Clear the Air

So just to clear the air, a few words.
Yes, I had a miscarriage. Yes, I think about it every day, hour, minute, moment. Yes, there are times when I forget or don't think about it. Yes, those times are often shattered quickly by reality and sadness. Yes, I will get past this. No, I don't want to talk about it all the time. No, if I tell you I'm doing good, I'm not lying. I may be using that as a relative term. No, if you ask "really" and I say "really" that does not mean keep digging. No, I do not hate you if I don't open up my heart and soul to you. I may just be having a good day and not want to go any further; I may just not think you really need or want to hear about it. No, we may not be that close. Yes, grief is a very personal thing. Yes, I'm done talking about it for now...

So back to our scheduled blog. My son is currently throwing a fit. I'm rather ignoring it because I told him "No" and he proceeded to freak out. He has been disciplined and now I'm letting him be. Christi, you were right, he just needs a day to get back to his routine and sleep pattern. We've had a whole bunch of girls in our house the past 2 nights. It's been soooo much fun and stinkin' hilarious!! Levi has adored having 5 extra sets of eyes on him at all times. And the new sippy cup and Elmo doll? Amazing!! He's a very loved and blessed little boy. And that's what he is, a little boy. The girls dressed him today. They did an amazing job and he looks like my handsome...umm preppie almost? little man. Not my baby. And I'm okay with that today. Because I've seen the joy older kiddos can bring. And the hilarity that comes from their mouths.

We went swimming at the Y while they were here. Levi was rather scared of the noise at first, but then the mushroom waterfall shut off and he was a little braver. But at first, he just snuggled into my shoulder. Which I loved, because he doesn't do it much. But I made him sit in the water in my lap, and showed him to splash, and he loved it! He loved the little girls coming to splash with him. He loves his bath but this huge amount of water took a little getting used to. But by the end, I had him on his belly and he was kicking his legs and swimming with his arms.
And then, to our surprise, he put his face in the water! All by himself! 3 times!! He loved it until the last time when he got a little too much water in his face. But I was sooo proud of him!!

And so, while my heart is grieving, I've also realized my heart is outside my body. In the form of my son. And I'll never get it back. And that's okay. As I told my new Momma friend in my devo at her shower this weekend, "Your job is to put yourself out of a job" meaning, we're raising our little warriors to let them go and fight for what's right and for Christ. So my heart will never be fully mine. But for now, I'll enjoy the look of wonder on his face as he discovers something new. And I'll prepare to let him go. But I'll always have his Daddy!! And he's my favorite anyway!