Sunday, June 26, 2011

What to say...

I've been struggling all week with wanting to post something, but not having the words. Believe it or not, I don't or can't share everything in my life. Now is such a time.

So I'll say as much as I can while being as transparent as I can.
The End.

Just kidding. But really, please just trust me and if anything, just pray.

Because we need your prayers. I can't even begin to find words. I don't know what to say.

So on to what I do know:
God is sovereign
I am soooo very thankful for our anniversary weekend. God was melting our hearts together again in preperation for a need to love beyond all imagination.
My husband is the biggest blessing in my life after salvation. God knew I needed him. There really aren't the words to describe to you how amazing he is. I love you Andrew.
My son is such a source of joy. Levi Nathaniel, not a day goes by that you don't make me belly laugh. You also 'cause me to hit my knees and pray for wisdom beyond this world. Thank you for your "MWA" kisses and your love and your laughter. I love you.
Precious friends who will drop everything for you are priceless. I have been blessed with an abundance of them. Julie, Katie, Pati, Lynette, Jo, Christi, Val, and others, my life would be so empty without you. Thank you for loving on us.
Good music with amazing words are gifts from God. This song I shared a few weeks back was so timely put into my life. God knew I needed the words to get me through literally the longest night of my life. Here it is below for your enjoyment again.

I'm sorry I can't be more clear, I just can't right now. Just know that we appreciate your prayers, that we're okay :), and that God really does know our hearts. Thanks.

Friday, June 17, 2011

A Wife Again...

A week ago today was June 10th, 2011. I was married 5 years ago on that date. It's a little surreal really. That's half a decade.

After being a mother for 18 months, I think I had forgotten how to be a good wife. Or just stopped doing it. So we escaped for the weekend. An amazing friend took Levi for the "weekend" and we had over 48 hours to ourselves. It was fantastic. I actually don't have the words. Really. Well, I'll try.

We just moved slow and enjoyed each other's company. I laughed at his jokes again. He appreciated my sense of irony. We even cuddled. :) We did some kayaking, giving our kayak it's maiden voyage (to us). We enjoyed some amazing BBQ at our favorite little out of the way place, but worthy of the awards it has won. We relaxed, did some good walking, and saw some areas of the state. Basically, we just enjoyed each other without any demands on our time. We were husband and wife again, not Momma & Daddy.

And I had a much needed reminder. Yes, of how I need to work harder at our marriage and put Andrew first and be kind and all that. All very important, but the big thing, is way better. I remembered how much I like my husband. Not just love because I have to, but genuinely enjoy him and think he's pretty neat. And that reminds me how much I am IN LOVE with him.

A little sappy I know, and obvious, but oh how I enjoyed being reminded of it. When I get caught up on some sleep here I'll add some photos of the adventures. For now, I'm off to bed with my husband who's even more handsome, funny, and FUN than he was 5 years ago. Another thought, it's probably BECAUSE of the 5 years that I love him more. He's my best friend, and we've walked through the fire together. And I love him even more because of it.

God is good, and my husband, well, he's the most gracious and loving man I've ever met. I love you Andrew! Here's to 60+ more years laughing together!

Thursday, June 09, 2011

Mercies in Disguise...and Apology

If any of you are still reading my blog, thank you. :) I have some more of my heart to bare with you, so thank you for sticking it out. It's been a long road. You've read as I've walked through the valley, and at times, am still. You've listened to my grief and my pain. My joy, my reflections, and my simple stories about my little boy. Those may be my favorite. I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately, and I've come to realize some things.

I went through some normal grief and some not so normal anger and despair. Maybe it is normal. What I do know though, is it wasn't right. Grief is right, God tells us to grieve. But my long anger and longing were not. I will say this, God can handle my anger and sadness. I've talked about all this before, so I'll skip to the point.

3 days from now would be my due date. In reality, if this baby had lived, we'd probably already have delivered, a long time ago. I've spent time in the last 8 months going "I'd be this far along" "I'd be feeling the baby" "I'd be in maternity clothes" etc...
This was not right. By my longing for what I didn't have, and what wasn't to be, I was effectively telling God "YOU SCREWED UP!" And He didn't. That baby was not God's perfect plan for us. No matter what, the miscarriage and loss of our child was God's perfect plan. I was not willing to submit to that, even months later. I wanted to believe it, I wanted to say it, but by my longings I was denying it's truth. And so, my pride in myself that what I wanted was best was sin.

So I ask for your forgiveness, those of you who have walked with me and read about it all. Or even just you who are joinging now. I was wrong. Never ever mistake that I think grief is sin. I don't. Grief is needed. But my pride in what I wanted and refusal to see God as working out His perfect plan was sin. I now repent and ask your forgiveness if I have at all portrayed God as less than who He is. Please forgive me for my lack of trust and faith.

I still struggle. But I pray I will continue to humble myself and proclaim that God has the perfect plan. That He is perfect and has never given me more than He can help me handle. There are many hard days to come. I will fall and stumble over and over I'm sure. There are still days I cry over our loss. Or fear worse for our family. But God is faithful. And maybe, almost definitely, these are His mercies in disguise.

Monday, June 06, 2011

The Second Time Around...

We own a dog. His name is Dexter. He's got lots of energy. :) He's also really spoiled. He needs some serious training. He's a super smart dog and at times we feel as though we're doing him a disservice because he could be such a well-behaved, smart, and enjoyable dog. We do enjoy him, he's just a handful. And we were just lazy about training and making him obey. There's still hope, but for now, he is the dog he is.

Which lately has me thinking about my son. We can't afford to make the same mistakes twice. The dog was just so cute and funny that we often let him get away with stuff. My son is cute and funny, but we try really hard to not let him get away with anything. Because it's not worth it. It may be easier right now to let him do what he wants and not discipline for wrong attitudes and actions, but in truth, if we did that, we would not only be hurting ourselves, but harming him for life. You see, Levi doesn't need to be spoiled. Because we all know those adults who act as if their lives are the most important, and if something comes along to disrupt them, well you better watch out for their tongue at least, if not sharp actions as well. And no, it's not all their parents fault, but come on, teaching your child to trust you and obey you is only for their benefit.

Which makes me think of my own application. We've been trying to explain to Levi about patience. My simple words the other day? "Levi, we need to be patient. That's when we wait without whining." And it hit me. That's me. I do that. I try and try to tell God "okay, whatever your plan is. Whatever you're doing, that's fine. You are good." And then I whine. "But God, I'm really having a hard time here. Don't you see this? Don't you care?" I try to pretend I'm being patient but really, I'm just saying so while I wait to whine.

So as I try to teach my son to be patient and to trust his parents, I need to remember to do the same. To have true patience, and to trust my Daddy. He really is good.