Wednesday, January 28, 2009

The Irony

So why is it that we, okay I'll say I, always seem to say that I just need to let go and trust God to take care of it, and then I never do? There are so many things (okay everything) to look back on in life and see how God had perfect timing and His plan was much better than what I thought I wanted. And yet, when it comes to a new situation to trust God with, I fail to do so completely. And frankly, if we don't trust God completely, are we really trusting Him? There is no part-way with God...He doesn't do a "okay, I'll just meet you in the middle, you can trust me with your job but not your spouse, or you can trust me with your time but not your money." It doesn't work that way, Proverbs 3:5 says "Trust in the Lord with ALL thine heart." (emphasis added) not some, not part, but ALL. It seems so often too that words such as "Well, God's in control right?" or "God will take care of it." "I just have to trust right?" seem to roll off my tongue and lips but never quite sink into my heart or actions. I often wonder why I'm surprised when God shakes up my world just to get me to loosen my grip on "my" life... Isn't that my constant prayer, that I'll learn to trust Him more? And if I won't relinquish control, then He has to shake me up. And yet, God never demands I trust Him. He certainly wants me to, and yes, does command it in Scripture. But as for everyday life, He doesn't force me to trust Him. I'm not a little robot who has no choice but to trust the big God. No, I have a choice everyday, with every emotion and action, to trust in the one who's bigger than it all. We really have no idea how Big God Is. The universe alone is an incomprehensible picture of God's greatness, and yet, I have the gall to say, "Oh no God, see I know how I want this to go, so I'm going to make it happen my way." or, "Really God? What are you doing?! If you would just let this happen right now, I would be so happy!". How foolish I and we as humans really are. To think that our timetable and agenda is better or more important than the God of the UNIVERSE. HELLO! What don't we get?! And yet, there's that great big God of the universe that has the world in motion and yet He wants to make my life a better glorification of Himself. He's orbiting planets and yet He still cares about the little details of my life and giving me the strength to bear all things for His honor and glory. And all those MAJOR problems I'm losing sleep and tears over, He's got it covered! He sees the beginning, end and in betweens even if I never know why...and really, He doesn't need to show me! It's so easy to look back and see how God worked and give Him the glory when I see the whole picture, but what about those things I never know how they turned out and why they did they way they did? He's still in control!
I'm grasping to try and make the point I've had mulling in my brain for the past week or so. Basically what I'm trying to say is that in our human finitness we try to put God in our little boxes and explain why He does stuff..."Oh, someday you'll see why God waited on this. " Or, "Oh, that's why God didnt' let that happen." or, "Oh, now I see what God was doing." When in reality, Who CARES?! God doesn't answer to me! I'm soooo self-centered that I think that God's at least someday got to explain it all to me. What if I get to heaven and try to ask God about something (Which really, will I care about why my taxes were so high when I'm praising the King of Kings...I don't think so!) will He really deem it important to explain to me...HE'S GOD! He gets to do whatever brings Him glory without EVER sharing why. And really, from Scripture, I can have complete assurance that God will only do that which glorifies Himself and better displays Himself to the world. So if He gets glory from my losing $20 out of my pocket, go for it! I'm so dillusional to think that God's got to assure me of His plan. HE DOESN'T REPORT TO ME!
Basically, here's me, little peon of existance, here's God, MAKER OF THE UNIVERSE!

And yet, here's me, little peon of existence, and here's God, who loves me so much that He sent His Son to die on a cross so I could be with Him and bring Him more glory through my salvation and eternal life...Do I get how they can both be true? Not really...I sure try to puff up myself to much more importance than I have, and I sure need to humble myself in sight of the cross...But again, God's got it under control. I wonder how much more glory I could be giving God if I could get this through to my emotions and actions... I guess my prayer lately is that I would realize how little imput I get into what God's doing, and yet be grateful that He allows me to see how He's working in my life and others.

"Come now you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit' yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, 'If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.' As it is, you boast in your arrogance All such boasting is evil. So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin."
James 4:13-17

"I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait on the LORD; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord!" Psalm 27:13-14

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Sitting Still

It seems like since my marriage to Andrew, I've had to fight for time to just sit still. Not that he doesn't know how to relax, it's jus that his idea of relaxing is skiing or biking for miles on end. Which I've also realized is quickly becoming my idea of a good time too. But all this to say is that I'm learning to just say yes and go with him, and he's learning to sit still and just relax in random ways with me. And all that to say that yesterday, on our day off, Andy agreed to take me to supper in St. Cloud and do some random window shopping. Which sounded like a great escape to me who was starting to go stir crazy.
So we made a few visits to some camera stores, managed to find another battery for our Canon-20D, and looked at remotes for it as well. Then we made a stop at Scheel's All Sports simply because it's one of our favorite places to be and spend money. Andy usually heads straight for the biking stuff while I wander a bit. So when I caught up with him, I started looking at their clearance bike jerseys since now's the time to buy. One exciting note being that I found one, but that's a sidenote. Meanwhile we "happen" to browse through their very limited (for winter) selection of clearance bikes, since it is winter afterall. And low and behold there's a Trek Madone 4.5 in 56 cm and a 58 cm... which would be Andy's size by the way. Now, our current plan has been that after we get our tax refund this year Andy would be getting a new road bike. Seeing as his is over 20 years old and I've managed to accumulate 3 new bikes these past 2 years. I at least was planning on this costing quite a bit of money and trying to plan for that accordingly. Okay, long story short, we talk to the salesmen, Andrew takes me to a yummy dinner at Buffalo Wild Wings...yum yum! and then I talk him into buying this bike, we go back, he needs a 58cm, 'cause he's so tall! and he's then convinced to buy the bike at an amazing savings of our well, savings account. Basically even though it's last year's model, it's the bike he'd love to have, at about a grand cheaper than this year's model. So he's happy, I'm excited and vindicated, and our checkbook is even happier. Oh yeah, and we also got 2 free t-shirts out of the deal. Well, rather I got the t-shirts. He gets a bike, I get the t-shirts. Seems fair.
Andy's regret is that he wasn't buying the bike at our local bike shop but really, they didn't have this bike for this price. It stinks, but it's the way it is. And also, Scheels advertises with Andy's employer, and he'll buy the pedals and his new shoes and stuff locally. Because yes, even he agreed to move up in the world to SPD-SL pedals. Wonders never cease. So come this spring folks, look out! He'll be cruising so fast you won't even see him...wait, now I'll never catch him...hmmm...should have thought about this longer...
But really, I'm super excited for him, because he did 2 races this summer and he simply couldn't keep up with the head pack, not because he's so slow, but his bike ran out of gears. So my hope is that now he'll be able to see his true potential in speed. Because really, he's super fast!
We never did make it to Barnes and Noble, which was my goal for the evening, but that's okay, we had a great dinner and I was able to make my husband excited. It was a good night. Except now it seems that our idea of relaxing is still revolving around bikes and skis. Oh well, at least we're spending our time together!