With Hope?

I love that this YouTube video doesn't show the lyrics or other pictures. Because we probably all have our own visual.

For Me? My tiny baby safe in Heaven with my Savior. Who else could I ask for to watch over my little one?

But I do continue to cry "With Hope". Because grief is a process, one that I get the feeling is not complete until I die or Christ's new Kingdom has come. The first few lines of this song are so true. Even though I never got ot meet my baby, I had so many plans and hopes for the future. This was our second miracle baby. Levi was a miracle that he was conceived and that he lived. This baby was a miracle to be conceived. We were shocked, our little surprise. So why would God take that joy and miracle away? I think when I first wrote about the fact there was no heartbeat I said we wouldn't ask why. Well I was wrong. But I'm no longer asking why but simply grieving. I'm crying and missing my baby.

I was given a great book this week. "I will hold you in Heaven" Rememberance Book. And it has been a balm for my soul. At the same time it has opened up the wounds. Because in the joy and thankfullness of remembering Levi's birth and enjoying Christmas at home, I pushed aside my grief. I didn't have room to be grieving over two things. And so when I picked up this book, the wounds were opened and the tears shed. Because it validated everything I was feeling. That it was okay to hurt even though I had so few weeks of hoping for my baby. That my child is an eternal soul and it's okay to grieve.

Our culture as a whole belittles life. Any life, all life. But especially the unborn. Just another lie of the devil I suppose. So when you talk to a woman who's lost a child (and you will, we are many) remember that she desperately needs you to understand the value of what she's lost. A child. A human life that she was supposed to hold.

So I'm grieving. But I am healing too. It just doesn't look like I thought it would. But that's okay. Grief isn't pretty, it can be ugly. But it can also be beautiful. Because Beauty comes from ashes. God promises that.
Isaiah 61:3
To console those who mourn in Zion,
To give them beauty for ashes,
The oil of joy for mourning,
The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;
That they may be called trees of righteousness,
The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified.”

So while I cry with hope, I also trust that Beauty is coming. It already is. But I must also mourn. So it's a process, one that the depths of my soul is involved in. And hardly anyone is allowed access there. So I'll keep blogging, but it may be slow as evidenced recently. The heaviness is there, but someday, there will be beauty.