Honestly...

I've always viewed this blog as more than a daily chronicle of my life, or a diary of my personal thoughts, I've viewed it more as snippets of my walk with the Lord. For anything that happens in my life, physical, emotional, material, they all are a manifestation of the spiritual life that I have and live.
That being said, I'm going to warn you. This is a very honest, very long post. I've been battling spiritually for months now. I'm going to share the inner workings of my heart with you. It's a lot of honesty in one post. If you can't or don't want to handle or share in that, I understand. So leave now. :)

I've shared a little bit about the struggle we had to get pregnant. Now, I don't even pretend to understand what people who have waited years are going through. I don't pretend to understand anything other than what I've experienced. I'm not going to defend my feelings and thoughts or compare them to others. So please don't do it yourself. Okay, moving on:

We tried for about 10 months to get pregnant. Yes, we did discover what the issue was after some time. That didn't necessarily help. I'm not going into whose body was working right and whose wasn't, because when you're married, it shouldn't matter. You are one in Christ and so you both can't get pregnant. Not just one individual person. It's a joint experience. But then again, it was such a deep personal pain I can't even explain it. As a woman, your heart aches, all you want is to bare a child. And you're not. Mother's Day loomed in front of me, I dreaded it with all my heart. God redeemed my tears that day. Not only did I have one of the most moving experiences of my life at Bethlehem Baptist Church that day, but John Piper prayed over us, that our sorrow would be turned to joy, that this day would be bittersweet. And it was, we learned just weeks later that we were pregnant. I now look on the tears of that day with laughter. God knew I had to experience that pain, and he turned it to joy. I will say this. Be careful what you say to anyone. To that single gal in your church, don't ask her when she's going to get married (unless she's engaged of course) She probably wants to be with all her heart and it hurts. Don't ask the couple when they're going to have children. You don't know the pain of their hearts. Don't say "Well you don't have kids so you don't understand" They're not stupid, they may have more common sense about children than you do in their one pinkie. Yes, these were all things said to us...anyway...

It was a relatively uneventful pregnancy. I did have placenta previa which is when the placenta is over the cervix and usually causes some heartwrenching bleeding. We had to commit that pregnancy over and over to the Lord. I kept saying "this is your child, but Lord, we'd really like to keep him here a while". Well, it looked like things resolved themselves. The placenta moved and I got bigger and bigger! I think in my deepest soul I knew things wouldn't be easy. I wasn't feeling the things some people said I should. The baby was "rolling across my belly". Now I know why, he didn't have the room! Basically there is an extra wall in my uterus which kept him breech and in only half of it...You may know the story of this baby's birth, at 34 weeks I had been in the hospital for 3 weeks or so never knowing if we were having a baby that day. The baby never showed signs of distress, but my water had broke, I'd have some contractions, and I had a lot of blood. Somehow, again, in my deepest soul I knew things were going to be okay. At 33 weeks 6 days, Levi Nathaniel entered the world crying his lungs out! He weighed 4 pounds 10 ounces and was 17 3/4 inches long. I was dreading a huge 9 pound baby full term. Instead we got half of that. But he was beautiful. He was perfect and oh so tiny. He didn't look like a preemie, he just looked itty bitty. We spent 17 days in the NICU with him. While he grew, learned to regulate his body temperature, and grew strong enough to learn to eat.
3 days after Levi was born I was released from the hospital. That was the worst day of my life. We were an hour from home, I was in constant pain from major surgery, drugged up to try to help that, and we were leaving our baby alone in the hospital. Andy had to go back to work the next morning and then I'd really be alone...we had to go grocery shopping that night so I'd have something to eat that week. I won't even go into the details of where I was staying except to say God was faithful and some of my angels unaware took such good care of me...In the grocery store that night, we passed a Momma cooing to her baby girl in the grocery cart. I immediately burst into tears, because I didn't have my baby with me. Here I am in the milk section sobbing away. My poor husband, he didn't know what to do so he just hugged me...
Well, to sum it up, that was almost 6 months ago. Levi came home after 17 days only to return to that hospital by ambulance exactly 6 weeks later due to pneumonia and RSV...5 more days and we came home for the second time.

Now, let me say this, as painful as all this was, GOD WAS FAITHFUL. Even when I was all alone holding my tiny baby, I wasn't alone. We had so many friends and family who helped us in ways I can't even describe. God blessed us beyond what we could imagine. And I knew in my heart that we'd be okay physically, but emtionally, well I was a mess. I clung to God's promises to be strong when we are weak. Because really, I couldn't even remember much scripture. I couldn't sing, I could barely pray. All I could do was sit and wait for my baby to get stronger. The prayers of many faithful saints and God's strength were what kept me going. When I had no prayers, many others did for me. But still, I cry, because it was SO hard.

I think I've struggled ever since then with a thought of "Really Lord?!" I've come to terms in my head with what happened, and with all the blessings through it, and with the fact that this may be what the future holds if we can have any more children. But in my heart I've been crying "Really Lord?! How much more can we handle?!" Because not only did we have the emotional issues, we had physical medical bills showing up everyday. Let's skip the explanation and just fast forward to today shall we?

Levi is almost 6 months old. We have many bills still. Now, we are blessed and have been helped so much by more people and things than I can even share. But still, here we are, Levi's healthy, growing so well that you wouldn't know he was early, and yet, I'm still plagued by his birth. I still cry in church and I don't know why. I think overall I've lacked the faith that carried us through...

When we were trying to get pregnant, this song became my lifeline:

Phillips Craig & Dean - You Are God Alone
From the album Let the Worshippers Arise

You are not a god Created by human hands You are not a god Dependant on any mortal man You are not a god In need of anything we can give By Your plan, that’s just the way it is

Chorus:
You are God alone
From before time began
You were on Your throne
Your are God alone
And right now
In the good times and bad
You are on Your throne
You are God alone

You’re the only God Whose power none can contend You’re the only God Whose name and praise will never end You’re the only God Who’s worthy of everything we can give You are God And that’s just the way it is

Repeat Chorus

Bridge:
Unchangeable Unshakable Unstoppable That’s what You are

Repeat Bridge
Repeat Chorus
Repeat Bridge Out

The chorus of that song was my hearts cry, "In the good times and bad, you are on your throne, You are God alone." It sure seemed like a bad time, and when I became pregnant, it was a good time, and God had done it.

Levi is a miracle baby, and that should have been enough for me. I should have rejoiced in God's blessing and undeserved favor, and been glad and said "You are God alone." But my heart lost that song, and I have been more and more incredibly frustrated.
Frustrated by being stuck inside waiting for him to get healthy. Frustrated that while the bills kept coming, the income kept getting smaller. Frustrated that while God proved big enough to keep our baby alive, He didn't seem to be big enough to provide a better paying (well paying) job for my husband so I wouldn't feel guilty about staying home with Levi. Frustrated with myself, for being so ungrateful. Guilty for feeling that we had been given so much by so many when all this was going on, but I was still going, where are you God? Frustrated with my husband, with myself, with the crying baby, and with God...I really think I was depressed, but I wouldn't let myself believe or accept it, because what did I have to be depressed about? My baby had lived! He was getting healthier and stronger while other parents dealt with loss or even worse, a handicapped baby to take home. But Grief has no prerequisites...and I've been grieving and holding onto my sin for so long. I've known God has been calling to my heart, saying, "come back Child", but I've been denying Him and choosing to live in my hurt and sadness. And I've been trying to hide it. Because when you're a Christian, you don't admit that you're struggling. Or if you do, you do it after you've conquered it. Heaven forbid that we admit our struggles and ask for prayer and help. But we should. We should be honest and open and share our pains and our burdens and our hopes and our joys.

I pray that today is my turning point. I pray that this teaches me to be more honest.

I broke out in hives 2 days ago. Had to go to the ER because even my throat was getting closed up. And all I could think was "Really God?! Another huge bill?!" Yesterday they came back, worse than ever. Back to the ER we went. "REALLY GOD?!" I was even scared that my beloved patient husband would resent me. Now I wonder if they were from the Lord, to get my attention.
I didn't even want to go to church this morning. I was tired, full of meds to try to get them under control and oh so sleepy...But I went, because it's so hard for me to skip church. I guess the Holy Spirit still had some influence in my heart.

Today in church we sang this song:

Salvation belongs to our God
"Salvation belongs to our God
Who sits upon the throne
And unto the lamb
Be praise and glory
Wisdom and thanks
Honor and power and strength

Be to our God
Forever and ever
Be to our God
Forever and ever
Be to our God
Forever and ever, amen

And we the redeemed shall be strong
In purpose, and unity
Declaring aloud
Praise and glory
Wisdom and thanks
Honor and power and strength"

And then this afternoon I read an article that talked about miracles. Levi was a miracle. I figure we're pretty knowledgable about God's power. But then, this line in the article struck me:
"This is the miracle. 'He who believes in me will never die.'"

And I was humbled. Because I haven't been strong. I haven't declared aloud praise and glory to our God. I've complained about our very meager finances. I've blamed my amazing husband for not providing more. When really, God must not be releasing him from his job, or us from this town. He still wants us here. He's big enough to save Levi's life, why wouldn't He be big enough to provide more, unless it wasn't in His plan to do so?
Salvation belongs to our God, forever. Amen.
Amen means roughly "Let it be so" At least that's what I remember back in my brain from childhood. And that should always be the way we think when we end our prayers. Alright Lord, I've asked, let it be so. But I don't pray or live with that kind of faith. "Faith," says A. W. Tozer, "is the gaze of a soul upon a saving God." I have lost my belief (at least in my actions and heart) that to our God is honor and power, glory and wisdom and strength. I've chosen not to trust in a Saving God. Instead I've asked "Really?!" Essentially instead of asking the horrible "why me Lord?" I've greived that He hasn't been more powerful. I Know in my head and heart that any grace that we receive is more than we deserve, but in my heart I've been asking for more grace than He's chosen to give me right now. I've been selfish and prideful. And it hurts. too much.

Levi has the frustrating habit of grabbing the pacifier out of his mouth and then proceeding to cry until someone rescues him and replaces the pacifier that he's clinging so furiously to back into his mouth.

I'm like that. The very thing that will soothe my soul I pull out and then cry for. I push the Lord away and don't trust Him or acknowledge Him and His power. And then I cry about it...

Something I read today:
"Praying for the impossible works best when I see me small and God big. When I get over inconvenience and get excited about His glory. When I delight in His attention. When I —
Stop.
And turn to Him."

So today I pray for release. To release my bitterness and hurt and distrust. And to choose to trust and give glory to the Lord. To Him who sits upon the throne. Because really, that's what it's all about. It's not about me and my inconvience. It's about His glory. I can't promise I'll remain faithful. I pray I will. I'm sure there will still be more tears and hard days ahead. Days when the bills are more than the income, days when Levi is showing his sinful nature, days when I dishonor my husband and my God. But I pray that I'll continue to learn to trust and say "Yes, Lord." Rather than "Really?". A friend who's had a preemie told me once that we have to come to terms with our children's births. For each story is their own and the Lord's plan. Levi's birth was crazy and stressful. But it was miraculous too, and it was his own. His story is just that, his, no one else's. And I pray that the events and grace of God will only be used for His glory and perhaps, to one day bring my little one to a saving knowledge of Christ. And maybe, to do big things with his life that was saved, Lord willing twice. That's my prayer. That through my heartache, my son will grow to know and love Christ.

"For the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to give strong support to those whose heart is perfectly towards him." 2 Chronicles 16:9a