Randomness

As I read back over my last post it struck how utterly random it really is. I learned the ASL sign for random the other day. It involves taking an open hand and drawing it across the front of you while closing it into a fist. In my mind this symbolizes taking a whole bunch of things or thoughts and drawing them together to make one. That's just my opinion mind you, but it seems to be fitting of my last post. It's funny the things and people which make up our lives.

I was reading someone else's blog today and it spoke right to my heart. He's a pastor and he was talking about how his blog is his place to be sad, angry, happy, basically just be himself. He's very well known now, and you can access his blog here. I will warn you that he is very candid at times therefore, the language is not always the cleanest to whatever standeards you have. But it's worth taking a second to stop and ponder what he has to say. He gets lots of feedback and that makes it even more interesting.

As you can tell from my last post I'm looking for you to comment on my posts. Sometimes I wonder if Tracy and Mom are the only ones who actually read Forever Seeking Weakness. This is not to guilt trip you, but simply to say that it's kind of scary to think that only 2 people read my blog. But it's also comforting. I sometimes forget that real live people are actually going to be reading this. It's easy for me to get to close to stepping on someone's toes, or to be far to open about what's going on in my life. I'm always scared somebody is going to read what I write and decide I'm suicidle or that I'm not a very good Christian because I have times of doubting. I know where I stand with God, but sometimes I forget that what I write isn't always read the right way. I also have to be careful about what I say because I do know my grandparents read this. Hi Grandparents!

All that to say that I'm doing ok. I just choose to take this time between classes today to ponder blogging. As I've said before, I definitely do not share all of my heart on here. I share very few pieces in fact. A lot of that is protecting other people's privacy, as well as my own. A lot of things happen regarding other people's lives that I do not talk about even though they impact my heart and life.

For this moment however, I will. I know my roomate Holly doesn't read my blog, simply because I haven't told her about it. So therefore I feel a little more free to talk about her right now. If someday you do in fact read this Holly, know that I love you, but I'm sick of you being on the phone. That sounds very much like a mom yelling at her 13 year-old daughter to get off the phone. In reality the situation is simply that Holly has a very serious boyfriend named Ben whom she talks to A LOT. He lives 2 hours away and so they spend a lot of time on the phone. She calls him to wake him up in the morning, he calls during her break in classes, she calls him during lunch, he calls during his afternoon break from work, he calls after he gets off work, she calls him before dinner, he calls after dinner, they talk a lot in the evenings, and they talk until one of them falls asleep. We simply have different views on what's healthy in a relationship. If I talked to anyone on the phone that much I'd feel smothered. And frankly, last night I was sick of my friends not feeling welcome in my room because she' s always on the phone. I was trying to study and they were having somewhat of a disagreement and I had to leave to get some sanity. Charity even thought Holly didn't like her because she never talks to her. Granted Holly doesn't know very much ASL, but still. GET OFF THE PHONE! I'd like to be able to come into my room and talk to my roomie, not my roomie and her boyfriend on the phone.

Now I will justify all that by saying that I'm very glad they have each other, I'm not jealous, and I love my roomie very much. I'm just sad that I don't get to talk to her that often.
There, that's something personal for you to chew on for a while. Something that also frightens me is that you will bring up some silly thing I said on here to me when we talk face-to-face or over the phone. In some senses I look at this as being my safe place to say whatever I need to, but then I forget that people are actually going to read it and draw conclusions off of it.

Oh well, I'm me and this is what I have to say. I feel like I'm stuck in my writing. Not just on here, but my other writing. Yes, I do more. It's like all I can blog about is my boring everyday events. Where did all the profoundness go? Where is my creativity? I feel sorry for you, this is not very creative. I try to at least make it interesting. I feel as though somehow my own personal style of writing is getting sucked up into the idea that I need to write as worthwhile as other people. That I should be able to captivate audiences instead of simply being real. But for now, all that is happening is that this post is getting longer and longer, and I'm getting less and less homework done. So I'll sign off, and for the sake of leaving you with even more boring information I'll tell you this.

I'm still a teenager. I only have about 9 months left of being a teenager, but today I feel like I'm 13 and starting all over. Why you ask? Because I have a huge zit on my forhead and I'm very self-conscious about it today. Charity told me I was beautiful last night, which involves circling your face to make the sign. It made me laugh and I signed back "no, I feel gross". Which I do. So there. There's some self-consciousness to make you remember that I'm not mature all the time. I too have times of not caring that God thinks I'm beautiful, but simply wanting to put on my jammies and go back to bed. I think I need some rubber duck pajamas. They would be cute.
So today it's all about the randomness. I will stop being so self-consumed for 2 minutes and say that I hope you have a wonderful day and that squirrels still rock.