A Time

First of all, thank you to all of you who have expressed your sympathy. That very word, sympathy, is so much more real to me now. One definition:
sympathy: the fact or power of sharing the feelings of another, esp. in sorrow or trouble; fellow feeling, compassion, or commiseration.
I have felt that so much this week. The sharing of our grief. Some of you amazing women have shared your own stories of sorrow and grief. And in doing so, you have given me permission to mourn. I felt a bit of remorse a day or so after posting what I did about the loss of our baby. I felt as though I hadn't given myself any room to fully grieve. That I must always have the right attitude in order to glorify God. I do think anger can be a sin, in certain circumstances, but as someone so bravely reminded me, God can handle our anger. And He can. He can handle my sorrow, my tears, my confusion, my sharp feelings, my physical pain, my feelings of unfairness, my anger even.

And I feel all that. But mostly, because I ache. I ache physically because this whole process was a lot harder than I thought it would be, and I ache emotionally, because now it's just so real. My baby is gone. And if I didn't have the hope of knowing that my child was with the Lord, I couldn't handle the anguish. I had someone challenge my theology of where children and babies go when they die once. I don't know if they still think the way they did then, but I can only say this, God is sovereign, and none of us deserves saving. But even without my selfish pain now, I firmly believe He is merciful and holding all our little ones in His hands. God is righteous and Holy, but I have great faith that my child is with Him.

My emptiness and lonliness has an answer, that I will one day be with the Lord and rejoice that He took my child. For He knows and sees far better than I do what is right and good for my life. So while I ache to hold my child as a Mother should, I know that someday I can truely say that "He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man's heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end." Ecclesiastes 3:11

And I am looking for reasons to laugh and smile and dance. Like the little bundle I was allowed to hold this morning. He is reason for rejoicing. And my son who now crawls and goes up stairs, proof that life does go on. And the incredible thanksgiving I feel for the gift of a friend who loved enough to talk me through and laugh me through the darkest moments. Those things are treasures and gifts worth laughing over.

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die...a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance." Ecc 3:1, 2a, 4.