Where's Your Faith?

I'm going to share some deep parts of my heart, so please handle with care. It's necessary, after yesterday's sermon.

Last summer, (think 80 degrees, sunshine, bike rides) Andrew and I were discussing when to add to our family. Keep in mind that Levi was a miracle baby, from conception 'til, well, now. I took a test on a Wednesday morning. Imagine my shock when not one, but two lines appeared. I yelled at Andrew to come look, and we laughed. God had shown Himself as a God of miracles. Well, that was my claim, which He is, but well, you'll see.

Fast forward a few weeks, we finally shared the news with our families and close friends, right before I had my first check-up. We bought Levi the cutest shirt that said "I may be little but I'm the big brother" We went to that first check-up. We saw a little peanut and a heartbeat. We took our ultrasound picture home and starting sharing the news. The shirt helped a lot. :) It was fun. I was worried, I knew the risks, the extra risks we faced, I knew. But I hoped and prayed. After all, this was God's miracle right?

Problems started exactly 2 weeks later. After a day and a hard evening I ended up talking to my dr. She scheduled to see me right away after she got out of surgeries the next day. I couldn't find a baby-sitter so Andrew came home to be with Levi. I went in. No heartbeat. Our baby had been gone over a week. I didn't cry in the office. She talked, I listened. She was amazingly compassionate. I just came home numbly. Told Andrew, and then I lost it. We told our parents, I posted this blog post.

I'm not attempting to relive this pain, although I guess I am. Here's where I'm going. God had performed a miracle, I had gotten pregnant by His power alone. There was no other explanation. So if I had clung to this miracle of conception, why didn't He prove Himself in allowing this child to be born? My immediate reaction was right, God was still God, not in spite of this, but even because of it. But as time went on, I experienced such a struggle to find the joy.

Fast-forward again to yesterday. God convicted my heart in a sermon from John 4:46-54 A father simply wants his son healed. He hears about and visits Jesus. He literally commands the Creator of the universe to heal his son after Jesus addresses the crowd and tells them, unless you see signs and wonders you won't believe. Focus Jesus! He seems to be saying. Jesus speaks, and says your son is healed. And he was.
Now here's the rub.

Do I believe in miracles or the God who performs them at times?

You know, if you've been reading, that life is hard right now. I think some of it in my heart is for this reason. I tend to demand God to provide. He will give Andrew a better paying job, He will give us more children. But here's the thing. God is still God even if He doesn't. I've been waiting for God to overwhelm us with the way He will work. That He will miraculously provide, we will have quadruplets or something, and then we'll say "Blessed be the name of the Lord" But He actually doesn't always work that way. Job didn't say "Blessed be the name of the Lord" at the end of the book, he said it as he was sitting in sackcloth and ashes and mourning his lost children and life. He didn't bless God only after he had all restored to him and got some answers. He did it in the sorrow. I assumed if I blessed God in my sorrow He would deliver on these other things. He may, He may not. What matters is where is my faith? In the miracle? Or the one who may do them?

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
I'm not promised to see the evidence of my faith here on this earth. We may never have more children. We may struggle financially our whole lives. Or we may have more children and we may struggle a little less. Either way:

"The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD."
Job 1:21