Playing Hide And Seek With Myself

As kids one of the greatest games we always play when we had at least two people was hide and go seek. And if you had 3 or more it was even better. Get a group of 10 cousins or so and you had the makings for a great game.

Lately I feel as if I've been playing hide and seek with myself. It seems as though I've been lost and don't know where to look to find me. Do I even know who me is anymore?

But God has been faithful as always. He's gently reminded me that I am His daughter, a child of the King and therfore a princess. I am a Princess. Not simply the Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, or Cinderella kind, but the real one. I know how horrible the story of Guinevere, Arthur, and Lancelot is said to be at times, but I still love it. Growing up and watching the "Knights of the Round Table" as well as reading some of the books pertaining to it, I loved the story. I always wanted to live back then, and get to wear the gauzzy dresses, veils, slippers, and tiaras. Somehow if life were real though I imagine I would be a farmer's daughter no matter the era. But regardless of that piece of reality, my favorite character was always Lancelot's wife, Elaine. I even liked her so much that as a kid I named one of the real live cows that I claimed as "mine" Elaine. I know, pretty cheesy. Regardless of how much Guinevere was supposed to capture us as the heroine Elaine was and still is my favorite.

As a child I simply saw her as beautiful and very graceful. She was quiet and meek, and even then I could tell how much she loved Lancelot. You can read a little piece of history about her here. Now as I look back on it, and for not having seen the movie in a very long time I still remember the story quite well. I can see how much she really loved Lancelot. She loved him with all of herself. Some say she loved him so purely that he was not deserving of her love. I thought this as well as a kid. I thought it so unfair that Lancelot would love Guinevere who was already married and not see what a wonderful bride he had right in front of him. And for heaven's sake don't marry her if you're not going to love her. This brings to mind a very hard thought, was Elaine better off being married to someone she loved with her whole heart who would eventually be unfaithful, and was unfaithful always in his thoughts, or to be in love by herself and never be married to him.

Alfred Lord Tennyson himself wrote a poem about Elaine entitled "The Lady of Shallot". This poem is quoted and "reenacted" in "Anne of Avonlea".
I'd like to quote a little piece of this great poem if I may.

"And sometimes thro' the mirror blue
The knights come riding two and two:
She hath no loyal knight and true,The Lady of Shallot."

Tragically, the story of Elaine has a sad ending. Some say she died while giving birth to her son by Lancelot, Sir Galahad. Some say she died of a broken heart when she saw and realized her beloved Lancelot was unfaithful. I always wanted to cry when Elaine and Arthur died in the story. It was such a tragic waste of two lives.
"The Knights of the Round Table" is a tragic story of two people (Lancelot and Guinevere) destroying not only their spouses but perhaps an entire kingdom and legacy with their selfishness.

Now lest you think I cannot live in real life, I can. I simply wish to ponder a lesson from this story. Elaine gave all of herself to Lancelot, because she loved him. I'm not here to make comparisons or draw analogies about "LOVE". I'd simply like to say that I think Elaine was a much better picture of a princess than was Guinevere. I loved Guinevere for her strength and for her name as well, but I loved Elaine more. She was the picture of true and pure love and sacrificed it all. She wasn't a princess, but I like to think of her as such.

So back to my main point. I am God's Princess. And someday I will stand before Christ as such. Not as the imperfect human being I am, not a princess of Guinevere's or Sleeping Beauty's like, but of the Bride of Christ.

For today, I have found myself again in Christ. Sometimes it's hard to let go and focus on God. But as I sit writing I hear Gianni playing a beautiful piano piece by Lorie Line and thank God for never letting me go. I had lost myself, but God has never lost me. I lost myself because I had forgotten to talk to the one who is my identity. I wasn't letting go of things He wanted me too and letting myself simply be His Princess.

I love Fall. I love the crispness in the air, the rain that falls, the smell of leaves and the chill in the air, the promise of twinkle snow and Christmas, and the way it makes me stop and reflect. Something I haven't been doing enough of lately. I've been so busy and tired that I've let myself be discouraged. God has reminded me of who He is and therefore who I am in Him. And so tonight as I go dress in dark clothes with my new "Pillsbury Sophmore" T-shirt in order to go play a crazy game with the rest of the student body, I'll do it with a much lighter heart. I have so much to do, but I have a lighter heart to do it with.

I choose to write again, not because I MUST update my blog, but because I remember that I love it. There are times I need to do things because I have to, but this blog needs to be fun and enjoyable. I need to write because of my love and passion to do so.

I don't know if you can understand, but I thought I'd share a little of my thoughts from the last 24 hours. I have remembered I have a heavenly tiara, and maybe I'll invest in a real one to remind me of who's I am. Perhaps I'll also post "The Lady of Shallot" on my wall to remind me to invest myself in what is right as well.

I'll leave you with this thought however.
Once again God has reminded me in a rather unsubtle way that I must have forgiveness and give it to be able to be used by Him, that I must serve others, I must take care of my relationship with Him first above all else, and that I must give all of me and all that I have to Him. For if I hold on to it, I will draw away from Him.
Have a wonderful fall evening, and don't forget to be the Prince or Princess God has adopted you to be.