Naivety

It's hard being a young adult. It seems to me that older adults, even those in their late twenties often see us as being naive. This is not a generalized statement, it does not apply to everyone, so please don't take offense. I will admit to be unexperienced in life to a point. I have never experienced marriage, or the things which come after that. I haven't experienced a lot of things. Some are good, some are bad.

But I have experienced life to this point. I've experienced far more than I wish to at times. I've made choices that certainly were not right, and were far above my age and innocence in learning about. I've been hurt by people, by love even. I've lost and missed people. I no longer feel innocent to the world. I miss being four. 4 year-olds have it so great. They aren't in school, and all they have to do is play. They're old enough to play by themselves and with friends, and young enough to still sit on mommy and daddy's lap. They still run for hugs and kisses, and are still amazed by the world. They see the world through huge eyes that can't wait to see more.

I'm not saying I've been disappointed by the world, but oh to go back to the days when life was so new and fresh. I see the pain and hurt in the world, in my friends, in myself. I see misguided relationships, I see love hurting, I see dreams die, I see hurts caused, and I see life happen.
But I also see life. I look back and see the many joys and wonderful adventures I've had.

I remember riding my bike for the first time down the driveway by myself. I remember reading my first book. I remember memorizing my address and phone number. I remember my first "AWANA" plaque, and being so proud that my dad came to see me presented with it. I remember switching churches, and making new friends and learning so many new things. I remember my first baby-sitting job. I remember my first time at camp. I remember finally being old enough for youth group. I remember my first crush. I remember my first good guy friend. I remember my first time traveling across country to camp in N.Y with the youth group. I remember my first job, and how excited I was. I remember my first summer living in N.Y. at camp. I remember my first missions trip to inner-city Chicago. I remember my first cross-country plane trip. Flying to another summer in N.Y. all by myself. I remember being sweet-sixteen. Finally realizing that life was speeding up with each year. I remember barely passing my driver's test, and then choosing to not be at home but go see friends. Sorry Dad. I remember starting college at the age of sixteen. I remember it as my first real day of "school". I remember spending more time with my friends, and less time at home. I miss you mom. I remember my brother going to college, where he would meet his fiance. I remember starting my senior year of high-school. I remember applying to Moody Bible Institue. I remember receiving my rejection letter while standing in the door-way of my grandmother's hospital room as she barely held onto life. I remember walking away to cry alone only to be followed and hugged by my pastor. Thanks for being there Pastor Jeff. You'll always be my pastor by the way. I remember driving to Alexandria with Tracy and Anne for the first time. I remember a great week spent in Chicago, and God planting the seed for missions, and for my move to Alexandria. I remember getting lost trying to get home from Alexandria. Sorry for scaring you Tracy and Anne. I remember praying to find our way home, and then getting out at a gas station for directions and meeting former students of Anne's dad and a guy that had worked with my cousin. All while 5 hours from home. I remember knowing that God still works miracles. I remember graduating. The tears, the joys, the memories. I remember packing up my boxes, and my childhood as I prepared to move into my own apartment. I remember the first drive from home to my new home. I remember thinking "I'm now an adult" and then wanting to drive back and be held one more time by my parents. I remember burning many meals, paying rent, and cleaning. I remember the struggles of being my own adult, and the joys as well. I remember coming home at 3am just because I could. And then knowing the next morning at 7 why adults don't do that. I remember visiting California with Nicole. Thanks for the great memories darlin'. I remember quitting school, because marketing wasn't for me. I remember the faith that living off of $20 involved. I remember searching long and hard for my first full-time job that wasn't to be found. And then God dropping the perfect one in my lap. I remember having breakfast with Anna P. , and her being very blunt and asking me why I wasn't pursueing missions. I remember deciding to go to Bible college to pursue missions. I remember deciding to move back home for the summer, and the heart-ache of leaving my friends. I remember applying to Bible College, and finally being accepted. I remember very well working 60 hours a week, 7 days a week just to save money for college. I remember the joys of this summer, the pain, and the friendships. I remember saying good-bye. I remember hearing that Jenn and Matt were parents, and the joy of knowing Jenn's dreams were coming true. I remember finally knowing that I was pursueing a life and degree that would finally be what was for me, and what would serve God. I remember.

So even with the loss of the innocence that I want back, life has provided so many joys. And if I'm naive, well I trust that life will afford me some more experience. I simply pray today that I will be spared unnecessary pain. I pray that God will allow me to make less painful mistakes, in order to get the important choices right. I pray for protection for my heart, but I also pray for vulnerability. I thank God for the adventures I have had, and I pray for more. I pray that I will always be amazed by God's creation, and will continue to see life through a 4 year-olds eyes. May we always see the wonder of who God is, and what He has done. Oh I know, you've been hurt. You don't see how you could look out of what may seem "rose-colored 4 year-old eyes". I do, give it to God. Allow Him to hold all of your "remembers". Allow Him to hold your past, present, and future. Allow your Abba, your daddy, to hold you.

So I pray for more remembers, and for the grace to be naive.