Now We See Dimly

I've been thinking a lot about this blog in the past month or so. It's obviously not been full of writing this past year, and I've been wondering what to do, to remedy that, or chalk it up to "all done" as my kids would say.

But as I think back to where I was a year ago, anxiously awaiting the arrival of our precious miracle Emelia Grace, and the fact that it was practically summer already, and here this year we've been "blessed" with at least 9 inches of fresh snow in the past 24 hours, I realize it's time to write. Even if I do use run-on sentences.

Because here's the deal, I am NOT the same person I was a year ago. So much has changed, and not just with the arrival of baby #2. (I choose to call her #2, even though we have 3 in Heaven. It makes it so much easier for those who can only see the 2 that we feed and love everyday.)

Right now, I have a 3 year-old little boy watching the city department clean up all the snow outside our window on the street, and an 11 month-old big girl pushing down balls in her toy over and over again. And laughing. And my heart is full. I woke up with a discontented spirit today, a tad discouraged about a few things in my life. But as I thought about writing, I realized how many blessings I wanted to write about. And I can't help but feel oddly peaceful. So I better write fast or you know the chaos of life will snatch that away. ;) It's all going to sort of spill out versus and organized fashion, because well, it's life, and it's never neat and pretty all the time.

I wrote you about Andrew's station closing and all the chaos in our marriage and life. Well, currently he has a "new" temporary full-time job. It's just north of town about 10 miles and he loves it. I am SO proud of him for getting it, he had to work hard and make some sacrifices, but he got it, and it's such a great fit for him and our family. We're praying and we'd ask you to pray that it would become permanent.

After I wrote in December, that was really the beginning of our lives changing immensely. In January I started some new whole-food natural supplements. And boy, has my life changed. This blog isn't dedicated to selling you on them, but rather to share how they've impacted my life, and I can't share about my life without sharing about them, because I want this great life for everyone.
This was a very risky step for me, money was short, but I was desperate. I trusted my friend that shared them with me, so I went for it. A 30-day money back guarantee helped too. :)
My life is forever changed. It wasn't just that I lost weight, I did, it was that I finally found healthy nutrition in my life. Literally by the 5th day on the products I was craving vegetables and choosing to cook with them, for me, not just my husband! If you know me, you know this is huge. I won't defend myself too much and say "It was a gag reflex, I wanted to eat them!" Or "I am a people pleaser, my entire childhood is marked by feelings of rejection because I didn't eat what my extended family thought I should." Trust me, I wanted too.
The important thing is what I'm learning, so that will be part of the journey and sharing. I'm learning how nutrition is key to our health and weight. Our culture pushes exercise as the perfect solution to our obesity problem, but research shows it just isn't true. We SHOULD exercise and be active and strong, but our core needs are good nutrition. And frankly, I don't care how organic or healthy you eat, our food does NOT have the nutrition it needs to give us what we need. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, needs supplements. "But I grow and raise all my own food!" you say. Great! Good for you! And I mean that, but ever consider how depleted our soil is? I have a friend who's husband's company is working on helping farmers replenish their soils, but oh it's a long process in our world.
So to get personal, what changes have I seen in my family? I have a baby girl who's diaper rash is no more after we tried EVERYTHING to help her. These whole food/vitamins/minerals/probiotics have helped her so much. I have a son who's digestive system is SO much more healthy than it's ever been. It's been a huge struggle eating and bathroom wise and it's finally becoming much less stressful in our lives. I have a husband who's putting on a few pounds. Which is really good news after his battles and weight loss with the stomach flu this winter.
And me? HUGE life-changing differences. Not only have I lost weight, had huge balance in my emotions/moods/seratonin levels, gained muscle, and gained tons of more energy, but my life is finally healthy. I am choosing to make MUCH better food and meal choices for my family. Sugary snacks aren't our go to. Chips are healthier options and less often. Do we still eat pizza and other less-healthy options? Of course! We live in our world after all. But that's the awesomeness. These supplements allow me to live a real life, but by being healthy in it. I could go on and on, but I'll just say my life has been changed, our health is better, and I am so thankful. If you want more info, just contact me, and I'll be sharing more in the future. I'd love to help you make life-changes that really are for life, not a week or month.

These products have also given me the chance to have my own business. Without all the hoops and pressures of other direct-sales companies. I just returned from Orlando from an amazing conference, and what I was thinking about the whole time I was there was about my family and about sharing with you. Because I was overwhelmed by the power of balance, and of goals and dreams. It overwhelms me at times, this desire to help my family. Because that's why I'm doing it. For my family. I honestly struggled last month with knowing how to balance business and family. Because I didn't want to take away from my family, with the pretense of helping my family. And I was honestly so torn about how and what to do. But this one quote keeps reliving in my brain.

"Don't give up what you most want in life for something you think you want now." Richard G. Scott

When I made it home Sunday night Andrew and I had a big conversation. About life, our marriage, our family, and our goals. And we both agreed, we have some goals to achieve. And here's the thing, we believe. We believe that sometimes life has to be out of balance before it can be balanced. That there will be sacrifices. There will be days when our kids come before our marriage, when our marriage comes before our kids, when business/work comes first, when simply putting dinner on the table will be the goal. But the goal overall is balance, and raising our family to know Christ, and to help others a long the way. As you can see, the goals are relative and ever-changing too. :)

The opposite of Faith is Fear. So which side of the fence will I live on? With fear? Or with Faith?

Because I am a Christian, a disciple of Christ, my life needs to always come back to the spiritual. So how does this all connect? How does my daily struggle to build a business, be a great wife, continually be growing our marriage, be a good mom who points her children to Christ, who builds children who know it's all about God's glory, to be a great friend, to run a balanced and healthy home, to be, well everything, how does this all come down spiritually?

I'm doing a study once a week on the basics of the Gospel. And it's not boring, it's not old, it's not the same old same old. Because the Gospel is never-ending. My biggest challenge so far from the study? Redemption. What areas of my life have I not yet let be redeemed? Where am I not letting the Gospel be applied?

My challenge? This quote:

"God isn't interested in making us 'spiritual' if by spiritual we mean detached: Jesus was God stuck in. God isn't interested in making us self-absorbed. Jesus was self-giving personified. God isn't interesed in serenity: Jesus was passionate for God, angry at sin, wept for the city. The word 'holy' means set apart from or different from, our sinful ways. It doesn't mean being set-apart from the world, but being consecrated to God in the world. He was God's glory IN and FOR the world."

We are to reflect God's image to the world, and with sin that mirror image is broken. But now it's as if that mirror is being healed and is slowly reflecting an accurage image again.

So here it is:

"This process - us becoming more like Jesus so we reflect more accurately what God is like - is the number one thing God is ALWAYS up to in our lives."

"A disciple is someone who is learnign to apply the gospel to absolutely every part of life. Discipleship is all about letting God bring about change in our lives from the inside out so we look more like Jesus."

There you have it. That's who I am. A broken mirror that wants to be healed and accurately reflect Christ. A Disciple that is letting God bring about change from the inside out.

And guess what? That isn't just about my soul. Our bodies are truely body, soul/spirit, and mind.
My soul has been redeemed, but our world is cursed, death abounds. God wants to redeem my mind and body too.

So when I lose weight and heal my physical body from the inside and get healthier? God is being glorified.

When I work daily and being a better wife and mother and loving others? God is being glorified.

When I spend time in Scripture everyday studying and soaking up God's promises and being convicted of sin? God is being glorified.

The mirror is being healed. Won't you join me on the journey?
Oh there will be days of failure, days that the image is distorted. I am a sinful creature. But my goal, is to be redeemed in ALL areas of my life.

There's a lot of change to happen, but for the first time of my life, it doesn't overwhelm me. I am learning to set goals, big and small. To do today what will help me get attain my goals tomorrow. To do today what will make me like Christ. And to never again seperate my life. Because it's all interwoven. God's plan for our lives body, soul, and mind is so amazing. He wants to REDEEM all of our life.

Join me as I strive to let him. And as I share about the struggles of doing it. The days when the 3-year-old is driving me nuts and we have boxed mac & cheese for supper. And the days when it's calm and productive and everything is from scratch. Because both days are life. And God's redemption should be reflected in both of them.

Keeping it REAL.

And real was the panic when I thought I lost this entire post and about slammed my computer shut in tears. Praise God He redeemed this post! :)

Return

I haven't posted in months. I know. Because it wasn't important anymore. Since Emelia joined our lives, well, they have changed drastically. Not because of her, but in spite of her really. I don't have the energy for a long, long post tonight, but finally, I must write, no matter how long it takes.

This has been the hardest 6 months of my life. Adjusting to Emelia was fine, good, great even. She was a dream baby. Full-term, slept through the night by 6 weeks, smiling, very content, so happy. She was just wonderful. (Still is actually.) But about the time she was 6 weeks old, our lives were flipped upside down, and they just kept flipping. Andrew learned on June 26th that the station he worked for was closing. Like that day. Talk about no warning. He was offered 2 more months of work (with a bonus as incentive to stay those 2 months) as well as severance, insurance, and more for quite a while. And while we were thankful he had those two months when others only had the 1 day, we suddenly knew life WAS going to change. We had no choice in the matter.

Then, the end of July, just after my birthday, we were going camping for the weekend with Andrew's sister and her husband, and we were running late, as usual when we're going someplace for a few days, and I had to run to the grocery store for syrup because I had spaced that out before. I pulled onto the street, 4 lanes, 5 really, 2 going both ways with a turn lane in between. I moved into the middle lane and realized the car in the other lane had stopped for someone in the crosswalk, so I stopped too. And looked in my rearview mirror, just in time to see a car switch lanes and be behind me, and they weren't stopping. I was rear-ended. The jolt of the impact sent me forward way past the intersection. Thankfully the pedestrians were not in front of my car. Praise God. But I freaked. I pulled into a parking lot and desperately tried to find my phone as I got out of the car crying. Because Emelia was in the back seat. I was so scared. She was crying, because she was scared I assume, but she was fine. I was fine. There was a cop driving by that the other driver (a very elderly WWII vet) flagged down. I got ahold of Andrew and he came with Levi. Praise God Levi wasn't with me. He would have freaked too I'm sure.
Long story short? Our car was totaled, we spent several weeks with a tiny rental, trying desperately to find a new vehicle we could afford while dealing with the insurance and estimates and checks and new carseats and ugh. It was a nightmare to me. It could have been HUGELY worse. The other party's insurance covered everything, including x-rays and carseat and a new/used van, even giving us more than we had originally paid for our car. But it was stressful, and physically painful. And in the process our house was being reroofed by volunteers from the church. Off and on for weeks, almost months. My kids were being woken from naps by pounding and shaking. Men were outside my windows every day.
Oh, and Emelia started teething at 3 months old. By her 3month birthday she had 2 bottom teeth. CRAZY. She was so good, but fairly fussy and we didn't know why.
And then, Levi got sick. I mean like puking sick. Off and on so randomly. Then he was better. But it was by then the end of August and Andrew was done working. And he didn't have a new job. Now, he was getting severance, but we were both stressed. So we decided to go camping. Family time you know? Except Levi kept puking, and pooping, and feeling generally horrible. The day at the campsite was NOT fun. We finally packed up after one day and night and drove home at 10pm. Not good. Dr.'s visits and ER visits and he'd be fine for a week and then randomly puke again. It was awful. No answers other than a bad bug that just wasn't working it's way out fast enough. No tests showed anything wrong.
By this time it's September, and I was losing it. I mean really losing it. Like can hardly make dinner and get my children alive through the day. It was awful. I didn't recognize the depression at the time. Looking back it just seems like "huh, that wasn't fun" but at the time, it felt like our entire world was falling apart. And our marriage? Oh man, not good. This is where you don't get details, except to say it wasn't good.
So not good that I was at my wit's end. I didn't know what else to do, other than leave, but I knew that wasn't the answer. But it hurt so much to keep living my daily reality. I honestly was just tossing up which would hurt worse.
We had our home group from church one Thursday night, and some things happened that day and that evening that made me so upset with my husband. So much so that we came home and got our kids to bed and had it out. I mean OUT. I've never seen either one of us like that. But it was needed. Sort of a "Wow we both realizes this sucks and we're hurt and we're angry so what's going to happen?". Your move Bobby. (chess reference from my youth, don't ask me why) And I was honest, with myself, with my husband. And he called our pastor, and set up an appointment for the next day. I was so angry and sad still I could barely sleep or deal the next day. But we went, and got help. And are continueing to get help. God is picking us out of the miry clay.

Oh, and ironically, Andrew's truck died this fall too. The same week we ALL got the stomach flu, BAD. So new car again. Praise God for that bonus paycheck. New/Used vehicle shopping was getting old, but once again God guided us.

A friend asked me once this fall if sometimes I just felt like screaming. And the answer was "Yes, but what good would it do?" It almost felt like God was using a huge REDO card on us. Just wiping everything clean to start over. And frankly, maybe we needed it. I did sort of wonder if our house was going to burn down at some point though.

For the first time in a long time, I have hope for the future. Yes, I talked to my pastor and then saw my Dr. about my post-partum depression. I never thought that would be me, but between being post-partum and everything falling to pieces in our lives, I needed help. And it did help. It helped me sleep, something I don't think I had done well in months, and help me be excited about the day, about life. About living it.
But above all my hope is in God. He alone can bring us forth from the darkness.

And so we're here, December 8th, almost 9th actually. And I'm crying tears of overwhelming sadness. Because it hit me today. I missed it. The date in November, when I lost my baby. And I frankly don't even remember what the actual date is without looking. In some ways, this means I've healed. That I am and have moved past it. I don't think you ever "get over" it, but you can move past it. To where sorrow doesn't consume you.

But I'm crying, because I didn't mourn on that day. I forgot. And I'm angry I forgot. I never want to forget my babies. My 3 children who are with Jesus. Where there is no pain, no sorrow, and where there is no night.

And it's December, and this time of year always makes me cry. Ever since Levi was born. I remember those days, those days of waiting for his birth, and those incredibly lonely days after his birth. Of sitting in the NICU and just not wanting it to be real. To not want to be the Momma of a preemie, but to just pretend he would go home and we'd be fine. To hope against what would be the reality of several years of carefullness because he was so fragile, his lungs just not up to par. Even now when he coughs I cringe, waiting. The lonliness of that time can overwhelm me if I let it. The pure sleep-deprived willing myself to carry on emotions that threatened to overtake me. The memory of sobbing my eyes out in my car with my Dad because I didn't have the energy to drive myself back to the hospital by myself. It all comes rushing back and blindsides me when I'm not looking.

And so I sit here tonight crying. Remembering, and mourning again. Not wallowing, but letting myself return to those moments. With my newborn tiny son in the NICU. To that Saturday night after passing my baby, making my husband be the one to...To those days around Levi's 1st Birthday, loving and celebrating him, and mourning the baby we lost. Even to that June day when we lost 2 more babies. It all aches in me. And the ache spreads to the hurts in our marriage. The repair that is still being processed. The years of hurt and sorrow, and the years ahead of sheer work.

And then there was this song, "stumbled upon" as I started to write this post.


And God overwhelmed me. In a huge way. In these past 6 months, I have felt lost. From my God and my Savior. I've never questioned His sovereignty, I've even seen His blessings in my husband's life and changes and attitude. In the amazing way my sweet baby girl is so "Easy". In a new friend, a dear kindred spirit of a best friend who I never expected, but who has walked along with me as we go through our own valleys. And carried each other along the way at times. In providing us with the resources for 2 new/used vehicles. In so many things. In our son finally going several weeks without puking. But even while acknowledging God's blessings and sovereignty, I was still going "THIS HURTS GOD!!!" Screaming it, obviously. But He's still God, patiently waiting for me to realize my finite mind will never comprehend. Because if it could, if I could plan it, His Son would never have been sent to Earth. There had to be a better way right? But "oh, the glory of it all".

So I'm humbled, and this Christmas season I'm making progress. I'm ready to celebrate more than just a 3-year old's birthday, to celebrate more than just presents and a fun time with family and friends. I'm ready to let go. To let God heal my heart. To let God handle the whole picture. Because I just don't. And I'm sure I don't really want to.

Christmas isn't just the beginning of the story. It IS the story. Because as this song says
"Oh, the glory of it all
Is He came here
For the rescue of us all
That we may live
For the glory of it all"

There's the purpose in Christmas. The Babe who was Jesus was born, For the glory of it all. It would lead to the cross, and our redemption, but it was about Christmas too. The hope of the redemption to come.

So my heart needs to heal. I need to give forgiveness, and to beg for it. I need to mourn and remember, but to be thankful. Because there are lyrics in that song that get it so right:

"All is lost
Find Him there
Find Him there
After night
Dawn is there
Dawn is there
And after all
Falls apart
He repairs
He repairs"

I've been through so much night, but He was there. It's all fallen apart, many times over, but He repairs. And I'm so glad.

"Oh, everything will change
Things will never be the same
(We will never be the same)"

We will never be the same. Praise God. For the Glory of it all.

And Baby makes 4

This is a month overdue but better late than never. :)

Emelia Grace joined our family on May 14, 2012 at 7:14pm. She weighed 8 pounds 7 ounces and was 21 1/2 inches long. (My big baby!) She had a little bit of dark hair but thank goodness for headbands for baby girls. :) No confusing her with a boy now.
Here she is just minutes old.

We were able to have a successful VBAC by the grace of God and I will definitely NEVER forget my husband's reactions as she was making her appearance. When they laid her on my chest I remember being shocked that I got to hold her. Oh that's right, when your baby isn't 6 weeks early you get to hold her right away. :) I just remember the Dr. saying "She's a big baby" and then instructing Andrew how to cut her cord (another shocker!) and then I got to have her. I held her for so long and then the nurse ASKED if she could take her and clean her up and stuff. Again, shocking.

It was not an easy birth or a total walk in the park, but we had so much to be thankful for. God led us in the decisions for her birth that we had to make and the result was a healthy thriving baby.

It was so neat to be able to have her with us whenever we wanted in the hospital. She did develop jaundice so we had to stay an extra day with her under the lights, which was hard for me. It was a little to "NICU" feeling but it was only for a day, then we got to bring her home. No carseat test, no monitor attatched to make sure she was breathing, etc...All ours.
Here she is all ready to go home with Mommy & Daddy.

It was the greatest feeling to bring home my 3 day old baby.

Levi remarkably loves her and has done SO well with her. He gave us an idea for a nickname too, "Mia". We'll see if it sticks or not. Grandma & Grandpa Otto came down and spent the days with Levi while we were in the hospital and it was such a blessing. Levi had a hard time visiting the hospital and not understanding why Mommy & Daddy didn't come home with him. But once we were home, he didn't show any agression or dislike of Emelia. There were a few days of wanting in Mommy's lap at times he couldn't be, but overall, he loves his baby sister to pieces. He says "Melia a nice baby!" That's how he says her name often "Melia" or "Mia".
I am so blessed to have 2 beautiful children on this earth to love.

My two beautiful kiddos! Levi looks so happy to be holding his sister Emelia.

The adjustment from 1 to 2 I have to say is far better than from no kiddos to 1. There were some rough nights, still are, but overall we're making it. We had lots of company from family and then Christi and her girls were here for several days and Valerie and Kiernan came as well. It was nice having distractions for Levi in the beginning. And my husband, well he is pretty wonderful and the best Daddy ever. He's been priceless these past 5 weeks.

Which is where we are, Emelia Grace is now 5 weeks old. It's amazing how much faster time goes AFTER the baby makes their arrival. We've had some puking and gas issues and she's being treated by the chiro and Dr. for those. We still flinch when she burps to see how much is going to come up, but she's gaining LOTS of weight and very healthy otherwise. So we just pray and cry and know that this too will pass. Mostly my body just needs to regulate my milk supply better and her system needs to mature. The reflux isn't fun but the medicine seems to be helping that some.

Emelia weighed 11 pounds 13 ounces and was almost 23 inches long at a weight check today at 5 weeks old. That puts her in the 95th and 98th percentile for height and weight. SO different than Levi. She's our "Chunky Monkey" as I like to call her. She's already almost ready for size 2 diapers and she's in 0-3 month clothes. It's amazing how great it is having a thriving baby who doesn't need to be coddled as much. I definitely like having a baby in the spring/summer better than the winter. So many less germs to worry about and it's just so much easier to run to the store or something. Not that shopping with 2 is a piece of cake, but at least we're not all bundled in jackets and hats and mittens. :)

This is her 1 month photo, she's growing so fast!

There are still lots of adjustments to be made, but I can't imagine life now without Emelia Grace. She's the answer to so many prayers, and we are just SO thankful for God's grace in bringing her to us. We love you Emelia Grace!



Give a Little

I found a blog several months back, and I immediately fell in love. I found it about a day before it went viral online due to an amazing post about NOT having to love every moment of motherhood every single day. I laughed and cried at her posts and thought I'd found pure gold. And then, the bombshell. She posted something that I could not in any form agree with, especially under the heading of "Christian". So I stopped plugging it to friends and stopped reading dailly. But I still catch up now and then, because one of her whole premises is that we as Mommies need to stick together, even when we disagree. No judging each other, because we're all in this together. And while I do think God calls us to be discerning and not to accept everything or every action that we come across, I think she has a good basic point.

We as Momma's have it hard enough. We struggle daily with our children and a culture and maybe a workplace and a community that doesn't always or ever support our roles as Mom's. So why do we fight each other? I may not agree with the way you "train" or don't your children to sleep, or letting them suck their thumb, or what they can or cannot eat. But guess what? They are YOUR children! Just as mine are mine.

So while I may still roll my eyes at times or cringe at some judgements some parents make, I'm trying to train my heart to be more prayerful and less judgemental of other parents efforts. We're hopefully all trying here, and I know I for one am trying to do my best to raise my son and future children the best I can.

I will be 37 weeks pregnant tomorrow. And I'm super lonely lately. ~Physically it's gotten harder to be active and about with Levi. And sleep is broken and fitfull. There's so much more I coudl say physically but whining is what gets me lonely. ~Emotionally I'm anxious (don't preach, I know the verse) about when and how this baby is coming. I'm worn out from my independant strong-willed 2 year-old who is pushing every boundary and I don't always push back like I should. ~Spiritually I'm dry and thirsty. I'm wanting to seek God but feel like I'm just struggling in the dark due to my own sin and attitudes. ~Maritally I miss focusing on my husband. This pregnancy has consumed some of me at this point and I'm not a very good friend to a man whose love language is time spent doing things he enjoys. But he's gracious, incredibly so. I don't deserve him. And I miss spending time alone with him. Baby-sitters seem to be in short supply these days. ~Mentally I'm exhausted by the concern about this baby. It is totally a miracle of God that I'm still pregnant, but even miracles make us worried. My body is not perfect, there have been issues with any pregnancy I've had, half of which have ended so far in the death of our babies. While I don't take blame that isn't there for those, there's still the concern my body could fail this baby and it all go haywire in seconds.
And it's hard to describe any of this to anyone. So I'm lonely. I keep hoping when this baby comes I'll "get back out there" and be a better friend. But then I wonder who I'm kidding. I'm not sure I've been that great of one to start with. I guess I just wish my best friend lived next door. :)

So the point being, with all the struggles we face as Mom's, let's give each other a little grace shall we? And maybe ourselves too while we're at it. And let's all strive to make this journey a little less lonely for each other.

Maternity Photo Bomb :)

It's April 4th. I'm still pregnant. If we make it to Saturday it will be 34 weeks. I've never been pregnant that long. And it's definitely looking like I will be this time. If not longer. That's just crazy. I was reading the post I wrote back on January 31st. I was 24 weeks pregnant. I was praying and hoping for at least 10 more weeks without bedrest, and here we are. And not just hanging on by our fingernails. We're cruising. Nothing has happened to make us (Me, Andrew, Our AMAZING Doctor) think that I won't go 36+ weeks. This baby is proving to be tough stuff and making all our concerns seem silly. Ha, actually it's God and His amazing power and a few people I know who are praying I get huge and uncomfortable and go really long. Yeah, I've reached the first 2 of those. :) Seriously, I could really complain if I wanted to, but I won't, because I'm trying to toughen up.

One amazing gift in this pregnancy? We were actually able to do some family/maternity/Levi's 2 year photos. I just got the CD with all of them today and I'm so thrilled and overwhelmed. (Here's the facebook link to the dear friend who did them for us, she's great!)

This actually takes a bit of courage for me to post a few of these photos. I can't say that I love my pregnant body. Because I do look at the extra inches and pounds that maybe didn't have to be there and then start to critique myself. But here's the thing, even if I never lose the weight, if I'm always a little bit "fluffier" than I want to be, it's worth it.
This baby is a prayed for miracle, and no matter what, I will be thankful. And with the struggle that eating and not eating and being full and not being hungry and starving and blood sugar has been this pregnancy, who the heck really cares?
Okay enough words, now for some good stuff, like the amazing cuteness of my son.

Random Happenings

I'm a little disgusted with myself for how little I've been posting. I've been thinking about it almost constantly for a month or so, but obviously that hasn't helped the actual doing of it.

The truth? I don't have many thoughts worth sharing. I do keep thinking of stuff to post but then when it comes down to actually doing it, I can't seem to organize my thoughts into anything I would deem interesting to read.
I've been thinking of posting about Levi, and trying to keep tabs on this age. He seems to mature and grow everyday almost. In scary fast ways.
I've been thinking of posting about baby, but there's not too much new to say. Other than we're hanging in there. :)
I've been thinking of posting about my husband, and the interesting battle that is trying to keep our friendship and relationship front and center amidst all this. But that's a lot of thinking.
I've been thinking of posting, well anything, but I'm soooo tired.

So rather than a ton of words that may lead nowhere, here's some pictures to fill in some gaps:
These 3 photos are my boy at a local semi-pro hockey game with his Daddy a few weeks ago. I was SO bummed to have a cold and just be way too sick to get to go but they had lots of fun. Levi's been talking about hockey ever since. :) Andrew said he really enjoyed it. (Note, my responsible husband did not stay for the whole thing, he brought his son home to bed. I was very proud.)



This boy is looking more and more like his Daddy everyday. I didn't know he could get more like him. I love this adorable face.

This is Levi and I after it had snowed 12 inches in less then 18 hours last week. Levi wasn't too keen on walking in it, or Momma dumping him out of his sled when I tried to. :) It was funny though...

And a side note, last spring or the one before, I forget, I had bought some snowpants on MAJOR clearance at a Columbia outlet. But then discovered they were a tad bigger than I thought. No biggie, $10 and I'll wear them when I'm pregnant I thought. Which I did earlier this winter when it snowed. Guess what? I couldn't get them zipped this time...I still wore them, but my pregnant belly is sort of overwhelming me right now. Perhaps when I get brave I'll actually let Andrew take a picture just to amaze and stun you...


And this? This is the beginning photo of the transformation of one of "Levi's" walls into a pink one. We're starting to try to say "the kids' room" instead of "Levi's". The pink helps a little. :) And yes, I my pregnant self painted, because Andrew hates too. No worries, he helped tape and everything else, just not the actual painting. It's better that way. We're both less crabby.


I so debated about posting this pic, because I was hard pressed to find "painting pants" so these old Jammie pants do NOT do me any favors. But Andrew took the photo so I'll post it. :)

Please ignoring the round bottom to go with the round belly. Which I realize was hard to see with the oversized sweatshirt Andrew dug out for me. Trust me, it's VERY round and there. I'll prove it someday.

So yes, we're getting ready for baby. :) It was sort of fun painting and putting the crib back together into a crib. Andrew put together the actual toddler bed for Levi, and we got a used crib mattress from a friend for it. So now bed is ready for baby and Levi's moved into a "big boy" bed. Which he hated at first. Don't ask me, same thing as the crib when it was a toddler bed, minus a few extra side bars I guess. Oh well, he's used to it now. But the first night? "Me no big boy." Well he is and got over it quickly.
So we got to do this time what we didn't for Levi, paint and put the crib together. Pati is going to help me add some stencils on the wall in a few weeks. Ladybugs, butterflies, that sort of thing. :) And I've been given baby clothes and filling in the gaps from some swap & sell sites on facebook. So all the preemie and newborn clothes are washed and in the dresser. The changing pad is on top, granted with the blue cover. Not spending money for a new pink one. Sorry baby, you'll have to deal with some blue. The gal we got the crib mattress from blew me away and gave us a complete bedding set so now the bed is made with bumper and all.
Blankets are washed and waiting. Which is what I feel like. Waiting.

I still have lots I want to accomplish in the house in general before baby comes, but overall, I think that's my word. Waiting. It's sobering to think 2 weeks more of this pregnancy was when I started my hospital stint with Levi. Waiting. I'm hoping for at least 4 1/2 more weeks with this one. But either way, I still have stuff to get done. :) But yet, the biggger she gets and the more she grows, the more I can't wait to meet this little baby. I think having Levi makes it all the more real about the real person I'm carrying. And I want to know her, to know who's nose she has and who's eyes and who's hairline. :) And maybe, just maybe, she'll have brown eyes.
That's a story for another day though...

In the meantime, all your prayers for health and patience and sanity would be much appreciated. :)

7 1/2 years, 300 posts

So my track record for posting at least once a week isn't great over a 7 1/2 year period, but if you subract the 2 years of almost relative silence, then it's a little better. :) The average hits 52 posts a year then, perfect. Almost. Anyway.

This post has been staring at me for about 4 days now. 300 just seems so significant. Like I should have something monumental to say. Like this is it. Like Someday I'll look back at post 300 and wonder why I didn't use it to say something more significant. But really, it's just a number. What if I hadn't paid attention to the post #? What if I had just posted about everyday life as I usually do?

I was reading back over some posts from the years, specifically the first year I started blogging. And I was cringing, and laughing, and nodding my head. I was so young, (I know, I still am), but really, I was so young. In mind, heart, and life. But when I read those words not only do I remember some of the mistakes and heartaches my young self made, I also read the words of a girl who wanted to trust and serve God with her whole heart no matter what. I can spend time thinking about how far I had to go, or I can look back and see how far I've come. I had so much to learn, I had so much to learn about God, who He was, and especially about His grace. And that's the thing I'm so thankful for in 7 1/2 years and 300 posts, God's Grace.

And my husband. :) There's a comment back in there, about some of my college days, by this guy named Andrew, and little did I know in 2 years I'd be married to the guy. I never could have dreamed. And I'm glad I didn't know. I've made a lot of mistakes in 7 1/2 years. But marrying that Andrew was never one of them. God's grace is so evident in our relationship, and I'm so thankful for His and Andrew's grace and patience with me over the years. Not just in winning my heart, but in living life with me.

We've come a long way since this blog started. Ironically the blog address "lifeandbeth" was suggested by a guy who I was friend's with, and almost broke my heart in many ways. But even in that God used him to show me Andrew, and what I could have there someday.

I heard this song on the radio this evening, as I was preparing supper for my husband of 5 1/2 years and my 2-year old son, with my pregant belly carrying our baby girl getting messy in the process. A life that's known sorrow and grief and the loss of babies. And this song just seems to fit.



Faith isn't something you have and then watch God move. Faith is something you have and do AS God moves and breaths in your life. This isn't foolproof doctrine. It's just a realization I'm making in my journey towards understanding faith. The biggest lesson? It's a lifetime process.

So I can only hope and pray for another 300 posts to this blog. Full of evidence of God's grace in my life. And that I let Him work. That's my prayer. To look back and see a life submitted to God and following hard after Him. No matter how many posts come and go.

A life of Faith. No matter what.

Happy Birthday Levi!

Levi turned 2 on Sunday, December 18th! In the days leading up to it I couldn't help but think of the difference from a year ago, and then 2 years ago. 2 years ago was totally crazy, being in the hospital for 2 weeks simply waiting, almost bored to tears just simply waiting for baby to appear. And then the craziness of 17 days in the NICU with my tiny son. Last year, I simply was breathing and living for the sake of celebrating my son's birthday and Christmas. His birthday signified all taht we'd been through and after losing one baby, the hope that may be ahead.

This year? It was just plain fun! Levi started to figure out when we asked "how old are you?" that "2!" was the right answer. I have this "thing" about making birthday cakes. I really have decided that I as Momma need to be the one to make my kids cakes. I have several friends who are really, really talented and make yummy and beautiful cakes. Mine taste pretty good but look a little less than gorgeous. But I still think it's important that I put out the effort to make something they will enjoy. There may be years where that just isn't the case, but so far, I've made both of Levi's cakes. Last year was a from scratch chocolate sheet cake with cool (real) little bulldozers/dump truck/diggers on top. I used brown frosting for dirt and some cool chocolate rocks to make it really realistic. This year? I have a boy who loves his monkey. Literally, he has a small stuffed monkey his Grandma gave him and he loves it. So I decided a monkey cake it would be. We went to the dollar store and picked up some plates and napkins and a few decorations for the party, and Levi wanted the snowman and snowflake plates/napkins. I gave him several options and those were the ones he wanted. I should have taken the hint and just made a snowman cake. 3 circles and a hat, how simple would that be? But no, I spent most of the afternoon and late into the night Saturday creating a monkey. It was so worth it, despite a frosting mishap and more crumbs than I cared for after cutting out all the little features. It was far from perfect, but was recognizable as a monkey and pretty cute too. :)

Levi thought it was pretty tasty. :) He asked for "more!".

Then it was present time! He did pretty well opening all the presents despite all the people and just wanting to play with the ones he had already opened.


Pretty fun presents!
This one ranked up in his favorites. Grammie & Grampie Preston got Levi a "Thomas Train" yellow bulldozer train to go with his wood train set we added too. He loves diggers and Thomas Train so he was pretty much in love. He slept with it that night. Then Christi & her girls got him an orange Thomas Train and now he has one for each hand.

Due to having so many gifts to open we let him open some from us later that evening and then Will & Val & Kiernan brought Levi a gift when they came to spend the night on Monday and then he got to open his Christmas gifts from Christi's girls yesterday. Needless to say he now thinks he should get to open a present every day. It took some convincing today that he needed to leave the gifts under the tree alone until Christmas day. He really obeys well but you can tell he wants to dig in. :)

Levi, I can't believe it's been 2 years since I heard your first little tiny miraculous cries. You were so tiny, but so perfect, and you were ours. You have come so very far and grown so very much. You are the joy of our lives. We are so thankful for you and for your life. You are our big boy and my baby all at once. I love you more than you will ever know. I pray big things for you.

I pray that Jesus will call you early in life, that you will choose to follow Him with your whole heart and life. I pray that you will be a world-changer, an extraordinary young man in your generation. That you will lead your generation to know Christ in a real and tangible way. That you will stand up for the weak and opressed, be a champion for those who can't champion themselves. That your life and words will be full of grace and gentleness, but that you will always speak truth and love. I pray for a woman who you will love and who will love you in return. For you to be a strong servant-leader husband who loves with his whole heart. To lead your children to Christ in a strong way, and to always be the Daddy they need. I pray you will always enjoy coming to visit. :)

I love you Levi, you are my gift from God. I love being your Mommy and am so thankful I get to spend almost every day with you. You challenge me to be more than I thought I could, and I will never regret my time with you.

Happy Birthday Precious Boy!

In My Arms

I strongly suggest listening to this song while reading. Unless you don't want to cry...



Something I'm learning as a Momma is this: Nothing is ever predictable nor constant. What works for Levi today may not work tomorrow. What works for Levi will probably not work with your child.

There are some constants in this life, God's word for example. The principles therein will never be shaken, will never change. If I apply those to our lives, to Levi's life, we all fair much better.

But the child himself? Our relationship? It's never the same. There was a time and day when Levi relied on me for his very existence. Before he was named Levi, when he was just a 2-inch babe in my womb, I was his lifeline. Even post-birth, without my sustanence and nurturing and provision, he could not have survived. Even now, he needs me to provide the food, but he can feed himself. He can crawl into bed by himself, put himself to sleep, but he still needs Momma to find those jammies and kiss him good-night. I know there is coming a day when he neither wants nor needs my good-night kisses. When he will go to sleep long after I do. When he will be providing his own nourishment and for others in his care as well. As that day gets nearer and nearer every moment I just want to take him in my arms and say "No, NO! He's mine!" I've been a big believer in "Raising your kids to let them go." And I still am. My mom practiced it, and I know it blessed my life and hers. But now I understand, it wasn't an easy decision. One she may have cried over and hurt over. But she's done it. And where is one of my favorite places still? My mom's arms, or her listening ear. I pray if I do as she did, that my son will never truely "leave" my heart or arms. That he'll always come back to them for a quick hug.

But today? Today I still get to kiss away his hurts and comfort his tears. I get to be the one he runs to. And I'm trying to cherish it. I want to be his everything, but I know I can't be. So what to do? Pray. Pray hard. I pray for his heart and soul and life daily. I pray that he will come to know the one who can always hold him safe. When my arms don't reach, or aren't enough, I pray he'll trust his Heavenly Father who will always be there. And I'll hold him tight, while I can.

What Not to Write

So less than two months ago I resolved to blog more. And I did. And now? I've run out of words. I'm finding it hard to come up with anything interesting to say. And no, you don't want to read my uninteresting things. I promise. And the fact that almost all of the sentences in this post so far have started with And? Not good.

So I'm writing about not writing. Told you it wasn't interesting. I will say I had one deep thought today. While discussing a pending situation with a friend, I heard myself saying the following "I guess I find it hard to believe God would bestow that much goodness on us at once." And I did about choke after I said it. She totally understood my heart in the matter, but I thought it very telling of my lack of faith that I would even randomly think it. Which lead me to some joy believe it or not. Because I'm going to choose to believe that He would. Bestow that much goodness actually. I'm not going to get all gung-ho, but I'm going to pray believing amazing things may just be happening for us. That maybe, just maybe, our search for faith will be blown wide open and amazed. That doesn't even make sense grammatically, but you get it.

Also in this said conversation with friend? I learned just how much I love her all over again when she made a huge self-sacrificial offer. Wowed me. God DOES overwhelm me with goodness. It just comes in the form of other people sometimes. :)

I'll leave you with a Levi note for today. He's become obsessed, and I do mean totally, with cars and trucks and planes and trains and motorcycles and semis. Said the Canadian way...Semee. Not SemI. He sees a car out the window and you hear about it. He hears a loud motor and assumes it's a "cycle! Cycle!". See a "SEMEE!" Oh and the kid's hearing is crazy. We're inside, eating our breakfast, and he starts yelling out "plane! plane! plane!" because yes indeed, one is flying overhead somewhere and he hears it. A train whistle? Not ignored in this household. I'm kind of assuming this is a normal boy thing, but my goodness is he exact about it. I'm thinking he may have his daddy's DNA just a little and soon know every make and model of cars out there. And I guess I don't mind. He is a boy after all. :)

Days Like This

I always have to be careful when I complain about a day. Mostly because complaining is not God-honoring, and because if I say it was "the worst day" I'm forgetting February of 2010. I don't think much can top having your 9lb baby poked with an IV, put on oxygen, and ambulanced to the hospital.

All that being said, Today was not a fun day. It started last night with Levi being up most of the night with a nasty cough and congestion. We rocked, we cuddled, and we tried vainly to sleep. With way too little sleep we were up for good at 7am. I made him an appointment with the Dr. just to get checked out since we were planning on being gone for the weekend. About a half hour before that appointment I was busy in the kitchen and he was playing in his room. Bothering the dog mostly. I heard him start crying and assumed the dog had given up on him and made him mad. But he kept at it so I went to look. (warning for weak stomaches) His mouth/face/hands/bed were covered in blood. NOT GOOD. I rushed him to the bathroom and started wiping to figure out where the blood was coming from. Nothing, nothing, nothing. Ah, mouth. And then I saw his tongue. About halfway back there was a gash that literally made me gag and wonder if his tongue was still attatched. I called the Dr.'s office and they said just keep your appt and we'll check it out. Ok. It finally stopped bleeding and when we finally got to see the Dr. he said since the skin was missing and it was the mouth, no stitches. Ugh. Gross. Seriously nasty gash. I try not to look at his mouth.

By the time we got home around lunchtime (after stopping to buy stain remover) I was ready for the day to be done. I know there will always be crazy ridiculous days, but seriously? Maybe they are for my own benefit, to be reminded when we have "boring" days to appreciate them.

Oh, and the dog had nothing to do with the injury. The best guess I have is Levi was actually trying to crawl over his safety rail into his bed ('cause he's part monkey) and slipped and came down on his chin with his tongue out of his mouth. Dr. said it was definitely his teeth that inflicted the damage. So Dexter's safe to all you who wondered. :)

Hope for Today

I've been thinking about Levi's first weeks/months of life lately.
And yes, he's toeing the line a little less and behaving a little more. But we're also praying, really hard. I believe it works. I'm praying to remember I want his heart softened and not just his actions fixed. It begins in the heart.

I've been remembering how different his first few months of life were, since at 36 weeks he was getting ready to come home after 17 days in the hospital, not still growing inside. He was such a peanut. Still is for that matter. Takes after his daddy that one. It's so crazy to me to think of how little and "frail" he was at that age. My 5 pounds of love. And now? He's 23+ pounds of strong will and silliness and craziness and good snuggles and wonderful hugs. And a love for all things outdoors and puppies. If you would have asked me then, as we just prayed that he'd pass his carseat test, if I could picture these days, I would have said No. I hoped for them, but I couldn't see beyond the immediate "let's just get him home" feeling. Or the lack of sleep at night.

We only had hope. Hope that someday we'd have a feisty big boy on our hands. Hope that we'd make it through each day, each feeding. Hope that someday, someday, those days would be just a memory. I remember telling a nurse "Merry Christmas" and her having the next week off. That I wouldn't see her again until New Year's. And then she said "but maybe you won't. Maybe you'll be home" I couldn't fathom it would be possible, and it wasn't, but it was just a few days after that. I simply had hope for each day.

That's my rambling point tonight. We don't need hope for a lifetime, just hope for today and tomorrow. I have hope for Levi to someday be an amazing man of God. I pray for it. But today, today I hope he'll choose to obey and glorify God that way. Today I hope that I'll learn to have grace and train him well.

Psalm 42:11
Why are you cast down, O my soul,and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.

What are you hoping for today?

Send Him with the Carnies

It was suggested to me when I commented on not having much to blog about that I blog about guts and eyeballs. Which makes me think of either halloween or butchering animals. Both of which I have no desire to discuss.

So, instead I'll tell you that I'm at the end of my mothering rope. I'm at the end of myself. Which may be just where God wants me to be. I'm not sure. But it's not fun. We've had everything we know about parenting challenged by this boy. Which leads us to our knees, and extra kleenex on my part.
I'm reminded to not just try to control his outward actions, but to pray for a broken heart and understanding of glorifying God and pleasing Him. On both our parts.

It's been such a hard couple of weeks and days especially. I even threatened to send him with the Carnies at the county fair a few weeks back. But tonight, as I moaned and groaned to a friend, I was struck by the fact of what good was it doing? Was I changing Levi's attitude by being so defeated by it? Nope. Not so much. So, I'm going to try to buck up and remember something I said not so long ago. It's only a season. If we are effective and can use discipline effectively, the intense "will this ever get better" minute-by-minute horror I feel will eventually get at least a little better. So I need to pray, and pray hard. And be very consistent.

Also, any and all prayers would be thoroughly appreciated. And any large boxes with air holes received with your return address will be taken as a clear sign you want a little boy to visit for a while. :)

Cuteness

To lighten things a little bit around here, let me share these cute faces:

Notice the toy drape OVER his arm. Someone was ready for naptime before Mommy was apparently.

And a duck foot will take the place of Nuky I guess.

Below was an attempt at lunch. He was having none of it. But he was pretty dang cute in the process



That's all the cuteness for now, mainly because we've been having a somewhat rough week discipline wise. Some days you really feel like 2 steps forward, about 5 steps back. Diligence huh?

One disgusting moment of laughter for all of you strong stomached folks. Levi came and found me late last week and kept saying "goss, gooosss" (translation: Gross) I asked him what was "gross" and he just kept saying it. I did what any smart Mommy would do, I told him to go tell Daddy. Which he did. As I followed him into the room just as Andy swung him up onto the bed, I realized what was "gooosss". Poop, running all down his leg. Caught him just before he hit the sheets. Whew...Should learn to listen to the kid huh?

Figuring It Out

I know, I've been absent for a few days. I could lament you with tales of garage sale and trying to figure out a very used washing machine and ugh...But I won't. Instead I'll tell you that I have accomplished something I always wondered if I could. I figured out how to create and post to YouTube a song with photos and lyrics. No, none of the photos are mine, trying to keep it public friendly. It really didn't need to be done again except that I didn't like any of the current YouTube videos of this song.

Yes, you'll get to see it. No, not until tomorrow. Speaking of tomorrow, I'll have a very deep and heartfelt blog post for you. So buckle up and get ready. :) And with it I'll post the video. All this after worship with our church family. They get first dibs. :)

In other news, Levi took a nice face-plant onto the concrete last night. Got some road rash on his face and bit his lip so it's swollen rather nicely. He's also figured out that if he wakes in the night he needs to come to us, not just holler. Which was actually somewhat disconcerting at 2am when we were trying to figure out what that noise was. Turns out it was the toddler camping out on our bedroom floor. Andrew has started calling Levi our Nomadic child. Because whenever he gets out of bed he has to bring ALL his blankies and animals. Sheesh. It's a traveling zoo alright.

That's really all for now, I need to go relieve Andrew from the garage sale duty. Stay tuned tomorrow. :)

This Week

Wednesdays are interesting days. NOT. Okay really, in my current life Wednesdays are generally a bit slower and the days when I can sort of catch up on what's going on and maybe see my floors again. So I've purposed that they will be the day where I'll sort of catch you up on what's happening to us this week. If you care.

Right now the munchkin Levi is playing somewhat calmly and quietly on the floor with his magnetic trains go "choo, choo". BY HIMSELF. What do you do in situations like this? The same thing I do when he voluntarily puts food in his own mouth. DO NOT LOOK DIRECTLY AT HIM. Because then in two seconds he'll realize what he's doing and never do it again for like a week. Seriously. Meals at our home consist of either Andrew or myself sort looking out the window as we shake our heads in Levi's general direction to point out to the other person the miracle that's taking place in the booster seat. Ahem. Anyway.

Baby Shower last night. Baby Lilly was as cute as could be. Even when she lost her dinner all over my leg. Ahhh memories. Poor thing has acid reflux just like Levi. Ahhh memories. Some things you seem to forget about. Guess that's what makes you want more children, amnesia.

Made Cupcakes yesterday for the birthday boy to deliver at his work. I like to remind his co-workers he had a birthday while he was off. :) And spoil them a little too perhaps.

Update: Child has now moved the train to kitchen floor...figured out it rolls better there than on tracks I guess.

I've lost my mind and decided to do garage sale round 2 this weekend. I'm usually the snarky comment maker about "if it didn't sell the first time..." But in reality, we need the junk gone and some money to pay rent. So here's praying the new stuff we're adding will help.

One of our email inboxes in screaming at me to be cleaned out, but frankly, that's not at the top of my list. Why do you care? But honestly, my closets and the cobwebs in the corners probably need more attention. People can see those. Well, I don't often show off my closet, but you get the idea.

I think I'm still wiped from the fair this past weekend. Yes, we had lots of fun, and yes, there will be pictures. Someday.

Update: Child has found the Legos hiding under the kitchen island. Brought them to me saying "tower". Which they were. Because he had put them all together into a tower. I clapped. Because it was amazing. Ugh. Why do these moments have to be bittersweet? I'm SO proud of him for doing something we've been working so hard on, especially with no frustration involved on his part. But yet, I'm a bit sad too. Because it's just another step on becoming the independant boy he wants to be.
Anyway.

So, that's a summary. Andrew's taking a few days off after today. Not to vacation, but to, well, let's say accomplish some work. Maybe I'll be able to share later.

Frustration has set in, better go help the "independant boy". Prayers for the craziness we're calling a garage sale would be appreciated.

And oh yeah, I can barely walk. Got it in my head to go to a 6:15am fitness class yesterday. Apparently my quads haven't done squats in a while. It is funny, but it hurts to laugh.

Biting Into Some Humility

Sometimes, we all need reality checks. They may not be fun, but overall they're probably beneficial.

Like Tuesday. There was a lot of biting in my day. Levi biting random girl trying to steal his toy at the Y's child watch. Got himself kicked out for 24 hours for that one. And made Mom cry. Dexter tried to bite the vet when he tried to check his (ahem) lack of man parts. Again, more tears, this time from the child.

Ugh. I needed some humility. Thankfully the other Mom at the Y wasn't upset, no skin was broken. But I sure was taken down several pegs, if not a whole ladder.

After my tears subsided and Levi WAS punished, I assure you, I realized maybe it's God trying to remind me that even the strength to write blog posts comes from Him. I haven't got a clue about being a good Mom. Any good I do comes only from the Lord.

I guess I needed that reminder to be totally and utterly dependant on Him.

And yes, I know kids bite and it's not my fault, but it did invoke some much needed humility on my heart. It also brought me to tears and the end of myself. Which is always good. And the other much needed reminder? To pray for my son. To pour my heart and soul into praying for his heart and soul. Because really, this acting out is such a reminder of what a sinner my son is, just like all of us. He needs a Savior just as I did/do.

So, two days later we're making some parenting/schedule changes, and we're praying harder. My heart has been severly humbled, and I've remembered it's all about Grace. For me and for my son.

It's Only For A Season

Whoosh...That's the air leaving the house as everyone exits. It's been a bit of a crazy week. The in-laws were here last "weekend" into this week. We had an extra 2-year-old most of the week, which was super fun and crazy. And my parents were visiting this weekend, with another quick drop in from the in-laws today. It didn't seem so crazy when we planned it, but as I look at a week that may just be a tad more "normal" it feels like we've been just so busy.

Having an extra toddler a lot of this week has had me thinking. At times talking about twins seems overwhelming, like the 3/4/5am feedings that could happen. At other times, when they entertained themselves for 15 minutes blowing on the glass door, it makes sense.

The lesson? In every situation, hardship, life cycle, tantrum, teething, sleep-deprived moment, I need to remember this:

IT'S ONLY FOR A SEASON.

There's a cute new 3 1/2 week old bundle in this world. Her Momma is a dear friend to me. Baby weighs less than 7 pounds. Which means 2 more pounds than Levi at birth. Here's the thing. I don't remember. As I hold her little tiny frame, I can't remember exactly how it felt to hold a tiny boy smaller than that. It kind of makes me want to cry. Because all those days/weeks in the hospital, all the wires, all the tubes, the feedings, the sleepless nights, they seemed to be never-ending and all-consuming. And they were, for that season. But it's gone, and I don't know if they'll ever happen again.

I remember when I was pregnant with Levi, wondering who he was and what he'd be like. And today as his 23 pound skinny frame runs around my kitchen and then grabs my legs in a bear hug, I know my boy. It's so fun to get the hugs and kisses and hear "Daddy-a's truck" "Dex, Obie, Car, Noises, Eyes" etc...
But I do wish I could remember his teeny-tiny frame.

So, It's all for a season. When my current day is filled with tantrums and time-outs and spankings (Yes, even those) and toys everywhere and blankies and monkeys and dirt and finding rocks everywhere in my house, I need to remember, this is only a season. And all too soon, I'll miss this crazy toddler season just as I miss the baby season. And for the record, in that up all night baby season, I couldn't wait for this toddler crazy season. It's all about perspective.

So, for those of you who just wish for any child season, know that I'm praying for you. No matter what crazy season we have in Levi's life, I can't thank God enough for the miracle of Levi's life. But that doesn't make the seasons any less difficult. It just makes me thankful for the lessons in them. :)

So for those of you who are parents and will appreciate the humor in this, and for those of you who aren't but will laugh anyway, enjoy this: (But for those who want no complaining about being a parent, don't read.)

You Are Who You Are

I have a friend who I happen to think is amazing. She's been through a lot in her life and is a fabulous Mom who just seems to do it all. Because she has to. It's her life.

A lot of us can be envious of others and all their accomplishments. For me, it's hard to not look at other Momma's who just seem to have it all together and have 12 kids and raise chickens and sheer their own sheep and make their own almond milk. Ok, that's a bit much. But sometimes it feels like that's what I'm up against. And you know what? I'm getting more and more ok with it. I'm learning to do what I do because I need to do it. We've been watching a friend's 2 year-old daughter this week while her daycare provider is on vacation. It's been super fun and a little bit like having twins. Levi's enjoyed the cohort in crime. :) We made a grocery run to Wal-Mart this morning out of desperation cries from the fridge. Or rather from me who didn't have cereal thanks to the lack of milk. Pretty much everyone there I think thought I had twins, big cart with the extra seats on back, lots of food, etc...As I was unloading the groceries into the car an older lady commented, that's a handful, good for you. I said thanks, not bothering to explain only one ruffian was permanently mine, and wondered this...If I'd had only my ruffian along and he was not trying to impale another with an acquired spoon from the diaper bag, would it still be good for me? Not to take away from her point, and I appreciated her encouragment, but in my heart I had to ask why it seems more fulfilling to manage more children or issues?

Will I only think I'm "Superwoman" if I manage a household of 5 kids, run an in home day care, make my clothes from scratch, etc? Or am I amazing because I'm alive and get out of bed in the middle of the night to put 1 child back to sleep? Am I fulfilled now as a Mommy and wife? (I need to switch to Mommy, Levi never caught on to calling me Momma...sigh...)Or will I only be when we have more kids? If Levi's our only child we get to raise to adulthood, will I still be worthy of the "Mommy Badge"?

Here's the thing, I myself have a judgemental spirit, and with the world of facebook (yes I'm still on that) and blogs, it's so much easier for us to spout out random opinions without regarding who we're judging without knowing them. You may be super passionate about cloth diapering and post for the world how they should all cloth diaper. What if you buy diapers with welfare/food stamps and they won't pay for cloth diapers? What if the only way you can diaper your child is with disposable? Why should I put the "guilt" or responsibility on you for something you can't control? Why should I make you feel like less of a Mom because you don't do what I do?

And that's the rub. You are who you are. I am who I am. I don't know everything about you just as you don't know everything about me. You don't know why I choose to cloth diaper only some of the time. You don't know that high-fructose corn syrup will kill us all. I don't know that nursing a 2-year-old is a healthy thing for you. We have our opinions, but the amazing thing is, I'm only accountable for me.

I only have to be "superwoman" for my son and my husband. And they happen to both like me right now. (Don't ask Levi in 13 years I'm sure.)

I'm learning to watch my mouth, and doing a horrible job in the meantime. But know this, my heart has known deep hurts and through that I've learned we all have our inner pains and demons. So I can simply say a prayer for something I see that causes me concern and keep trying to amaze my husband. That's my job. To be the best wife to the husband God has given me, and to be the most amazing Mommy to the boy I've been given. Period.

Now, to lighten the mood, a little Levi face for you...He thought the dog at Old Navy was real...

Good Morning Tornado Sirens

Levi's cutting his 2-year-old molars. He's 19-months-old. I have problems with that, but whatever. He generally was a pretty good baby cutting teeth wise. Maybe a little fever (maybe), maybe a few nasty diapers, maybe some drooling, maybe some gumming, maybe some crying. His first molars were the worst. They seem like a walk in the park compared to these. Ugh. Fever started Saturday, 103 most of the day. Crabby/lethargic boy. By yesterday he was chewing on his fingers saying owie and being a HUGE crank. Not a good nap that day, and going to bed? BAH! I tried to put him to bed around 10:30...then a bat started flying around the house. A bit later Andrew had well, "displaced" the creature, and we tried again. Until 1am when the nonstop crying started. Around 2:30 Andrew took Levi to the living room and rocked him to sleep. By 4 he tried to put him back in bed, more crying, by 5am, Levi was in our bed thankfully resting a little bit.

7:15am. Weather Radio goes off again, it's been storming since midnight or so. This time, it's for a tornado warning. As my brain computes this the town's tornado sirens go off. Andrew grabs the dog, opens the door for the upstairs tenant to run to the basement, and I grab Levi and run downstairs. Thankfully we're fairly unharmed but south of us, well, it was really windy and lots of damage.

It continued to storm until noon or so. The dog has probably lost a few years of his life in shaking in fear. Levi thought it was fun to watch. Me? I tried to sleep some on the couch.

Levi is so far sleeping ok for his nap. I'm praying this nap goes well. As well as the one I'm about to go take. This weather and teeth are just nuts. I guess at least they came together? Not sure. Why do we need molars anyway?

I may sound testier than I am. I feel so bad for my boy and his pain. I wish I could ease it for him. We're trying, we really are little boy. I wish I could do it for you. If it's any consolation, I must have lived through it...