Saturday, March 19, 2011


There are sometimes, when we have to be thankful for the sovereignty of God. Which yes, I do firmly believe in thank you very much. And I do think I have some credibility since I have seen some hardship and lost a child in my life.

There are times when God does something that we don't ever get to know the reason. And there are also times when He is merciful and shows us. Or at least lets us think we know the reason.

I have to admit today is just such a day. While stalking Facebook and reading old blog posts, I was reminded why I should be so thankful for my husband. I'm not sure I've ever told you the story of how he and I came to be US, it's a good one. But I shall save it. Today I would simply like to say one summer what seems like long ago, held a lot of heartbreak for young, stupid me. I was poorer too because of it. (It also led to the naming of this blog) And given my way the heartbreak would never have happened and I would have simply had what (or who) I wanted. And been paid back some of my money. But God is sovereign and that heartbreak left me open for Andrew's friendship, which he (God and Andrew) used to pursue my heart. And so Andrew won. But really, we all know, God blessed me the most.

I literally become nauseous when I think of what could have been. For God spared me, and I see that. It would never have worked, for nothing if but that our belief and view of God are ever so different. And I'm so thankful. I now have this amazing man to love me forever and a family to show for it. And he is amazing, for he knows God and what agape means.

Monday, March 14, 2011


I wanted to title this post Honesty, but I think I may have used that in the past. Probably used Discretion before too. I like one-word, deep-thinking titles. Anyway...

I've been thinking a lot lately. About a lot of stuff. But the big thing God has been impressing on my heart is the need in our relationships for total honesty. Especially with my husband, but more than that in my friendships. How often do I not be transparent because of my insecurities? How often do I not give details with a prayer request (my own) because I don't want to be misunderstood?

Here's the thing, I'm a daughter of the King. I have a royal priesthood in Christ. So really, who cares what people think if I'm truly trying to honor God? And here's the other thing, Satan is the father of lies, the master deceiver. So often I buy into the lie and am deceived that no one really cares. And it is a LIE. From you-know-where.

And so I've been opening up. And here's the best thing. It has lead to incredible blessing. Yes, there will be hurt, there will be mistrust and I'll probably get used at some point.
But that's okay. No, I shouldn't be stupid and poor my heart out to every unsuspecting person. But to trust your friends and fellow brothers and sisters in Christ? Do It!! I have experienced some of the sweetest times of fellowship and growth and learning in the past few months when I've opened up. And Satan has again and again tried to tell me that I'll just be hurt. It's been hard, but it's worth it.

One last thing. I've been thinking then that I should be more open on this blog. After all, I somewhat use it as a journal. After some good thought, probably not so much. I'm already pretty open and that's enough. I love you all, but if you want to know more details, you can get ahold of me. There have to be some boundaries in my life. And the world wide web needs to be corraled. :)

I've also been discouraged that perhaps this blog isn't very intersting. I don't use pictures a lot, and when I do it's not one cute little one with a funny blip. I probably don't leave you wanting more, because I talk a lot. This isn't one of those blogs you probably come to when you want to laugh or see a quick cute post.

But that's okay. Because this is me. I can be funny, but I tend to be a story teller. No matter what I say about holding back I really do share my heart here. And if I'm going to be open and honest then I can't second guess me. Because me is okay. God has made me with words. I'm not incredibly artistic or creative, but I am wordy. I like words. I like using them. That's why music to me must have good words. Because it's the soul of music.

So, this has been a lot of words, some pretty poor grammar (and another thing...), and it's been real.

To keep us more real, some cuteness for you to enjoy.

Levi, one year ago. Crazy the difference a year makes.

Friday, March 11, 2011


We spent the evening in the ER again last night. It's been a while, over a year actually. And the last time Levi was soooo sick. Oxygen, x-rays, ambulance rides, 5 days in St. Cloud hospital, etc... Not exactly something I wanted to repeat. I had taken Levi to the Dr. Wednesday evening because he was tugging at his ears and had good cold symptoms. His chest was clear, his strep test negative, but really nice red ears. So a antibiotic and we were on our way. Levi didn't sleep really well that night, he just wanted to be held. We spent yesterday in our pjs mostly because Levi didn't want me out of his sight. He seemed to be coughing more, but okay mostly. After dinner though, his fever was pretty high and he started just shaking and wheezing. I think he was cold and had a hard time breathing from shaking so hard? Not sure.

So we took him to the ER. Not my favorite way to spend money but we don't take chances with his breathing. Thankfully, Andrew was with so when it came time for the chest x-ray, Dad was in charge, I stood outside the door trying not to cry. In case your young child has never had to have a chest x-ray, here's the scoop. They sit on what looks like a bicycle seat with no shirt, their arms up in the air and plastic holds pushed up against their bodies. Not comfortable, scary, and generally just makes them scream. It's hard to explain to them that it's for their own good but yet all they know is that you're hurting them.

The Good News? No pneumonia, but definitely some wheezing in his lungs. So a nebulizer treatment and some steriods were given and it helped alot. The Dr. said it could have become bronchitis or pneumonia but we caught the inflammation in time. So the steriods should help and we'll do more neb treatments at home.

The point? After so many crazy hospital visits in the last 16 months, I'm learning something. My son carries my heart in his body. Literally I guess due to DNA, but I think he would no matter his conception. When a child is yours, you are literally watching your heart walk around out there. God gives us such a love for them, probably so the sleepless nights don't make us want to give them away. :)

I saw a couple posts on Facebook last night about people's rough days. And I had to shake my head, because I complain too, a lot sometimes. But in contrast to the journey we've had with Levi, these problems seem a bit small and inconsequential. Because when it comes to your child, everything else is secondary. When you're watching your child struggle to breath, or in pain, or whatever, your heart is on the line.

The big picture? I now have the smallest, tiniest insight into God the Father. I am by no means saying I have any love in comparison to God's, but when I think about our Savior, Jesus, hanging on a cross, dieing, and the Love God the Father had for His son, it brings me to tears. Because His son was dieing, was in inexplainable pain, and what did He have to do? Turn His back on Him, because of the sin Jesus was carrying for all of us. The "worst" part? Because of God's holiness He had to turn away in anger. He had to put His anger for the sin onto His son. So He loved His son and hated to see Him suffering. But in His righteousness He burned with anger over the sin His son was carrying. So He turned His back and His son died.

What Love is This?

As a parent, you would do anything to spare your child pain, but you do what's best for them. So it is with God. And I'm so thankful.

Update on Levi: He's doing okay, currently whining for some breakfast. :)

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

Home and Prayer

I'm home! Didn't even know I was gone did you? :) Levi and I made a pretty spur of the moment trip up to my parents' house. My friend Christi was behind the plan, and it worked pretty well, thanks to My Momma who came and got us and my husband who was willing to make basically a 30 hour quick trip to retrieve us.

We spent a few days with my parents and then on Friday we packed our bags and headed to the ski hill. Now, for those of you who ski where you can see the top of the hill from the bottom of the chair lift, this is much better. A 5 minute ride to the top at least. Feels like an hour when you have a 5-year-old next to you. Mostly because I thought my heart was going to explode from fear. We had a wonderful time, really, no matter what your skill there's nothing like skiing with kids. Because the wonderment of their accomplishments and sheer joy will make you smile. I could have skiied by myself, or with other people, and gone faster and harder, but really, the fun I had with Christi, Jenn, and their girls was way more fun.

Funny part? Quianna definitely had a lot of one liners. Including telling me when we were discussing church on Sunday "I hope you have something handsome for Levi to wear." Which I did, her Momma gave me his shirt. :) Other funny moment? Levi refused to sleep. Jenn had graciously brought a pack&play with and everyone, and I do mean everyone tried to get him to sleep. He wouldn't. So finally close to 5pm we decided to just bundle him up and take him out on the bunny hill. Which after bundling him all up I realized I didn't have my boots or coat on. By the time I did...well, here's the result...he had a hard time moving due to the bulk of the clothes so Jenn laid him on a cooler...

He finally was sitting still...the result?

Total sound sleep. Christi managed to get his layers off and lay him down and he never even opened his eyes.

When he did wake up, off we went.

It was a fun day, a fun week, but I was tired and sore and ready to be home. It was good to see Andrew and Dexter on Saturday and to head home on Sunday. Some snow delayed us so it was a long trip and a late night, but we finally made it home.

For the prayers, just this. I'm amazed at how many women really do have miscarriages. It's a painful thing to think about, but reality is if you're trying to get pregnant you will more than likely experience a miscarriage at some point. That's hard. I've learned of so many lately, and I can only pray that God uses my pain and journey to help others and glorify Himself. So if you would, pray for these Mommas and their sorrow and journey. Thank you!