The Story - Blessings

As Promised, a good post for today. This is what we shared with our church family this morning. After several months, we needed to share. It's a long read but one I believe is worth it. I hope it blesses you and encourages to let God work in your life.


Do you know what a Great God we serve? That our God is full of grace, overflowing with mercy? We want to share a bit of that grace and mercy at work with you.

I think almost all of you know the general story surrounding Levi's birth. It was not a totally routine pregnancy, and the last 9 weeks were anything but typical, resulting in his early and miraculous arrival at almost 34 weeks.

I think many of you may know we found out last September that we were again expecting. Considering all the prayers surrounding Levi’s existence, this seemed to be a total miracle from the Lord. Then at less than 8 weeks our baby’s heart stopped beating and we learned it was gone. I won’t go into details except to say this was very hard for us and I struggled for several months just to maintain “normal” and not sink into depression. God was merciful AND gracious and taught me so much through that time. And the Lord and my husband were both so very patient with me.

We were told not to let this miscarriage keep us from having more kids and we purposed to do so. I learned to just pray for hope. After such a battle of accepting God’s will, I just prayed that He would give us some hope to go on. Not just hope to have another child, but hope to conceive again, hope to get through each day.

On May 7th we again learned we were expecting. I immediately saw my Doctor for confirmation and continued to do so every week to make sure everything was going well. We heard the heartbeat several times and could even make it out beating on the screen. On June 10th we celebrated 5 years of married life. It seemed so right to celebrate and was a much needed time.

And in my heart I prayed and prayed. Not just for this baby to live, but for God to prepare me for whatever He had. That no matter what happened with this pregnancy, that He would be glorified, and that I would be totally submitted. Not just to the good in life, but to His Will.

On June 20th we went in for our weekly checkup. This time, the baby did not have a heartbeat. Closer examination proved that there was indeed no heartbeat. But there was also a surprise. There was not 1, but 2 tiny, miniscule babies on the screen. But neither one had a heartbeat. After so many more prayers, we were facing more death and loss. The doctor, I think simply instinctively, called our babies “products of conception” when describing the next steps. I immediately corrected her. They were babies. I know the medical terminology says embryos then fetuses, but we firmly believe they were alive and had life. That from the moment of conception our children had souls and were eternal beings. But it was true that they were gone, and the next day we said good-bye to our little miracles.

I have cried, I have grieved for sure. But here’s the thing, I didn’t feel the despair of the first time. Not just because we’ve been here done that, but because God has answered my original prayer. I had prayed for hope; hope that we would have more children. And what did He do? He gave us 2 little babies. No, they didn’t live. But that doesn’t have to lead to hopelessness. Because I did and do have hope. I choose this time, instead of despair, to immediately give my grief to God. I still feel anger, rage even, but I immediately turn it over to the one who can handle it. I choose to firmly believe in my heart that God’s plan was perfect. Because that is the truth in all of this; that God knows exactly what our family is supposed to look like. These babies were not His perfect plan for us on this earth. But it was His perfect plan for them to be conceived. These losses were not mistakes.

This did not mean that we don’t grieve. I still cry. I still weep at certain songs. I could go on and on and share so much of my heart, but what I really want to share is this. All Glory Be To Our God. The night we learned of our babies’ death, I didn’t sleep much. I cried, I prayed when I could find the words, but most of all, I leaned wholeheartedly on the Lord. God hasn’t walked with us through this, He has carried us. Psalm 34:15 says “the Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Like I said, I have grieved, I am brokenhearted. But I am NOT inconsolable. The first baby we “gave over” to the Lord (I Samuel 1:27-28) it was such a comfort to me to know our child was in Heaven and experiencing no pain. A dear lady shared with me this picture. Here on earth we pray so hard that we will be able to introduce our children to Jesus. But someday, my child (children) will get to introduce me to Jesus. That is an amazing balm to my heart. God knows. This time, I was so comforted already that our babies were safe, that I almost didn’t dwell on that. They were fine, they didn’t need me anymore. Instead, we talked a lot and asked ourselves, “What does God want to do with this?” Basically, what is He trying to accomplish in us and others through this? And will we let Him? I remember in one late night talk with Andrew saying “I don’t want to waste this.” God is doing something in our lives and I don’t want to waste this opportunity. So when I say All Glory Be To Our God, I mean that.

I don’t want to waste this grief, this pain on myself. It’s taken me a while to be willing to be open enough to share about this. We didn’t get to share the joy of the coming babies with many people, and we didn’t immediately share the grief. But we do want to do what I said, not waste this. If we can’t share our grief, and what God is doing, then why go through it? Yes, there are personal struggles, but if I truly believe in the body of Christ, both in this congregation, and in the world, and I believe that we are knit together in Christ, then I will share both my joys and my heartaches.

And so, here is our heartache. We don’t know where we’re going from here. But we do know this, God does. We have not been promised an easy life. The idea that once we trust Christ all will be rosy and ok is a lie from the devil. We will have burdens and sorrows. Christ said in Matthew 11: “Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." The thing is, we do have a yoke and even burdens at times, but with Christ, it will be right. Faith doesn’t make it hurt less, it’s still painful. But faith makes it worth it.

Another thing we’ve learned is to not compare trials. What we’re experiencing isn’t necessarily worse or easier than your life. It’s just ours. I have a friends who lost babies full-term and friends who are waiting to bring their children home. Is their suffering any harder? I’m not sure, because it’s theirs.
God has a different story for each of us, and I just pray that we will be faithful to what He is doing and that we will not waste any of it. Real faith isn’t just asking for something different, it’s submitting to what God has, and embracing it.

Philippians 1:6 says this “And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” We may not see the completion on this earth, but someday, we will be totally complete in Christ. And I firmly cling to this promise in Psalm 63:8 "My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me." God will not fail.
Isaiah 40:25-31
25 To whom then will you compare me,
that I should be like him? says the Holy One.
26Lift up your eyes on high and see:
who created these?
He who brings out their host by number,
calling them all by name,
by the greatness of his might,
and because he is strong in power
not one is missing.
27Why do you say, O Jacob,
and speak, O Israel,
"My way is hidden from the LORD,
and my right is disregarded by my God"?
28 Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.
29He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.
30Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
31but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.”

Most people focus on verse 31 in this passage. I cling to verse 28 and who God is. Because without that, the verses that follow hold no meaning or hope. God does not faint, does not grow weary, and His understanding, His ways, they are unsearchable. God is at the center, not us, not even what is happening to us by Him, it’s not about us, it’s about HIM.

I want to share a song that I heard when I was still pregnant with these babies, and then when we lost them it became a lifeline to my heart. I sang it over and over to myself that first night. I pray that you will see the truth in it and embrace whatever God is trying to do in you today.



And so that's the story. I managed to make it through talking without crying, not so with the song. Because God knows. We appreciate your prayers. We're more than willing to talk about this, if it's a rough day, we'll just tell you so.