tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-77846222024-03-07T16:02:43.432-06:00Bits and PiecesHere are the musings of the bits and pieces that make up my life. Not a complete picture, but random things that make it unique. My prayer is that you will be blessed by the snipits of life that God has granted me.Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04244168219810648256noreply@blogger.comBlogger308125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7784622.post-43641489421605795542013-09-06T14:26:00.001-05:002013-09-06T14:40:06.634-05:00What is UnseenIt's been a while. :) But lately I've had so many thoughts and lessons running through my head and life that I know must be written down. Not out of obligation or duty or the need for responses (although I love those!) but out of a deep need to not forget what God is doing in my life. And always, I think and process better when I write it down.
I wrote a great post the other day, a serious one, about seeing God in the suffering and sharing a new Shane & Shane song I discovered and many other deep things. It contains this paragraph, which is where I pulled the title for this post from:<br />
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"Romans 8 says this:
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'24 For we were saved in this hope, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what he sees? 25 But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance.'
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Look to what is unseen. WAIT for it. With perseverance." <br />
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I've been struggling daily, sometimes hourly lately with a situation in my life and heart. I'm struggling with the feeling/thoughts/conviction about some choices I'm making or have made that maybe others don't agree with. This is vague but I prefer not to share details. Basically though, it comes down to what I believe most mothers/people with struggle with at least once in our lives. For me, probably yearly. What is my role? You read Proverbs 31 and you read of this amazing woman who cares for her family and brings income into her home. You read blogs about utilizing your time as a stay-at-home Mom and helping your family out with the finances while caring for your family. You have friends who's every post on Facebook is evidence of their success in this area, about the money they are bringing in or the lives changed or the success won.
And me, I feel like I'm not doing enough. I'm an incredibly competitive person by nature, and so especially when I feel like someone is doing something I should do, or do better, I get a nasty ugly feeling in the pit of my stomach. And I have a very hard time saying that it's the Holy Spirit. :) <br />
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The rub is that I would LOVE to write a book, or update my blog daily, be "famous" in the blogosphere, be wildly successful in an at home business that allows my family to run off to foreign countries and have lots of fun toys. I'd love to decorate a house to my exact tastes no matter the cost, to hire someone to sew designer clothes for my family (because I have given up on being a great seamstress at this point in my imagination), to be known for cooking amazing dinners, etc... And while I think some of these things are so good and so attainable, I'm also desiring relief from the pressure I put on myself.
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Romans 8 grates on these desires. Because they are MY desires, born from my sinful selfish flesh. That does NOT mean that for everyone these things are wrong, but the simple act of taking a photo of my children on my phone and immediately posting it to Facebook has convicted my soul. Why do I do this? Is it to share in the joy that I believe is my children? Or is it more often than not to brag on some accomplishment they are doing? Or to make others feel like I'm such a good parent because I took them such and such a place and did something fun with them? Is it to gain recognition as a Mom who's with her children? To be the fun or smart Mom? To share that my child must be super smart or super athletic or super nice? What's my motivation?
I "don't" care about your motivation, that's up to you and God and your husband too. :) But I'm so devastated by my own prideful and competitive heart. When I give in to the pride that says "I will show the world I'm supermom" <br />
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And then Romans 8 "why does one still hope in what is seen?". I often feel so inadequate as a person that I look for my validation in what is seen, in portraying to the world that I'm supermom, that I'm doing what I should, that I'm worthy I guess.
"But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance."
Oh how that rings hope to my soul, along with conviction. We EAGERLY wait for what is unseen with perseverance. What is unseen in my life? Right now, this baby boy growing inside of me. (Well we get to see him on ultrasound, for which I'm thankful, but overall, he's hidden away in my womb) What is unseen? My children's future. The unseen in their lives that I can hope for and persevere for is that they will be called by God and saved and glorify Him in everything they do for all of eternity. This is the biggie. And how do I hope and persevere for that? By this moment, and the next. By desperately praying and trying and striving to be a Momma who points them to Jesus. And God gives small moments of hope. Like when Levi was asked at an assessment this week to draw what I would say was a plus sign. He did (!) and then said "It's a cross, like where Jesus died". And did I pray that was a testimony to the other person? Of course, but my Momma's heart sung because it was a small glimmer of hope that Levi was understanding what God has done. Do I share that now for praise and a good job Momma? No, because in my failures I know it's only by God's immense grace that my child could understand anything about His love and precious gift. <br />
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So how does this all tie together? Let me share my week's/month's events with you for application. I've been struggling, like I said. I LOVE what I do, I love being a wife and mother, but lately, it's overwhelmed me. Yes, I know some of that is from being pregnant and hormones and physically dealing with it all. And when I say overwhelmed, I don't mean in a "I can't cope!" kind of way. I mean overwhelmed in a "Lord is this all worth it? How am I making a difference? Am I really doing what I should?" Kind of insightful way. Insightful, ha! ;) Last weekend my husband went on a camping trip with some guy friends. I had finally had a successful week budgeting our groceries and had already gone shopping before I realized he'd need to provide at least one meal for all of them. So not out of resourcefulness, but out of sheer "I WILL NOT GO BACK TO THE STORE!" craziness I made cinnamon rolls and cookies for them to take. And they were good! (Yes, they ate more than that, but that was the staple I was lacking in his meal.) Guess what? No big pat on the bag or even eaten by all the guys. Pride, demolished. In the same weekend, I was blessed to take my kiddos up to one of the guy's wife's family's cabin for a day on the lake and not alone with my kiddos. It was so fun, and I was just relieved to not be alone with them. Seriously. I was so tired and so desperate for Daddy's help I was just glad to be able to go somewhere. Now, let me say my husband definitely deserved a weekend away, so he's all in the clear here. But my biggest lesson? No pride needed. There is NO way I could have cared for my children in that setting alone. At least not without going crazy. I was overwhelmed by the love shown to myself and my children. I got to try Stand-Up Paddleboarding because others swam and played in the water with my children. I got to eat lunch because others played with and chased them. I got to sit and just visit with friends because another dear couple played puppies and other random kiddo things with my 2 munchkins. Not out of duty or obligation, but out of hearts of love and kindness. I saw Jesus in my friends and their family. Could I have cared for the basic needs of my children alone? Yes, by God's grace. But would my babes have had as much fun or been as loved if I had? Not by a long shot. <br />
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See, God knew what He was doing when He designed the body of Christ. He knew we needed each other. And after the weekend, Tuesday morning I woke up knowing I was getting a cold. My pride tried to fight it, and say it'll only last a day or two and I'll be fine. So I worked hard on Tuesday on some projects I wanted to get done. I felt like crud by the end of the day and leftovers for supper it was. Wednesday I knew we had our big anatomy scan for the baby in the afternoon so I worked hard all morning/afternoon on cleaning my house and supper in the crockpot and getting lots done. When we got home and thanked the dear friend who watched our kiddos and ate supper, I knew I'd overdone it. But I wanted a totally clean house for the first time in weeks and for my husband's admiration. I went to bed that night sicker but looking at my house like "finally". And let's be clear here, there are windows that needed washing and dusting to be done, but overall, toys were picked up and floors cleaned and the bathroom sanitary and all the dirty laundry fit in the hampers and all the clean laundry was put away. Now, 36 hours later, guess what? There are toys on the floor, toothpaste in the sink, laundry to be folded, dishes to be washed and crumbs on the floor. Does it matter? No, because we live here, but my temporary pleasure in what is seen was so quickly undone. Now, no harm in being thankful for a clean house or HAVING a clean house. It's a good thing. But I was feeling way too proud of myself for getting it done while sick. And since then? No denying, I probably prolonged my sickness. Today, I'm down for the count. I still fed my children and ran an errand and played with them, but ugh how cruddy I feel. No supermom awards today. Except this, I am a mom, and God has given me the day with my family.
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All these examples to say this. We need each other. I need my husband to pick up pizza for supper and take the kiddos on a walk when I'm done in. I need friends who don't expect me to do it all and who love to play with my kids. I need older women who enjoying giving me a break or going to an appointment by watching my children. I need a friend who drives her daughter to baby-sit to save me buckling in my kiddos twice. We NEED each other. God never expects us to do this life alone. The gift of salvation should teach us this. It's not by MY works of righteousness, but in HIS mercy He saved me.
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So what does this mean? It means that my guilt/frustration/heaviness that I place on myself for wondering if others think I could be doing this pregnancy thing better is SO wrong. Do I care if you think I look fat or pregnant? Yes, unfortunately. But here's what I do know to be truth. I was able to run and bike far longer into this pregnancy than any previous. My pants may not fit still, but my son is kicking me. I may not be an excellent example of helping my family out financially by bringing in lots of extra income, but God has given my husband a new job that pays more and still allows me to do things that save us money. Even now as I write these things, I sound justifiable. <br />
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So let's backtrack. I am writing this before you today to say, relax. Open the Scripture. Talk to your spouse. Get your requirements and expectations from God and your spouse alone. Not Pinterest, not your friends lives, not Facebook pressure, not your own warped idea of what you should be doing, not your own prideful ambitions, none of the "seen" things.
Does your husband want to take trips to exotic places, or does he simply want supper at home every night? Does he want ironed clothes, or simply a made bed everyday? Does he want you to spend your time earning money from home (possibly while using the TV as a baby-sitter, because I'm not sure how else you do it?!), or does he want you to shop less and be home more?
What does God say is important in your children's lives? To know all their letters by the time they are 2 or to be able to know He wants their entire lives to be about Him? <br />
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Am I saying you can't do both sides? Nope, not at all. That's why I'm saying it's between you and God and your spouse. Because obviously here's my confession. I'm a horrible example of getting it right. And that's why I'm broken, needing more grace than ever before.
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Because I can't go for a run, I can't make an incredibly healthy meal my children will eat for every meal, I CAN'T do it all. Can I do some of it some of the time? Absolutely. But my heart needs changing. And if that means that in the in between time we have pancakes for supper and candy for a snack, will my children die? No. I don't think we have to choose between health and spiritual or health and character building. But I AM A HUMAN. And here's the truth from Scripture. I'm dying. No matter what I do someday my body will fail and I will stand before my creator and answer for my life. Do I believe I'm covered by God's grace? Yes. Should I strive everyday to become more like Christ and therefore more of a set-apart person? Yes! Will it all be perfect tomorrow? Nope. Not even close.
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I look into my heart and I see serious character flaws that are affecting my family far more than what I serve for supper does. I see anger and short-temperedness that needs addressing. Because I may feed their bodies healthy food, but if I'm crabby during supper that will have a far greater impact on eternity. I want my children to see a Momma who adores and loves their Daddy and shows him appreciation far more than they see a Momma who wants Daddy to "get it right" (ahem, her way) so that life looks perfect.
<br /><br />So I'm praying and desperately begging God today for that perseverance. To look to what is not seen. To realize even greater how my children are eternal beings who need God's grace and they will learn that from us. To love them for who God made them, not for what they do or don't do. To sit down on the dirty kitchen floor for hugs instead of saying "go play, Momma's busy". And yes, to do my dishes and teach them to help. Because LIFE does need to happen. They do need to go play. But while knowing if they need me, I'm here for them, not just a clean house.
<br /><br />This doesn't wrap up in a tidy neat applicable bow for everyone, because it's my life. Your conviction today may be that you need to clean more, that you NEED to make more money, that you need to ____. Because you're you. You're not me. We're not the same because we both see Pinterest or Facebook or Twitter. God made us dependent. So please, hold me accountable, help to say "wow, please help me do what you're doing" "thank you for helping me!" All of the above. Because that doesn't show our failures. It shows our desire to grow more into what God designed. We're not in this alone. So I for one need to stop pretending I can do it alone. So here's my weakness, out for you to see. I'm a Momma of 2 little and growing another life inside me. I'm tired, I'm not perfect, I'm not incredibly strong. I'm me. I'm the one God gave to them, and by His grace I'll be more of who He needs me to be for them everyday. Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04244168219810648256noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7784622.post-79881087124395487152013-05-08T10:17:00.002-05:002013-05-08T10:32:52.668-05:00Redeemed for a FutureAs I shared last month, redemption has been on my heart so much lately. <br />
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There is a family who has been attending our church who are such a perfect picture to me of redemption. They have both been saved within the past few years and months, and they are divorced, but they are now getting remarried this month. They have lots of struggles ahead, but as they were both baptized this Sunday, I couldn't help but be overwhelmed by God's redemption. <br />
He takes what we've made a mess of and puts the pieces back together. He redeems not only hearts and souls, but lives and choices. <br />
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And I'm so thankful. Because my family would be a disaster without God's redemption. Even today He redeems us. It's never too late until death. There is always hope with Christ. <br />
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This applies to so many aspects of my life. <br />
My time can be redeemed. When I've wasted it, God can redeem it with His blessings. <br />
My mind can be redeemed. When I've dwelt on things I shouldn't, on the negative, the destructive, I can turn to Him and He can renew it. <br />
My soul HAS been redeemed. The work He did on the cross and the forgivenss I asked for has been given. <br />
My days can be redeemed. A bad day parenting or as a wife doesn't mean the next has to be a struggle. It might be, but God can redeem my attitude too. ;) <br />
My marriage can and has been redeemed, many times. It's an ongoing lesson and experience, to blend to selfish sinners into one union before God. It's a lifelong process, and one that we just keep working on. <br />
My health can be redeemed. I honestly believe we've been fed so many lives about what is "good for us" as a culture and society, and the 27 years I spent in ignorance or partial ignorance can be redeemed. My children's health has a better start because of it. <br />
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This is something to think about. We were discussing a generational view of our faith in church (sort of Sunday School) on Sunday, and the lesson was on Grandparents and the impact they can have and should have and used to have. And the concept was also taught that if you don't have that, a Godly heritage, and that if you're kids themselves won't have Christian or even active Grandparents, then you can be the first generation. Make a goal NOW to be that for your grandkids someday. Adopt surrogate Grandparents for your children. The message was HOPE. Life isn't going to be perfect or ideal, but make the changes to help the future generations. <br />
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This resonates with me. My life may be too short to make every change and blessing that I want, but I can make an impact on the future generations. Any change or blessing I can pour out on my children will only bless them. I don't have to "get it right" everyday to not screw up my children. God redeems. He blesses. There is hope. <br />
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So yes, there are still boxes of mac&cheese in my cupboard for "emergencies". There are still days when Mommy & Daddy are struggling and not being great examples of a loving marriage. But there are days, when the joy and love and healthy eating overflow with abundance, and I know God is at work, redeeming what sin and evil would love to destroy. <br />
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So as I said, it's never too late. Make small changes. Say something nice to encourage your spouse with no motive other than to love and bless. Speak encouragement into your children, not just critical words. Make dinner, even from a box, instead of going out to eat. Offer strawberries instead of fruit snacks at snack time. Go walk, go to a swim class, whatever, instead of saying it's too hard. Call your friend, instead of expecting them to call you. Reach out. Pick up your Bible if you feel God is distant. Just start, God is still there, waiting. <br />
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Because that's what He does, because He loves us and is all about His glory. He redeems so we can better glorify Him and paint a picture to the world of that redemption. I'm so glad there is hope. <br /><br /><br />Sort of a Sidenote: <br />My baby girl turns 1 next week. This song was the "anthem" if you will of my pregnancy with her, and therefore a song I've claimed over her life. And it's so fitting for this discussion. He IS Mighty To Save. <br />
<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/pYqogpLpC5Q" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04244168219810648256noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7784622.post-51454980016112262742013-04-19T09:43:00.001-05:002013-04-19T09:43:22.379-05:00Now We See DimlyI've been thinking a lot about this blog in the past month or so. It's obviously not been full of writing this past year, and I've been wondering what to do, to remedy that, or chalk it up to "all done" as my kids would say. <br />
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But as I think back to where I was a year ago, anxiously awaiting the arrival of our precious miracle Emelia Grace, and the fact that it was practically summer already, and here this year we've been "blessed" with at least 9 inches of fresh snow in the past 24 hours, I realize it's time to write. Even if I do use run-on sentences. <br />
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Because here's the deal, I am NOT the same person I was a year ago. So much has changed, and not just with the arrival of baby #2. (I choose to call her #2, even though we have 3 in Heaven. It makes it so much easier for those who can only see the 2 that we feed and love everyday.) <br />
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Right now, I have a 3 year-old little boy watching the city department clean up all the snow outside our window on the street, and an 11 month-old big girl pushing down balls in her toy over and over again. And laughing. And my heart is full. I woke up with a discontented spirit today, a tad discouraged about a few things in my life. But as I thought about writing, I realized how many blessings I wanted to write about. And I can't help but feel oddly peaceful. So I better write fast or you know the chaos of life will snatch that away. ;) It's all going to sort of spill out versus and organized fashion, because well, it's life, and it's never neat and pretty all the time. <br />
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I wrote you about Andrew's station closing and all the chaos in our marriage and life. Well, currently he has a "new" temporary full-time job. It's just north of town about 10 miles and he loves it. I am SO proud of him for getting it, he had to work hard and make some sacrifices, but he got it, and it's such a great fit for him and our family. We're praying and we'd ask you to pray that it would become permanent. <br />
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After I wrote in December, that was really the beginning of our lives changing immensely. In January I started some new whole-food natural supplements. And boy, has my life changed. This blog isn't dedicated to selling you on them, but rather to share how they've impacted my life, and I can't share about my life without sharing about them, because I want this great life for everyone. <br />
This was a very risky step for me, money was short, but I was desperate. I trusted my friend that shared them with me, so I went for it. A 30-day money back guarantee helped too. :) <br />
My life is forever changed. It wasn't just that I lost weight, I did, it was that I finally found healthy nutrition in my life. Literally by the 5th day on the products I was craving vegetables and choosing to cook with them, for me, not just my husband! If you know me, you know this is huge. I won't defend myself too much and say "It was a gag reflex, I wanted to eat them!" Or "I am a people pleaser, my entire childhood is marked by feelings of rejection because I didn't eat what my extended family thought I should." Trust me, I wanted too. <br />
The important thing is what I'm learning, so that will be part of the journey and sharing. I'm learning how nutrition is key to our health and weight. Our culture pushes exercise as the perfect solution to our obesity problem, but research shows it just isn't true. We SHOULD exercise and be active and strong, but our core needs are good nutrition. And frankly, I don't care how organic or healthy you eat, our food does NOT have the nutrition it needs to give us what we need. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, needs supplements. "But I grow and raise all my own food!" you say. Great! Good for you! And I mean that, but ever consider how depleted our soil is? I have a friend who's husband's company is working on helping farmers replenish their soils, but oh it's a long process in our world. <br />
So to get personal, what changes have I seen in my family? I have a baby girl who's diaper rash is no more after we tried EVERYTHING to help her. These whole food/vitamins/minerals/probiotics have helped her so much. I have a son who's digestive system is SO much more healthy than it's ever been. It's been a huge struggle eating and bathroom wise and it's finally becoming much less stressful in our lives. I have a husband who's putting on a few pounds. Which is really good news after his battles and weight loss with the stomach flu this winter. <br />
And me? HUGE life-changing differences. Not only have I lost weight, had huge balance in my emotions/moods/seratonin levels, gained muscle, and gained tons of more energy, but my life is finally healthy. I am choosing to make MUCH better food and meal choices for my family. Sugary snacks aren't our go to. Chips are healthier options and less often. Do we still eat pizza and other less-healthy options? Of course! We live in our world after all. But that's the awesomeness. These supplements allow me to live a real life, but by being healthy in it. I could go on and on, but I'll just say my life has been changed, our health is better, and I am so thankful. If you want more info, just contact me, and I'll be sharing more in the future. I'd love to help you make life-changes that really are for life, not a week or month. <br />
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These products have also given me the chance to have my own business. Without all the hoops and pressures of other direct-sales companies. I just returned from Orlando from an amazing conference, and what I was thinking about the whole time I was there was about my family and about sharing with you. Because I was overwhelmed by the power of balance, and of goals and dreams. It overwhelms me at times, this desire to help my family. Because that's why I'm doing it. For my family. I honestly struggled last month with knowing how to balance business and family. Because I didn't want to take away from my family, with the pretense of helping my family. And I was honestly so torn about how and what to do. But this one quote keeps reliving in my brain. <br />
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"Don't give up what you most want in life for something you think you want now." Richard G. Scott<br />
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When I made it home Sunday night Andrew and I had a big conversation. About life, our marriage, our family, and our goals. And we both agreed, we have some goals to achieve. And here's the thing, we believe. We believe that sometimes life has to be out of balance before it can be balanced. That there will be sacrifices. There will be days when our kids come before our marriage, when our marriage comes before our kids, when business/work comes first, when simply putting dinner on the table will be the goal. But the goal overall is balance, and raising our family to know Christ, and to help others a long the way. As you can see, the goals are relative and ever-changing too. :) <br />
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The opposite of Faith is Fear. So which side of the fence will I live on? With fear? Or with Faith? <br />
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Because I am a Christian, a disciple of Christ, my life needs to always come back to the spiritual. So how does this all connect? How does my daily struggle to build a business, be a great wife, continually be growing our marriage, be a good mom who points her children to Christ, who builds children who know it's all about God's glory, to be a great friend, to run a balanced and healthy home, to be, well everything, how does this all come down spiritually? <br />
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I'm doing a study once a week on the basics of the Gospel. And it's not boring, it's not old, it's not the same old same old. Because the Gospel is never-ending. My biggest challenge so far from the study? Redemption. What areas of my life have I not yet let be redeemed? Where am I not letting the Gospel be applied? <br />
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My challenge? This quote: <br />
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"God isn't interested in making us 'spiritual' if by spiritual we mean detached: Jesus was God stuck in. God isn't interested in making us self-absorbed. Jesus was self-giving personified. God isn't interesed in serenity: Jesus was passionate for God, angry at sin, wept for the city. The word 'holy' means set apart from or different from, our sinful ways. It doesn't mean being set-apart from the world, but being consecrated to God in the world. He was God's glory IN and FOR the world." <br />
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We are to reflect God's image to the world, and with sin that mirror image is broken. But now it's as if that mirror is being healed and is slowly reflecting an accurage image again. <br />
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So here it is: <br />
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"This process - us becoming more like Jesus so we reflect more accurately what God is like - is the number one thing God is ALWAYS up to in our lives." <br />
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"A disciple is someone who is learnign to apply the gospel to absolutely every part of life. Discipleship is all about letting God bring about change in our lives from the inside out so we look more like Jesus." <br />
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There you have it. That's who I am. A broken mirror that wants to be healed and accurately reflect Christ. A Disciple that is letting God bring about change from the inside out. <br />
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And guess what? That isn't just about my soul. Our bodies are truely body, soul/spirit, and mind. <br />
My soul has been redeemed, but our world is cursed, death abounds. God wants to redeem my mind and body too. <br />
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So when I lose weight and heal my physical body from the inside and get healthier? God is being glorified. <br />
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When I work daily and being a better wife and mother and loving others? God is being glorified. <br />
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When I spend time in Scripture everyday studying and soaking up God's promises and being convicted of sin? God is being glorified. <br />
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The mirror is being healed. Won't you join me on the journey? <br />
Oh there will be days of failure, days that the image is distorted. I am a sinful creature. But my goal, is to be redeemed in ALL areas of my life. <br />
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There's a lot of change to happen, but for the first time of my life, it doesn't overwhelm me. I am learning to set goals, big and small. To do today what will help me get attain my goals tomorrow. To do today what will make me like Christ. And to never again seperate my life. Because it's all interwoven. God's plan for our lives body, soul, and mind is so amazing. He wants to REDEEM all of our life. <br />
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Join me as I strive to let him. And as I share about the struggles of doing it. The days when the 3-year-old is driving me nuts and we have boxed mac & cheese for supper. And the days when it's calm and productive and everything is from scratch. Because both days are life. And God's redemption should be reflected in both of them. <br />
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Keeping it REAL. <br />
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And real was the panic when I thought I lost this entire post and about slammed my computer shut in tears. Praise God He redeemed this post! :) Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04244168219810648256noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7784622.post-54070245278722256192012-12-08T23:55:00.000-06:002012-12-08T23:55:33.190-06:00ReturnI haven't posted in months. I know. Because it wasn't important anymore. Since Emelia joined our lives, well, they have changed drastically. Not because of her, but in spite of her really. I don't have the energy for a long, long post tonight, but finally, I must write, no matter how long it takes. <br />
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This has been the hardest 6 months of my life. Adjusting to Emelia was fine, good, great even. She was a dream baby. Full-term, slept through the night by 6 weeks, smiling, very content, so happy. She was just wonderful. (Still is actually.) But about the time she was 6 weeks old, our lives were flipped upside down, and they just kept flipping. Andrew learned on June 26th that the station he worked for was closing. Like that day. Talk about no warning. He was offered 2 more months of work (with a bonus as incentive to stay those 2 months) as well as severance, insurance, and more for quite a while. And while we were thankful he had those two months when others only had the 1 day, we suddenly knew life WAS going to change. We had no choice in the matter. <br />
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Then, the end of July, just after my birthday, we were going camping for the weekend with Andrew's sister and her husband, and we were running late, as usual when we're going someplace for a few days, and I had to run to the grocery store for syrup because I had spaced that out before. I pulled onto the street, 4 lanes, 5 really, 2 going both ways with a turn lane in between. I moved into the middle lane and realized the car in the other lane had stopped for someone in the crosswalk, so I stopped too. And looked in my rearview mirror, just in time to see a car switch lanes and be behind me, and they weren't stopping. I was rear-ended. The jolt of the impact sent me forward way past the intersection. Thankfully the pedestrians were not in front of my car. Praise God. But I freaked. I pulled into a parking lot and desperately tried to find my phone as I got out of the car crying. Because Emelia was in the back seat. I was so scared. She was crying, because she was scared I assume, but she was fine. I was fine. There was a cop driving by that the other driver (a very elderly WWII vet) flagged down. I got ahold of Andrew and he came with Levi. Praise God Levi wasn't with me. He would have freaked too I'm sure. <br />
Long story short? Our car was totaled, we spent several weeks with a tiny rental, trying desperately to find a new vehicle we could afford while dealing with the insurance and estimates and checks and new carseats and ugh. It was a nightmare to me. It could have been HUGELY worse. The other party's insurance covered everything, including x-rays and carseat and a new/used van, even giving us more than we had originally paid for our car. But it was stressful, and physically painful. And in the process our house was being reroofed by volunteers from the church. Off and on for weeks, almost months. My kids were being woken from naps by pounding and shaking. Men were outside my windows every day. <br />
Oh, and Emelia started teething at 3 months old. By her 3month birthday she had 2 bottom teeth. CRAZY. She was so good, but fairly fussy and we didn't know why. <br />
And then, Levi got sick. I mean like puking sick. Off and on so randomly. Then he was better. But it was by then the end of August and Andrew was done working. And he didn't have a new job. Now, he was getting severance, but we were both stressed. So we decided to go camping. Family time you know? Except Levi kept puking, and pooping, and feeling generally horrible. The day at the campsite was NOT fun. We finally packed up after one day and night and drove home at 10pm. Not good. Dr.'s visits and ER visits and he'd be fine for a week and then randomly puke again. It was awful. No answers other than a bad bug that just wasn't working it's way out fast enough. No tests showed anything wrong. <br />
By this time it's September, and I was losing it. I mean really losing it. Like can hardly make dinner and get my children alive through the day. It was awful. I didn't recognize the depression at the time. Looking back it just seems like "huh, that wasn't fun" but at the time, it felt like our entire world was falling apart. And our marriage? Oh man, not good. This is where you don't get details, except to say it wasn't good. <br />
So not good that I was at my wit's end. I didn't know what else to do, other than leave, but I knew that wasn't the answer. But it hurt so much to keep living my daily reality. I honestly was just tossing up which would hurt worse.<br />
We had our home group from church one Thursday night, and some things happened that day and that evening that made me so upset with my husband. So much so that we came home and got our kids to bed and had it out. I mean OUT. I've never seen either one of us like that. But it was needed. Sort of a "Wow we both realizes this sucks and we're hurt and we're angry so what's going to happen?". Your move Bobby. (chess reference from my youth, don't ask me why) And I was honest, with myself, with my husband. And he called our pastor, and set up an appointment for the next day. I was so angry and sad still I could barely sleep or deal the next day. But we went, and got help. And are continueing to get help. God is picking us out of the miry clay. <br />
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Oh, and ironically, Andrew's truck died this fall too. The same week we ALL got the stomach flu, BAD. So new car again. Praise God for that bonus paycheck. New/Used vehicle shopping was getting old, but once again God guided us. <br />
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A friend asked me once this fall if sometimes I just felt like screaming. And the answer was "Yes, but what good would it do?" It almost felt like God was using a huge REDO card on us. Just wiping everything clean to start over. And frankly, maybe we needed it. I did sort of wonder if our house was going to burn down at some point though.<br />
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For the first time in a long time, I have hope for the future. Yes, I talked to my pastor and then saw my Dr. about my post-partum depression. I never thought that would be me, but between being post-partum and everything falling to pieces in our lives, I needed help. And it did help. It helped me sleep, something I don't think I had done well in months, and help me be excited about the day, about life. About living it. <br />
But above all my hope is in God. He alone can bring us forth from the darkness. <br />
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And so we're here, December 8th, almost 9th actually. And I'm crying tears of overwhelming sadness. Because it hit me today. I missed it. The date in November, when I lost my baby. And I frankly don't even remember what the actual date is without looking. In some ways, this means I've healed. That I am and have moved past it. I don't think you ever "get over" it, but you can move past it. To where sorrow doesn't consume you. <br />
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But I'm crying, because I didn't mourn on that day. I forgot. And I'm angry I forgot. I never want to forget my babies. My 3 children who are with Jesus. Where there is no pain, no sorrow, and where there is no night. <br />
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And it's December, and this time of year always makes me cry. Ever since Levi was born. I remember those days, those days of waiting for his birth, and those incredibly lonely days after his birth. Of sitting in the NICU and just not wanting it to be real. To not want to be the Momma of a preemie, but to just pretend he would go home and we'd be fine. To hope against what would be the reality of several years of carefullness because he was so fragile, his lungs just not up to par. Even now when he coughs I cringe, waiting. The lonliness of that time can overwhelm me if I let it. The pure sleep-deprived willing myself to carry on emotions that threatened to overtake me. The memory of sobbing my eyes out in my car with my Dad because I didn't have the energy to drive myself back to the hospital by myself. It all comes rushing back and blindsides me when I'm not looking. <br />
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And so I sit here tonight crying. Remembering, and mourning again. Not wallowing, but letting myself return to those moments. With my newborn tiny son in the NICU. To that Saturday night after passing my baby, making my husband be the one to...To those days around Levi's 1st Birthday, loving and celebrating him, and mourning the baby we lost. Even to that June day when we lost 2 more babies. It all aches in me. And the ache spreads to the hurts in our marriage. The repair that is still being processed. The years of hurt and sorrow, and the years ahead of sheer work. <br />
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And then there was this song, "stumbled upon" as I started to write this post. <br />
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And God overwhelmed me. In a huge way. In these past 6 months, I have felt lost. From my God and my Savior. I've never questioned His sovereignty, I've even seen His blessings in my husband's life and changes and attitude. In the amazing way my sweet baby girl is so "Easy". In a new friend, a dear kindred spirit of a best friend who I never expected, but who has walked along with me as we go through our own valleys. And carried each other along the way at times. In providing us with the resources for 2 new/used vehicles. In so many things. In our son finally going several weeks without puking. But even while acknowledging God's blessings and sovereignty, I was still going "THIS HURTS GOD!!!" Screaming it, obviously. But He's still God, patiently waiting for me to realize my finite mind will never comprehend. Because if it could, if I could plan it, His Son would never have been sent to Earth. There had to be a better way right? But "oh, the glory of it all". <br /><br />So I'm humbled, and this Christmas season I'm making progress. I'm ready to celebrate more than just a 3-year old's birthday, to celebrate more than just presents and a fun time with family and friends. I'm ready to let go. To let God heal my heart. To let God handle the whole picture. Because I just don't. And I'm sure I don't really want to. <br /><br />Christmas isn't just the beginning of the story. It IS the story. Because as this song says <br />"Oh, the glory of it all <br />
Is He came here<br />For the rescue of us all <br />
That we may live<br />For the glory of it all"<br />
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There's the purpose in Christmas. The Babe who was Jesus was born, For the glory of it all. It would lead to the cross, and our redemption, but it was about Christmas too. The hope of the redemption to come. <br />
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So my heart needs to heal. I need to give forgiveness, and to beg for it. I need to mourn and remember, but to be thankful. Because there are lyrics in that song that get it so right: <br />
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"All is lost<br />Find Him there<br />Find Him there<br />After night<br />Dawn is there<br />Dawn is there<br />And after all<br />Falls apart<br />He repairs<br />He repairs"<br />
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I've been through so much night, but He was there. It's all fallen apart, many times over, but He repairs. And I'm so glad. <br /><br />"Oh, everything will change<br />Things will never be the same<br />(We will never be the same)"<br />
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We will never be the same. Praise God. For the Glory of it all. Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04244168219810648256noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7784622.post-61567032361661072402012-09-03T00:12:00.001-05:002012-09-03T01:05:31.827-05:00Emelia GraceI should have written this post in May, I thought about it a lot, but just couldn't bring my thoughts together enough to do it. <br />
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Emelia Grace arrived safely on May 14th at 7:14pm. Apparently she likes 14's. Before any further story, here is our beautiful girl shortly after arrival. <br />
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She weighed an amazing 8 pounds 7 ounces and was 21 1/2 inches long. Our BIG girl! As they were laying her on my chest the Dr. literally said "That's a big baby!" And yes, I got to hold her right away. We had a successful VBAC. I'm still crying as I write this 3 1/2 months later. God was SO gracious through the whole delivery, and I'm still somewhat in awe of having my precious baby here so safely. Her birth was everything and nothing like I imagined. </div>
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I want to share her birth story because already some of the details are getting fuzzy in my mind. I hesitated to do so because there are several parts that could be judged by others and I could be made to feel guilty about. But I don't. Andrew and I both made the decisions and we are so glad we did. God took care of us in big ways. </div>
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We had been seeing my OB every week since like 30 weeks or so due to it being a high-risk pregnancy. As the weeks went by we all would laugh at every appointment that I was still pregnant. As the weeks went by I got REALLY uncomfortable too. Now I understand those last few weeks of pregnancy, I had never experienced them with Levi. Now I get why everyone is usually SO ready for their baby to make an appearance. I'm still so thankful for them, especially as I look at my big healthy baby. She needed those weeks. </div>
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At our 38 week checkup my Dr. did an ultrasound as was normal and this time measured baby to see where she was at. Now, I know these are always just estimates, but she was measuring at 8 pounds. Andrew was over 9 pounds at birth and I was close to 8 pounds, so we knew a big baby was a possibility. My Dr. asked us how long we wanted to let me stay pregnant. She was concerned if Baby got much bigger I could have a hard time delivering her due to the complications with my uterus that I have. Andrew and I had already been talking and praying and we had decided the week after her due date we were okay with inducing. My Dr. suggested the Monday before my due date, at 39 weeks 2 days. I just sat there and looked at her and then at Andrew and I literally said "You two need to make this decision, I can't. I'm not impartial, I'm too uncomfortable to be impartial." So for basic safety reasons and the unknown of what my uterus would do, they decided May 14th was the day. I was excited to know the end was in sight, but didn't really want to share that we were going to be induced, many people have WAY too strong of opinions and I wasn't emotionally able to handle that. </div>
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So we told our parents and a few close friends and spent the week preparing for baby and enjoying Andrew. I was hopeful that I'd go into labor on my own, and while I had some contractions, nothing worth writing home about. <br />
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We dropped Levi off on Monday morning with our dear friends and pastor and headed to the hospital. My parents would be coming down around lunchtime to pick Levi up and watch him while we were in the hospital and take care of the dog too. :) <br />
We checked into the hospital around 7am and by 8am I was in a bed with an IV starting a pitocin drip and the Dr. had arrived. I was actually having several contractions already so they were encouraged by that. Makes it easier I guess. The Dr. checked me but I wasn't any more dialated than the week before so it made it difficult for her but she was able to break my water. Weirdest sensation ever...Dr. Shawn jokingly asked me what time I wanted to have baby. I told her Levi had been born at 2:06pm so lets shoot for that. Ha...I wish.<br />
By 9 or so Andrew and I started walking the halls. I wanted to help this baby out as much as possible. We did this several times and it was always my goal to make one "lap" for each contraction. But they started coming slightly faster so I didn't make a full lap. :) We would also come back to let baby get monitored for a while and Andrew would watch "American Pickers" This is my big memory of that. I also ate orange jello at some point. I was starving again but my nurse suggested not eating a ton just in case I had an epidural or c-section. Fine, I'll be hungry. <br />
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I think by noon I was done walking pretty much. Baby was doing a little bit of decelling when I would have contractions, but they were always during the contraction which is acceptable and somewhat normal I guess. (We learned after she arrived that she had a fairly long cord which would explain this, as she would probably press on it a little during the contractions.) </div>
I do remember Andrew eating his lunch that he had packed, and my nurse teasing him about being thrifty. My nurse by the way, Michelle, loved her to pieces. She was exactly who I needed to have that day. God knew. <br />
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Right after lunch things started getting pretty intense. I kind of lost track of time at that point. I do know I spent some time on the birthing chair and the ball. At which point it became harder and harder to keep track of Baby's heartrate so the nurse did put an internal monitor in on her head. So bizarre that the nurse touched my baby many hours before she was born. I think it's kind of cool actually. This monitor on her head allowed me to be able to switch positions without worrying about keeping her heartrate on the monitor. Very nice. The monitor was necessary due to us attempting the VBAC (vaginal birth after Cesarean). A necessity that I was willing to have to be able to try. I do know that at some point the nurse went and got a CD player and Andrew put on my new Casting Crowns CD and some Shane & Shane during the really rough parts. I know this helped calm me but it was getting pretty hairy. I was losing the ability to control my breathing and my anxiety. I would literally almost pass out/fall asleep between the contractions and then wake up for the incredible intense pain and just try to breath. I remember thinking it would have been a joke to have timed when they started at home because although they were over a minute long from start to finish I was only aware of the crazy intense part. </div>
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By 2:30 I was in agony, I couldn't labor in the tub due to it being a VBAC and Baby needing constant monitoring. I was literally sobbing when I said to Andrew "I think I need the epidural" I was heartbroken, which is SO ridiculous to me now. Michelle had checked me and I was only at a 6, so it could be a while still.</div>
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I was so discouraged. The anesthesiologist had already been in that morning basically trying to convince me to go ahead with the epidural right away. His reasoning being that because I was attempting a VBAC if something happened and I needed a c-section RIGHT away, it would save time and I would avoid being put under general anesthesia if necessary. I wanted to wait...I was annoyed at him actually. Bad attitude on my part. </div>
Anyway, you have to have a certain amount of fluids before you have the epidural so even though I made the decision sometime close to 3, I would have to wait a half hour or so. Ugh. I remember just trying to get through every contraction and not die in my opinion. <br />
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The anesthesiologist arrived sooner than I expected and did the epidural. It wasn't immediate relief, and I know I felt like punching him when he was taping the tube to my back and patting it on, or what actually felt like was beating my back. I was in such pain and just wanted to crab at him. </div>
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To explain a little bit of the thinking at this point, we knew it could be a while since I was only at a 6, and frankly, I knew I was losing control. I wanted to be alert and aware for our baby's birth and knew I wouldn't be at this point the way things were going. I didn't want to just "make it through", I wanted to be there totally as much as I could. Maybe this was due to not having any choice in Levi's c-section, I'm not sure. I was also getting really impatient and short with my husband due to the pain and I didn't want to be acting like that. With all of this in consideration, we decided the epidural was the best way to go. Andrew was SO amazing and supportive. Even when I was crying in sadness, he was supporting me and encouraging me. I also had several amazing friends who I texted afterwards, who were so encouraging. God totally supported me through them. <br />
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After the epidural went into affect, I was definitely not in as much pain. But here is where it gets interesting. While I wasn't in intense pain, I still was feeling everything. Which is the goal I guess, but the contractions were still very intense. Not as painful, but I definitely still felt them and couldn't really even sleep and they did still hurt some. From what I've gathered this isn't quite the norm, which I'm thankful for now. I've always processed anesthesia fairly quickly, when at the dentist they have to give me novacaine in abundance, and when I had Levi my spinal wore off pretty quickly. The nurses were very amazed by how quickly I could move my legs.<br />
So while I'm thankful I got the epidural, it wasn't totally effective for me either. Once I had the epidural though, I remember just being excited to meet this girl. <br />
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We had a nursing change at 3:30 and frankly, my new nurse, didn't like her much at all. She was a little older, and just annoyed the heck out of me. It's all a bit of a blur now, but I remember her checking me and everything and I just didn't like the way she did things. I do remember that I was getting there. I was getting the "transitional shakes" that I didn't know what they were at the time, but I was definitely shaking. :) Also, the pain was getting worse. My left hip especially for whatever reason was just killing me. I remember thinking "So epidural?" Because I wasn't sure why I was feeling so gross. Finally around 6 or so, I basically told the nurse "I NEED TO PUSH!" Because I was so frustrated it didn't feel like she was listening to me. She checked me again and said something like "well you still have a rim left so let's wait" and I wanted to literally punch her. PRAISE THE LORD my awesome OB, Shawn, walked in at that moment and said "If she wants to push, let her push". I also remember she brought her knitting basket in with her, no idea how much knitting she actually did.<br />
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They set me up and I started pushing. It was agony. I couldn't get my left leg comfortable. Somewhere in this time frame Shawn decided baby must be pushing on my sciatic nerve or something, but everytime I would have a contraction or push, it felt like a sword piercing all down my leg. Not fun. I did learn the pushing pretty quickly, wasn't too complicated. Not quite what I had pictured, but it made sense in the moment how to do it. Andrew had a hold of the leg that wasn't hurting, and the nurse the painful one. At one point I tried to get them to switch because he was being so gentle and it didn't feel like she was. I just wanted it to end. I wanted to be strong and push this baby girl out. NOW. I think somewhere near 7 I asked Shawn how much longer I was going to be pushing. She guessed about a half hour or so. I was losing all control. I couldn't make myself breath right, I was still pushing amazing I guess, but I couldn't get my mind to stay where it needed to due to the awful and severe pain in my leg. I looked at Andrew and Shawn and just said "You gotta get her out" Shawn said she could use forceps but there were risks. I asked her to state them and she did, but she also told me she was very good with forceps and was very careful. The nurse, a new one, Praise the Lord! There had been a shift change at 7 and I recognized this nurse from our childbirth classes with Levi, and my bed rest at this hospital before being transferred. And I liked her! Anyway, she backed up what Shawn was saying and said "Yes, she's very good". I asked Andrew and he said it was my call. So I looked at Shawn and told her let's get her out. She set up fast and explained that I still needed to be the power, she was just going to guide her head a little bit. So I pushed like a mad woman, because I was. :) I knew the whole time that I had been pushing great, they told me I was, and not just as a compliment either. But man did I push. And Shawn guided her head and pulled a bit I'm sure. And wow, did it hurt. I just know I had my eyes closed, I was screaming like crazy, and I thought I was literally being ripped in two. I've never known that kind of pain. Thankfully, you do forget it. Thankfully. I also remember my husband's reaction. He was SO excited and really was freaking out. I just remember him saying "Oh man, here she comes." A LOT. And loudly. It was honestly the best moment because he was so excited and we hadn't had that intense craziness with Levi's birth. So, I was being ripped in two, Andrew was freaking out, and I thought I was going to die, or at least need a bajillion stitches. And then, <br />
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She was there. She was crying. And they plopped her right down on my chest. I was in awe. I thought I should cry but I just couldn't. I couldn't believe she was there. I heard Shawn instructing Andrew how to cut the cord and I did cry then. Because we got to do all the things we didn't get to do with Levi. I pushed baby girl out, and got to hold her right away, not hours later. Andrew got to cut her cord. Just awesome. <br />
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I'm a little fuzzy on delivering her placenta, but I think they helped a little with that? Not sure. <br />
Shawn started doing something that hurt and I was like "What the heck?!" and she explained I hadn't torn externally at all, just a little internally. I was shocked, I thought for sure I was ripped like crazy for the way it hurt and she said "nope, just a few stitches internally. You did really good." Wow, amazing. It still hurt though. She did remark that my epidural wasn't such a big help. Well that's good to know that wasn't normal pain for an epidural. <br />
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At some point Shawn said good-bye and I was just in shock that it was done. The nurse came over after a long while and asked if I wanted her to go clean baby up or if I wanted to keep holding her. She ASKED. Didn't pull baby girl away or anything. Awesome. I said "sure, you can take her." because I knew she'd be right over there in the room and I'd get to see her. I was so joyful. This deep seated peace stole over my heart. Andrew took pictures like crazy, he's good at that. <br />
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The moment they laid Baby Girl on my chest I said "Hi baby". I had to restrain myself from using a name because I almost immediately felt a name for her. But there's Daddy to consider. :) We had gone through a name list while I was in labor, but like with Levi, I felt like this should be her name when I saw her. Guess what? He agreed. :) We're a good team like that. <br />
Emelia. I thought for sure her middle name would be Jean, after my mom, his dad, and lots of other family heritage there. But when I suggested, Jean, Grace, or Ruth (My dear Grandma's middle name) he really thought it should be Grace. I am so thankful he decided. I love it, and I love that he chose her middle name so fittingly. She is our Grace Child.<br />
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There's lots of other fun stuff like how I tried to pass out the first time they got me up, how I got to eat right away (So much better than a c-section!) and all sorts of stuff, but the important thing, was that she was there. <br />
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Emelia Grace. My redemption baby. Most women call a baby they have after they lose a baby or more their rainbow baby. Like the promise after the storm. Which is fitting, but I prefer a term I learned from another blog Momma who called that baby her "Redemption Baby" Because God DOES redeem our tears and our pain. After Levi's crazy traumatic preemie c-section birth, after losing 3 babies in 2 miscarriages in between, Emelia Grace is most definitely my redemption baby. <br />
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No, everything wasn't "all-natural" and perfect. But she was there. Alive and full-term. That's so much to be thankful for. Actually, it's everything. I wouldn't have it any other way. And besides, this was my first "true" labor. It's all a learning process right? :) I know there will be those who scorn me for being induced, but the fact is, I don't answer to you. But to answer the thought, Emelia WAS a bigger baby, and we honestly didn't know what my uterus could handle. God had already done HUGE unthinkable miracles just getting her to full-term. No Dr. could explain it. They didn't need to, God is bigger. So we made the decisions we made, knowing that my bi-cornate/septate uterus needed all the help we could give it. My ultimate goal was to avoid a c-section. We did that. With whatever it took. So to God goes the glory. Will we do things different next time? Maybe, maybe not. Any baby God gives will be a blessing, however they enter this world. <br />
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Welcome to the world Emelia Grace! You are our precious Blessing!Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04244168219810648256noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7784622.post-72318316732196841212012-06-19T16:07:00.000-05:002012-06-19T16:07:04.828-05:00And Baby makes 4This is a month overdue but better late than never. :)<br />
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Emelia Grace joined our family on May 14, 2012 at 7:14pm. She weighed 8 pounds 7 ounces and was 21 1/2 inches long. (My big baby!) She had a little bit of dark hair but thank goodness for headbands for baby girls. :) No confusing her with a boy now. <br />Here she is just minutes old. <br />
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We were able to have a successful VBAC by the grace of God and I will definitely NEVER forget my husband's reactions as she was making her appearance. When they laid her on my chest I remember being shocked that I got to hold her. Oh that's right, when your baby isn't 6 weeks early you get to hold her right away. :) I just remember the Dr. saying "She's a big baby" and then instructing Andrew how to cut her cord (another shocker!) and then I got to have her. I held her for so long and then the nurse ASKED if she could take her and clean her up and stuff. Again, shocking. </div>
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It was not an easy birth or a total walk in the park, but we had so much to be thankful for. God led us in the decisions for her birth that we had to make and the result was a healthy thriving baby. </div>
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It was so neat to be able to have her with us whenever we wanted in the hospital. She did develop jaundice so we had to stay an extra day with her under the lights, which was hard for me. It was a little to "NICU" feeling but it was only for a day, then we got to bring her home. No carseat test, no monitor attatched to make sure she was breathing, etc...All ours. <br />Here she is all ready to go home with Mommy & Daddy. </div>
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It was the greatest feeling to bring home my 3 day old baby. </div>
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Levi remarkably loves her and has done SO well with her. He gave us an idea for a nickname too, "Mia". We'll see if it sticks or not. Grandma & Grandpa Otto came down and spent the days with Levi while we were in the hospital and it was such a blessing. Levi had a hard time visiting the hospital and not understanding why Mommy & Daddy didn't come home with him. But once we were home, he didn't show any agression or dislike of Emelia. There were a few days of wanting in Mommy's lap at times he couldn't be, but overall, he loves his baby sister to pieces. He says "Melia a nice baby!" That's how he says her name often "Melia" or "Mia". <br />I am so blessed to have 2 beautiful children on this earth to love. </div>
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My two beautiful kiddos! Levi looks so happy to be holding his sister Emelia. <br /><br />The adjustment from 1 to 2 I have to say is far better than from no kiddos to 1. There were some rough nights, still are, but overall we're making it. We had lots of company from family and then Christi and her girls were here for several days and Valerie and Kiernan came as well. It was nice having distractions for Levi in the beginning. And my husband, well he is pretty wonderful and the best Daddy ever. He's been priceless these past 5 weeks. </div>
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Which is where we are, Emelia Grace is now 5 weeks old. It's amazing how much faster time goes AFTER the baby makes their arrival. We've had some puking and gas issues and she's being treated by the chiro and Dr. for those. We still flinch when she burps to see how much is going to come up, but she's gaining LOTS of weight and very healthy otherwise. So we just pray and cry and know that this too will pass. Mostly my body just needs to regulate my milk supply better and her system needs to mature. The reflux isn't fun but the medicine seems to be helping that some. </div>
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Emelia weighed 11 pounds 13 ounces and was almost 23 inches long at a weight check today at 5 weeks old. That puts her in the 95th and 98th percentile for height and weight. SO different than Levi. She's our "Chunky Monkey" as I like to call her. She's already almost ready for size 2 diapers and she's in 0-3 month clothes. It's amazing how great it is having a thriving baby who doesn't need to be coddled as much. I definitely like having a baby in the spring/summer better than the winter. So many less germs to worry about and it's just so much easier to run to the store or something. Not that shopping with 2 is a piece of cake, but at least we're not all bundled in jackets and hats and mittens. :) </div>
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This is her 1 month photo, she's growing so fast! </div>
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There are still lots of adjustments to be made, but I can't imagine life now without Emelia Grace. She's the answer to so many prayers, and we are just SO thankful for God's grace in bringing her to us. We love you Emelia Grace!</div>
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</div>Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04244168219810648256noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7784622.post-68138733381206218882012-04-27T12:58:00.000-05:002012-04-27T12:58:04.529-05:00Give a LittleI found a blog several months back, and I immediately fell in love. I found it about a day before it went viral online due to an amazing post about NOT having to love every moment of motherhood every single day. I laughed and cried at her posts and thought I'd found pure gold. And then, the bombshell. She posted something that I could not in any form agree with, especially under the heading of "Christian". So I stopped plugging it to friends and stopped reading dailly. But I still catch up now and then, because one of her whole premises is that we as Mommies need to stick together, even when we disagree. No judging each other, because we're all in this together. And while I do think God calls us to be discerning and not to accept everything or every action that we come across, I think she has a good basic point. <br />
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We as Momma's have it hard enough. We struggle daily with our children and a culture and maybe a workplace and a community that doesn't always or ever support our roles as Mom's. So why do we fight each other? I may not agree with the way you "train" or don't your children to sleep, or letting them suck their thumb, or what they can or cannot eat. But guess what? They are YOUR children! Just as mine are mine. <br />
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So while I may still roll my eyes at times or cringe at some judgements some parents make, I'm trying to train my heart to be more prayerful and less judgemental of other parents efforts. We're hopefully all trying here, and I know I for one am trying to do my best to raise my son and future children the best I can. <br /><br />I will be 37 weeks pregnant tomorrow. And I'm super lonely lately. ~Physically it's gotten harder to be active and about with Levi. And sleep is broken and fitfull. There's so much more I coudl say physically but whining is what gets me lonely. ~Emotionally I'm anxious (don't preach, I know the verse) about when and how this baby is coming. I'm worn out from my independant strong-willed 2 year-old who is pushing every boundary and I don't always push back like I should. ~Spiritually I'm dry and thirsty. I'm wanting to seek God but feel like I'm just struggling in the dark due to my own sin and attitudes. ~Maritally I miss focusing on my husband. This pregnancy has consumed some of me at this point and I'm not a very good friend to a man whose love language is time spent doing things he enjoys. But he's gracious, incredibly so. I don't deserve him. And I miss spending time alone with him. Baby-sitters seem to be in short supply these days. ~Mentally I'm exhausted by the concern about this baby. It is totally a miracle of God that I'm still pregnant, but even miracles make us worried. My body is not perfect, there have been issues with any pregnancy I've had, half of which have ended so far in the death of our babies. While I don't take blame that isn't there for those, there's still the concern my body could fail this baby and it all go haywire in seconds. <br />And it's hard to describe any of this to anyone. So I'm lonely. I keep hoping when this baby comes I'll "get back out there" and be a better friend. But then I wonder who I'm kidding. I'm not sure I've been that great of one to start with. I guess I just wish my best friend lived next door. :) <br /><br />So the point being, with all the struggles we face as Mom's, let's give each other a little grace shall we? And maybe ourselves too while we're at it. And let's all strive to make this journey a little less lonely for each other.Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04244168219810648256noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7784622.post-56831026789842369262012-04-04T14:25:00.013-05:002012-04-04T16:00:38.669-05:00Maternity Photo Bomb :)It's April 4th. I'm still pregnant. If we make it to Saturday it will be 34 weeks. I've never been pregnant that long. And it's definitely looking like I will be this time. If not longer. That's just crazy. I was reading the post I wrote back on January 31st. I was 24 weeks pregnant. I was praying and hoping for at least 10 more weeks without bedrest, and here we are. And not just hanging on by our fingernails. We're cruising. Nothing has happened to make us (Me, Andrew, Our AMAZING Doctor) think that I won't go 36+ weeks. This baby is proving to be tough stuff and making all our concerns seem silly. Ha, actually it's God and His amazing power and a few people I know who are praying I get huge and uncomfortable and go really long. Yeah, I've reached the first 2 of those. :) Seriously, I could really complain if I wanted to, but I won't, because I'm trying to toughen up.<br /><br />One amazing gift in this pregnancy? We were actually able to do some family/maternity/Levi's 2 year photos. I just got the CD with all of them today and I'm so thrilled and overwhelmed. (<a href="https://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Faithful-Creations-and-Photography/392791790739880">Here's the facebook link to the dear friend who did them for us, she's great!</a>)<br /><br />This actually takes a bit of courage for me to post a few of these photos. I can't say that I love my pregnant body. Because I do look at the extra inches and pounds that maybe didn't have to be there and then start to critique myself. But here's the thing, even if I never lose the weight, if I'm always a little bit "fluffier" than I want to be, it's worth it.<br />This baby is a prayed for miracle, and no matter what, I will be thankful. And with the struggle that eating and not eating and being full and not being hungry and starving and blood sugar has been this pregnancy, who the heck really cares?<br />Okay enough words, now for some good stuff, like the amazing cuteness of my son.<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgI459vRBtfzLKCnSbRppHfGO7Vxz8aenjM41oaD7MlnIDKwHYpXy7zvbQwvvvo0AfPjzsyaWItIAG1RF5e7HZUHF4ELqIGsEb_ZzSCiUc1zhRBEqpvMUeX5iHXDPVxMtc6D3Ch/s1600/%257B21%257D.jpg"><img style="width: 400px; height: 267px; cursor: pointer;" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5727637443389724850" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgI459vRBtfzLKCnSbRppHfGO7Vxz8aenjM41oaD7MlnIDKwHYpXy7zvbQwvvvo0AfPjzsyaWItIAG1RF5e7HZUHF4ELqIGsEb_ZzSCiUc1zhRBEqpvMUeX5iHXDPVxMtc6D3Ch/s400/%257B21%257D.jpg" /></a><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEga4pAUDR3o-iDKjeLWyNO2QKZC4KxhYYnkRmxjFxW6fn_QiF0D7uDlX6Si1B0JYEICOKNvOAvYgU7RgQEGUfGw_9or97ikawSNjKiQXUPhik5ve_axf346a1vZ7B6GYmhueCGv/s1600/%257B23%257D.jpg"><img style="width: 400px; height: 267px; cursor: pointer;" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5727641131276844178" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEga4pAUDR3o-iDKjeLWyNO2QKZC4KxhYYnkRmxjFxW6fn_QiF0D7uDlX6Si1B0JYEICOKNvOAvYgU7RgQEGUfGw_9or97ikawSNjKiQXUPhik5ve_axf346a1vZ7B6GYmhueCGv/s400/%257B23%257D.jpg" /></a><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMzzQC0fKhaX8j-iIY8AaS4gvxPl09266C7H9BjrxDG7VgE8EQp5qSpACGDQfUAWboAbbk8HUeaH7vl7or9jQ8seRn0N1Tk9qBmNTIDoUAloEYW-dSrvTI6OghJox1BHAXxNy7/s1600/%257B37%257D.jpg"><img style="width: 400px; height: 267px; cursor: pointer;" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5727643652376576658" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMzzQC0fKhaX8j-iIY8AaS4gvxPl09266C7H9BjrxDG7VgE8EQp5qSpACGDQfUAWboAbbk8HUeaH7vl7or9jQ8seRn0N1Tk9qBmNTIDoUAloEYW-dSrvTI6OghJox1BHAXxNy7/s400/%257B37%257D.jpg" /></a><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEht5LFdexSX2vWMcxjQKhNPsOC75O_XcM4KTdtVbrzY4-c7KghiYjpkvp0kdZxI0govUrRtxIKKtziW33Xlrabyu3tIhhmUvv8sV2O1PviFDVAllv1kjBus_mxswcS6knYC6Ng1/s1600/%257B79%257D.jpg"><img style="width: 400px; height: 267px; cursor: pointer;" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5727647847689436274" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEht5LFdexSX2vWMcxjQKhNPsOC75O_XcM4KTdtVbrzY4-c7KghiYjpkvp0kdZxI0govUrRtxIKKtziW33Xlrabyu3tIhhmUvv8sV2O1PviFDVAllv1kjBus_mxswcS6knYC6Ng1/s400/%257B79%257D.jpg" /></a><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRinT1mGEjy8mBgqkCuSWbgVUC2AKA-6cWmjxExFShO18ZdU0jXfc8j04Yo8oihPR7sOS1MBVpitJOq2-ETXm-k1gSXWy9SwR5oBfh8m2bPn5l-aR1zLsZTznFYmvovTlZBVvd/s1600/%257B61%257D.jpg"><img style="width: 267px; height: 400px; cursor: pointer;" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5727647354317894066" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRinT1mGEjy8mBgqkCuSWbgVUC2AKA-6cWmjxExFShO18ZdU0jXfc8j04Yo8oihPR7sOS1MBVpitJOq2-ETXm-k1gSXWy9SwR5oBfh8m2bPn5l-aR1zLsZTznFYmvovTlZBVvd/s400/%257B61%257D.jpg" /></a><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyYexu_Vhc4a2XYN0aYxY5OpTLRasg64ccZYP-zqEE8ENRpkvSXAvCKmbTcYbJsRXBKerPae1OihtDa2CEspiMz20Mp-AXJxq8E2zEVLocftLpAuAKPIsBJrmiIFfXHWyerA_O/s1600/%257B48%257D.jpg"><img style="width: 267px; height: 400px; cursor: pointer;" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5727644170582329234" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyYexu_Vhc4a2XYN0aYxY5OpTLRasg64ccZYP-zqEE8ENRpkvSXAvCKmbTcYbJsRXBKerPae1OihtDa2CEspiMz20Mp-AXJxq8E2zEVLocftLpAuAKPIsBJrmiIFfXHWyerA_O/s400/%257B48%257D.jpg" /></a><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNAHe2SaYpXdccK2eUW_lOY-V11mbyli7g9Fz3vsXiuHC-F8w2jkVAiKzzyPtAZWMjebMZLcVGCw87qYHbf5-1XwfwVy4sTzSpXVsQQbdyYxlOHTtLvkzmmhsR7FiYxi2mNhFa/s1600/%257B54%257D.jpg"><img style="width: 267px; height: 400px; cursor: pointer;" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5727645151309575714" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNAHe2SaYpXdccK2eUW_lOY-V11mbyli7g9Fz3vsXiuHC-F8w2jkVAiKzzyPtAZWMjebMZLcVGCw87qYHbf5-1XwfwVy4sTzSpXVsQQbdyYxlOHTtLvkzmmhsR7FiYxi2mNhFa/s400/%257B54%257D.jpg" /></a><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhua-Mb-l9apdRV37vsORT8oUOdvMOYtXacSTCvvF4wrc6XMiSkevM5tjSmcjAj7IhLMnYtMhjHPJDR-VwDT2QEGGJhYP2YnfrCQFPvs6w83oEyvTCjWlGOAld_AG9SsEOiP8Ks/s1600/%257B57%257D.jpg"><img style="width: 267px; height: 400px; cursor: pointer;" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5727645669675858386" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhua-Mb-l9apdRV37vsORT8oUOdvMOYtXacSTCvvF4wrc6XMiSkevM5tjSmcjAj7IhLMnYtMhjHPJDR-VwDT2QEGGJhYP2YnfrCQFPvs6w83oEyvTCjWlGOAld_AG9SsEOiP8Ks/s400/%257B57%257D.jpg" /></a><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5KgoLj0jgxjrYaDbqX6pzwW67i0_fbauWgoLQ6QYtajkiofkUh5mRwJa2ZTkiWOF7ULes3ecFooN2n6z7lMHAxn12oltmuDPZ8xjTHUlJ9fUbtPh_hZ1zbAcqnQHyHrqsOICb/s1600/%257B85%257D.jpg"><img style="width: 400px; height: 267px; cursor: pointer;" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5727650179708623218" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5KgoLj0jgxjrYaDbqX6pzwW67i0_fbauWgoLQ6QYtajkiofkUh5mRwJa2ZTkiWOF7ULes3ecFooN2n6z7lMHAxn12oltmuDPZ8xjTHUlJ9fUbtPh_hZ1zbAcqnQHyHrqsOICb/s400/%257B85%257D.jpg" /></a><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj70-sxTx2lHEoCdrs7rMhAEMlNkkbMcaDZKfSAbk_hluHB4TYwRVtPoNZ3-p7zhfTxghopy20nrTK2LR7JVUkUOddV092oJ0VRiM28bk2-BpDy82Rvcel5mHoYhntjuIabvhj5/s1600/%257B91%257D.jpg"><img style="width: 267px; height: 400px; cursor: pointer;" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5727650880783892338" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj70-sxTx2lHEoCdrs7rMhAEMlNkkbMcaDZKfSAbk_hluHB4TYwRVtPoNZ3-p7zhfTxghopy20nrTK2LR7JVUkUOddV092oJ0VRiM28bk2-BpDy82Rvcel5mHoYhntjuIabvhj5/s400/%257B91%257D.jpg" /></a>Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04244168219810648256noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7784622.post-46928942173246504162012-03-08T11:38:00.005-06:002012-03-08T12:19:35.649-06:00Random HappeningsI'm a little disgusted with myself for how little I've been posting. I've been thinking about it almost constantly for a month or so, but obviously that hasn't helped the actual doing of it.<br /><br />The truth? I don't have many thoughts worth sharing. I do keep thinking of stuff to post but then when it comes down to actually doing it, I can't seem to organize my thoughts into anything I would deem interesting to read.<br />I've been thinking of posting about Levi, and trying to keep tabs on this age. He seems to mature and grow everyday almost. In scary fast ways.<br />I've been thinking of posting about baby, but there's not too much new to say. Other than we're hanging in there. :)<br />I've been thinking of posting about my husband, and the interesting battle that is trying to keep our friendship and relationship front and center amidst all this. But that's a lot of thinking.<br />I've been thinking of posting, well anything, but I'm soooo tired.<br /><br />So rather than a ton of words that may lead nowhere, here's some pictures to fill in some gaps:<br />These 3 photos are my boy at a local semi-pro hockey game with his Daddy a few weeks ago. I was SO bummed to have a cold and just be way too sick to get to go but they had lots of fun. Levi's been talking about hockey ever since. :) Andrew said he really enjoyed it. (Note, my responsible husband did not stay for the whole thing, he brought his son home to bed. I was very proud.)<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9WcOakPc6ssK_gs2k3WNFlctiVSt1XwjRgAI2Vhfwhhb5VE7PolaNkPU-EeGRJISH_ixy8UVAL46YVqNTUcEr6nubjyCdI_aQJ91YuWZgvkrR0PT6EbZLIoPu8DwwZlJ6v4oB/s1600/IMG_5647.JPG"><img style="width: 300px; height: 400px; cursor: pointer;" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5717586742959758738" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9WcOakPc6ssK_gs2k3WNFlctiVSt1XwjRgAI2Vhfwhhb5VE7PolaNkPU-EeGRJISH_ixy8UVAL46YVqNTUcEr6nubjyCdI_aQJ91YuWZgvkrR0PT6EbZLIoPu8DwwZlJ6v4oB/s400/IMG_5647.JPG" /></a><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsGOE8WoXCSz61rE7rpul9wgb7COoTB4W7FZatkF1N-sBlLdua3BBVRyMe_Ul2gyKikEqHyEKntJx3u6NQs1E3U3p1ECvzJ0B-fzPrzcQ7mqs6CYweZQIJxANfWUtCSzm-Jr69/s1600/IMG_5642.JPG"><img style="width: 400px; height: 300px; cursor: pointer;" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5717586739940392338" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsGOE8WoXCSz61rE7rpul9wgb7COoTB4W7FZatkF1N-sBlLdua3BBVRyMe_Ul2gyKikEqHyEKntJx3u6NQs1E3U3p1ECvzJ0B-fzPrzcQ7mqs6CYweZQIJxANfWUtCSzm-Jr69/s400/IMG_5642.JPG" /></a><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTtjVjdPd7aeeQiccebZfMP5YFMQ7SeOnKOH9ol1HIkCmf9cgTjWRWeyprZPEF-9IAogRWDhyphenhyphenGxMOxCaBb2ONOUFiKlJm_1WQvwhRkCSqszbpFHNn4UYdanHZugoT1OUCsU6tv/s1600/IMG_5649.JPG"><img style="width: 400px; height: 300px; cursor: pointer;" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5717586735843725762" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTtjVjdPd7aeeQiccebZfMP5YFMQ7SeOnKOH9ol1HIkCmf9cgTjWRWeyprZPEF-9IAogRWDhyphenhyphenGxMOxCaBb2ONOUFiKlJm_1WQvwhRkCSqszbpFHNn4UYdanHZugoT1OUCsU6tv/s400/IMG_5649.JPG" /></a><br />This boy is looking more and more like his Daddy everyday. I didn't know he could get more like him. I love this adorable face. <br /><br />This is Levi and I after it had snowed 12 inches in less then 18 hours last week. Levi wasn't too keen on walking in it, or Momma dumping him out of his sled when I tried to. :) It was funny though...<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKbOIBuEmkAgNZM4JIu0UHa82FeU049gGMX-JtZUqNdq1bLwaZUvbggqlI5qpcHAusv6i2Uh8Y_3MRySU0_zuKvqWMpGoc1yHHeZK2l4NGICEOPXxccFXfDg0P6jJ6pCLGHwBj/s1600/IMG_5661.JPG"><img style="width: 300px; height: 400px; cursor: pointer;" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5717586763223422066" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKbOIBuEmkAgNZM4JIu0UHa82FeU049gGMX-JtZUqNdq1bLwaZUvbggqlI5qpcHAusv6i2Uh8Y_3MRySU0_zuKvqWMpGoc1yHHeZK2l4NGICEOPXxccFXfDg0P6jJ6pCLGHwBj/s400/IMG_5661.JPG" /></a><br />And a side note, last spring or the one before, I forget, I had bought some snowpants on MAJOR clearance at a Columbia outlet. But then discovered they were a tad bigger than I thought. No biggie, $10 and I'll wear them when I'm pregnant I thought. Which I did earlier this winter when it snowed. Guess what? I couldn't get them zipped this time...I still wore them, but my pregnant belly is sort of overwhelming me right now. Perhaps when I get brave I'll actually let Andrew take a picture just to amaze and stun you...<br /><br /><br />And this? This is the beginning photo of the transformation of one of "Levi's" walls into a pink one. We're starting to try to say "the kids' room" instead of "Levi's". The pink helps a little. :) And yes, I my pregnant self painted, because Andrew hates too. No worries, he helped tape and everything else, just not the actual painting. It's better that way. We're both less crabby. <br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWlLvgMNP6YiQccrs_TOCMRtCdrFU-nzTc7YSoDKaJ62SJHvc3T5Wm5mj-gDN2xd01uGNZsJUJ0HkPq7anoKp-ffr-wZ6QuJrghU01-fVxXP6f_of6flbEZhD-W7C5Z9We-yA2/s1600/IMG_5668.JPG"><img style="width: 400px; height: 300px; cursor: pointer;" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5717586726828877618" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWlLvgMNP6YiQccrs_TOCMRtCdrFU-nzTc7YSoDKaJ62SJHvc3T5Wm5mj-gDN2xd01uGNZsJUJ0HkPq7anoKp-ffr-wZ6QuJrghU01-fVxXP6f_of6flbEZhD-W7C5Z9We-yA2/s400/IMG_5668.JPG" /></a><br /><br />I so debated about posting this pic, because I was hard pressed to find "painting pants" so these old Jammie pants do NOT do me any favors. But Andrew took the photo so I'll post it. :)<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6kvb0Sx1aXRRRX66V7S_Om5pfPIEFxPPVJyCH5RXh1XWJU8JEy-QL0HyTIO1OfYYYWy_a-Oh1Xi-YglQA3eEcyqHn9n0zdA7wOUoAZ_KuYNflClgHhy9GAZczkEJOFI7_AbnG/s1600/IMG_5670.JPG"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 300px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6kvb0Sx1aXRRRX66V7S_Om5pfPIEFxPPVJyCH5RXh1XWJU8JEy-QL0HyTIO1OfYYYWy_a-Oh1Xi-YglQA3eEcyqHn9n0zdA7wOUoAZ_KuYNflClgHhy9GAZczkEJOFI7_AbnG/s400/IMG_5670.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5717589776967388962" /></a><br />Please ignoring the round bottom to go with the round belly. Which I realize was hard to see with the oversized sweatshirt Andrew dug out for me. Trust me, it's VERY round and there. I'll prove it someday. <br /><br />So yes, we're getting ready for baby. :) It was sort of fun painting and putting the crib back together into a crib. Andrew put together the actual toddler bed for Levi, and we got a used crib mattress from a friend for it. So now bed is ready for baby and Levi's moved into a "big boy" bed. Which he hated at first. Don't ask me, same thing as the crib when it was a toddler bed, minus a few extra side bars I guess. Oh well, he's used to it now. But the first night? "Me no big boy." Well he is and got over it quickly. <br />So we got to do this time what we didn't for Levi, paint and put the crib together. Pati is going to help me add some stencils on the wall in a few weeks. Ladybugs, butterflies, that sort of thing. :) And I've been given baby clothes and filling in the gaps from some swap & sell sites on facebook. So all the preemie and newborn clothes are washed and in the dresser. The changing pad is on top, granted with the blue cover. Not spending money for a new pink one. Sorry baby, you'll have to deal with some blue. The gal we got the crib mattress from blew me away and gave us a complete bedding set so now the bed is made with bumper and all. <br />Blankets are washed and waiting. Which is what I feel like. Waiting. <br /><br />I still have lots I want to accomplish in the house in general before baby comes, but overall, I think that's my word. Waiting. It's sobering to think 2 weeks more of this pregnancy was when I started my hospital stint with Levi. Waiting. I'm hoping for at least 4 1/2 more weeks with this one. But either way, I still have stuff to get done. :) But yet, the biggger she gets and the more she grows, the more I can't wait to meet this little baby. I think having Levi makes it all the more real about the real person I'm carrying. And I want to know her, to know who's nose she has and who's eyes and who's hairline. :) And maybe, just maybe, she'll have brown eyes. <br />That's a story for another day though...<br /><br />In the meantime, all your prayers for health and patience and sanity would be much appreciated. :)Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04244168219810648256noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7784622.post-30999123358486534042012-02-22T08:23:00.003-06:002012-02-22T08:57:48.752-06:00Fear Has No Place HereI know, it's been a while. I find when I'm pregnant I'm not the most social and/or interactive person. Add to that an intentional effort to focus more on my husband and our friendship (yes, friendship, that is the building block for marriage I believe, believe it or not yourself) and I just haven't had that much to say. <br /><br />But some events of the past few weeks and then specifically Monday have brought out some words. <br /><br />Fear has reared it's ugly head in my heart/life once again. Fear that although I've carried this baby 27 weeks, that she isn't meant for this earth and won't grow up with us. I've been struggling and fighting this, and then today, I'm reminded that it doesn't necessarily "matter". Because God IS sovereign no matter what. Even if she's perfectly healthy and is born to us alive and well, that doesn't mean she'll grow old on this earth. <br /><br />We received 3+ inches of snow on Monday. Wet, heavy, sticky snow. Long story short it led to several car crashes and 6 deaths in the immediate area. One of those deaths was a 13-year old girl driving with her mom. So heartbreaking. I couldn't help but cry for her mom. To be driving and live and your daughter, flesh of your flesh, not live. I pray for her today. <br /><br />We have no guarantee of tomorrow. James 4 makes that pretty clear:<br />13 Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— 14 yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. 15 Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” 16 As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil. <br /><br />Just because I make it to 34 weeks pregnant, or even 36, doesn't mean this baby will be healthy. And if she is born healthy it doesn't mean she'll live to be 5, or 10, or 20. Only God knows the number of her days. Which is where I find peace. God knows. And has planned them. And they are perfect. <br /><br />One of the other fatalities on Monday was that of a 26-year-old Newspaper gal in a town just less than 30 minutes south of us. I'm 26 years old. She was due with her and her husband's baby one week after my due date in May. She spun on the ice and her car was hit and she was killed. My heart aches to breaking for her husband. <br />I can only look at my husband and imagine if it was him. I sobbed this morning for this man named Paul. Will you please join me in praying for him? He's lost SO MUCH. His wife, His hope of a baby, just almost everything. Please pray if he doesn't know Jesus that this will send him running to our Savior. That's the only place he'll find true healing. <br /><br />And so today, I don't know the future. I don't know if I'll wake up tomorrow to feel this baby kick, or if she'll live to be delivered. Or if either of us will live past any day in the future. <br /><br />But I know this promise:<br /><br />“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.” 1 John 4:18 ESV <br /><br />The context of this chapter points us even more to God. <br /><br />11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 12 No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.<br /><br />13 By this we know that we abide in him and he in us, because he has given us of his Spirit. 14 And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. 15 Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of God, God abides in him, and he in God. 16 So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. 17 By this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because as he is so also are we in this world. 18 There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. 19 We love because he first loved us. <br /><br />There is NO fear in loving God whole-heartedly. Only in Him is perfect love without fear. I can give myself and my family fully to Him knowing that NO MATTER WHAT, it is safe. Even if we all die, we are safe. God's love drives out the fear of the unknown. Because He knows, and it is perfect. <br /><br />Let's all pray today for those who don't know or trust God's love and sovereignty perfectly. Because there, fear can exist. And fear is a horrible thing.Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04244168219810648256noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7784622.post-13830265503507608282012-02-06T14:01:00.003-06:002012-02-06T14:19:13.806-06:00Soul RechargedI'm sitting in Starbucks savoring the last few sips of my white mocha and also my weekend. I know, it's Monday. But to us, that's weekend. Andrew works Saturday mornings so our "days off" are Sunday and Monday. This "weekend"? We dropped Levi off with some dear friends and the dog also was displaced with some church friends and then we headed West. Literally. To another state. Well, like 2 miles into it. But hey, over 100 miles from home definitely counts. We had booked our stay at the best hotel available. Our friends' home. Seriously. MUCH BETTER than paying $70+ a night and WAY more relaxing. I was overwhelmed by their hospitality. Seriously. A drawer in the bathroom labeled "if you forgot" (Ha, I think I stole your 2 bobby pins Nicole, my bangs thank you.) Cookies and snacks and water bottles in our room, and not cooking all weekend? Yep, delightful. I definitely wouldn't have been so relaxed nor laughed as much at a "real" hotel. <br /><br />This weekend was our thrifty getaway plan for some time away as a couple before this baby comes or bedrest or whatever may happen. We've been feeling the strain lately of just being busy and frankly, lonely for each other. I get so focused on being Mommy so many days that my poor husband loses a wife. Or loses a patient, loving, serving wife. It's so good to take a break and remind ourselves that we are still best friends and still LOVE spending time with each other. And to spend some time with dear friends and just laugh together. And eat yummy food, and cuddle. Lots of cuddles. To remember we're US. Not just you and me. And to set some goals for the future and some plans for daily life to make reconnecting a daily or weekly thing. <br /><br />Life will probably only get a little more chaotic as we get closer to and do have this baby. So we're determined to set some plans and goals in place and to make some choices to allow us to keep the intimacy between us alive. Not just the "Honey can you get the diaper?" Kind of stuff. <br /><br />And I was so reminded and convicted of my heart toward my husband. I can't imagine life without him, ever, but sometimes I sure live like he's here to make my life easier. My helpmeet role needed some refreshing. <br /><br />My soul needed some recharging as well. God's been beckoning me to be refreshed in Him alone, and as usual, I've been pushing that calling aside for all the busy stuff of life and daily needs of my family. <br /><br />Short term goal? Get Levi to bed at the right time so that I go to bed at least a half hour earlier and therefore get up a little bit before him to start my day with the LORD. I need that. I crave that. More than my sleep. Choices. Other short term goal? Read 1 book a week. I used to read MULTIPLE books a week. So it made a book a week seem silly. But since my current path is not reading AT ALL, I needed a small goal. I'm on day 8, still have a few chapters left in this current book. But I'm conscious of the goal. And working towards it. Progress. <br /><br />It's time to hit the road to pick up the dog and toddler. I'm ready. My soul is refreshed and ready to face the days ahead. With a daily conversation with the Lord and my husband in mind. ;)Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04244168219810648256noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7784622.post-39605904878008946752012-01-31T08:50:00.004-06:002012-01-31T09:03:03.195-06:00To My Baby Girl...Dear Baby Girl, <br />You're making your presence more and more known everyday. Your flips and kicks have been there for a while, but lately I'm realizing just how big you're getting. My ribs have become your newest entertainment. Your Daddy has laughed when you literally make my stomache jump with your movements. Your actions seem much more distinct than your big brother's were. He just moved a lot. You move a lot and are very accurate with your kicks/punches. :) It hurts sometimes, but I wouldn't trade them for the world. I love knowing you're there. <br />Mommy's been feeling a bit anxious lately. You see, you've been in my belly for 24 weeks now, and to the medical world, that means you now have a 50% chance at viability if you were born today. It scares me. I want you to stay warm and cozy and growing for at least another 10 weeks. 12 would be amazing. But more than anything, I want you here safely no matter what. So if something were to go wrong at say 30 weeks, well, I'd rather you come at 28. Daddy & Mommy have been talking about what it means to trust God fully for your life. That He knows exactly the number of your days, both in my womb and out of it. <br />Psalm 139 says: <br />15 My frame was not hidden from you, <br />when I was being made in secret, <br />intricately woven in the depths of the earth. <br />16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance; <br />in your book were written, every one of them, <br />the days that were formed for me, <br />when as yet there was none of them. <br /><br />Jesus knows exactly what you look like kicking around in there. He knows the number of days you'll stay there, and Lord willing, the number of days you'll have on this earth learning and growing. But Mommy still gets scared. <br /><br />Yesterday was the due date for your twins siblings that have already been given-over to Jesus. Mommy didn't know how to feel about it. I miss them like crazy. The pain of their loss still hurts at times. But yet, I have you. God knew about you when He took them home to Him. He knew that you would fill my belly and my heart. <br />Some people say to be thankful Jesus took them because if He hadn't, I wouldn't have you. But I think you and I both know it doesn't work that way. Jesus' plan is perfect no matter if I have you or not. I'm thankful Jesus took them because He's sovereign, I'm not. He knew the perfect plan. Isn't it amazing Baby Girl, that your siblings work on earth was done so quickly? Jesus knows all our days, and theirs were so few, but so complete. God had a great work for them, that continues to be at work, in my heart if no where else, but they were done. <br /><br />But you Baby Girl, I pray daily that your work may take a little longer. :) That you are meant for this earth. For me to snuggle and love and teach and yes, discipline. I pray that the fighter spirit you've already shown will one day be used in a mighty way for Jesus. That the Holy Spirit would be in total control of your life and you would grow to be a mighty instrument for Him. <br /><br />I pray that you are in fact, My Redemption Baby. Some people would call you a rainbow. I choose Redemption. I pray God will use you to redeem the tears and grief we've shed. <br /><br />I love you Baby Girl. So much already. I'm so excited to meet you. Your life is so precious to me. <br /><br />Love, <br />MommyBethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04244168219810648256noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7784622.post-89186431587545969302012-01-13T16:25:00.003-06:002012-01-13T16:49:23.404-06:00Something NewSo right now I'm sitting in the recliner pretending that even the small movement of using my fingers to type doesn't hurt. But it does. <br /><br />I come from a genetic background of bad hips. I'm okay with this. Except when my love of bicycling hurts. And being pregnant hurts. The irony? Even having a c-section with Levi, your hips still start to spread way early. Your body just does SOME things right and naturally I guess. Even when other stuff gets screwed up. But I digress. <br /><br />This pregnancy? I swear my hips started loosening the moment those two little pink lines showed up. And with our goal of no bedrest, I've been trying to not overdo on everything. So when going to the gym leaves me aching for days, I needed a new solution. Enter My Husband. He knows how to swim. Not just to keep himself alive either. Like he can swim to the other end of the pool and back and back and back. Without stopping. For air. That thing I love. So between him and my chiropractor who also swims and is now teeny-tiny, I was receiving some let's say persistent suggestions to take up swimming. So off we went to find me some goggles that would NOT leak, otherwise, I quit right now. Thankfully we have a newer sports store in town that carries some nicer stuff. So with those and a nose-plug (Call me a dork, but I seem to not have been born with the capability to plug off my own nose internally. Which is not very helpful when you're trying not to drown.) I was set. <br /><br />Monday we hit the pool. I am slow. I could use a 1-piece suit so my belly doesn't show. No worries, it's a tankini, more modest than most 1-pieces, but it does ride up a bit underwater since it's not a maternity suit. Ah well. Andrew was very patient and gave me some basic pointers on stuff like breathing every so many strokes, and other stuff I don't remember. I did pretty well. Okay, I looked like a elephant trying to paddle, but I didn't drown and I left feeling like I'd worked out. A little weird since you're not all sweaty and your muscles take a while to make you realize you've done some work, but it's a workout nonetheless. <br /><br />So today I go by myself to swim some laps. Now on Monday I managed to mostly make it the length of the pool without pausing for air. Granted by this point I was GASPING for breath, but at least I wasn't blocking traffic or anything. I'm not sure if I was trying to go faster today, or going slower, or just not breathing right, or baby had just taken up residence in my diaphram, but it was not pretty. I'd make it about 2/3 or 3/4 of the way down the pool, at which point I suddenly realized I was dieing for air and better hussle. At which point I start looking even less graceful and basically drag myself to the end of the pool where I then gasp for air for the next 2 minutes at least. It was not pretty. At all. <br /><br />This blog was so not going to be about me swimming. But it suddenly is. Because today I either 1. pushed it a little too much 2. Definitely don't have proper form, or 3. Worked muscles hard that usually don't get it. Any one of these would explain the very nice ache I now have in my back, shoulders, neck, arms. But hey, my hips feel pretty good. :)Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04244168219810648256noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7784622.post-29410685302655905592012-01-06T18:10:00.000-06:002012-01-06T18:13:52.188-06:007 1/2 years, 300 postsSo my track record for posting at least once a week isn't great over a 7 1/2 year period, but if you subract the 2 years of almost relative silence, then it's a little better. :) The average hits 52 posts a year then, perfect. Almost. Anyway.<br /><br />This post has been staring at me for about 4 days now. 300 just seems so significant. Like I should have something monumental to say. Like this is it. Like Someday I'll look back at post 300 and wonder why I didn't use it to say something more significant. But really, it's just a number. What if I hadn't paid attention to the post #? What if I had just posted about everyday life as I usually do?<br /><br />I was reading back over some posts from the years, specifically the first year I started blogging. And I was cringing, and laughing, and nodding my head. I was so young, (I know, I still am), but really, I was so young. In mind, heart, and life. But when I read those words not only do I remember some of the mistakes and heartaches my young self made, I also read the words of a girl who wanted to trust and serve God with her whole heart no matter what. I can spend time thinking about how far I had to go, or I can look back and see how far I've come. I had so much to learn, I had so much to learn about God, who He was, and especially about His grace. And that's the thing I'm so thankful for in 7 1/2 years and 300 posts, God's Grace.<br /><br />And my husband. :) There's a comment back in there, about some of my college days, by this guy named Andrew, and little did I know in 2 years I'd be married to the guy. I never could have dreamed. And I'm glad I didn't know. I've made a lot of mistakes in 7 1/2 years. But marrying that Andrew was never one of them. God's grace is so evident in our relationship, and I'm so thankful for His and Andrew's grace and patience with me over the years. Not just in winning my heart, but in living life with me.<br /><br />We've come a long way since this blog started. Ironically the blog address "lifeandbeth" was suggested by a guy who I was friend's with, and almost broke my heart in many ways. But even in that God used him to show me Andrew, and what I could have there someday.<br /><br />I heard this song on the radio this evening, as I was preparing supper for my husband of 5 1/2 years and my 2-year old son, with my pregant belly carrying our baby girl getting messy in the process. A life that's known sorrow and grief and the loss of babies. And this song just seems to fit.<br /><br /><iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/u1JBSQMkQEo?rel=0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe><br /><br />Faith isn't something you have and then watch God move. Faith is something you have and do AS God moves and breaths in your life. This isn't foolproof doctrine. It's just a realization I'm making in my journey towards understanding faith. The biggest lesson? It's a lifetime process. <br /><br />So I can only hope and pray for another 300 posts to this blog. Full of evidence of God's grace in my life. And that I let Him work. That's my prayer. To look back and see a life submitted to God and following hard after Him. No matter how many posts come and go. <br /><br />A life of Faith. No matter what.Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04244168219810648256noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7784622.post-51287331023995578832011-12-23T21:25:00.003-06:002011-12-23T21:42:23.505-06:00Christmas Is A Time For...Tears.<br />No worries, Baby Girl is fine.<br />But tears nonetheless. This amazing day has always brought me to tears, ever since I can remember. I remember standing outside on the farm on cold, snowy, starfilled nights as a small child just in awe and amazement of all God had done on Christmas. Even then, I grasped it. As much as we can.<br />And today? Today I heard a story on the radio, and a little boys voice who had just lost his baby calf, and he was encouraging all those who had lost ones they loved to remember all God gave us in Jesus, and that He had loved His son, but sent Him to die for us. He knows our pain and tears.<br />Tonight Levi and I were mixing up some cookies, and I couldn't help but cry. Because I remember. I remember a Christmas Eve 2 years ago, when Andrew and I finally had to kiss our tiny boy goodnight, and go find some food. We left a hospital and headed out into the festive streets just trying to find someplace that was open. We finally bought frozen pizza at the local Walgreens which was miraculously still open (I know, Chinese, duh, but it didn't occur to us in our sleep-deprived state). We took it back to the homey but not home guest house by the hospital and ate frozen pizza then watched a little Christmas TV and drug ourselves to bed. It was an amazing Christmas, being parents for the first time, but the hardest ever. I just remember feeling so ALONE. Wanting to have my baby safe and sound in my arms at home, not hooked up to monitors and all swaddled in plastic walls. No family near due to circumstances, just us, with our tiny boy, and lots of nurses.<br /><br />And so I cried tonight, in pain for the loneliness I felt then, for the sorrow and emptiness I felt last year after losing our next baby, and for the simple hope I feel this year in our baby girl kicking in my womb. And I cry for all those who are shedding tears of sorrow during this joyous time.<br /><br />Hear this: I am SO thankful for Christmas, and I love it. But the reality of the day and the sorrow that Christ was born for are so real to me. When I think of the loneliness I felt that Christmas, I can't help but think of Mary & Joseph, all those centuries ago. Mary, so very pregnant, ridiculed by her community, "knowing" glances following her, Joseph, taking on a stigma and title that didn't have to be his, traveling oh so far from home, all alone, and then in a cold, wet, stinky rock shelter giving birth to a blood covered and probably cold baby. A Baby born to die. They welcomed Him to the world all alone and probably terrified. But the Angel said "Peace, Be Still" not just to the shepherds, but to their hearts. They had a trust in God so big. They probably didn't know what the future would bring, that their baby would one day die a cruel death for my sins, and all those who would trust Him. But they trusted, and prayed.<br /><br />So tonight, as I shed tears for our hurt, and for yours, and with gratefullness for the Babe who came to die, to be rejected by man, I pray healing for your heart. I pray that you will recognize that Christmas is only the beginning of the story. Jesus came, we are so thankful for that beauty, but He came to die, and to rise again, to defeat death, so that when we shed tears of sorrow for those we have lost, and for the pain, that there would be hope.<br /><br />If something happens to Levi tomorrow, if he is gone, I have hope. I have hope in a God who didn't stay a Babe, but defeated the grave. I have 3 babies I will see again someday thanks to Jesus. I can shed tears of sadness, but I can have hope.<br /><br />I love you Jesus. Happy Birthday. Tell my Babies I love them.Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04244168219810648256noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7784622.post-75423991565478408282011-12-22T14:06:00.001-06:002011-12-22T14:29:28.557-06:00Looking At You BabyOn Monday, I had a scheduled appointment in a larger city to the South East with a Perinatologist (high risk) Dr. and to have a level II ultrasound. Basically we spent over an hour with an ultrasound sonographer while she looked at every possible aspect of our baby and her surroundings. She looked for vessels and veins and joints and things I didn't even know existed. Seriously. Like normally teeny-tiny veins leading out of places I didn't even know were there. It was amazing to watch our baby girl for well over an hour kick and tumble around. It was awesome to see her roll around as I was feeling it too. We've had lots of ultrasounds, but none so in depth or so long. All I could think of as we watched the sonographer look at every little perfect detail of our baby who weighs less than a can of soda, was what the Psalmist said in Psalm 139:<br />11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,<br />and the light about me be night,”<br />12 even the darkness is not dark to you;<br />the night is bright as the day,<br />for darkness is as light with you.<br />13 For you formed my inward parts;<br />you knitted me together in my mother's womb.<br />14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.[a]<br />Wonderful are your works;<br />my soul knows it very well.<br />15 My frame was not hidden from you,<br />when I was being made in secret,<br />intricately woven in the depths of the earth.<br />16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;<br />in your book were written, every one of them,<br />the days that were formed for me,<br />when as yet there was none of them.<br /><br />It boggles my mind that at less than a foot long our baby is so perfectly and intricately complete. Oh yes, she has lots of growing and developing to do, but everything is there and working. Her 4 chambers of her heart are pumping blood faster than we could imagine, her brain is sending signals for blood flow all over her body. Her little kidneys, gallbladder, bladder, stomache, all working and preparing for life outside my womb. Oofda. No wonder the Psalmist said "Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well."<br /><br />I've never really cried at an ultrasound of any of our living babies before. But I did this one, when the tech zoomed in on her wonderful profile and said "Hi Baby". I lost it. Because I can't wait to meet her. She looks beautiful. I already know how wonderful her big brother is, and I miss her older siblings that are with Jesus like crazy. So it makes it all the more special to see her beautiful profile and be so impatient to kiss her face and get to know her.<br /><br />And in case you were wondering, she's perfect, really and truly perfect. Everything is working right and is there. There's a spot they check on the top of the spine at the base of the brain to make sure it's all closed over and correct. If it is, it rules out something like 90% of genetic deformaties. Her's is perfect.<br />We were told to expect 32-34 weeks gestation for delivery again, due to numerous things not related to her or her body, but similar to Levi's birth. We're prepared for whatever God has, and we're just so thankful for her wonderful life.<br /><br />And now, the good stuff, some pictures. :) The cool thing about this appointment was they immediately burned about 12 photos of stuff during the ultrasound onto a CD for us to take home. Very cool and fun and precious memories.<br />The very cool profile that made me cry.<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihTuursU2B35RYT9m0wcgp0YSTixQjHiDM5fBu4QTfMDqYF4R8rYVfnar1-U1nT0PBTA_ysCZS9uWeQufZnXpJBiYpyX5FODudbTMoaFtC1yR7iEubQ1EN_OwdZXA0JwPMdClA/s1600/PRESTONBETHANYK20111219101938474.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 400px; HEIGHT: 300px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5689046199885537378" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihTuursU2B35RYT9m0wcgp0YSTixQjHiDM5fBu4QTfMDqYF4R8rYVfnar1-U1nT0PBTA_ysCZS9uWeQufZnXpJBiYpyX5FODudbTMoaFtC1yR7iEubQ1EN_OwdZXA0JwPMdClA/s400/PRESTONBETHANYK20111219101938474.jpg" /></a><br />Our Precious Baby, that's her hand up by her mouth there.<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6NXRgXA3I9zFmSZc4X_nfXm4PQrKVSTvm3EnKgxx58W1LomGmWn0FcaASJtECA5dB262Rx_ThQBjyEtLvVmCshClDXUb9cTU-g97wCysYTiT2HUIRaBELgCl80MSVOeiiAUAS/s1600/PRESTONBETHANYK20111219102044978.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 400px; HEIGHT: 300px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5689046202185159922" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6NXRgXA3I9zFmSZc4X_nfXm4PQrKVSTvm3EnKgxx58W1LomGmWn0FcaASJtECA5dB262Rx_ThQBjyEtLvVmCshClDXUb9cTU-g97wCysYTiT2HUIRaBELgCl80MSVOeiiAUAS/s400/PRESTONBETHANYK20111219102044978.jpg" /></a><br />Her leg is all stretched out here: Yes, she was kicking me. :)<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSORCt1YFVqvr_PAp0kHL-uZgIl_sTl_XCyBc898YGnXwc8E8KFVIzJRJhfha5kqroxrgMHzbgNLEy1CiV-On8wwOxJvQuTDglRli0KQCoAkazDdq8SOq3T5bcBBsOkq8uAd3d/s1600/PRESTONBETHANYK20111219104004441.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 400px; HEIGHT: 300px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5689046213576518498" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSORCt1YFVqvr_PAp0kHL-uZgIl_sTl_XCyBc898YGnXwc8E8KFVIzJRJhfha5kqroxrgMHzbgNLEy1CiV-On8wwOxJvQuTDglRli0KQCoAkazDdq8SOq3T5bcBBsOkq8uAd3d/s400/PRESTONBETHANYK20111219104004441.jpg" /></a><br />I think this is the coolest picture of baby girl's leg, you can see the whole thing, so perfect!<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi24oYWJVyJgCnb-LWntcWyCg_z7yb_Ub-wM1rVv35R2qN4q3VddiDUFUzjfNV5KveYS7EQmndcByTOtZJcN1pnraVoprxjq3Cb-JUi2CXaiDmDEv3l-3gaZFO6DXVoo8VUiZYs/s1600/PRESTONBETHANYK20111219103214390.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 400px; HEIGHT: 300px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5689046212277479122" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi24oYWJVyJgCnb-LWntcWyCg_z7yb_Ub-wM1rVv35R2qN4q3VddiDUFUzjfNV5KveYS7EQmndcByTOtZJcN1pnraVoprxjq3Cb-JUi2CXaiDmDEv3l-3gaZFO6DXVoo8VUiZYs/s400/PRESTONBETHANYK20111219103214390.jpg" /></a><br />And to see the details, her perfect foot, every bone just right.<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEin343ZTBs9EW6SJ0qTsRUxk4nLps79d4uLl1fS3r-5S9DB0T0KVsx8YHuhTGrfva2ATnMKb5CfFOTJksqlJPL0hBfvPbDknZym4_mUyWT17WxDPg2j2UcSd9Rrh0Jenhleowuk/s1600/PRESTONBETHANYK20111219103039719.jpg"><img style="WIDTH: 400px; HEIGHT: 300px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5689046202643037650" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEin343ZTBs9EW6SJ0qTsRUxk4nLps79d4uLl1fS3r-5S9DB0T0KVsx8YHuhTGrfva2ATnMKb5CfFOTJksqlJPL0hBfvPbDknZym4_mUyWT17WxDPg2j2UcSd9Rrh0Jenhleowuk/s400/PRESTONBETHANYK20111219103039719.jpg" /></a><br /><br />After watching our Baby Girl kick around for over an hour and hearing relatively great news, I was finally able to go out and buy some girl clothes. Savers in this town had a 50% day on Monday, which was awesome. I not only found a few maternity things for me, but some super cute bigger girl stuff for Baby. It was a big step for me to actually spend money on this baby. I still struggle with days of fear, so stepping out and doing something tangible to say "this baby is reality and I choose to believe I will meet her and need things" was a big deal.<br />And the afternoon was very fun, Christi and her 4 girls came with to watch Levi during the appointment and to go to lunch and shopping with us. They all got to see some of the ultrasound and see baby. We had so much fun having them with us, and the girls all give excellent clothes opinions. :)<br /><br />I'm still in awe of the Babe growing inside me. I loved being pregnant with Levi, but I don't think I grasped the miraculousness of it quite as much. After his crazy arrival, losing 3 babies, and now watching this one grow, I think I am beginning to understand just how precious and miraculous life is. Our God truly does do wonderful works, my soul will praise Him.Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04244168219810648256noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7784622.post-55024008260575665992011-12-21T21:06:00.000-06:002011-12-21T21:47:41.479-06:00Happy Birthday Levi!Levi turned 2 on Sunday, December 18th! In the days leading up to it I couldn't help but think of the difference from a year ago, and then 2 years ago. 2 years ago was totally crazy, being in the hospital for 2 weeks simply waiting, almost bored to tears just simply waiting for baby to appear. And then the craziness of 17 days in the NICU with my tiny son. Last year, I simply was breathing and living for the sake of celebrating my son's birthday and Christmas. His birthday signified all taht we'd been through and after losing one baby, the hope that may be ahead.<br /><br />This year? It was just plain fun! Levi started to figure out when we asked "how old are you?" that "2!" was the right answer. I have this "thing" about making birthday cakes. I really have decided that I as Momma need to be the one to make my kids cakes. I have several friends who are really, really talented and make yummy and beautiful cakes. Mine taste pretty good but look a little less than gorgeous. But I still think it's important that I put out the effort to make something they will enjoy. There may be years where that just isn't the case, but so far, I've made both of Levi's cakes. Last year was a from scratch chocolate sheet cake with cool (real) little bulldozers/dump truck/diggers on top. I used brown frosting for dirt and some cool chocolate rocks to make it really realistic. This year? I have a boy who loves his monkey. Literally, he has a small stuffed monkey his Grandma gave him and he loves it. So I decided a monkey cake it would be. We went to the dollar store and picked up some plates and napkins and a few decorations for the party, and Levi wanted the snowman and snowflake plates/napkins. I gave him several options and those were the ones he wanted. I should have taken the hint and just made a snowman cake. 3 circles and a hat, how simple would that be? But no, I spent most of the afternoon and late into the night Saturday creating a monkey. It was so worth it, despite a frosting mishap and more crumbs than I cared for after cutting out all the little features. It was far from perfect, but was recognizable as a monkey and pretty cute too. :)<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5tX522C4x2j3YnRT0icUt6dcd1mxF9n0bWWhwX1SBGgpgTTkBu4Cz9BdhxuzzaLLNg9q9v0vMiNPU0IZdJ2UpJRIKW5hDQuLw7gY0nh3cEu32pWHOAITODI7ScaYPTb2SxD6x/s1600/Levi%2527s+2nd+Birthday+007.JPG"><img style="WIDTH: 400px; HEIGHT: 267px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5688777091849132146" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5tX522C4x2j3YnRT0icUt6dcd1mxF9n0bWWhwX1SBGgpgTTkBu4Cz9BdhxuzzaLLNg9q9v0vMiNPU0IZdJ2UpJRIKW5hDQuLw7gY0nh3cEu32pWHOAITODI7ScaYPTb2SxD6x/s400/Levi%2527s+2nd+Birthday+007.JPG" /></a> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbfQshTISlj9f30C7610YHm8bEkVxPTZiY8R8a8Oxd-hQ1wbCR7OKhOSk9oTXDa5UNVSwGkree-CJhX1XitxQWLDk_KGE1h4KRj0wms60KuSN9KXGNaFbBjgY_BuNpvcpjm_Ni/s1600/Levi%2527s+2nd+Birthday+003.JPG"><img style="WIDTH: 400px; HEIGHT: 267px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5688777087818934562" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbfQshTISlj9f30C7610YHm8bEkVxPTZiY8R8a8Oxd-hQ1wbCR7OKhOSk9oTXDa5UNVSwGkree-CJhX1XitxQWLDk_KGE1h4KRj0wms60KuSN9KXGNaFbBjgY_BuNpvcpjm_Ni/s400/Levi%2527s+2nd+Birthday+003.JPG" /></a><br />Levi thought it was pretty tasty. :) He asked for "more!".<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEik6sQ-IKU8V3StIe-QtklA25HNjJ8IwYlD4bDD7iGMbM43vB163pZURmmuk-DxQ_sU2uln7a3wBatF0MC-OXZebxA3PP7G-mdYvrt9MO9EFNnAYW-jEqjLH-n2ukZSn6njyVap/s1600/Levi%2527s+2nd+Birthday+015.JPG"><img style="WIDTH: 400px; HEIGHT: 267px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5688777101115387378" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEik6sQ-IKU8V3StIe-QtklA25HNjJ8IwYlD4bDD7iGMbM43vB163pZURmmuk-DxQ_sU2uln7a3wBatF0MC-OXZebxA3PP7G-mdYvrt9MO9EFNnAYW-jEqjLH-n2ukZSn6njyVap/s400/Levi%2527s+2nd+Birthday+015.JPG" /></a><br />Then it was present time! He did pretty well opening all the presents despite all the people and just wanting to play with the ones he had already opened.<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijqy9GzJz7LyZVstrIRj98CnoZtaeMG0xDpDGXtiAKqN6P2ACyK6ZXHbtV8dZnXB-3b1mkv02vOC0BAUWe1qAClKCusGlBPuRR5lZZgnSTzjpYkui1ECcobTYGU0l6PL_sYh8z/s1600/Levi%2527s+2nd+Birthday+027.JPG"><img style="WIDTH: 400px; HEIGHT: 267px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5688777106372365602" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijqy9GzJz7LyZVstrIRj98CnoZtaeMG0xDpDGXtiAKqN6P2ACyK6ZXHbtV8dZnXB-3b1mkv02vOC0BAUWe1qAClKCusGlBPuRR5lZZgnSTzjpYkui1ECcobTYGU0l6PL_sYh8z/s400/Levi%2527s+2nd+Birthday+027.JPG" /></a><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUnj_lj2OV6nYiUshNyXNNQRLEr2EiHNMrnhJS8nKRWq8uzIDD8zI_xQxjZrMFX49Sce8OYH58sWVNgKMxlj-lV7eCL0liuCY9pMf9UsgRgnvRVrCz2Wi8pwaIiwNZ9vhDXI_p/s1600/Levi%2527s+2nd+Birthday+030.JPG"><img style="WIDTH: 267px; HEIGHT: 400px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5688777109808045250" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUnj_lj2OV6nYiUshNyXNNQRLEr2EiHNMrnhJS8nKRWq8uzIDD8zI_xQxjZrMFX49Sce8OYH58sWVNgKMxlj-lV7eCL0liuCY9pMf9UsgRgnvRVrCz2Wi8pwaIiwNZ9vhDXI_p/s400/Levi%2527s+2nd+Birthday+030.JPG" /></a><br />Pretty fun presents!<br />This one ranked up in his favorites. Grammie & Grampie Preston got Levi a "Thomas Train" yellow bulldozer train to go with his wood train set we added too. He loves diggers and Thomas Train so he was pretty much in love. He slept with it that night. Then Christi & her girls got him an orange Thomas Train and now he has one for each hand.<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhNKvfhSOjIGg_QHKiIHDatwhI__JUmIP_a9mK5TLyWzr-HwcNIHXisPO-NqCY0deGRkpHj5-BRvChr5Q3tXyTE1Qv8pKhar8drd-m3OfaemPjwar-MlC7_oXa1NB_IRyNBJzN/s1600/Levi%2527s+2nd+Birthday+032.JPG"><img style="WIDTH: 400px; HEIGHT: 267px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5688791179830961314" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhNKvfhSOjIGg_QHKiIHDatwhI__JUmIP_a9mK5TLyWzr-HwcNIHXisPO-NqCY0deGRkpHj5-BRvChr5Q3tXyTE1Qv8pKhar8drd-m3OfaemPjwar-MlC7_oXa1NB_IRyNBJzN/s400/Levi%2527s+2nd+Birthday+032.JPG" /></a><br />Due to having so many gifts to open we let him open some from us later that evening and then Will & Val & Kiernan brought Levi a gift when they came to spend the night on Monday and then he got to open his Christmas gifts from Christi's girls yesterday. Needless to say he now thinks he should get to open a present every day. It took some convincing today that he needed to leave the gifts under the tree alone until Christmas day. He really obeys well but you can tell he wants to dig in. :) <br /><br />Levi, I can't believe it's been 2 years since I heard your first little tiny miraculous cries. You were so tiny, but so perfect, and you were ours. You have come so very far and grown so very much. You are the joy of our lives. We are so thankful for you and for your life. You are our big boy and my baby all at once. I love you more than you will ever know. I pray big things for you. <br /><br />I pray that Jesus will call you early in life, that you will choose to follow Him with your whole heart and life. I pray that you will be a world-changer, an extraordinary young man in your generation. That you will lead your generation to know Christ in a real and tangible way. That you will stand up for the weak and opressed, be a champion for those who can't champion themselves. That your life and words will be full of grace and gentleness, but that you will always speak truth and love. I pray for a woman who you will love and who will love you in return. For you to be a strong servant-leader husband who loves with his whole heart. To lead your children to Christ in a strong way, and to always be the Daddy they need. I pray you will always enjoy coming to visit. :) <br /><br />I love you Levi, you are my gift from God. I love being your Mommy and am so thankful I get to spend almost every day with you. You challenge me to be more than I thought I could, and I will never regret my time with you. <br /><br />Happy Birthday Precious Boy!Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04244168219810648256noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7784622.post-13984696006453874492011-12-08T22:02:00.002-06:002011-12-08T22:58:45.523-06:00What's On My MindI have so many random things going through my head, so maybe I should do bullet points. :) There may be no cohesiveness to this post then. <br /><br />~I've been feeling the baby move off and on for a few weeks now. Which is awesome, except that it's also nerve-wracking. Because it's not consistent for a while. And when you feel the baby one day and not the next...ugh. More trust huh?<br /><br />~Michelle Dugar (you know, 19 kids and counting) just announced that she miscarried at 19 weeks. Ugh again. Tear my heart out. And take my breath away. Scary. Again, trust. And prayers for their family. <br /><br />~Andrew has blessed our family hugely and gotten a second job, at least for the Christmas season. It may last longer as the large chain store is renovating. It's crazy weird and hard to not have him around in the evenings or weekends. We are SO proud of him for working so hard. In fact, Levi can say that. "Daddy...(long pause) HARD!" Translation: Daddy workin' hard! Levi also says "Daddy 'Mazing!" Translation: Daddy Amazing! Yes, I taught him those things. I love my husband, and I'm so thankful for him. I want Levi and I to do all we can to encourage him. It's hard, it's very hard to not have him here. Levi really misses his Daddy when he's working both jobs. And I really miss my friend and the help he is. So many hours of single parenting can be trying. Which leads me to thankfullness. I am SO very thankful to be married to a man who loves being with his family. Who plays and spends so much time with his son that his son can't help but miss him. Who is such an encouragement and relief and partner to me. Who loves his family. So instead of griping and being nasty to him, I'll be honest, I'll tell him we miss him, but that we are so thankful for him. It also makes me pray extra hard for the single moms I know. Because I CAN NOT imagine. At least I know that there are days when we get to spend time with Andrew. That he's only a phone call away. That he's doing this 'cause he loves us and wants to take care of us. I am NOT alone. I can't imagine the women and men who do this on a daily basis with no support or spouse to love and encourage them. So know this, I'm praying for you. <br /><br />~Levi's second birthday is 10 days away. I'm so excited and yet in a little bit of shock I think. It's been a crazy year for us, and I can't believe it went so fast. And I love Levi sooo much and can't wait for his excitement over cake and presents to unwrap. :) I'm sure it will be great fun. And no, I wouldn't want him to stay little forever. It's just crazy how short a time little really is. <br /><br />~We have an appointment with the perinatologist and geneticist and not sure who all in a few weeks. I think I mentioned this. It's got me excited and nervous all at once. I'm excited to learn more about our baby girl and what to expect for the future of this pregnancy. I'm nervous because it may not all be good news. But we know and choose to trust God knows every step in this pregnancy, and He knows every moment of this baby girl's life. <br /><br />~Can you tell trust is the theme of my life right now? Guess what? I don't do it well. I sometimes just push the fear away rather than fighting it. But my heart's cry is to fully trust God no matter what. And here's the thing. No matter how well I do or don't trust, I do know this: God is sovereign. So no matter if I choose to trust or not, He is still in control. He wants me to choose to trust, but even if I don't, He's still on the throne. Which makes me want to work at and choose to trust Him even more. <br /><br />~This baby seems to want to make her presence very well known. The maternity pants have been pulled out. I was told to expect this with a second or 4th or whatever pregnancy. But still, hard to believe. Thankful for maternity pants though. :) So much more comfortable. <br /><br />I think that's all I have on my brain for tonight. :) Again, thank you for your prayers, we love them and so appreciate them!Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04244168219810648256noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7784622.post-49372962255436794042011-12-01T15:49:00.004-06:002011-12-01T16:04:46.915-06:00All Things PinkBlogger apparently decided to hate me for a few days, so I haven't been able to log in and officially confirm the news of "It's A...". Hopefully we're friends on facebook and you saw the cupcake already. If not, here ya go:<br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzBGd_JZIqpN-lDh_Feqi3YgovcuZm8bS6JE1T7XUU5f7dIeeLhHa7NoKqh1dhwLc7vc-dte-mpJ8JBpbqrqWJhzPTj82kydeSMU5e6DuXc3Ck7-bncDOx2XIwB7hgmBA3uO7l/s1600/IMG_5528.JPG"><img style="WIDTH: 400px; HEIGHT: 300px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5681281099918337730" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzBGd_JZIqpN-lDh_Feqi3YgovcuZm8bS6JE1T7XUU5f7dIeeLhHa7NoKqh1dhwLc7vc-dte-mpJ8JBpbqrqWJhzPTj82kydeSMU5e6DuXc3Ck7-bncDOx2XIwB7hgmBA3uO7l/s400/IMG_5528.JPG" /></a><br /><br />Yep, Pink it is!! I know it doesn't mean anything, but I really thought it was a girl the whole time, so I was very excited and ready when the Dr. said "Girl!". Andrew's excited, as excited as he gets. We both would have been very, very happy with 2 boys, but a girl is pretty neat. I told Andrew "good work". I know some people's ideal is a boy and a girl, but in reality, until this pregnancy, I only wanted boys. But now that it's reality, I'm very excited to have a daughter. Levi can say "Baby Sister" very well already. :) We're sure he has no idea what that means, but oh well. A dear, sweet, precious woman in my life brought me a baby gift today, of 3 pink and yellow outfits. PINK!!! She said I needed to visualize. Oh My Word! So excited!! I told Andrew it's a good thing it's not garage sale season. I may have gone a little crazy if it was. Another dear friend offered to make us cloth diapers with ruffles on the bottom. HA! I love it!! We've already discussed and somewhat decided on what to do to the kids room to make it less blue and more girlie while still being boy/girl friendly. Thankfully we have some talented friends in our lives. <br /><br />In reality, it scares me a little to have a girl. I want our kids to be friends, and somehow 2 boys seemed less dangerous than a boy and a girl. I know (even from other people) that that doesn't assure anything, so it's just an irrational fear. A girl also seems to put a little more pressure on me. After all, Levi just has to model after his Daddy. A girl? Yep, that would be me she's watching. I know, I know, all kids watch both parents. But still. <br /><br />Some of the exciting things? As one friend pointed out "Now you get to be the Mother of the Bride someday!" Ha! Love it! And I simply cannot wait to see Andrew with a daughter. I have the feeling he'll melt. A lot. She'll have him wrapped so tightly around her finger. And I'll love it. <br /><br />I feel so very blessed. One thing I did want to dispel was the thought that having a boy and girl makes our family complete. It may or may not be. That's up to the Lord. But the two of us, Andrew and I, we do not fall into the category of believing that one of each is all we want or hope for. We will take each child as they come, and treasure their lives. <br /><br />A Girl! The first Granddaughter on both sides. My parents have all grandsons so far so they are pretty excited. :) And since we have the only kids on Andrew's side, we're doing a good job of covering all the gaps. <br /><br />Baby girl, We love you so much already. We are so excited for your arrival and thankful for your life. We'll love you to pieces, always.Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04244168219810648256noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7784622.post-40108324974216015602011-11-29T08:49:00.002-06:002011-11-29T08:58:47.887-06:00It's A...So what do you think? Boy? Girl? :) Guess what? Not telling just yet. Sorry man. <br /><br />We've sent a few pictures out with Levi and a special balloon to share with a few close friends, and today we're taking cupcakes to play group and then to church home groups tonight that are filled with a very special color frosting. We thought that may be a lot more fun than just telling everyone. <br /><br />So pictures will follow sometime soon, and then you can know for sure. :) I'd love to hear the guesses though. We were so very thankful that baby cooperated this week and we could know. The doctor said with 95% assurance that she was right. So we'll take that. There's always that little chance, but really, can you ever know for sure in life until that baby shows up? :) <br /><br />Some people have already asked if we have a name, and no, we don't. And I'm guessing if we do decide on 1 or 2 we won't share until baby is here and named. That's what we did with Levi, he wasn't Levi until we both held him. And honestly, Andrew needs time to process names. He's not as impetuous as his wife. :) <br /><br />So hold on tight and wait for the news! Pink or Blue?!Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04244168219810648256noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7784622.post-80114176705760791572011-11-19T21:10:00.002-06:002011-11-19T21:12:29.232-06:00Joy & GriefI was reading over my last two posts and realizing I don't sound very joyful. Don't get me wrong, I am. I am SO excited for this baby. But I am also apprehensive. There are days that are so hard to not just live in fear. Because once you've lost your babies, it's hard to believe that this one is for real. And now we're depressing again...sorry. I think the best way to describe it is that once the "untouchable" things in your life have been touched, and destroyed for lack of a better word, that suddenly your life seems so fragile. I'm searching for the right description here. Maybe this story can help it make a little more sense. <br /><br />Sometimes a date can sneak up on you. I was getting ready for church a few weeks ago when the fact that it was November 6th hit me like a ton of bricks. I really didn't think it would bother me. But it did. It has been a year since our second baby was given over. Way too early. We already knew the baby had died, but somehow, this day was what was significant. So I cried. I was shocked that the date hit me so hard. Here I was like 12 weeks pregnant and rejoicing in our latest baby's life, and yet sobbing uncontrollably for a baby lost a year ago. Because this Babe growing strong in my womb DOES NOT replace our other 3 children. Some people who have lost babies and then gotten pregnant again fairly quickly have said that they can't mourn their miscarriage because without it they wouldn't have the child they have. I get that, but can't I wish for both? And since it's been more than a year since our first given over baby, that doesn't apply. I physically ache at times for that baby. I want to know them, to know their personality and to kiss their tiny heads and to snuggle them close. I MISS THEM. I never knew them, but I miss them. No matter the good news, that God is sovereign, that my babies know no more pain, that they are in the presence of the Savior, I MISS THEM. Do I wish for them to be here with me? Yes and no. Yes for my sake, no for theirs. But no matter what, I miss them. And that's okay. I no longer have intense anger, but I'm still sad at times. Like that day. When it just hit me. So I cried, not just for who I had lost, but for the pain that had been experienced, both physically and emotionally. And this song I'll post, suddenly made more sense to me than it ever has, even right after we lost the babies. <br /><br /><iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/iOufqWodFNo?rel=0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe><br /><br />The lyrics that get to me are these:<br />"This hand is bitterness. We want to taste it and let the hatred numb our sorrows. The wise hand opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow. <br />If hope is born of suffering, if this is only the beginning, can we not wait, for what our, watching for our Savior?<br />This is what it means to be held, how it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life, and you survive. This is what it is to be loved, and to know that the promise was, when everything fell, we'd be held." <br /><br />I never understood the intense questioning that goes on in this song before. I never understood the intense feelings of anger, bitterness, and acceptance all at once. The "okayness" of questioning God but still asking to be held. And now I do. <br />You survive, but there are days when you feel and know life will never be the same. Because the sacred HAS been torn from your life. So I don't feel guilty for being apprehensive about this baby. I SO rejoice in it's life and can't wait to meet Baby. But there's always that nagging "what if I don't get to" feeling in the back of my heart. What if I don't get to meet this baby on this earth? So not shouting it from the rooftops helps soften the fear and potential hurt. But I love this Baby. Oh so much. The days between Dr.'s appts can't go fast enough. I can't wait to see Baby's little hands and fingers and wiggles and yawns again. I want to KNOW this Baby. <br /><br />So the joy is there, and coming more everyday. The intense celebration? I may save that for the delivery date.Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04244168219810648256noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7784622.post-25716313399393792732011-11-12T21:39:00.002-06:002011-11-12T21:51:51.152-06:00BlechBlech...This word seems to sum up my life lately. I have to say, this pregnancy has been so eye opening. I thought I was sick with Levi, I thought one of the pregnancies I lost was miserable, they were nothing compared to this. And yet, I know I still had it easy compared to those who are throwing up multiple times a day. Although there were days I wished I could have thrown up, maybe I would have felt better. But most likely, probably not. But I have to say, feeling like you could puke 24/7 is NOT fun either. I may finally be on the upswing. Meaning I only feel sick 1/2 the day instead of the whole thing. Meaning I'm actually eating a few bites of dinner and not existing on cereal 24/7. <br /><br />I have learned in this to be so thankful for certain things in my life. <br />~Like my husband. He's been so patient and understanding and compassionate. Not expecting supper freshly made every night. Not being offended when I serve him his dinner and go check out in the other room so I didn't have to smell it anymore. Not minding taking extra care of Levi in the evenings when I felt the worst. Isn't that bizarre? I feel worse as the day goes on. So much for "morning sickness" Andrew's been a hero, rubbing my back, being VERY sympathetic and undemanding. No guilt whatsoever. I love that man and his tender heart. <br />~Secondly I'm so thankful to be a stay-at-home Momma this time around. So that on the worst days the biggest demands on my time were someone wanting to read or play with me. Not lots of customers wanting their lattes RIGHT NOW. So that what little energy I do have, I can pour into my son and husband first and foremost. No, it's not easy financially or emotionally always to be home and not working. But when I see Levi and the things he learns everyday and the joy of sharing that with Andrew, well it's all worth it. Some people may say I'm not "contributing" to our household financially. Well, so what? Because I am contributing to the upbringing of our legacy. I'll take that over false financial guilt anyday. And so would Andrew. <br />~Thirdly I am SO thankful for our amazing OB/GYN. She's been with us ever since I was trying to get pregnant with Levi. She walked that whole ridiculous path with us, even though she didn't get to deliver Levi, she made sure we were in good hands when transferred. She walked us through the dark days of miscarriage, twice. She looked extra hard to see our twins, even though they were gone, to give us hope that we had conceived miracles. And she rejoiced in this pregnancy with us and looked from the very beginning at the ultrasounds for every positive thing she could find to encourage us. She scheduled 2 appointments for us the week we had lost the other pregnancies, to let us sleep at night. I ran into a labor and delivery nurse today that I had known through the 'Bou and had when in the hospital before Levi was born. And shared our good news and chatted about my Dr. You know how wonderful it is to know that the nurses love your Dr. too? If they have good things to say, and they see it all, the good, the bad, the ugly, and the weird, then you know you're getting the true story. God has blessed our hearts with our Dr. She's cared for us above and beyond necessity. <br /><br />Someone asked me why I didn't "announce" on Facebook, just linked to my blog there. Truth be told, I hesitated even to do that. Because of the following thoughts...<br />~First, I have to say this. I DO NOT resent anyone who has announced their pregnancy on Facebook. Or who is pregnant. <br />~Secondly, while the above it true, this is also true. When you have lost a baby, hearing in person about someone's pregnancy is hard, but reading it on an impersonal media site? Devastating. Maybe this will help you understand better. This is copied from a blog post I linked to several months ago when a game was going around on Facebook. About posting a hypothetical "pregnancy" to raise awareness for Breast Cancer. Frist of all it's ridiculous to think that would work, and it's also hurtful. This gal sums up why:<br />"If you played the game, I guarantee you there is someone on your friends list who saw you post your fake pregnancy, and for a moment, she was reminded of her empty aching womb, preparing herself to congratulate you, because she loves you, and yes, she IS truly happy for you. If you ever do get pregnant, please know that. She went through the emotions that come with such a sensitive situation for her, and she probably cried. And when she found out it was all a joke, she probably felt anger and pain and learned NOTHING about Breast Cancer Awareness." <br />Copied from this blog: http://cgwardphotography.blogspot.com/2011/08/regarding-facebook-breast-cancer.html?spref=fb<br /><br />I can't really say it any better. I've always been excited and thankful for those who can get pregnant and have healthy babies. And I've prayed for them, that they won't experience the losses I have. <br /><br />But it still hurts. Especially 2 days after undergoing surgery to remove your 2nd lost pregnancy. When you see someone is now announcing their pregnancy and is due 2 days before you were. Or 3 weeks. Or anytime in the vicinity. Because it IS a painful reminder of all you've lost. <br /><br />So no, I don't resent anyone who's announced their pregnancy on Facebook. But I choose not to. At some point it will become impossible to keep quiet. And I did choose to link to my blog post, even knowing comments would come on that link. I just choose to not proclaim from the rooftops that I have something someone else may be longing for. Because we DON'T know what someone else is going through. Baby loss is still a taboo subject to many. Now, this post recently circulated Facebook, and this one I was proud to post: <br />Today we remember the babies who were born asleep, or whom we carried but never met, or those we have held but could not take home, or the ones who made it home, but didn't stay. Make this your profile status if you or someone you know has suffered the loss of a baby. The majority of you won't do it, because unlike cancer, baby loss is still a taboo subject. Break the silence. In memory of all lost ones ♥<br /><br />So, ever since the losses I've kept a lot of my life off Facebook. Because I don't want to hurt anyone to be hurt by me, intentionaly or unintentionaly. <br /><br />Yes, we celebrate this baby's life. We're thankful for Baby. But we want to share in the area we feel most comfortable, and to think of others at the same time. <br /><br />So I hope that makes sense without being too much of a soapbox. And I pray that next year I'll be posting pictures of our new little one. Maybe on Facebook...maybe not.Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04244168219810648256noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7784622.post-72643901007594395062011-11-08T21:59:00.004-06:002011-11-09T14:17:47.895-06:00FinallyI know, I know, it's been a while again. Here's the thing, when you can't write about the biggest thing you want to write about, it's hard to come up with meaningful thoughts that don't revolve around that thing. Confused?<br /><br />.<br /><br />..<br /><br />...<br /><br />....<br /><br />.....<br /><br />......<br /><br />.......<br /><br />........<br /><br />.........<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrZIPOiFT0iyRDwzAKB24Sv_rrhh6Zm3KBFlwVgSuujR1ooBtE1SpdCHBwvOb9l50sA-QUlht1uQxAgPr6eQap2yqP-rEP_nHE46sFy1wzcn3VSHTbORc-gVtB67NPL4CSeTtz/s1600/%25232Ultrasound+002.bmp"><img style="WIDTH: 400px; HEIGHT: 343px; CURSOR: hand" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5672783886748680322" border="0" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrZIPOiFT0iyRDwzAKB24Sv_rrhh6Zm3KBFlwVgSuujR1ooBtE1SpdCHBwvOb9l50sA-QUlht1uQxAgPr6eQap2yqP-rEP_nHE46sFy1wzcn3VSHTbORc-gVtB67NPL4CSeTtz/s400/%25232Ultrasound+002.bmp" /></a><br /><br />Meet the Newest Baby Preston.<br /><br />And I'm crying. :) Tears of Joy. We've been waiting, and waiting to share. Even now I'm fighting the fear of "going public". I'm afraid as soon as we "announce" that something will happen to baby. Fear has been a big factor in this pregnancy. But God is gracious and patient, and I'm learning on a whole new level what trust REALLY means.<br /><br />So baby is 12 1/2 weeks along. This ultrasound is with the baby facing you, so the eye sockets can look kind of creepy. You can see baby's leg all stretched out on the left and in the middle there's kind of a bright white streak of the arm and then just below that you can actually see the bones of a hand. Baby was moving all over for this ultrasound and the heart has been strong and Baby just looks great! We've been seeing the Dr. A LOT, we are so blessed with a Dr. who has walked us through every step of our family's journey and understands all we've been through. She loves letting us check on Baby every week. The scariest/most anxious week was that week between 7 and 8 weeks. We saw the Dr. twice that week, just to keep an eye out. That was the week where we'd lost the last 3 babies (2 pregnancies). By 8 weeks 2 days it was very evident this baby was still strong and growing limbs. :) I thought I'd be super relieved, and I was, but fear can be powerful. So we're praying and trusting and hoping. <br /><br />It's been a rough pregnancy, I've never been so sick. People tend to say that being sick is a good sign of a healthy pregnancy. I don't totally agree because I was sick with every pregnancy, but this has definitely been the worst. I'm so thankful for a wonderful and supportive husband who knows how to cook. :) There were some really rough weeks in there where it took everything I posessed to just stay alive and care for Levi. We read lots of books in those weeks. And praise the Lord for Sesame Street and Signing Time. But I think we're on the upswing. I finally feel like actually seeing and talking to people again. And not just puking on their shoes. No matter what though, I'm so thankful to be pregnant. People can be a little less than careful shall we say, and when they hear you're sick share stories of people who were sick their entire pregnancies. Not exactly encouraging when you wonder if you'll ever have color in your cheeks again and actually WANT to eat. But even if I am sick the entire time, that's ok. Because Baby is SO worth it. <br /><br />There's so much more to share, and in the days to come I will. I'll share some thoughts on the future weeks and what we expect the rest of this pregnancy to look like. But for now, some of my more predominant thoughts. <br /><br />When I first saw the 2 pink positive lines on the pregnancy test, 8 weeks ago, I would be lieing if I told you I jumped for joy. In that moment I severely questioned our decision to try again for another baby. Because it had been so recent since we'd lost the twins. But in that fleeting second of "Lord, Please, I can't do this again" I chose a different attitude. I literally said in my mind "Lord, you created this life. You chose this baby for us and are forming it's parts, so let me rejoice in that miracle. I WILL rejoice in what you have made." It was so early, baby wasn't even a centimeter big yet, but I knew from the moment this baby was conceived, that God had planned it's life. So we would rejoice, no matter what. I am SO thankful that it appears we will get to meet this baby on this earth, but even if we don't, this baby has been a blessing from God. <br /><br />Which leads to my second thought, bonding. I have to say that watching this baby grow is so different from Levi. I think with your first child you of course love and want this baby. But you don't quite grasp the reality of what that will look like. You don't understand that the moment you hear that child's first cry, your heart is now living outside your body. That your very being will love that child more than you can ever comprehend. Now, this time? I see Levi, I see the love and the intense emotion I experience for him. So I get it a little better. I feel like I've already bonded so much with this baby. I so anticipate every little whimper and sigh and snuggle and little fingers and toes to kiss. Yes, there will be rough days of course, but I can't wait to meet this little one. For I see the love and joy that I've experienced with Levi, and I can only imagine and anticipate how that will simply multiple for this next Baby.<br /><br />So, there you have it. Finally, something to talk about. :) We do want to say that we so would appreciate all of your prayers and blessings for this Baby. We've been praying from day 1 for God's protection for this Baby and we continue to do so. We also choose to trust God's plan is best. But we do pray with hope and longing that this Babe is here to stay for now. So thank you, for sharing our joy and praying for us. We are so thankful.Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04244168219810648256noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7784622.post-9742386761105027722011-10-24T17:39:00.008-05:002011-10-24T20:25:52.562-05:00In My Arms<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/Hf-1rtYPjjE?rel=0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe><br /><br />I strongly suggest listening to this song while reading. Unless you don't want to cry...<br /><br /><br /><br />Something I'm learning as a Momma is this: Nothing is ever predictable nor constant. What works for Levi today may not work tomorrow. What works for Levi will probably not work with your child. <br /><br />There are some constants in this life, God's word for example. The principles therein will never be shaken, will never change. If I apply those to our lives, to Levi's life, we all fair much better. <br /><br />But the child himself? Our relationship? It's never the same. There was a time and day when Levi relied on me for his very existence. Before he was named Levi, when he was just a 2-inch babe in my womb, I was his lifeline. Even post-birth, without my sustanence and nurturing and provision, he could not have survived. Even now, he needs me to provide the food, but he can feed himself. He can crawl into bed by himself, put himself to sleep, but he still needs Momma to find those jammies and kiss him good-night. I know there is coming a day when he neither wants nor needs my good-night kisses. When he will go to sleep long after I do. When he will be providing his own nourishment and for others in his care as well. As that day gets nearer and nearer every moment I just want to take him in my arms and say "No, NO! He's mine!" I've been a big believer in "Raising your kids to let them go." And I still am. My mom practiced it, and I know it blessed my life and hers. But now I understand, it wasn't an easy decision. One she may have cried over and hurt over. But she's done it. And where is one of my favorite places still? My mom's arms, or her listening ear. I pray if I do as she did, that my son will never truely "leave" my heart or arms. That he'll always come back to them for a quick hug. <br /><br />But today? Today I still get to kiss away his hurts and comfort his tears. I get to be the one he runs to. And I'm trying to cherish it. I want to be his everything, but I know I can't be. So what to do? Pray. Pray hard. I pray for his heart and soul and life daily. I pray that he will come to know the one who can always hold him safe. When my arms don't reach, or aren't enough, I pray he'll trust his Heavenly Father who will always be there. And I'll hold him tight, while I can.<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlsNDOPbsgTcxfSdUsltgdSkoGM6bhv8rLWOAPFKdLiwTwjLMZvGLB-JMcsXZsKoGYVXv52eFcJF7Qbz0l1Kux9gYbEChw75VcKb4wkZHfNhvp8_wbYkejznyrNlg3A4F4zcnI/s1600/IMG_5241.JPG"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlsNDOPbsgTcxfSdUsltgdSkoGM6bhv8rLWOAPFKdLiwTwjLMZvGLB-JMcsXZsKoGYVXv52eFcJF7Qbz0l1Kux9gYbEChw75VcKb4wkZHfNhvp8_wbYkejznyrNlg3A4F4zcnI/s400/IMG_5241.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5667234777833878754" /></a>Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04244168219810648256noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7784622.post-30360767876543041592011-10-21T17:09:00.002-05:002011-10-21T17:38:42.826-05:00More Faith (and some ranting)In all my thoughts and writing about faith, I've still been pondering over and over again how it works. <br /><br />Because I've watched so many people say "We believe God will do this!" and then guess what? He doesn't. So then what? I don't think I doubt God in those situations, because we do NOT always know what He will do. So then I tend to think judgementaly and wonder how much these people were actually listening to God and what they know about Him. (Note: this is not a right attitude on my part. One of those, gotta walk in those shoes situations where I should never open my mouth.) <br /><br />Here's the major revelation I've had today. Okay, just kidding, it's not major, but it kind of clicked in my head a little better. <br /><br />~I can have faith and say "I firmly believe God CAN do this." I guess you could argue it leaves a loophole to allow God to work either way, but in my mind it kind of works like this. I will choose to believe God will do this if He wants to, so therefore, He CAN do this. But I will also have faith in His sovereignty that if He chooses NOT to do this, that He is still sovereign and as long as my faith is in HIM, not the circumstance, then it's correct faith. Clear as mud? I guess where I've been having difficulty with the concept of standout faith, saying "we believe you will do this God" is the question of is it really faith if I'm telling God something? So yes, it can sound wishy-washy to say "We believe you can do this God, but if you choose not to, we still trust you." Because then really, are we having faith? I'm not sure, so I'll give an example. <br /><br />I've shared fairly openly that we've prayed for several years for a different job opportunity for Andrew. Not out of discontentment of his current job, but the fact that it isn't very well paying. At all. And thankfully God continually provides in many ways and we've tried to be very, very careful with our finances and not have too many luxaries in the past years. Anyway, in order to continue to well, live, something has to change. Yes, I could go to work, but childcare really? And frankly, I actually don't like the idea of paying someone else all I'm earning to raise my child. Because I wouldn't make a lot. I'm just not skilled in "high-demand" areas. Anywho. <br />Several times in the last year or two Andrew's had job interviews that would cause us to leave where we live. Including one we're waiting to hear about. Now, we love our town, our church, and especially our dear friends who have become family. But anytime we ask people to pray about a job opportunity we kind of expect a few of the comments that come. "I'm praying God provides a job closer so you don't have to take this one." That's the jist anyway. Guess what? I don't agree anymore. Andrew's tried again and again to find work in this town. It's just never panned out. So guess what? How about praying specifically for US to know God's will, not assuming that you do? Maybe it's not God's will for us to stay here and doing so would make us out of His will and miserable. I'm about to rant, because it bugs me so. I believe it's God's will that we pay our bills. So unless you have a job offer up your sleeve, DO NOT pray against what could be God's way of letting us walk in obedience. <br /><br />So that's where it turns to faith. If this is the only job that will provide for our family right now, as evidenced by being the only job offer on the table, how much do we have to pray about it? Because frankly, I do think God moves through circumstances. Now, if Andrew gets the job offer and suddenly it becomes VERY clear he should not take this job no matter what, that's a different matter. But to ask us to turn down a higher paying job when there are no other feasible options available just because you want us to stay in this town? Guess what? That's not God's will, that's your preference. And not a very smart one. I hope you'd never advise your children that way. <br /><br />Now, to not sound so harsh, let me say this. Here's a way to pray "Lord, we are so thankful for this job opportunity and if it's your way of providing then we pray that it would be offered. If it's not what you have then we do pray that you would provide a very obvious job to them in this area if possible and soon." That's an honest faith-filled prayer that allows God to work while still asking for what we'd prefer. <br /><br />So, we're praying in faith, and trusting that God is going to provide. He's never failed us yet. We're ready to take the steps of faith. So I pray hard that this is going to be God's way of providing. That this much goodness from my Lord is possible right now. I've learned over and over in the past few years that our lives will never be easy, but that does NOT mean that God will not bless us. It may not be the way I want all the time, but He never says don't ask. So yes, while it may be God's plan for us to be living for every breath and penny, it may also be His plan for us to breath a little easier. Who knows? But I can certainly have faith no matter what. And pray for the big blessings.Bethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04244168219810648256noreply@blogger.com1