So this Motherhood thing, I think I now understand a few more dynamics of it...
A family in our church family lost thier precious unborn baby boy 2 weeks ago. I've cried a lot over that, especially when they made an appearance in church on Sunday. I can't imagine their pain. I do know how close we were to losing Levi, and I can't bear what they must feel. Leaving Levi at the hospital when I was released was awful, horrendous even. To leave your child buried in a cementary, well, there are no words I'm sure. So Sunday I couldn't help but cry through worship as I tried to keep Levi from their line of sight...I didn't want to add to the pain, that we had our boy and they didn't. I should have known they were more gracious and loving than that, but I don't know if I could be, so I tried. Then Levi decided to loudly try to eat his fists so out we went...and then I just cried in the foyer instead...
I don't know if I was crying just for them, or for the pain in general.
I'm learning how much pain there is in our world. More than I've experienced or could imagine. Perhaps that's the reason why older Christian folks long for Heaven so. They've seen all the world has to "offer", and they've seen more pain than we have, and so, they're ready to leave it all. They know that the "joys" that we experience here on earth cannot outweigh the pain, and so they long for the true joys of Heaven/the New Earth/Our SAVIOR. I've often thought about how I don't want to die or for the tribulation to start until I've experience such and such a thing...I'm learning that the things that I look forward to cannot compare to seeing my Savior's face...I'm longing for it in fact. The thought of eternity can make me want to puke sometimes...I should know better than to try to grasp an infinite concept with my finite mind, but I do, then I want to puke. But that aside, I can trust that Eternity must be better than this.
Oh, there are many joys in our world, but today, as I had the chance again to be so thankful for my son's life, don't worry, we made a trip to the Dr., there was no blood, he's fine and I'm not saying anything more than that because I'm too embarressed...I pray for the joy of my Savior.
To know Him in His Resurrection. To have such a love and a longing for my Savior that it shows in my face and in my actions. And if the Lord's will is to be 80 some years old and still longing for Him, that all those who see my fragile body and wrinkled face will see Jesus in me and know that I have a greater hope.
We went to a wedding Saturday, a loooonnnggg Catholic wedding. But one of the songs that we sang made me realize that nothing is of greater importance on this earth than living for Jesus Christ and His glory, and then sharing that with all I know. So if you're reading this and you don't know what I'm talking about, let me tell you. I love Jesus. Not in a "religiously crazy" sort of way, but I love Jesus who is God. I'm a sinful person. I'm not good or kind, I choose to do wrong so often, just ask my husband. But Jesus Christ came to earth long ago and died on a cross (very painful!) because He is the only perfect person to ever live and therefore He alone could pay the punishment for my sins. He was God, I firmly believe that. He was not just a good person, but He was God become man on earth. And so He alone could pay the price for my (and your!) sins. I don't deserve to be saved, I deserve death and eternity in hell. But because of God's love, He sent Christ to die so I could be saved. So He allowed me to choose to ask for forgiveness of my sins, to confess them, to repent, and to ask Him to save me and let me live for His glory. I firmly believe because of this I can spend eternity with Christ. And you can too. But you MUST admit that you sin (do wrong), that you can do NOTHING about it, and that you need a savior. You must humble yourself before God, confess that Christ is God and ask for His forgiveness. God is faithful and will hear you. But it's not just a "prayer that you pray". You must believe this in your heart and say it with your mouth. You don't just pray a prayer and get to heaven. It's a heart and life change. And it's worth it...
Because on my own, I am nothing, in fact, I am still nothing. But because of Jesus, I have a hope for the future, and I have a love for Him. When little babies die, I don't wonder how the parents can handle it, when they are TRUE Christians, I know how. They trust in Christ that He has conquered death and punishment for sin, and that they will see their child in Heaven. And in the meantime, when the pain is to much to bare, they can ask Christ to bare it for them, and He will, and He alone can comfort them and give them strength.
If you are even more confused, please ask me, I've been silent too long. I love Jesus, and I want you to as well. He is my Everything.
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