Thursday, May 19, 2011

I Know Him, and I Call Him Daddy

The God of Isaiah 40. I know Him.

The God of verse 1 who is a God of comfort. I know Him.
The God of verses 4-6 who deserves all the glory. I know Him.
The God of verse 8 who's words last forever, I know Him.
The God of might in verse 10, I know Him.
The God who gently leads me as a mother in verse 11. I know Him well.
The God of incomprehensible greatness and understanding and strength in verses 12-26, I want to know Him more.

The God of verses 27-31? He is the God who has brought me to this point in my life. He is the God I clung to in the NICU watching my son's every heartbeat on a monitor. He is the God who gave me strength when I had none. Who heard my every heart's groaning when I couldn't even find words to pray. He is the God who loves me, died for me, and knows my heart. The God who wants me to wait, and will give me strength in the waiting, when I have none of my own. I know Him, and I call Him Daddy.

Don't base your view of God as a Daddy on your earthly father. Rather, base your view of your earthly father on God, the perfect Father. The self-proclaimed Daddy (Matthew 6:9, The Lord's Prayer shouldn't be translated Father, but Abba, which means Daddy)who knows my every hurt and loves me perfectly.

I know this God, but not well enough. But I can call Him Daddy. And He hears me.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

While I'm Waiting

I'm not an incredibly patient person by nature. If you know my husband, you will see the irony in this. God gave me to a man who is very rarely in a hurry, who doesn't move real fast, is laid back, and is well, patient. But in being married to him, I've been forced to learn patience. Well, I've been forced to see I need to learn patience. I'm still not very patient.

I was always the kid that played pretend and imagined. I read books after books. I dreamed of "someday" and "somewhere". Good for learning, not so good for my childhood. I wanted to grow up more than anything. I wished aways some days I'd like to have back. I feel as though my childhood sped by so fast. And even as I watch my son grow so quickly, I still feel as though God has grabbed me, made me sit down, and enjoy and grow and learn.

Exactly one month from today, the 10th, Andrew & I will have been married for 5 years. That's crazy, it's gone so quickly, but yet, it's been sooooo long and somewhat slow. I don't know why our lives have looked the way they have these last 5 years, but I do know this. God has used this time to get my attention. While I'm forced to be patient and see, I have tasted that the Lord is good. (Psalm 34:8) Not because He's given me everything. Not because it's been perfect. Not because it's been bad either. But because He's made me wait and see.

So while we wait, I will let go of fear, and I will worship and serve in obedience.

Monday, May 02, 2011

Where's Your Faith?

I'm going to share some deep parts of my heart, so please handle with care. It's necessary, after yesterday's sermon.

Last summer, (think 80 degrees, sunshine, bike rides) Andrew and I were discussing when to add to our family. Keep in mind that Levi was a miracle baby, from conception 'til, well, now. I took a test on a Wednesday morning. Imagine my shock when not one, but two lines appeared. I yelled at Andrew to come look, and we laughed. God had shown Himself as a God of miracles. Well, that was my claim, which He is, but well, you'll see.

Fast forward a few weeks, we finally shared the news with our families and close friends, right before I had my first check-up. We bought Levi the cutest shirt that said "I may be little but I'm the big brother" We went to that first check-up. We saw a little peanut and a heartbeat. We took our ultrasound picture home and starting sharing the news. The shirt helped a lot. :) It was fun. I was worried, I knew the risks, the extra risks we faced, I knew. But I hoped and prayed. After all, this was God's miracle right?

Problems started exactly 2 weeks later. After a day and a hard evening I ended up talking to my dr. She scheduled to see me right away after she got out of surgeries the next day. I couldn't find a baby-sitter so Andrew came home to be with Levi. I went in. No heartbeat. Our baby had been gone over a week. I didn't cry in the office. She talked, I listened. She was amazingly compassionate. I just came home numbly. Told Andrew, and then I lost it. We told our parents, I posted this blog post.

I'm not attempting to relive this pain, although I guess I am. Here's where I'm going. God had performed a miracle, I had gotten pregnant by His power alone. There was no other explanation. So if I had clung to this miracle of conception, why didn't He prove Himself in allowing this child to be born? My immediate reaction was right, God was still God, not in spite of this, but even because of it. But as time went on, I experienced such a struggle to find the joy.

Fast-forward again to yesterday. God convicted my heart in a sermon from John 4:46-54 A father simply wants his son healed. He hears about and visits Jesus. He literally commands the Creator of the universe to heal his son after Jesus addresses the crowd and tells them, unless you see signs and wonders you won't believe. Focus Jesus! He seems to be saying. Jesus speaks, and says your son is healed. And he was.
Now here's the rub.

Do I believe in miracles or the God who performs them at times?

You know, if you've been reading, that life is hard right now. I think some of it in my heart is for this reason. I tend to demand God to provide. He will give Andrew a better paying job, He will give us more children. But here's the thing. God is still God even if He doesn't. I've been waiting for God to overwhelm us with the way He will work. That He will miraculously provide, we will have quadruplets or something, and then we'll say "Blessed be the name of the Lord" But He actually doesn't always work that way. Job didn't say "Blessed be the name of the Lord" at the end of the book, he said it as he was sitting in sackcloth and ashes and mourning his lost children and life. He didn't bless God only after he had all restored to him and got some answers. He did it in the sorrow. I assumed if I blessed God in my sorrow He would deliver on these other things. He may, He may not. What matters is where is my faith? In the miracle? Or the one who may do them?

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
I'm not promised to see the evidence of my faith here on this earth. We may never have more children. We may struggle financially our whole lives. Or we may have more children and we may struggle a little less. Either way:

"The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD."
Job 1:21