Tuesday, January 31, 2012

To My Baby Girl...

Dear Baby Girl,
You're making your presence more and more known everyday. Your flips and kicks have been there for a while, but lately I'm realizing just how big you're getting. My ribs have become your newest entertainment. Your Daddy has laughed when you literally make my stomache jump with your movements. Your actions seem much more distinct than your big brother's were. He just moved a lot. You move a lot and are very accurate with your kicks/punches. :) It hurts sometimes, but I wouldn't trade them for the world. I love knowing you're there.
Mommy's been feeling a bit anxious lately. You see, you've been in my belly for 24 weeks now, and to the medical world, that means you now have a 50% chance at viability if you were born today. It scares me. I want you to stay warm and cozy and growing for at least another 10 weeks. 12 would be amazing. But more than anything, I want you here safely no matter what. So if something were to go wrong at say 30 weeks, well, I'd rather you come at 28. Daddy & Mommy have been talking about what it means to trust God fully for your life. That He knows exactly the number of your days, both in my womb and out of it.
Psalm 139 says:
15 My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.

Jesus knows exactly what you look like kicking around in there. He knows the number of days you'll stay there, and Lord willing, the number of days you'll have on this earth learning and growing. But Mommy still gets scared.

Yesterday was the due date for your twins siblings that have already been given-over to Jesus. Mommy didn't know how to feel about it. I miss them like crazy. The pain of their loss still hurts at times. But yet, I have you. God knew about you when He took them home to Him. He knew that you would fill my belly and my heart.
Some people say to be thankful Jesus took them because if He hadn't, I wouldn't have you. But I think you and I both know it doesn't work that way. Jesus' plan is perfect no matter if I have you or not. I'm thankful Jesus took them because He's sovereign, I'm not. He knew the perfect plan. Isn't it amazing Baby Girl, that your siblings work on earth was done so quickly? Jesus knows all our days, and theirs were so few, but so complete. God had a great work for them, that continues to be at work, in my heart if no where else, but they were done.

But you Baby Girl, I pray daily that your work may take a little longer. :) That you are meant for this earth. For me to snuggle and love and teach and yes, discipline. I pray that the fighter spirit you've already shown will one day be used in a mighty way for Jesus. That the Holy Spirit would be in total control of your life and you would grow to be a mighty instrument for Him.

I pray that you are in fact, My Redemption Baby. Some people would call you a rainbow. I choose Redemption. I pray God will use you to redeem the tears and grief we've shed.

I love you Baby Girl. So much already. I'm so excited to meet you. Your life is so precious to me.


Friday, January 13, 2012

Something New

So right now I'm sitting in the recliner pretending that even the small movement of using my fingers to type doesn't hurt. But it does.

I come from a genetic background of bad hips. I'm okay with this. Except when my love of bicycling hurts. And being pregnant hurts. The irony? Even having a c-section with Levi, your hips still start to spread way early. Your body just does SOME things right and naturally I guess. Even when other stuff gets screwed up. But I digress.

This pregnancy? I swear my hips started loosening the moment those two little pink lines showed up. And with our goal of no bedrest, I've been trying to not overdo on everything. So when going to the gym leaves me aching for days, I needed a new solution. Enter My Husband. He knows how to swim. Not just to keep himself alive either. Like he can swim to the other end of the pool and back and back and back. Without stopping. For air. That thing I love. So between him and my chiropractor who also swims and is now teeny-tiny, I was receiving some let's say persistent suggestions to take up swimming. So off we went to find me some goggles that would NOT leak, otherwise, I quit right now. Thankfully we have a newer sports store in town that carries some nicer stuff. So with those and a nose-plug (Call me a dork, but I seem to not have been born with the capability to plug off my own nose internally. Which is not very helpful when you're trying not to drown.) I was set.

Monday we hit the pool. I am slow. I could use a 1-piece suit so my belly doesn't show. No worries, it's a tankini, more modest than most 1-pieces, but it does ride up a bit underwater since it's not a maternity suit. Ah well. Andrew was very patient and gave me some basic pointers on stuff like breathing every so many strokes, and other stuff I don't remember. I did pretty well. Okay, I looked like a elephant trying to paddle, but I didn't drown and I left feeling like I'd worked out. A little weird since you're not all sweaty and your muscles take a while to make you realize you've done some work, but it's a workout nonetheless.

So today I go by myself to swim some laps. Now on Monday I managed to mostly make it the length of the pool without pausing for air. Granted by this point I was GASPING for breath, but at least I wasn't blocking traffic or anything. I'm not sure if I was trying to go faster today, or going slower, or just not breathing right, or baby had just taken up residence in my diaphram, but it was not pretty. I'd make it about 2/3 or 3/4 of the way down the pool, at which point I suddenly realized I was dieing for air and better hussle. At which point I start looking even less graceful and basically drag myself to the end of the pool where I then gasp for air for the next 2 minutes at least. It was not pretty. At all.

This blog was so not going to be about me swimming. But it suddenly is. Because today I either 1. pushed it a little too much 2. Definitely don't have proper form, or 3. Worked muscles hard that usually don't get it. Any one of these would explain the very nice ache I now have in my back, shoulders, neck, arms. But hey, my hips feel pretty good. :)

Friday, January 06, 2012

7 1/2 years, 300 posts

So my track record for posting at least once a week isn't great over a 7 1/2 year period, but if you subract the 2 years of almost relative silence, then it's a little better. :) The average hits 52 posts a year then, perfect. Almost. Anyway.

This post has been staring at me for about 4 days now. 300 just seems so significant. Like I should have something monumental to say. Like this is it. Like Someday I'll look back at post 300 and wonder why I didn't use it to say something more significant. But really, it's just a number. What if I hadn't paid attention to the post #? What if I had just posted about everyday life as I usually do?

I was reading back over some posts from the years, specifically the first year I started blogging. And I was cringing, and laughing, and nodding my head. I was so young, (I know, I still am), but really, I was so young. In mind, heart, and life. But when I read those words not only do I remember some of the mistakes and heartaches my young self made, I also read the words of a girl who wanted to trust and serve God with her whole heart no matter what. I can spend time thinking about how far I had to go, or I can look back and see how far I've come. I had so much to learn, I had so much to learn about God, who He was, and especially about His grace. And that's the thing I'm so thankful for in 7 1/2 years and 300 posts, God's Grace.

And my husband. :) There's a comment back in there, about some of my college days, by this guy named Andrew, and little did I know in 2 years I'd be married to the guy. I never could have dreamed. And I'm glad I didn't know. I've made a lot of mistakes in 7 1/2 years. But marrying that Andrew was never one of them. God's grace is so evident in our relationship, and I'm so thankful for His and Andrew's grace and patience with me over the years. Not just in winning my heart, but in living life with me.

We've come a long way since this blog started. Ironically the blog address "lifeandbeth" was suggested by a guy who I was friend's with, and almost broke my heart in many ways. But even in that God used him to show me Andrew, and what I could have there someday.

I heard this song on the radio this evening, as I was preparing supper for my husband of 5 1/2 years and my 2-year old son, with my pregant belly carrying our baby girl getting messy in the process. A life that's known sorrow and grief and the loss of babies. And this song just seems to fit.

Faith isn't something you have and then watch God move. Faith is something you have and do AS God moves and breaths in your life. This isn't foolproof doctrine. It's just a realization I'm making in my journey towards understanding faith. The biggest lesson? It's a lifetime process.

So I can only hope and pray for another 300 posts to this blog. Full of evidence of God's grace in my life. And that I let Him work. That's my prayer. To look back and see a life submitted to God and following hard after Him. No matter how many posts come and go.

A life of Faith. No matter what.