The Rain...

You may have noticed I once again changed the background to my blog. It's sort of a frequent thing for me. Especially now that blogger has more options. Some people could care less what their background is, not me. To me, it's very, very important. It's symbolic. It should reach out to you. Make you think. Make you feel.

For a while now it's been a black background with warm sparks of light. Because it was the best I could choose in mourning. I decided Friday I needed to change it. I searched and searched and searched. I even attempted to pull a photo of Italian scenary from the internet. And then some train tracks going off in the distance. I was searching for insightful. Dreamful. Some hope or vague thought I had. I couldn't master the internet, so I finally found and chose this one that blogger provided. I liked it, for rain fits my mood lately, but not the mountains, because I don't see mountains out my window. Well, it would have to do.

And then tonight....

I read a blog that's named "Bring the Rain" (www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com) It's also a song by Mercy Me, I'll link later. And I am struck by why God allowed me to choose this background. And I think I'll be keeping it for a while.

I need to be honest with you.

I've been angry. There were days in January especially when I was so overwhelmed with grief and anger and emotions I couldn't handle. I brought them to God. I hid from Him. I didn't know how to handle it, so I just struggled through the mud and murk. I've cried out to God and begged for healing. Begged for help and just anything. I've raged and prayed. I've learned God can handle my emotions, no matter what they are. I was afraid to be angry, I was afraid to say "this isn't fair". Because that would be doubting the sovereignty of God. Which I don't. But yet I wanted to. Because I wanted my baby, and He decided this would bring Him more glory. But I've learned that God already knows my heart, so why should I pretend anything else? So I come to Him, broken and angry and weary. I plead with Him to let me release my anger and to heal. Because I can't. I'm not strong enough. But He is. I won't say I've had a revelation, but I will say this. I'm prideful. I've been all about me. And it's not. It's about Him.

And here's the thing, no matter how dark the day, how deep the pain, how great the anger, it never crossed my mind that God was NOT faithful. To give up on Him. That He wasn't much greater than my pain. That He wasn't the same yesterday, today, and forever. That He would leave. That He was mad at me for hurting.

So here's the summary. I'm still getting there. I think and know there were ways and certain things I could have handled and reacted to much better in this journey. But that's okay. God is faithful. He knew how this path and journey would look. And I'm learning and growing. It's His journey. It's my journey to Him.

I love Jesus. I want Him to be glorified in my life. I don't really want or desire to experience more pain, but I believe I can finally say:


"And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain"



I can't promise that will be my heartcry everyday. If there are more given over babies ahead for us, I will cry and hurt. But I pray I will praise Him. And say "Holy, Holy, Holy, is the Lord God Almighty"

And we will try and hope and pray. Because God has not forsaken us. So Bring the Rain...