are semi-close to my size, so lots of closets to pillfer. MWAHAHAHA...*evil laugh*. And that's the saga of the dress. I'm sure by this point I've lost most of the guys out there, so please forgive me, thanks for sticking around, and read on for less girly stuff.

I need to go read some logic before dinner. Ahh logic, that great required class that I'm so glad I waited to take until I got to a Bible College. I'm actually enjoying it tons. The teacher is fast becoming one of my favorites. Here's a cheer for the promise of Friday, and the promise of a fresh start on Sunday to another week.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Carpal Tunnel In The Making

To add another brighter note to the day, because my last post was in fact supposed to be happy, anyway, I got a job! YAY! I will be working 5 days a week for 16 hours total at Josten's. They make class rings, yearbooks, and the like. I will be an order processor. In other words, I get to type orders into a computer. It pays VERY well though, it's good hours, and I don't have to work on the weekends! YAY! It took some patience, and I still have to pass the drug test, not that I'm worried about that, but I finally got the job. I don't start for another 12 days, but that's ok.

God takes such good care of me, and I'm so glad I can trust Him even when I don't see Him taking care of me. I just wanted to share that piece of good news with you. Now just pray that I don't get Carpal Tunnel. Oh and Mom, thanks for making me learn to type.

What's In Your Melody?

I'm sure we're all familiar with the popular ad slogan "What's in your wallet?". Instead I ask what's in your melody? I've had this hymn running through my head all day, and it has caused me to ask what the melody and song of my life is made up of.

Does the mention of my name bring thoughts of joy and laughter right away? Or of pain and heartache? Of friendship, caring, or consideration? Or of selfishness and immaturity? Does my life glorify God? Do others see Christ in me? Is the melody of my life made up of selfishness, or of Jesus Christ?

Those are some thoughts I've been pondering as I've been humming this song all day. I was pretty miserable yesterday, but the nap definitely helped. I'm taking a guess that I had the beginnings of a migraine or something to that effect. It rained all day yesterday and all last night, but we saw some sunshine this morning. It's looking like more storms this evening, and the wind would blow little people away. But in the wind I feel the promise of cool weather, of good times with good friends. The smell of fall is in the air, and I feel the promise of the colors of fall, the reds and greens and golds, of snowball fights, sliding on the ice and snow, twinkle snow, the clean fresh feeling of cold air as you step outside, Christmas carols new and old, twinkle lights, Christmas candles, and sugar cookies. In case you don't know, I love this time of year, and I love Christmas. I've always loved giving gifts, and the emotions behind them. I love showing people I care about just how much I care. College students tend to be short on money though, so creativity is coming to the forfront where gifts are concerned.

All of this comes back to the melody that is in my heart. As the winter and Christmas season is promising to quickly be knocking at our doorsteps, and at the door of our hearts, what is our focus with that? Are we consumed with ourselves, or is the melody of our hearts one of a servant? What makes up my life?

That is the primary thought that is challenging me right now.
What makes up my life?
Am I self-consumed, or do I give all of me to Christ, who in turn shares me with others?

"Lord, I pray that you continually become the focus of my life. That I shield my heart from the pains and cares of this world that seek to draw me away from you. I pray that the melody of my heart will be beautiful to those that hear it. I pray that your love and compassion are what is heard from my life. May the things that make up my life all be immersed in you and your love."