The God of Isaiah 40. I know Him.
The God of verse 1 who is a God of comfort. I know Him.
The God of verses 4-6 who deserves all the glory. I know Him.
The God of verse 8 who's words last forever, I know Him.
The God of might in verse 10, I know Him.
The God who gently leads me as a mother in verse 11. I know Him well.
The God of incomprehensible greatness and understanding and strength in verses 12-26, I want to know Him more.
The God of verses 27-31? He is the God who has brought me to this point in my life. He is the God I clung to in the NICU watching my son's every heartbeat on a monitor. He is the God who gave me strength when I had none. Who heard my every heart's groaning when I couldn't even find words to pray. He is the God who loves me, died for me, and knows my heart. The God who wants me to wait, and will give me strength in the waiting, when I have none of my own. I know Him, and I call Him Daddy.
Don't base your view of God as a Daddy on your earthly father. Rather, base your view of your earthly father on God, the perfect Father. The self-proclaimed Daddy (Matthew 6:9, The Lord's Prayer shouldn't be translated Father, but Abba, which means Daddy)who knows my every hurt and loves me perfectly.
I know this God, but not well enough. But I can call Him Daddy. And He hears me.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
While I'm Waiting
I'm not an incredibly patient person by nature. If you know my husband, you will see the irony in this. God gave me to a man who is very rarely in a hurry, who doesn't move real fast, is laid back, and is well, patient. But in being married to him, I've been forced to learn patience. Well, I've been forced to see I need to learn patience. I'm still not very patient.
I was always the kid that played pretend and imagined. I read books after books. I dreamed of "someday" and "somewhere". Good for learning, not so good for my childhood. I wanted to grow up more than anything. I wished aways some days I'd like to have back. I feel as though my childhood sped by so fast. And even as I watch my son grow so quickly, I still feel as though God has grabbed me, made me sit down, and enjoy and grow and learn.
Exactly one month from today, the 10th, Andrew & I will have been married for 5 years. That's crazy, it's gone so quickly, but yet, it's been sooooo long and somewhat slow. I don't know why our lives have looked the way they have these last 5 years, but I do know this. God has used this time to get my attention. While I'm forced to be patient and see, I have tasted that the Lord is good. (Psalm 34:8) Not because He's given me everything. Not because it's been perfect. Not because it's been bad either. But because He's made me wait and see.
So while we wait, I will let go of fear, and I will worship and serve in obedience.
I was always the kid that played pretend and imagined. I read books after books. I dreamed of "someday" and "somewhere". Good for learning, not so good for my childhood. I wanted to grow up more than anything. I wished aways some days I'd like to have back. I feel as though my childhood sped by so fast. And even as I watch my son grow so quickly, I still feel as though God has grabbed me, made me sit down, and enjoy and grow and learn.
Exactly one month from today, the 10th, Andrew & I will have been married for 5 years. That's crazy, it's gone so quickly, but yet, it's been sooooo long and somewhat slow. I don't know why our lives have looked the way they have these last 5 years, but I do know this. God has used this time to get my attention. While I'm forced to be patient and see, I have tasted that the Lord is good. (Psalm 34:8) Not because He's given me everything. Not because it's been perfect. Not because it's been bad either. But because He's made me wait and see.
So while we wait, I will let go of fear, and I will worship and serve in obedience.
Monday, May 02, 2011
Where's Your Faith?
I'm going to share some deep parts of my heart, so please handle with care. It's necessary, after yesterday's sermon.
Last summer, (think 80 degrees, sunshine, bike rides) Andrew and I were discussing when to add to our family. Keep in mind that Levi was a miracle baby, from conception 'til, well, now. I took a test on a Wednesday morning. Imagine my shock when not one, but two lines appeared. I yelled at Andrew to come look, and we laughed. God had shown Himself as a God of miracles. Well, that was my claim, which He is, but well, you'll see.
Fast forward a few weeks, we finally shared the news with our families and close friends, right before I had my first check-up. We bought Levi the cutest shirt that said "I may be little but I'm the big brother" We went to that first check-up. We saw a little peanut and a heartbeat. We took our ultrasound picture home and starting sharing the news. The shirt helped a lot. :) It was fun. I was worried, I knew the risks, the extra risks we faced, I knew. But I hoped and prayed. After all, this was God's miracle right?
Problems started exactly 2 weeks later. After a day and a hard evening I ended up talking to my dr. She scheduled to see me right away after she got out of surgeries the next day. I couldn't find a baby-sitter so Andrew came home to be with Levi. I went in. No heartbeat. Our baby had been gone over a week. I didn't cry in the office. She talked, I listened. She was amazingly compassionate. I just came home numbly. Told Andrew, and then I lost it. We told our parents, I posted this blog post.
I'm not attempting to relive this pain, although I guess I am. Here's where I'm going. God had performed a miracle, I had gotten pregnant by His power alone. There was no other explanation. So if I had clung to this miracle of conception, why didn't He prove Himself in allowing this child to be born? My immediate reaction was right, God was still God, not in spite of this, but even because of it. But as time went on, I experienced such a struggle to find the joy.
Fast-forward again to yesterday. God convicted my heart in a sermon from John 4:46-54 A father simply wants his son healed. He hears about and visits Jesus. He literally commands the Creator of the universe to heal his son after Jesus addresses the crowd and tells them, unless you see signs and wonders you won't believe. Focus Jesus! He seems to be saying. Jesus speaks, and says your son is healed. And he was.
Now here's the rub.
Do I believe in miracles or the God who performs them at times?
You know, if you've been reading, that life is hard right now. I think some of it in my heart is for this reason. I tend to demand God to provide. He will give Andrew a better paying job, He will give us more children. But here's the thing. God is still God even if He doesn't. I've been waiting for God to overwhelm us with the way He will work. That He will miraculously provide, we will have quadruplets or something, and then we'll say "Blessed be the name of the Lord" But He actually doesn't always work that way. Job didn't say "Blessed be the name of the Lord" at the end of the book, he said it as he was sitting in sackcloth and ashes and mourning his lost children and life. He didn't bless God only after he had all restored to him and got some answers. He did it in the sorrow. I assumed if I blessed God in my sorrow He would deliver on these other things. He may, He may not. What matters is where is my faith? In the miracle? Or the one who may do them?
"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
I'm not promised to see the evidence of my faith here on this earth. We may never have more children. We may struggle financially our whole lives. Or we may have more children and we may struggle a little less. Either way:
"The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD."
Job 1:21
Last summer, (think 80 degrees, sunshine, bike rides) Andrew and I were discussing when to add to our family. Keep in mind that Levi was a miracle baby, from conception 'til, well, now. I took a test on a Wednesday morning. Imagine my shock when not one, but two lines appeared. I yelled at Andrew to come look, and we laughed. God had shown Himself as a God of miracles. Well, that was my claim, which He is, but well, you'll see.
Fast forward a few weeks, we finally shared the news with our families and close friends, right before I had my first check-up. We bought Levi the cutest shirt that said "I may be little but I'm the big brother" We went to that first check-up. We saw a little peanut and a heartbeat. We took our ultrasound picture home and starting sharing the news. The shirt helped a lot. :) It was fun. I was worried, I knew the risks, the extra risks we faced, I knew. But I hoped and prayed. After all, this was God's miracle right?
Problems started exactly 2 weeks later. After a day and a hard evening I ended up talking to my dr. She scheduled to see me right away after she got out of surgeries the next day. I couldn't find a baby-sitter so Andrew came home to be with Levi. I went in. No heartbeat. Our baby had been gone over a week. I didn't cry in the office. She talked, I listened. She was amazingly compassionate. I just came home numbly. Told Andrew, and then I lost it. We told our parents, I posted this blog post.
I'm not attempting to relive this pain, although I guess I am. Here's where I'm going. God had performed a miracle, I had gotten pregnant by His power alone. There was no other explanation. So if I had clung to this miracle of conception, why didn't He prove Himself in allowing this child to be born? My immediate reaction was right, God was still God, not in spite of this, but even because of it. But as time went on, I experienced such a struggle to find the joy.
Fast-forward again to yesterday. God convicted my heart in a sermon from John 4:46-54 A father simply wants his son healed. He hears about and visits Jesus. He literally commands the Creator of the universe to heal his son after Jesus addresses the crowd and tells them, unless you see signs and wonders you won't believe. Focus Jesus! He seems to be saying. Jesus speaks, and says your son is healed. And he was.
Now here's the rub.
Do I believe in miracles or the God who performs them at times?
You know, if you've been reading, that life is hard right now. I think some of it in my heart is for this reason. I tend to demand God to provide. He will give Andrew a better paying job, He will give us more children. But here's the thing. God is still God even if He doesn't. I've been waiting for God to overwhelm us with the way He will work. That He will miraculously provide, we will have quadruplets or something, and then we'll say "Blessed be the name of the Lord" But He actually doesn't always work that way. Job didn't say "Blessed be the name of the Lord" at the end of the book, he said it as he was sitting in sackcloth and ashes and mourning his lost children and life. He didn't bless God only after he had all restored to him and got some answers. He did it in the sorrow. I assumed if I blessed God in my sorrow He would deliver on these other things. He may, He may not. What matters is where is my faith? In the miracle? Or the one who may do them?
"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Hebrews 11:1
I'm not promised to see the evidence of my faith here on this earth. We may never have more children. We may struggle financially our whole lives. Or we may have more children and we may struggle a little less. Either way:
"The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD."
Job 1:21
Monday, April 25, 2011
Different Paths of Grace
I'm home. You didn't know I was gone did you? :) Well, Levi and I were, but now we're home. I could cry, in fact I did. I missed my husband soooooooooooo much. For many reasons, of which I will expound. There are lots of stories to tell of the past few weeks and our trip, but right now, I want to talk about us, and missing him.
In case you haven't gathered, it's been a hard couple of years since my pregnancy with Levi, even before as we've struggled financially. Our main struggles have been financial, physical with Levi and our given-over baby, spiritually with church and people and emotionally with all of this and especially the loss of the baby, and that about covers it. We will celebrate our 5-year wedding anniversary in less than 2 months. It's hard to believe it's been that long, but the last 2 years feel the longest. God has brought us through many storms, and I've cried many tears. We've experienced lots of pain along the way, and I think at the time I would have gladly traded all of it in. But not now. We're not even out of the storms and I can say I thank God for them. Our lives are filled with unknowns and chaos, we're praying and trusting God for what is to come while trying not to live in fear.
But here's the thing, in all of this, God has given us grace and brought us closer to Him and each other. There have been horrible even downright awful days. Days when we wondered if our marriage and faith could withstand the winds. I would never wish what we have experienced on anyone, but I do find myself thankful for it. People usually come through hardship either stronger, or just harder. Stronger means you've let God use it, harder means you've hardened your heart and life so much that you don't trust God or people anymore. Strength means you let pain happen and live in spite of it or because of it. Hardness means you forever will live in pain, because you don't let God use it to mold you.
I'm rambling, but what I'm saying is this, you often hear people when they come through a storm speaking of the glory of God and the greatness of God that got them through it. AFTER THE FACT. And if you too sit there and say to yourself "But I'm in pain RIGHT NOW!" I'm here to tell you that it's okay. God sees your pain and is still faithful. I don't have magic answers, because get this, I'm still there. There are days I still wonder what in the world is God doing. But I can say this, I'm in the storm and it's okay. I'm beginning to think that when you are actually living a missional life for God and others, that the storm IS your life. And that it is okay.
God is a God of grace and He is faithful. Those things will never change.
Everyone's path in life looks different. For Andrew and I, it's sticking it out in this town for the moment, because God has chosen us to be in this church, and we intend to stand with it as long as possible. God has chosen us to be together, to have Levi, and we intend to celebrate our family. It's been 5 years, and I would never go back to that first year, because God has protected us and it just gets better. We have become a team, we are not you and me, we are US. We are well, WE. So we're developing new strategies for our team. Our path may not correspond with anyone else's ideas of what it should look like, but we see God in our storms, and He is calling us to Himself in this direction.
So, I missed my husband. It's sort of like missing half yourself, because he is just that. Oh, it's good to get away and "absence makes the heart grow fonder" and all that. But at the end of this day, I'm so thankful to be together again.
UPDATE: I don't mean to sound like we've got it all together. We don't. In fact, we've been having "discussions" since I posted this. But that's okay. Because no matter what, we do love each other and need to learn and grow. Life will never get easier, but we know who our trust is in. God holds us together.
In case you haven't gathered, it's been a hard couple of years since my pregnancy with Levi, even before as we've struggled financially. Our main struggles have been financial, physical with Levi and our given-over baby, spiritually with church and people and emotionally with all of this and especially the loss of the baby, and that about covers it. We will celebrate our 5-year wedding anniversary in less than 2 months. It's hard to believe it's been that long, but the last 2 years feel the longest. God has brought us through many storms, and I've cried many tears. We've experienced lots of pain along the way, and I think at the time I would have gladly traded all of it in. But not now. We're not even out of the storms and I can say I thank God for them. Our lives are filled with unknowns and chaos, we're praying and trusting God for what is to come while trying not to live in fear.
But here's the thing, in all of this, God has given us grace and brought us closer to Him and each other. There have been horrible even downright awful days. Days when we wondered if our marriage and faith could withstand the winds. I would never wish what we have experienced on anyone, but I do find myself thankful for it. People usually come through hardship either stronger, or just harder. Stronger means you've let God use it, harder means you've hardened your heart and life so much that you don't trust God or people anymore. Strength means you let pain happen and live in spite of it or because of it. Hardness means you forever will live in pain, because you don't let God use it to mold you.
I'm rambling, but what I'm saying is this, you often hear people when they come through a storm speaking of the glory of God and the greatness of God that got them through it. AFTER THE FACT. And if you too sit there and say to yourself "But I'm in pain RIGHT NOW!" I'm here to tell you that it's okay. God sees your pain and is still faithful. I don't have magic answers, because get this, I'm still there. There are days I still wonder what in the world is God doing. But I can say this, I'm in the storm and it's okay. I'm beginning to think that when you are actually living a missional life for God and others, that the storm IS your life. And that it is okay.
God is a God of grace and He is faithful. Those things will never change.
Everyone's path in life looks different. For Andrew and I, it's sticking it out in this town for the moment, because God has chosen us to be in this church, and we intend to stand with it as long as possible. God has chosen us to be together, to have Levi, and we intend to celebrate our family. It's been 5 years, and I would never go back to that first year, because God has protected us and it just gets better. We have become a team, we are not you and me, we are US. We are well, WE. So we're developing new strategies for our team. Our path may not correspond with anyone else's ideas of what it should look like, but we see God in our storms, and He is calling us to Himself in this direction.
So, I missed my husband. It's sort of like missing half yourself, because he is just that. Oh, it's good to get away and "absence makes the heart grow fonder" and all that. But at the end of this day, I'm so thankful to be together again.
UPDATE: I don't mean to sound like we've got it all together. We don't. In fact, we've been having "discussions" since I posted this. But that's okay. Because no matter what, we do love each other and need to learn and grow. Life will never get easier, but we know who our trust is in. God holds us together.
Tuesday, April 05, 2011
Beans and Baking
No, I'm not making Baked Beans. Gross...
Here, a little visual for you:
I made a carrot cake from scratch yesterday, cream cheese frosting and everything. Yumm!!
Also, to keep Levi busy while Andrew was walking the dog, I gave him two containers and a bunch of dried beans to play with. After the initial "I'm gonna eat 'em!!" He settled down and had great fun pouring them back and forth. By the time he was done, they were all on the floor, none in the containers. But seriously, kept him busy for over 20 minutes! That just doesn't happen in our house so I was pretty excited!!
Other keeping busy news: Sara, Levi adores all the things you sent! The magnets on our fridge in these pictures are amazing! They are wood like puzzle pieces but they are magnetic. Super cool!
This is my 250th post so you would think I'd have something monumental to say. I don't! :) So here are a few random thoughts for you:
Levi got his second haircut today, I did it by myself! Super Mom! :)
Tropical, I'm dreaming of someplace tropical. For the first time in my life I can say that I'd love to go on vacation to someplace with sandy beaches, 80 degrees and clear blue water. Weird I know. Perhaps these winters are finally catching up to me...
Traveling brings us to June, which will be Andrew's and mine 5th anniversary. Where has the time gone? We are actually going to have a few days alone for the first time since I was pregnant with Levi. (Shout out to Christi, my heroine!) We hardly know what to do with ourselves. If you know of any undiscovered gems in this state for us to visit, let me know!
So, life continues. We're looking forward to visits in the next 10 days from 2 of my best friends and their girls. And Andrew and I will be taking care of 4 girls ages 3-6 for 2 days. Yep, we're crazy. And crazy excited! :)
Enjoy the warmer weather and we'll share more pictures soon!
Here, a little visual for you:
I made a carrot cake from scratch yesterday, cream cheese frosting and everything. Yumm!!
Also, to keep Levi busy while Andrew was walking the dog, I gave him two containers and a bunch of dried beans to play with. After the initial "I'm gonna eat 'em!!" He settled down and had great fun pouring them back and forth. By the time he was done, they were all on the floor, none in the containers. But seriously, kept him busy for over 20 minutes! That just doesn't happen in our house so I was pretty excited!!
Other keeping busy news: Sara, Levi adores all the things you sent! The magnets on our fridge in these pictures are amazing! They are wood like puzzle pieces but they are magnetic. Super cool!
This is my 250th post so you would think I'd have something monumental to say. I don't! :) So here are a few random thoughts for you:
Levi got his second haircut today, I did it by myself! Super Mom! :)
Tropical, I'm dreaming of someplace tropical. For the first time in my life I can say that I'd love to go on vacation to someplace with sandy beaches, 80 degrees and clear blue water. Weird I know. Perhaps these winters are finally catching up to me...
Traveling brings us to June, which will be Andrew's and mine 5th anniversary. Where has the time gone? We are actually going to have a few days alone for the first time since I was pregnant with Levi. (Shout out to Christi, my heroine!) We hardly know what to do with ourselves. If you know of any undiscovered gems in this state for us to visit, let me know!
So, life continues. We're looking forward to visits in the next 10 days from 2 of my best friends and their girls. And Andrew and I will be taking care of 4 girls ages 3-6 for 2 days. Yep, we're crazy. And crazy excited! :)
Enjoy the warmer weather and we'll share more pictures soon!
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