Mercies in Disguise...and Apology

If any of you are still reading my blog, thank you. :) I have some more of my heart to bare with you, so thank you for sticking it out. It's been a long road. You've read as I've walked through the valley, and at times, am still. You've listened to my grief and my pain. My joy, my reflections, and my simple stories about my little boy. Those may be my favorite. I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately, and I've come to realize some things.

I went through some normal grief and some not so normal anger and despair. Maybe it is normal. What I do know though, is it wasn't right. Grief is right, God tells us to grieve. But my long anger and longing were not. I will say this, God can handle my anger and sadness. I've talked about all this before, so I'll skip to the point.

3 days from now would be my due date. In reality, if this baby had lived, we'd probably already have delivered, a long time ago. I've spent time in the last 8 months going "I'd be this far along" "I'd be feeling the baby" "I'd be in maternity clothes" etc...
This was not right. By my longing for what I didn't have, and what wasn't to be, I was effectively telling God "YOU SCREWED UP!" And He didn't. That baby was not God's perfect plan for us. No matter what, the miscarriage and loss of our child was God's perfect plan. I was not willing to submit to that, even months later. I wanted to believe it, I wanted to say it, but by my longings I was denying it's truth. And so, my pride in myself that what I wanted was best was sin.

So I ask for your forgiveness, those of you who have walked with me and read about it all. Or even just you who are joinging now. I was wrong. Never ever mistake that I think grief is sin. I don't. Grief is needed. But my pride in what I wanted and refusal to see God as working out His perfect plan was sin. I now repent and ask your forgiveness if I have at all portrayed God as less than who He is. Please forgive me for my lack of trust and faith.

I still struggle. But I pray I will continue to humble myself and proclaim that God has the perfect plan. That He is perfect and has never given me more than He can help me handle. There are many hard days to come. I will fall and stumble over and over I'm sure. There are still days I cry over our loss. Or fear worse for our family. But God is faithful. And maybe, almost definitely, these are His mercies in disguise.