Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Love Conquers Fear

Why do we fear? What do we fear? What is fear really?

Just some profound thoughts for your Tuesday. If you thought I had the answers you are now disillusioned. Because, get this now, I am fearful at times. I'm not sure if it's a personality bent or something that comes with age and responsibility. Although I remember as a kid being incredibly fearful of Alice in Wonderland and weird-colored cats. Dude, that movie had issues. I remember being fearful of being kidnapped and of monsters in the dark (Which on a farm wasn't so far off-base. You never knew when a random cow/horse/cat/dog/goat would appear and scare you halfway across the pasture). But somehow, as a child, you knew in general you were being silly. That you could trust Mom & Dad to take care of you as much as possible and Jesus had the rest covered.

Now? As an adult? Mom & Dad may actually still take care of me in some ways, but they're not there in the middle of the night anymore. :) And somehow things to fear become more real and conrete and threatening.

This economy hasn't been all that gracious to anyone. We all worry about the goverment and the money running out. We worry about our jobs, housing, groceries, and in these frigid days, heat bills. We worry about our health and health insurance and dogs eating stupid things and vet bills. We worry about, well, a lot.

But when does worry become fear? And aren't both of them sin? I'll say yes to that one.

There's so much I could say about fear, but I will say this, what I'm learning these days as I'm facing fear head on in so many situations, nd running like a coward at times, God's still there. Last week I had just such a day. A day when fear overwhelmed me and I literally, for the probably the first time in my life, didn't know what to do. I now understand those who say fear can be paralyzing. Because I knew that life must go on, but I was too afraid to let it. And, like He always does, God faithfully reminded me who's got it covered. Specifically with this song on the radio:

And I was overwhelmed by God's immense love and care for me. No, the fear doesn't just dissappear. That requires prayer and trust and fighting the evil one who is the father of lies and fear. But I was overhwelmed by the knowledge that God really does want what is best for me. No, He doesn't enjoy pain and suffering and hurting. He may use it for His glory however. But overall, God wants joy for me. In Him. All the time.

So no matter the fearful thing or situation today, know this: God's still there. He's got this. If you only trust Him with your whole life. His love has fear beat before the battle even begins.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Days Like This

I always have to be careful when I complain about a day. Mostly because complaining is not God-honoring, and because if I say it was "the worst day" I'm forgetting February of 2010. I don't think much can top having your 9lb baby poked with an IV, put on oxygen, and ambulanced to the hospital.

All that being said, Today was not a fun day. It started last night with Levi being up most of the night with a nasty cough and congestion. We rocked, we cuddled, and we tried vainly to sleep. With way too little sleep we were up for good at 7am. I made him an appointment with the Dr. just to get checked out since we were planning on being gone for the weekend. About a half hour before that appointment I was busy in the kitchen and he was playing in his room. Bothering the dog mostly. I heard him start crying and assumed the dog had given up on him and made him mad. But he kept at it so I went to look. (warning for weak stomaches) His mouth/face/hands/bed were covered in blood. NOT GOOD. I rushed him to the bathroom and started wiping to figure out where the blood was coming from. Nothing, nothing, nothing. Ah, mouth. And then I saw his tongue. About halfway back there was a gash that literally made me gag and wonder if his tongue was still attatched. I called the Dr.'s office and they said just keep your appt and we'll check it out. Ok. It finally stopped bleeding and when we finally got to see the Dr. he said since the skin was missing and it was the mouth, no stitches. Ugh. Gross. Seriously nasty gash. I try not to look at his mouth.

By the time we got home around lunchtime (after stopping to buy stain remover) I was ready for the day to be done. I know there will always be crazy ridiculous days, but seriously? Maybe they are for my own benefit, to be reminded when we have "boring" days to appreciate them.

Oh, and the dog had nothing to do with the injury. The best guess I have is Levi was actually trying to crawl over his safety rail into his bed ('cause he's part monkey) and slipped and came down on his chin with his tongue out of his mouth. Dr. said it was definitely his teeth that inflicted the damage. So Dexter's safe to all you who wondered. :)

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Hope for Today

I've been thinking about Levi's first weeks/months of life lately.
And yes, he's toeing the line a little less and behaving a little more. But we're also praying, really hard. I believe it works. I'm praying to remember I want his heart softened and not just his actions fixed. It begins in the heart.

I've been remembering how different his first few months of life were, since at 36 weeks he was getting ready to come home after 17 days in the hospital, not still growing inside. He was such a peanut. Still is for that matter. Takes after his daddy that one. It's so crazy to me to think of how little and "frail" he was at that age. My 5 pounds of love. And now? He's 23+ pounds of strong will and silliness and craziness and good snuggles and wonderful hugs. And a love for all things outdoors and puppies. If you would have asked me then, as we just prayed that he'd pass his carseat test, if I could picture these days, I would have said No. I hoped for them, but I couldn't see beyond the immediate "let's just get him home" feeling. Or the lack of sleep at night.

We only had hope. Hope that someday we'd have a feisty big boy on our hands. Hope that we'd make it through each day, each feeding. Hope that someday, someday, those days would be just a memory. I remember telling a nurse "Merry Christmas" and her having the next week off. That I wouldn't see her again until New Year's. And then she said "but maybe you won't. Maybe you'll be home" I couldn't fathom it would be possible, and it wasn't, but it was just a few days after that. I simply had hope for each day.

That's my rambling point tonight. We don't need hope for a lifetime, just hope for today and tomorrow. I have hope for Levi to someday be an amazing man of God. I pray for it. But today, today I hope he'll choose to obey and glorify God that way. Today I hope that I'll learn to have grace and train him well.

Psalm 42:11
Why are you cast down, O my soul,and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.

What are you hoping for today?

Thursday, September 08, 2011

Send Him with the Carnies

It was suggested to me when I commented on not having much to blog about that I blog about guts and eyeballs. Which makes me think of either halloween or butchering animals. Both of which I have no desire to discuss.

So, instead I'll tell you that I'm at the end of my mothering rope. I'm at the end of myself. Which may be just where God wants me to be. I'm not sure. But it's not fun. We've had everything we know about parenting challenged by this boy. Which leads us to our knees, and extra kleenex on my part.
I'm reminded to not just try to control his outward actions, but to pray for a broken heart and understanding of glorifying God and pleasing Him. On both our parts.

It's been such a hard couple of weeks and days especially. I even threatened to send him with the Carnies at the county fair a few weeks back. But tonight, as I moaned and groaned to a friend, I was struck by the fact of what good was it doing? Was I changing Levi's attitude by being so defeated by it? Nope. Not so much. So, I'm going to try to buck up and remember something I said not so long ago. It's only a season. If we are effective and can use discipline effectively, the intense "will this ever get better" minute-by-minute horror I feel will eventually get at least a little better. So I need to pray, and pray hard. And be very consistent.

Also, any and all prayers would be thoroughly appreciated. And any large boxes with air holes received with your return address will be taken as a clear sign you want a little boy to visit for a while. :)

Monday, September 05, 2011

Be Still and Know

Know, Know What? Well, the verse says "Know that I am God."

It's been a busy weekend, we were up visiting some family and actually got to leave Levi with Grandma, Grandpa, Great Aunt & Uncle and have almost a date. A date that involved helping friends unload a trailer/vehicle into their new apartment and then dinner out. It was nice to just talk to my husband on the way back. We shared our hearts a little more than normal time allows. And it was good. And in that, I was touched. By the reminder that with how much my husband loves me, My Abba God loves me more. And he wants my heart.

To be still. And know who He is.

I've done a super bad job at the still part lately. I've been so busy just trying to cope with what God is doing and somehow trying to see His hand, that I keep missing Him.

Sometimes, and definitely just sometimes, but sometimes I need to just be still. Let God come in His quiet way. And even if no giant revelations hit, I need to be still. And know who He is. That He's in charge, and I am not.

So that's it. No more words about this. Because it is that simple. Be still.

Thursday, September 01, 2011


To lighten things a little bit around here, let me share these cute faces:

Notice the toy drape OVER his arm. Someone was ready for naptime before Mommy was apparently.

And a duck foot will take the place of Nuky I guess.

Below was an attempt at lunch. He was having none of it. But he was pretty dang cute in the process

That's all the cuteness for now, mainly because we've been having a somewhat rough week discipline wise. Some days you really feel like 2 steps forward, about 5 steps back. Diligence huh?

One disgusting moment of laughter for all of you strong stomached folks. Levi came and found me late last week and kept saying "goss, gooosss" (translation: Gross) I asked him what was "gross" and he just kept saying it. I did what any smart Mommy would do, I told him to go tell Daddy. Which he did. As I followed him into the room just as Andy swung him up onto the bed, I realized what was "gooosss". Poop, running all down his leg. Caught him just before he hit the sheets. Whew...Should learn to listen to the kid huh?