Thursday, September 30, 2004

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

What Is Average?

There's something in my conscience and my pride that won't let me go more than a day without posting something new. Even if I don't have anything really great to say, I must post! If for no other reason than to make sure that little label called "Average posts per week" doesn't go any lower. Yeah, I know, it's pretty pitiful.

Which in my mind where one thought quickly distracts me to another, I'm left wondering who gets to decide what average is? Obviously our mathematicians get to go with Archimedes on this one and determine the mathematical average. But what's average in the real world? And no, math is not the real world. I understand that we need math to survive but if you live in a world of only numbers, you need to go for a run or something else that will make you gasp for air.
Anyway, I digress from running.

So what's average? I would like to propose that there is a so called "average" that the world gives us. However, I think we should break that concept. Let's not simply fit in, Let's be fools for Christ. Even the church gives us what is considered "average" or "normal". I propose that we should break those concepts as well. The last thing I want in my life is to be labeled as an "average" Christian. I don't wish to do anything dishonor the name of Christ, so I'm not talking extreme Christianity that does not follow Biblical commandments. No, what I'm saying is that God calls us to an unordinary Christianity. We have become ok with the world. Paul clearly states in scripture that if we are truely following Christ as we are commanded we will be hated by the world. The world will see us as foolish. We are to be fools for Christ. Not to act foolishly, but to be fools in the world's eyes.

If I am ever seen as "normal" or "average" in Christ's eyes, I fear I will be seen as a child not seeking to live an called apart life for Him. I was so blessed by reading Tracy's post recently. She entitles it "Can't Get No Satisfaction". First of all, Trace, I love you. You have grown so much and I've gotten to see it. You bless me in so many ways. Thanks so much for your great "package"! I so needed that alligator picture and all the monkey stickers!
Back to her post though. We must find our "something real" in Christ. Only in Him is our satisfaction found, and we will only be totally and truely satisfied in heaven.

Until then however, let's not be average. Oh I don't mean that you have to dye your hair or grow 2 more inches. No, let's make Jesus Christ proud of us. May He not be ashamed to call us His children. If we are complacent today, or satisfied, may we be filled with a hunger and burn with a fire that can never be quenched. May we never be content to be labeled as "average".

Monday, September 27, 2004

It's True...

It is true, someday we really do discover that our parents were right after all. Now granted I knew this a long time ago, but I was reminded of it again today.

I started my new job at Josten's today. I discovered how repititious this job will really be. Josten's sells class rings and announcements and such. Today was spent in a 3 hour long meeting going over part of the manual for the job. Basically what I will be doing is sitting at a computer and checking over order forms for mistakes and such. But it pays well and as a college student I can't complain about that. Also the speaker in chapel today was talking about the sin of "murmering" so I really can't complain. So what does this have to do with my mother being right about all along you ask? Simply this. Mom made me learn to type fairly well. I wasn't always thrilled about this, but it certainly helped me get this job. Now hopefully it will help me keep it.

I also noticed today that the work ethic in a lot of people my age stinks. This is not a absolute statement by any means, I'm simply noticing this in general. My parents instilled a great work ethic in me since the time I was little. So again, they were right. This has definitely helped me get and keep many wonderful jobs.

So tonight as I quit procrastinating and go write my paper, I would just like to say thanks Mom and Dad. Thanks for making me work hard most of the time, and for making me learn to type. Also, thanks for making me read and giving me a love for words. I can't wait to see you both in less than 4 days! YAY! Katie says she knows I've been in college for over 2 years because I've started to thank my parents for stuff. I thought back and realize that appreciation is just another thing my parents taught me. I'm just finally getting around to voicing it more. So let's not murmer tonight but say thank you to those who need to hear it more often. I'm also going to go write this paper.

But not before I thank RLP for his kind comments. I don't feel that I did him justice so here is another plug. Check out his blog here. Also make sure you read about his new book coming out. It promises to be a great read. And now I shall go be studious.

Saturday, September 25, 2004

What Do You Say 50 Posts Later?

Technically this is officially my 51st post on "Forever Seeking Weakness". Wow. That's a lot of writing and chattering in the last 2 months. I would like to mark this occasion with this thought:
What do you say?

I had this thought and song running through my head today. So many times in our lives we don't know what to say about anything. For about the last couple weeks, but especially the last 24 hours I've had a situation on my mind. It's to personal to share, but this thought has stemmed from it. And so I'm left asking what do I say? The answer for this particular thing has come, and the answer is nothing. Sometimes it's better to say nothing at all.

This song has a beautiful melody, but unfortunatly it points to your heart as having all the answers. The answers don't come out of our hearts, they come out of God's word. The Bible talks about how our hearts are deceitful and wicked, who can know them? I praise God that He knows my heart and loves me anyway.

What do you say when a couple who only want to raise children for the Lord are given 2 handicapped kids? What do you say when a loving husband is beheaded in Iraq? What do you say when your friend won't tell you what's wrong? What do you say when you're not really happy for someone? What do you say when joy overflows your heart? What do you say when you watch 2 people you care about commit their lives to each other forever? What do you say when you see those first pictures of the baby? What do you say when you realize that God is no longer near, but that you have not drawn near to Him? What do you say when God says "Give it up, give it to me, let it go, let me have it, trust me my child, I have something far better"? What do you say when you have to say good-bye and you know it's for forever? What do you say when you can't say good-bye? What do you say when life brings pleasure and when it brings pain? What do you say when you realize once again that you're only a sinner saved by grace and that you don't deserve God's love? What do you say when you realize that God is once again showing you He's in control and that you have to trust Him? What do you say when God changes your plans because of that? What do you say when you can say nothing at all?

You pray. God is the only reason we can say anything at all. Our very air comes only from Him. The strength to move our lips comes from Almighty God.
So I say this: "Father, I don't know what to say or even pray. I'm full of flaws, I'm sinful, I can't do it God. But you can. So please Help!" Sometimes He answers the way I want, sometimes He doesn't. Either way, What do I say?
I say: "Thank you God. I love you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Please hold me. Please wipe away my tears. Please gather my tears in your bottle. I love you Abba."

Someday I would like to write something about Psalm 56:8. I looked back over my recent posts, and noticed that I've been talking about crying a lot lately. Not because I've been doing a lot of crying physically, but because my heart has been crying out to God.
Psalm 56:8 says this:
"You number my wanderings; Put my tears into Your bottle; Are they not in Your book?"
I would love someday to get a tear bottle. Dawn (I worked with her back home) has one, and it's so great. It's a wonderful reminder that God is gathering my tears in His bottle. I don't have to handle them, He will.

I'm so thankful that when I don't know what to say about anything or about something in particular, that God knows. When I can't even pray, God knows the cry of my heart.
So let's not follow our hearts and let it lead the way, let us instead follow God's word and let him lead us. And as I let go and say nothing at all but this, "Thank you God for gathering my tears in your bottle." And I know He sees me. He sees me as Lovely.
Because of the blood of Christ we are lovely.

Number 50: I See You

I see you.
Although you may not want me to, I do.
You think I see the imperfections, the mistakes, the heartaches. You cover them and wear your mask so that I won’t know.But I do.
You are afraid that if I see the pain, the mistakes, that I’ll think less of you.
That I’ll see you as you really are.
What you do not know is that I already see you as you are.
I see you.
I see you as lovely.
I see you as who are you.
I see you as you go through your day.
I see the smile you give to the one in the hall. The first smile she has had all day.
I see you as lovely.
I see the lunch you bought for the one who couldn’t for them self.
I see you as lovely.
I see you as you give a random hug. To someone who thinks no one cares.
I see you as lovely.
I see you as you share about Christ’s love. To one who feels unloved.
I see you as lovely.
I see you when you give the one a ride home so he doesn’t have to walk in the cold.
I see you as lovely.
I see you when you take an extra shift at work. So she can go to dinner with her dad for what will be the last time.
I see you as lovely.
I see you as you dance beneath the stars for only your heavenly father to see.
I see you as lovely.
Yes, I see the pain in your heart.
I see you as lovely.
I see the mistakes you make everyday.
I see you as lovely.
I see the hurt you are caused by others.
I see you as lovely.
No matter what, no matter who comes and who goes. No matter what clouds your heart and what causes you pain. It doesn’t matter what you do that you shouldn’t, or what you don’t do that you should. It doesn’t matter who says hateful things, and who ignores you. It doesn’t matter if you are alone or in a group. Lonely or filled. Upset or happy. Peaceful, joyful, or even sorrowful.
I see you as lovely.
I see you as who you are.
You are mine and I am yours.
I see you as lovely.

Friday, September 24, 2004


As I read back over my last post it struck how utterly random it really is. I learned the ASL sign for random the other day. It involves taking an open hand and drawing it across the front of you while closing it into a fist. In my mind this symbolizes taking a whole bunch of things or thoughts and drawing them together to make one. That's just my opinion mind you, but it seems to be fitting of my last post. It's funny the things and people which make up our lives.

I was reading someone else's blog today and it spoke right to my heart. He's a pastor and he was talking about how his blog is his place to be sad, angry, happy, basically just be himself. He's very well known now, and you can access his blog here. I will warn you that he is very candid at times therefore, the language is not always the cleanest to whatever standeards you have. But it's worth taking a second to stop and ponder what he has to say. He gets lots of feedback and that makes it even more interesting.

As you can tell from my last post I'm looking for you to comment on my posts. Sometimes I wonder if Tracy and Mom are the only ones who actually read Forever Seeking Weakness. This is not to guilt trip you, but simply to say that it's kind of scary to think that only 2 people read my blog. But it's also comforting. I sometimes forget that real live people are actually going to be reading this. It's easy for me to get to close to stepping on someone's toes, or to be far to open about what's going on in my life. I'm always scared somebody is going to read what I write and decide I'm suicidle or that I'm not a very good Christian because I have times of doubting. I know where I stand with God, but sometimes I forget that what I write isn't always read the right way. I also have to be careful about what I say because I do know my grandparents read this. Hi Grandparents!

All that to say that I'm doing ok. I just choose to take this time between classes today to ponder blogging. As I've said before, I definitely do not share all of my heart on here. I share very few pieces in fact. A lot of that is protecting other people's privacy, as well as my own. A lot of things happen regarding other people's lives that I do not talk about even though they impact my heart and life.

For this moment however, I will. I know my roomate Holly doesn't read my blog, simply because I haven't told her about it. So therefore I feel a little more free to talk about her right now. If someday you do in fact read this Holly, know that I love you, but I'm sick of you being on the phone. That sounds very much like a mom yelling at her 13 year-old daughter to get off the phone. In reality the situation is simply that Holly has a very serious boyfriend named Ben whom she talks to A LOT. He lives 2 hours away and so they spend a lot of time on the phone. She calls him to wake him up in the morning, he calls during her break in classes, she calls him during lunch, he calls during his afternoon break from work, he calls after he gets off work, she calls him before dinner, he calls after dinner, they talk a lot in the evenings, and they talk until one of them falls asleep. We simply have different views on what's healthy in a relationship. If I talked to anyone on the phone that much I'd feel smothered. And frankly, last night I was sick of my friends not feeling welcome in my room because she' s always on the phone. I was trying to study and they were having somewhat of a disagreement and I had to leave to get some sanity. Charity even thought Holly didn't like her because she never talks to her. Granted Holly doesn't know very much ASL, but still. GET OFF THE PHONE! I'd like to be able to come into my room and talk to my roomie, not my roomie and her boyfriend on the phone.

Now I will justify all that by saying that I'm very glad they have each other, I'm not jealous, and I love my roomie very much. I'm just sad that I don't get to talk to her that often.
There, that's something personal for you to chew on for a while. Something that also frightens me is that you will bring up some silly thing I said on here to me when we talk face-to-face or over the phone. In some senses I look at this as being my safe place to say whatever I need to, but then I forget that people are actually going to read it and draw conclusions off of it.

Oh well, I'm me and this is what I have to say. I feel like I'm stuck in my writing. Not just on here, but my other writing. Yes, I do more. It's like all I can blog about is my boring everyday events. Where did all the profoundness go? Where is my creativity? I feel sorry for you, this is not very creative. I try to at least make it interesting. I feel as though somehow my own personal style of writing is getting sucked up into the idea that I need to write as worthwhile as other people. That I should be able to captivate audiences instead of simply being real. But for now, all that is happening is that this post is getting longer and longer, and I'm getting less and less homework done. So I'll sign off, and for the sake of leaving you with even more boring information I'll tell you this.

I'm still a teenager. I only have about 9 months left of being a teenager, but today I feel like I'm 13 and starting all over. Why you ask? Because I have a huge zit on my forhead and I'm very self-conscious about it today. Charity told me I was beautiful last night, which involves circling your face to make the sign. It made me laugh and I signed back "no, I feel gross". Which I do. So there. There's some self-consciousness to make you remember that I'm not mature all the time. I too have times of not caring that God thinks I'm beautiful, but simply wanting to put on my jammies and go back to bed. I think I need some rubber duck pajamas. They would be cute.
So today it's all about the randomness. I will stop being so self-consumed for 2 minutes and say that I hope you have a wonderful day and that squirrels still rock.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

It's Okay To Cry

My little green frog feels very flat today...
And that's the extent to my deep thinking today. If only because in about 2 minutes I have to go analyze an article and then write a paper answering questions about it for Logic class. Which will take up more brain power than I have right now. And so, you get the weak frog logic.

It suddenly occured to me this evening that the next week and a half before my brother's wedding will go much to fast. I have 3 very hard tests next Monday and Tuesday, and 2 papers due next week as well. I'm not sure why my teachers decide mid-terms should happen in September this year, but I'll suffer through. Actually however, midterms is only a month away. This is a very scary thought when you figure out the next two weeks are crazy before the wedding, and then it's only another 2-3 weeks until mid-terms. SCARY THOUGHT! It's amazing me how fast this semester is going. I've only been here alittle over 4 weeks, but it feels like forever.

I start my new job on Monday! I'm kinda scared but excited as well. We had our first "King's Kids" program at my church tonight. I'm helping with the 5th and 6th grade girls who have major attitudes, which makes it very fun and interesting. :-) <--See, big smile. I also gave blood today, which adds to my tired feeling. I've given 4 pints in my life so far. Which means 4 more and I get a gallon pin! Which is kinda gross when you think about it. I mean, who wants a gallon of blood to be proud of? Plus, we only have what 8 or 9 pints of blood in our bodies? Which means when I've given a gallon (8 pints) that I'll have given all my blood at some point. Kinda weird. But it's a great cause and they love my blood 'cause I'm *AB Positive* which is the second rarest form of blood. It also means if I ever need blood, I'm kinda hard to give to. So give blood! Especially if you're AB Positive or Negative 'cause someday I might need yours, and you might need mine. So that's my life today. Kinda boring I know, but like I said, I don't have brain power for much more.

I'm having a very hard time focusing this last week and this week because of all the stuff that's going on personally. So pray for me if you will! I need an extra measure of grace and strength right now. And send stuff to make me smile please! Also, if you read this, yes I'm saying it again, COMMENT!! I'll do my best to respond nicely to any free stuff in the mail. I love fun socks! I'll do my best not to make myself a hermit. Well that's it for me except to say that I hope to make up all these boring just like stuff posts with better, deeper, more theological posts later on. But for now, my frog is squished. My brain is numb and I don't have time to spend working through deep thoughts. I have to many to figure out for classes, especially Logic class. I'm still nurturing my thoughts on hope and heaven, but they're still waiting for a better time.

Thank you for all your prayers, and if you want to be wonderful and mail me fun stuff, just email me for my mailing address. I think I sound like I'm begging, but yeah, pretty much I am. Seriously, sometimes I think I've been forgotten by people I once knew. Then I stop being so selfish and realize that there are so many people who tell me that they are praying for me. I guess sometimes I just need to be reassured of that. Which is where God comes in. He is the only way I'm able to cope with everything. I'm so thankful for His Grace. We were talking about grace in Intro to Counseling today, and I just about started to cry. Like cry really hard. I was thinking of my brother and all the things that are causing stress there, as well as all the school work, starting a new job, and I'm just really missing everyone a lot right now. When you add God's grace into it, it's the making for tears. Considering I was in the middle of class it wouldn't have been very appropriate, but God is ever reminding me that He gives more grace.

Gianni is playing a beautiful piece of music on the new piano here in the lounge right now. It amazes me how well she plays. She never acts like she can play or sing very well, but she can! It blesses my heart so much. So my dear sisters and brothers in Christ, go listen to some praise music. Stop and focus on God for 2 seconds at least. Forget about yourself, quit being so selfish, and remember God's grace. Take a second to "Be still and know". Love the one who made you.
I was just reminded about how blessed I am. Charity just came up and put her hands over my eyes. I was trying to guess who it was but of course she couldn't hear me. I finally turned around and realized who it was. We had a good conversation about how church was tonight. I wanted to cry again however, because I realized she can't hear the beautiful music being played right now. We take so many things for granted! Even though I can't sing at all, I love music sooooo much. It touches me and moves me in so many ways. So tonight I take time to appreciate the beauty of what I'm hearing. It might make me cry, but that's ok, I think I need to cry. Take care dear friends. I miss you and am so thankful for you.

Tuesday, September 21, 2004


I would just like to say that I am now in favor of the demerit system over the giving of monetary fines. Yes, I have received my first fine, and no I will not tell you what for. But grrrr!!
This day is totally appropriate of this song which you can link to here. Which as I did a Google search for I found a different but very funny version of it. You can link to that one here. Make sure you read it all the way to the end for the best part.
I'm definitely having a "Frog kind of day". Which I just invented but I think it's a great catch phrase.

Monday, September 20, 2004

Rings And Things

It would seem prudent to take advantage of having your attention on my last post and continue posting on hope, life, death, etc.. but I'm not going to. Ha! Gotchya! Mwahahaha...*evil laugh*
But in all seriousness, I'm going to be somewhat sentimental and silly.

I have decided that as much as I don't like being one of only 20-30 people (or at least it feels like this few) on campus who don't go home for the weekend, I do like weekends here. As I've already said, I love Saturday morning breakfasts but better than that I love Sunday nights. About the time we get home from church, roughly 7:30-8pm or so, people start coming back from their homes. It's like a huge party as all your floormates converge at once. It's always very loud and just lots of energy. Now it would makes sense that everyone would be somewhat sad and depressed to be starting another long week of classes, but in reality that's not the predominant emotion. People are talking about their weekends and just generally enjoying having 50 people to talk to.

Last night was no exception. I was already somewhat wound up and restless because after church Jake and Chadd decided they needed to drive my car so we cruised around for awhile. They also taught me to do perfect RPM shifting. Not something I'm going to try very often mind you because I value my transmission, but definitely useful knowledge to have. Anyway, we had tons of fun and so I was fairly wound up. Katie and I were walking down the hall to head to the D.P. (Dating Parlor, yes I know, it's really funny) when my floor leader Bekah gets back from her day spent with her family and her boyfriend. She and her boyfriend (Dustin) were going on a date that afternoon to this special park. So Bekah automatically hugs me and I asked how her date was. As she's hugging me she says "it was great!". Being the intuitive girl that I am I automatically realize that this was a little more than just a normal "great date". As I pull her arms from around me to grab her LEFT hand I realize that the gorgeous ring now gracing it means Dustin finally popped the question. YAY! Also being a normal girl I start shrieking and hugging her which draws just the crowd Bekah needs to get the full recognition that she needs right then. Which is somewhat ironic considering last Sunday night we played a giant prank on the whole floor by finding Bekah a fake ring to wear. Ahhh the irony. Anyway, the next hour consists of hearing the entire story and her dragging me around as she tells everyone. When dorm-lock finally arrives and we can't go anywhere it continues to be a crazy evening. I'll leave it to simply saying that any guys out there have no idea what goes on in girls dorms, and trust me, you don't wanna know. If you think you guys get wild and crazy, well so do we, and we have higher pitched voices. To add to the cacophony, we have around 20 or 30 people visiting the college from PA last night, today, and tomorrow. All high-school juniors and seniors with their chaperones. Needless to say, it was the craziest night in the girls dorm yet by far, and these poor high-school students are wondering "where in the world are these 'good Christian girls' from?". It was great fun however.

All of that to say this, one of my closest friends here at school is now engaged. Yes, I notice a pattern here. Minus a few very wonderful exceptions, a great bulk of my close friends are either engaged, married, having kids, or very close to one these. It does make me stop and wonder sometimes, but for now I simply thank God that I have the opportunity to observe and learn from their experiences. The analyzing stops there though. Yes, it does.

I would also like to say that it's been a very, very, very long time since I had such a crazy fun time. And you know what? It felt good. To simply let the cares of this world, the issues with people, the hurts, the pains, even the good things just disappear and have fun? It was great! And all without alcohol I would just like to say. It should prove to anyone who doesn't believe you can have crazy fun without being intoxicated that you can. I'm not sure where that came from, but take it as a bonus side-note. A free-be from the mind of Beth.

And so that's it. I have a post in my head to follow up on what I said about Hope on Saturday, but for now it's going to stay in my head. I have a paper to write for tomorrow and one for Thursday as well. I have plenty of reading to do along with those papers. As much as I like to read part of me can't wait to be done with the freshman and sophmore classes that require so much reading. But then I realize how much I learn by reading and feel guilty for not always enjoying it. One great thought is that technically next semester I'll be a junior. I'm still going to be in school for another 3 years, but at least I'll get to spend 2 of those as a senior. Which basically means I'll get to stay up until 1pm as much as I want, as well as park in the front lot. Not a whole lot of perks, but who am I to complain?

Alright, enough procrastinating, I'm going to go check my mail then do my homework. Wait, that is procrastinating. :-)

Saturday, September 18, 2004

Real Hope

It has been brought to my attention that I marked my 50th post with words such as Abugaboo. What can I say except how appropriate. No, I'm not going to explain why those words or sounds rather fit the day yesterday. Just know that I'm glad God's mercies are new every morning. And now, what to say about today. Hmmm...words honestly somewhat fail me. Nahhh....

I love Saturday mornings. Here at Pillsbury if you manage to stumble out of bed and into the dining hall by 11:00am you can have omelettes and pancakes made to order. That may sound rather simple and boring, but anybody who makes it through a week straight of cafeteria food, well omelettes made to order are like manna from heaven. Mmmmm...
I spent the afternoon buried in my logic book. 50 pages later, I don't feel any more logical. After dinner which was on the scale of making breakfast obsolete with it's unsavory flavor, Lynette, Gianni, and I went to Medford to find me shoes. I managed to find some dress shoes for school, but failed to find shoes for my bro's wedding. I find a pair I really like but not in my size. Grrr...

This evening I buried myself in my Intro to Counseling book. It's really interesting and I'm learning a lot from it, but tonight it was a hard read. I did spend some time talking with Bekka about Missions, which was very challenging. I still have a pile of homework to wade through tomorrow afternoon, and I'm sure that I won't get near the amount done that I want. I want to be ahead for the whole week but it's looking like only Monday or Tuesday. At least I don't start work until next week. It will help to get stuff done this week, but when I look at how to balance things after I start working, it can be overwhelming. I'm only going to be working 16 hours a week by my own choice, but it's still going to take some adjustment. I was sitting figuring out today how many more hours a week I would have to work to help a dream of going next summer come true. Yeah, it's not worth the insanity of working 25 hours a week. I've done it before, while taking a full class load, but I didn't learn anywhere near the amount I should have. I'm not going to spoil these wonderful classes by slacking off on my homework because of work. So, I'll simply put my desire to go on the top shelf, and simply pray about it. God can provide, but I know He doesn't always. That's kind of vague, but I don't have the desire to talk about it more.

I just decided that this post is very boring and uninteresting. I really didn't necessarily feel like posting tonight, so I'm not going to bore you anymore. I love writing and for now at least, on this blog it shouldn't be a chore. It should come out of my love to do it and the gift of having something worthwhile to say. So I'll be a good steward of the gift God has given me and stop using it until I'm much more awake. Yep, I'm definitely off to bed. But first this reminder:
There is always hope. God has not given us more than we can handle, and He will not test or try us beyond what we can bare. We have hope in the Lord. Hope for new mercies every morning, for forgiveness, for love, for the end of the trial, for the battle, for the joy, and the strength for all of these. If we our truely believers in Christ, and the children of God, we have something the world at large doesn't have. We have hope! If I never get to hold baby Emma, if I never make it to my brother's wedding, if I never get to hug a close friend again, if I never get to GO, I have hope and faith that there is something far better. If I die tonight or tomorrow, that's ok. I trust God to take care of me in life, and in death. I truely believe what Paul said "To live is Christ, and to die is gain". Not to say I plan on dieing anytime soon, but that's the hope I have. A hope of an eternal perspective always. The hope of glorifying God in this life, and of an eternity with Him in the next.
How could I ask for more?

Friday, September 17, 2004


I'm not going to explain this, I'm just going to say it.
Eeeeeiiiiiiii! Abugaboo...and bbblllllllllbbb...
There, those are my sounds for the completion of this day.
Don't worry, it's not supposed to make sense.

Thursday, September 16, 2004

From A Simple Sign, Comes Deep Truth

I've mentioned once or twice that I'm attempting to learn ASL (American Sign Language). Charity is having great patience with my lack of understanding and is still teaching me. Today I learned what might be one of the most important signs in my opinion. It's the sign for "Friend". To do this sign, you take your index finger from both hands and interlock them together. So one fist is facing you and the other one is down. I might be reading into this to much, but I find great truths in this relatively simple sign.

Friendship like the sign is meant to be easy. Yes, there are hard times, times of frustration, times of hurt, and stretching times. Being a friend won't always be easy, but the general concept is easy. You smile, say hi, and go from there. Yes, it takes time, effort, and trust, but that's what it's all about. Friendship is beautifully symbolized in the sign. It takes two to make it work. One finger doesn't work for the sign, just like one person trying to keep a friendship alive doesn't work. It takes two people to have a friendship. Funny though, it only takes one to make it stop. Friendship is also about giving of yourself, and interlocking with the other person. I said once, a long time ago that whether it's a friendship or relationship, you always give part of yourself away to the other person. One of my friends disagreed with me and said this instead: "You do not merely give part of yourself (heart) away in friendships/relationships, but rather an exchange takes place. Two people exchange pieces of their thoughts, intellect, hearts, etc..."

I disagreed with this statement at first, but now, as more than a year has passed since I was told that, I am tending to agree with it more. I still don't totally agree, and this is why. I believe that you do exchange part of yourself for the other person, but I also believe that it is possible for one person to give or accept more than the other. So yes, an even exchange would be best, but that's not the way it always works. I'm not saying for better or for worse, but it's a thought to ponder.

So as I try my hardest to learn as many signs as fast as possible, I'll also stop to tell Charity she's my friend even though we can't understand each other all the time. I'll also sign "Friend", and remember to be open enough to be the friend she deserves. I'll also go up to fourth floor to see her, and to stir up some trouble and laughter. Two of the things I do best after all.

Closets In Abundance

Today brought several extra-special things of which to be thankful for. A man about my mom's age who is attending Pillsbury this sememster took a look at my car today. Before he came back to school he was a mechanic for 30 years. Nice...So he was willing to at least take a look at my car. I didn't want to add to the onslaught of moochers, but he was willing to look and then tell me what to go have done. He told me a bunch of stuff I didn't understand, but I did get this much, that my brakes are fine, and that I have a little "blow-by" where my engine oil is concerned. Nothing to worry about at this point, and that it's just fine to drive. YAY! No worries about the smoke and smell, that's just from the oil, and it doesn't need attention right now. Good stuff. Thanks to Mr. Johnson for being willing to be a substitute dad, and to God for providing someone to take care of my baby (car that is).

Katie took me to the clinic to take my drug test today. She drove since I didn't know where it was. That place was like a maze! They sent me from one desk to another to another and then back to the second one again. Grrrr...all that just to take 5 minutes to pee in a cup. No worries, it didn't take that long to pee, but to fill out the paperwork. I have every reason to believe I'll pass. It was a pretty funny experience, and Katie only made it better. The nurse/lab tech/helpful lady who was handing me forms to fill out and explaining everything to me was super nice. She assumed I was from Pillsbury because of my address, and proceeded to tell me that her husband and son had both gone to Pillsbury. Her husband was probably here when my mom was. Small world huh? Nahhhh, just a big God. Anyway, she was really encouraging and blessed me in my studies. It was just a neat reminder that God's got His children all over the place.

And so, the week is almost over. I'm very grateful for this. Academically it's just been a very long week. I still feel like I'm playing catch up. I plan on pouring into my book this weekend. Getting ahead so that the weekend of the wedding I can leave free and clear. Two weeks! Two weeks and my brother will be a married man. It's rather scary when I say it like that. I just continue to pray over their marriage, and be very grateful Marit's loaning me a dress for the wedding. I just need to buy a decent pair of shoes to wear with it, and I think I'll need to get a different top as well. It's a very simple black sleeveless dress, and she's got a sweater to go with it, but the sweater isn't really dressy enough. And I need a top 'cause it's a fall wedding, and I hate sleeveless stuff. I look yucky in it. But I don't have to go buy an expensive dress which is awesome. That's one of the major perks about dorm life, it's like having over 50 sisters of which to borrow stuff from. I figure that by averaging it all out, there has to be a fair percentage of girls that are semi-close to my size, so lots of closets to pillfer. MWAHAHAHA...*evil laugh*. And that's the saga of the dress. I'm sure by this point I've lost most of the guys out there, so please forgive me, thanks for sticking around, and read on for less girly stuff.

I need to go read some logic before dinner. Ahh logic, that great required class that I'm so glad I waited to take until I got to a Bible College. I'm actually enjoying it tons. The teacher is fast becoming one of my favorites. Here's a cheer for the promise of Friday, and the promise of a fresh start on Sunday to another week.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Carpal Tunnel In The Making

To add another brighter note to the day, because my last post was in fact supposed to be happy, anyway, I got a job! YAY! I will be working 5 days a week for 16 hours total at Josten's. They make class rings, yearbooks, and the like. I will be an order processor. In other words, I get to type orders into a computer. It pays VERY well though, it's good hours, and I don't have to work on the weekends! YAY! It took some patience, and I still have to pass the drug test, not that I'm worried about that, but I finally got the job. I don't start for another 12 days, but that's ok.

God takes such good care of me, and I'm so glad I can trust Him even when I don't see Him taking care of me. I just wanted to share that piece of good news with you. Now just pray that I don't get Carpal Tunnel. Oh and Mom, thanks for making me learn to type.

What's In Your Melody?

I'm sure we're all familiar with the popular ad slogan "What's in your wallet?". Instead I ask what's in your melody? I've had this hymn running through my head all day, and it has caused me to ask what the melody and song of my life is made up of.

Does the mention of my name bring thoughts of joy and laughter right away? Or of pain and heartache? Of friendship, caring, or consideration? Or of selfishness and immaturity? Does my life glorify God? Do others see Christ in me? Is the melody of my life made up of selfishness, or of Jesus Christ?

Those are some thoughts I've been pondering as I've been humming this song all day. I was pretty miserable yesterday, but the nap definitely helped. I'm taking a guess that I had the beginnings of a migraine or something to that effect. It rained all day yesterday and all last night, but we saw some sunshine this morning. It's looking like more storms this evening, and the wind would blow little people away. But in the wind I feel the promise of cool weather, of good times with good friends. The smell of fall is in the air, and I feel the promise of the colors of fall, the reds and greens and golds, of snowball fights, sliding on the ice and snow, twinkle snow, the clean fresh feeling of cold air as you step outside, Christmas carols new and old, twinkle lights, Christmas candles, and sugar cookies. In case you don't know, I love this time of year, and I love Christmas. I've always loved giving gifts, and the emotions behind them. I love showing people I care about just how much I care. College students tend to be short on money though, so creativity is coming to the forfront where gifts are concerned.

All of this comes back to the melody that is in my heart. As the winter and Christmas season is promising to quickly be knocking at our doorsteps, and at the door of our hearts, what is our focus with that? Are we consumed with ourselves, or is the melody of our hearts one of a servant? What makes up my life?

That is the primary thought that is challenging me right now.
What makes up my life?
Am I self-consumed, or do I give all of me to Christ, who in turn shares me with others?

"Lord, I pray that you continually become the focus of my life. That I shield my heart from the pains and cares of this world that seek to draw me away from you. I pray that the melody of my heart will be beautiful to those that hear it. I pray that your love and compassion are what is heard from my life. May the things that make up my life all be immersed in you and your love."

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Drip, Drop

It's rainy weather outside. Not the kind made for standing or praying or singing in the rain. This day isn't meant for splashing in the puddles or running in the rain. It's off and on yucky drizzly stuff. It's raining outside, and I'm sick. I woke up all congested and coughy this morning. I've been cold ever since I woke up, and I can't get warm. I have no desire to go to class, no desire to do my homework, and certainly no desire to figure out what's wrong with my car. But I still have to do all of the above.

I have class in about 5 minutes, so this is going to be short. If anything, this is simply to say I'm human, and sometimes, complaining comes so easily. I am thankful for the life that God has given me, but for today, I'd like to simply curl up in my bed, watch the drizzles come down, and cry in the rain. No, I'm not PMSing, but crying has come rather easily the last 16 hours or so. Sometimes, I wish I didn't care so much. Sometimes I try not to care so much, but it never works. I care about people, and so I get hurt. And then I cry over them. I do trust that God has a perfect plan, and that He will provide. Sometimes though, it hurts. And that hurt creeps it's way up to my eyes, and then all comes pouring out.
So I'm off to class. After which I will make some hot chocolote in my smiley-face mug, curl up in my nest, shed some tears, pray really hard, and drift off to sleep without the guilt of homework. There should be guilt, but I need a nap worse. But for now I'm off to class.

P.S. As a postscript, computers stink. Their clocks cannot be trusted. Because the clock on the computer told me it was 12:53, I believed it. When in reality it was 1:02 when I left for my 1pm photography class. And since I was late, I don't have a textbook. Don't even ask, it's to complicated. I'm going to find my bed, and some decongestant. Which almost put me to sleep in chapel this morning. Grrr...I didn't even like photography class today, I must be sick.

Monday, September 13, 2004

On The Coast Of Somewhere Historical

And so, my first official test at Pillsbury is complete. As in a real test, you know, 50 questions later. Dear Mr. McGuire and History of Civilization I were the setting for this first auspicious occasion. And yes, I studied. I made over 20 notecards about all the different cultures and made up silly ways to remember it all. Such as Thutmose the 3rd was often referred to as the "Napoleon of Egypt" because he "thut" he was great like Pharoah. Yeah, I know, corny. But it helps remember so that's what's important. I'll also not share anymore of those, I wouldn't want you to fall off your chair laughing.

The great thing about Scantron froms is that you receive your grade very soon through email should your teacher be so kind to email it to you. Which Mr. McGuire is. I came back from lunch to find my grade waiting pleasantly in my inbox. Yes, I'm trying to draw this out. I received an A-! Yay! I was so excited. I was hoping for an A, but willing to deal with a B or C. I knew after taking the test that I knew quite a bit of it, thanks to my silly memory tricks, but I also knew I didn't know it all. And so, I am happy. One test down, 4 more years of test to go. Wait, that's not too optimistic.

I find joy in knowing that even though I accidentally let my english muffin bread go bad, I now have Duck Food. One of my floor leaders, Bekka, and I are going to go feed ducks this afternoon. I'll also sing to myself a Kenny Chesney song, yes it's country, "On the coast of somewhere beautiful". I have a dream in my heart, a hope for an opportunity presented to me, and for the time being, I'll keep it in my heart.
For now, I'm off to check my mailbox...hint...hint...(you should send me mail) and bury into the mound of homework that awaits me after my weekend in Alec. Sing Loud!

Sunday, September 12, 2004

Blues Star Stuck In Traffic

I'm sure you all know that yesterday was September 11th. It would have seemed appropriate to have some sentimental or profound thoughts to share about the day. I have none worth sorting through at this time. I had many thoughts, many topics, many frustrations, and many tears, but for the time they will stay buried in the recesses of my mind.

Also, I was in Alexandria all day yesterday. Last night as I left I gave Jeff and Anna a hug, and as I drove away I prayed for them, for safety traveling to Turkey, for a huge ministry there, and most of all, that the people of Turkey would come to love them as much as we do here. I also felt a tinge of envy, a ache of sadness, and a tug to simply ditch school and do what they're doing. But as I start to dig into my homework I remember that I need to learn, and I have so much learning to do.

Katie and G went home this weekend and brought back their guitars. Neither one can play very much at all but they're willing to learn. I teased G that it was appropriate that she learn to play seeing as one of the strings and chords is a "G". She didn't get the joke. I thought it was funny. :) Then again I amuse myself more often than others. :) Anyway, I picked up G's guitar and attempted to tune it a little better for her. It's not perfect, but it's better than it was. I suddenly had a great memory of Shar-a-thon at KBHW one night and Bruce teaching me the blues. I picked out the 3 chords just now and had to laugh. It's a great memory from this summer, and one that makes me laugh. I remember Gene's bass voice singing the blues and I have to laugh. Ahh, good times.
G laughed at my blues attempt. Hey, whatever I can do to keep people smiling. :-D

Andy showed me around the T.V. station that employs him in Alec. Maybe a better way to say that is the station that he keeps running. ;-) It's definitely much more complicated than radio, but some of it was familiar. It made me miss pushing buttons and keeping it live. It also makes me want to learn about T.V., but that'll have to wait.
Meanwhile I had a great note from Charity when I got back late last night. She's a deaf student and I had written her a note asking her to help me learn sign language because I want to be able to talk to her. She's willing to help and is excited to become friends. It's so neat to me, and a blessing I hadn't even anticipated. Now I simply pray for a quick mind, and even quicker fingers. Charity was teaching me the alphabet on Friday, and we'll just say that my fingers aren't very flexible. There were only small amounts of laughter at the table as Sarah reached over about 15 times to fix my fingers.

That's about it for now, except to say traffic on the way to Alec was a nightmare. What should have been a 3 hour drive quickly turned into 4 and a half hours. It was better last night, it was only 3 hours back. But I have a huge praise. I was listening to traffic in the cities, and literally about 5 minutes after I driven through a particular section of I-94, I heard the news of a huge accident there and the traffic was backed up for over a mile. I just thank the Lord that He protected me from being the accident, and from getting stuck in the traffic for hours. And so, another adventure comes to a close, and now, for the dangers of my homework...blech, I'm going to go eat lunch.

Friday, September 10, 2004

One Morning, Over Breakfast

For those of you wondering, yes, my eye is fine. I didn't even go to the urgent care. YAY! God just took care of it. So thank you for praying, I firmly believe in the power of prayer, even for little things.

It's been a busy and tiring week, but a good one. I'm still learning lots, and enjoying it all. We had our first student chapel on Wednesday, and it was great. It's nice to not have faculty around once in a while. We sang a beautiful song in chapel called "In Christ Alone". I've heard it before, but now I have the words and it's been in my head ever since. You can find it here.

I'm headed to Alexandria after classes this afternoon. I'll be there until Saturday evening. I'm so excited to see everyone. I realized this morning how much I really do miss it there. Well, really I miss all the people. I love you all so much! You have made such a huge impact on my life. I haven't been to Alec in almost 4 months, so it's definitely time to make the journey. Jeff and Anna leave for Turkey on the 15th, and I want to make sure I see them before they leave. We had a "Heartbeat for Missions" meeting last night, that's our campus missions group, and I had a huge moment of remembering having breakfast with Anna and her asking me "so why aren't you going into missions?" That was a huge turning point in my life, and I'll never be the same.

My classes are great, but I keep learning of things I want to learn. I'm getting a 4-year degree with a double major in Missions and Bible, a 2-year degree in Photography, and I'd like to get a minor in counseling. But I'd also like to take Spanish, Greek, and Sign Language. I think I'm going to be here a while. :) But seriously, Sign Language is a must, because we have several deaf students and I want to be able to talk to them. So I'm learning. Charity, one of the deaf students, is going to help me until next fall when I can take a class. So pray that I'll learn quickly so she and I can talk to each other.

I'm so blessed today, and everyday. But today I just feel the overwhelming love of God in my heart. He has shown and healed so many things even in the past week, and I'm so thankful for His care and love. My hope is truly found only in Christ. I have never known the feeling so clearly as now being exactly where I'm supposed to be. There is no doubt in my mind that I'm right where God wants me, and I'm learning the things He wants me to. I love what I'm learning, and I can't wait to learn more. Hence why I want to take so many more programs and degrees. Especially Greek. To be able to interpret scripture, wow! I have so much to learn, but I'm so thankful for each moment. One day at a time, and one lesson every minute sometimes.

"Thank You Lord for this day, this hour, even this minute to serve you. May I walk in awe of your love and watchcare over me."

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Squint, Blink, And Sing

I'm taking a break from deeper topics, so here's an update on my health and life.

Since Sunday morning my left eye has been bothering me. It feels like there's something in it just kinda rubbing up against my eye/eyelid. This morning I went and saw the nurse and she washed it out for me (I had already done this twice) and said that there didn't appear to be anything in it. I could possibly have something hidden inbedded in my eye. Great. She suggested either going to the Urgent Care where they could put some dye in it to see either a hidden scratch or object, or waiting 'till tomorrow morning to see if it gets better. It's already been 48 hours and she informed me that if it was a scratch the eye usually heals itself within 24 hours. So basically no one knows what the deal is. It doesn't hurt, it's just really annoying. So I've been wearing my classes for the last 24 hours, and as my good friends will know, I hate my glasses. Today I'm getting a head-ache from them. The difference in the way I hold my head and in prescription is just enough to drive me bonkers. Everyone tells me to just go to Urgent Care and get it over with, and don't mess around with your eyes, but I'm waiting and praying that God will just take care of me. Mrs. Champion (old friend of my parents and my campus mom) gave me a huge hug when she found out and thinks the devil is just trying to discourage and distract me. It was working, but I'm determined to hold my head up and Sing for Jesus.

Which brings me to my next topic. For those of you getting somewhat annoyed with my continual posts of songs that are on my heart, here is my solution.
Here is my place to simply share the songs that are running through my head and ministering to my soul. I hope you enjoy, and don't feel the need to go and read unless you want to. I simply felt the need to share the songs that minister to me everyday.

In other news, well that's about it. I'm tired, and I hope my eye gets it's attitude right. I have lots of homework, but I'm keeping up on it which is good. There's a boys soccer game at 4pm so I'm either going to go take a nap and hope that helps my eye and general crummy physical feeling, or go do homework...we'll see which one wins.
I so need your prayers, and your comments! I miss you guys and would love to know that you actually care about what I'm writing and that it's not just a bunch of words and ramblings. Wait, it is that.
Also, I love mail! I have yet to receive one piece of mail in my Pillsbury box. Yes, I'm asking for mail. So get ahold of me and I'll send you my address. Wait, I need to mail you something in return, hmmm...I'll come back to that.

Hmm I think homework is going to win.
Until some deep thought comes my way, or I hear a good joke,
Have a great day! And dance for Jesus!

Monday, September 06, 2004

The Cries Of The World

It seems that everywhere we look these days there is another charity or relief organization crying out for money, volunteers, or just plain recognition. Now, I'm all for volunteering, I think it's our duty as human beings to help in any way possible. But to my ears, there is a far greater cry that is not being heard.

It's the cry of our children and our adults. It's a cry of desperation. It's a cry that most often isn't seen or heard. It's a hidden cry that is most often expressed anonymously. I recently stumbled onto a blog written by a girl in England. She diaries her journey and struggle with anorexia. I'm going to share a few of her words from a recent post.

"My mother drove me to my ED (eating disorder) in the first place, and now she is driving me back to it. First it started with me wanting her to love me and pay attention to me. I tried to be perfect for her. She always made comments about my weight. I wanted to be right for her."
"She tells me she has tried to help, that she has done all she can. But she doesn't see the obvious. I don't need her to cure me of my ED. Only I can do that. I need her to love me and hold me, to tell me that everything is going to be ok."

Let me qualify anything else I say later by first saying this. I am not going to give you the blog address because there is some questionable material on there, neither am I promoting the mindset behind modern psychology that she is expressing of blaming others for our problems. If we suggest she seek therepy, she will most likely go through a process of learning why she has this disorder and who to blame for it. Which she has already done. I think we need to take account for our own actions, while learning why we choose to do what we do. Yes, her mother may have contributed to her anorexia, but she made a choice, and is making a choice to continue. This doesn't mean that I'm not compassionate, it's simply a qualifier.

Now I would like to say this, my heart broke when I read her blog. Here is the hidden cry of a teenage girl seeking love and affection. Only to be heard by a complete stranger a continent away who can't do anything besides pray. In this blog is the cry of someone who is hungry and searching for something besides food to fill that hole. Those are the cries that we need to listen to. Broken and hardened people searching, and they don't even know what they're searching for. I wish I could be more than a stranger in the U.S. and be able to get ahold of this girl somehow, and tell her that someone does see her as beautiful. In fact, He made her just the way she is because she's so beautiful. I want to hold her and wash away all the pain and scars, and let her cry. But only God can do that, so I'll simply pray that He becomes known to her and she finds her identity in Him, not in her weight.

So today, let's listen to the unspoken cries of our world. I'm not recommending these books as the truth of God, or even as being plausible, but they're a good fiction read. "The Heart-Reader" and "The Heart-Reader at Franklin High" are two very good FICTION books about hearing the pain deep inside of other people.

I pray that we will see the pain in our dormmate/roomate/co-worker/friend/relative/aquaintence/church family/stranger's faces, and be the one who will finally listen to the unspoken cries. Let us not become so pre-occupied with our own lives, our own problems, and our own circles that we become blind to the needs of others.

"Lord, help us to hurt when others hurt. Break our hearts for the lost world Father. May we be you and show your love to the world. May the caring on our faces and in our hearts be a reflection of you. Help us to Love Father."

"Jesus to the World (Roaring Lambs)" By Newsong
A little girl who is hungry, Prays for something she can eat, A single mom doing all she can, Finds herself out on the street, Will we see their need and hear their cries, Look at our watch and just walk on by, Or will we stop and take the time, To be Jesus in their lives

Chorus: We need to be lambs that roar, We need to be eagles that soar, We need to be salt, We need to be light, We need to be Jesus to the world, We need to take love into the streets, Be willing to turn the other cheek, We need to be strong, We need to be weak, We need to be Jesus, Jesus to the world

Jesus came with a message, That would change the way we live, He showed us all by example, What the heart of heaven is, He saw our need and He heard our cry, He loved us so much that He gave His life, He taught us by his sacrifice How we should live our lives

repeat chorus

We need to be Jesus, Jesus to the world

Saturday, September 04, 2004


It's hard being a young adult. It seems to me that older adults, even those in their late twenties often see us as being naive. This is not a generalized statement, it does not apply to everyone, so please don't take offense. I will admit to be unexperienced in life to a point. I have never experienced marriage, or the things which come after that. I haven't experienced a lot of things. Some are good, some are bad.

But I have experienced life to this point. I've experienced far more than I wish to at times. I've made choices that certainly were not right, and were far above my age and innocence in learning about. I've been hurt by people, by love even. I've lost and missed people. I no longer feel innocent to the world. I miss being four. 4 year-olds have it so great. They aren't in school, and all they have to do is play. They're old enough to play by themselves and with friends, and young enough to still sit on mommy and daddy's lap. They still run for hugs and kisses, and are still amazed by the world. They see the world through huge eyes that can't wait to see more.

I'm not saying I've been disappointed by the world, but oh to go back to the days when life was so new and fresh. I see the pain and hurt in the world, in my friends, in myself. I see misguided relationships, I see love hurting, I see dreams die, I see hurts caused, and I see life happen.
But I also see life. I look back and see the many joys and wonderful adventures I've had.

I remember riding my bike for the first time down the driveway by myself. I remember reading my first book. I remember memorizing my address and phone number. I remember my first "AWANA" plaque, and being so proud that my dad came to see me presented with it. I remember switching churches, and making new friends and learning so many new things. I remember my first baby-sitting job. I remember my first time at camp. I remember finally being old enough for youth group. I remember my first crush. I remember my first good guy friend. I remember my first time traveling across country to camp in N.Y with the youth group. I remember my first job, and how excited I was. I remember my first summer living in N.Y. at camp. I remember my first missions trip to inner-city Chicago. I remember my first cross-country plane trip. Flying to another summer in N.Y. all by myself. I remember being sweet-sixteen. Finally realizing that life was speeding up with each year. I remember barely passing my driver's test, and then choosing to not be at home but go see friends. Sorry Dad. I remember starting college at the age of sixteen. I remember it as my first real day of "school". I remember spending more time with my friends, and less time at home. I miss you mom. I remember my brother going to college, where he would meet his fiance. I remember starting my senior year of high-school. I remember applying to Moody Bible Institue. I remember receiving my rejection letter while standing in the door-way of my grandmother's hospital room as she barely held onto life. I remember walking away to cry alone only to be followed and hugged by my pastor. Thanks for being there Pastor Jeff. You'll always be my pastor by the way. I remember driving to Alexandria with Tracy and Anne for the first time. I remember a great week spent in Chicago, and God planting the seed for missions, and for my move to Alexandria. I remember getting lost trying to get home from Alexandria. Sorry for scaring you Tracy and Anne. I remember praying to find our way home, and then getting out at a gas station for directions and meeting former students of Anne's dad and a guy that had worked with my cousin. All while 5 hours from home. I remember knowing that God still works miracles. I remember graduating. The tears, the joys, the memories. I remember packing up my boxes, and my childhood as I prepared to move into my own apartment. I remember the first drive from home to my new home. I remember thinking "I'm now an adult" and then wanting to drive back and be held one more time by my parents. I remember burning many meals, paying rent, and cleaning. I remember the struggles of being my own adult, and the joys as well. I remember coming home at 3am just because I could. And then knowing the next morning at 7 why adults don't do that. I remember visiting California with Nicole. Thanks for the great memories darlin'. I remember quitting school, because marketing wasn't for me. I remember the faith that living off of $20 involved. I remember searching long and hard for my first full-time job that wasn't to be found. And then God dropping the perfect one in my lap. I remember having breakfast with Anna P. , and her being very blunt and asking me why I wasn't pursueing missions. I remember deciding to go to Bible college to pursue missions. I remember deciding to move back home for the summer, and the heart-ache of leaving my friends. I remember applying to Bible College, and finally being accepted. I remember very well working 60 hours a week, 7 days a week just to save money for college. I remember the joys of this summer, the pain, and the friendships. I remember saying good-bye. I remember hearing that Jenn and Matt were parents, and the joy of knowing Jenn's dreams were coming true. I remember finally knowing that I was pursueing a life and degree that would finally be what was for me, and what would serve God. I remember.

So even with the loss of the innocence that I want back, life has provided so many joys. And if I'm naive, well I trust that life will afford me some more experience. I simply pray today that I will be spared unnecessary pain. I pray that God will allow me to make less painful mistakes, in order to get the important choices right. I pray for protection for my heart, but I also pray for vulnerability. I thank God for the adventures I have had, and I pray for more. I pray that I will always be amazed by God's creation, and will continue to see life through a 4 year-olds eyes. May we always see the wonder of who God is, and what He has done. Oh I know, you've been hurt. You don't see how you could look out of what may seem "rose-colored 4 year-old eyes". I do, give it to God. Allow Him to hold all of your "remembers". Allow Him to hold your past, present, and future. Allow your Abba, your daddy, to hold you.

So I pray for more remembers, and for the grace to be naive.

Thursday, September 02, 2004

What Is Real Thirst?

"A Passion For Thee"
1. Set my heart, O dear Father, On Thee, and Thee only, Give me a thirst for Thy presence divine. Lord, keep my focus on loving Thee wholly, Purge me from earth; Turn my heart after Thine.

A passion for Thee; O Lord, set a fire in my soul, and a thirst for my God. Hear Thou my prayer, Lord, Thy power impart. Not just to serve, but to love Thee with all of my heart.

2. Father fill with Thy Spirit, and fit me for service, Let love for Christ every motive inspire, Teach me to follow in selfless submission, Be Thou my joy and my soul's one desire.


All this week at Pillsbury we've been having "evangelistic meetings" with a special evangelist. It's been every morning and evening Tuesday-Thursday, and we have one more tomorrow morning. I've enjoyed them, even while pondering the church's take on modern evangelism. I have my doubts about typical "evangelists" these days, and their chosen styles. I'm not sure how big a fan I am of having an alter call at every service, nor of the "sinner's prayer". I've appreciated the fact that the "sinner's prayer" has basically been dissed by Pillsbury. But that's another subject for another time. I will say that there is definitely a time and place for alter calls, even for Christians. I find that there is a need to be public about something, or simply to step forward in faith and say "I'm listening God".

It occured to me while reading another blog that while I feel I'm quite personal here on my blog, I don't let you in on my inner thoughts, dreams, and struggles. Don't worry, I'm not about to start doing that. Those things are private, and not meant for blogs. They are meant to be few and far between and in with close friends. But tonight I find it's beneficial to be brutally honest and share a portion, or at least a small inch of what's on my heart.

So for tonight, I'm trying to decide if I'm thirsty. To go even deeper than that, I'm trying to define thirst. I'm not talking about the recommended 80 ounces of water a day, or drinking Gatorade instead of Soda. No, I'm talking about a thirst for the Lord. The Psalmist says in Psalm 42:1-2 "As the deer pants for the water brooks, so pants my soul for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God."
We sang the hymn at the beginning of this blog in the service tonight, and frankly, I couldn't sing very loud. The hymn did go along with the message and alter call, but it caused me to go a wondering. Do I know what a real thirst for God is, and do I have it?

I'm sick of the highs and lows of Christianity. One thing that I've been so grateful for in the past year is a more "flat-ground" faith. Not as many roller coasters to deal with. There are no doubt still hills and valleys, but they're not as earth-shattering. I've been learning to walk with the Lord day by day, and to deal with them when they come, and not be a drama queen about things. But still the question remains, do I thirst for God? I felt somewhat like a rock when the sermon didn't move and convict me more than usual. When I, who tends to be a very emotional person, wasn't moved to tears by the people going to the alter. On one hand, this is encouraging because I've been giving God my emotions, and He's been helping me handle them rightly. On the other hand, I feel almost callous.

Several of my newest and closest friends here at Pillsbury are dealing with some serious stuff right now. Their families have issues, and just lots of stuff. I too have family issues, but in comparison, they're not that major. I find myself thanking God for my parents, and then thanking my parents for being such great parents. When I look at what I could have gotten, I become incredibly thankful for what I do have. All that to say, I'm thankful to the Lord that I'm learning to deal with things well, and not have to go running to a floor-leader or someone like that to get counseling every week. I can see God maturing me for Him. But still the question remains, am I thirsty?

I don't know the answer, except for this. I'm thirsty for the knowledge that I'm starting to get here at Pillsbury. I'm thirsty for growth in the Lord. I'm thirsty to know more about the scriptures. I'm thirsty to be better prepared for life in the ministry. I'm thirsty to be in the ministry. These are all great thirsts, but am I thirsty for God? For the pure and simple love of God and His word? Not because it's homework, but because I want to commune with my God and Savior? As the hymn says, "Not just to serve, but to love thee with all of my heart".

My prayer tonight is for brokeness and thirst. To not simply know what I have to do and then do it, or allow God to work in me, but to sit at His feet. Mary truely was more blessed than Martha. She got to sit at Christ's feet and be touched by Him. Martha loved the Lord as well, but she missed the importance of simply being, and not doing. So I pray to stop doing and learning long enough to be at Christ's feet.

"Lord, I don't know what kind of a thirst I need. I don't want a mountain top experience, but I want a thirst for you. One that never goes away Father. I pray tonight for a thirst that is never quenched. Let me sit at your feet and simply soak you up. I pray to not be concerned about getting another thing right, even trying too hard to get a thirst for you right. Let me simply be. Let everything about YOU be in me. May all that I am be a reflection and overflowing of You. Make me thirsty God. Make me thirsty for You and only You. I confess losing my focus and being concerned with things of this world, and the people of it. There are things I need to do, and people I need to love and be there for, but YOU are my existence. May you always be the Lover of my soul, and the fulfillment of it. May my thirst be quenched only by you, only to have a greater thirst that is deepened by being with you. Let my cup overflow Father, but pour me out as well. Father, my Abba, Oh Daddy, hold me, for I need you so right now."

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Welcome To The World Emma!

I forgot to mention the fact that I'm now an Aunt. Not officially, but an unofficial one.

Matt and Jenn (my very close friend) had their first bundle of joy Monday morning at 11:57. Emma Faith arrived safe and sound weighing in at 7lbs. 3 1/2 oz. and 19 1/2 inches long. She has the cutest black hair and an adorable nose according to Momma Jenn. I had a message waiting from Jenn that evening that "Aunt Beth" finally had a niece. I received pictures of her via email late Monday night and she's definitely a cutie. I can't wait to hold her.

So congradulations Matt and Jenn, along with Uncle Travis, Grandma Glenda, and Grandpa Lloyd. As well as the rest of the family which is too lengthy to mention here. And thanks Jenn for letting me have the chance to spoil Emma rotten, and to be an adopted aunt. Get some rest!

Dust, Pre-Historic Man, and 82 Degrees

I have found several things to laugh at today.
We had our first room checks today. Holly and I received a warning because of "dust". I have to say I laughed at the fact that we've only been here 8 days or so, and we already have accumulated dust. So yes, I think we're quite at home in our room.

In History of Civilization this morning we were talking about pre-historic man. Mr. McGuire likes to say "absurd" a lot when referring to evolution and the like. He commented several times on how "absurd" pre-historic man was because history is the story of man, so how could we have a man before history? He made a good point, but he was so worked up and he even laughed at the whole thing. I couldn't help but sit there and laugh at the goofiness of it all. I'm not sure how History of Civ. is going to go. I know we're going to be taking tons of notes, but I'm crossing my fingers, pardon me, I'm praying that he goes more in depth on why something such as the philosophy behind pre-historic man is not correct. We'll see on Friday I guess.

The handy-dandy little weather bug at the bottom of my screen is telling me right now that it's 82 degrees outside. Considering I left Ray in a sweatshirt at a cool 50 degrees or so, this is kinda nice. However the humidity is awful and I was growing rather fond of my sweatshirts. I've decided that since it is now September (where did August go by the way?) that it's time for fall. I'm ready for hot chocolate, raking leaves to jump into, sweaters, and the smell of fall. Which basically consists of the smell of dead leaves and cold air, but I love it just the same. So I laughed at the temperature today. God's sense of humor really surprises me sometimes. So here's to sandals and the hope of monkey socks yet to be worn.