To be Held

I think I sounded very melodramatic and depressed in my last post. Not sure this is going to be much different. I've realized I mostly am just having a really hard time trusting God that He's doing the right things...
Which, I have absolutely no right to do, so that whole "What are you doing God?!" attitude is definitely out.

We had our second childbirth class last night, and then we went to the grocery store to buy milk. And then when I forgot my WIC folder, we didn't buy the milk, I was crabby, and the car wouldn't start. You have got to be kidding me!! That was my attitude. We've known the car was tempermental for a while. It's actually just the ignition, it only likes to let you turn the key if you rub it and say nice things just the right way. Well last night it was done, no turning the key. So after many tears on my part, Andrew was a hero and walked home and got the truck to come pick me up. Thankfully we live less than a mile away. Anyway, we're supposed to be driving the 250 plus miles to my parents house tomorrow morning...and there's no way in my 30 plus weeks of pregnancy that I can make that drive in our very bouncy old truck...so I cried a lot.

Now, God is gracious and Andy's former roomate is letting us borrow his little Saturn to make the trip. So 1. It gets great gas mileage. 2. It's a stickshift, so it'll be fun to drive. But unfortunately 3. It's teeny tiny, and I'm not...enough said.

Basically, my attitude of gratitude is lacking deeply right now. Doesn't God know that we don't have the money to fix our car?! Doesn't He know that Andy can't take the time off work to go get the car towed home this afternoon? I know, He does know this and His answer is obviously...chill...I've got in under control...

These really are minor things, and we do have AAA praise the Lord, so the towing should be free, and we are blessed with friends who take care of us. But really,
I'm discouraged. I shouldn't be, I should be thrilled that our son is growing stronger everyday, that soon, I'll be holding him. That I have an amazing husband who I DON'T DESERVE who is soooo patient with me and loves me unconditionally. Not a lot of women can say that.
Yet, I dwell on the negative. And I let my emotions rule me. And I'm scared. Scared of how God's going to make it work, scared of what the future is bringing.
And yet, God is gracious and keeps giving me songs to comfort my heart.

"This is what it is to be loved and to know that the promise was that when everything failed, we'd be held..."

"Sometimes the way is lonely and steep and filled with pain, so if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then cry to Jesus, cry to Jesus, Cry to Jesus and live.

"We'll give thanks to You with gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessd beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or in need
And if You never grant us peace ...
But, Jesus, would You please ... "

So I'm going to cry, and ask God for His mercy and grace that I don't deserve to sustain me, and I'm going home to my Mommy too! :-) And really, God is gracious, I'm just discouraged. And I know He can handle my honestly. And He loves me anyway.

AND, HE GIVES US SNOW!!! IT'S SNOWING!!! What a reminder of His cleansing forgivness.
I have a lot to be thankful for, most of all, a God who loves me and holds me when I cry.