Yeah Right

So last week we purchased a "training collar" aka shock collar for our wonderful mischievious little dog. It's still in the mail and last night I was having second thoughts about the need for it, he hadn't been too naughty the last few days. Yeah right, maybe because we'd both been home and taking him on hour long hikes every day. As I write this I just rescued my pajamas from his jaws and he's perched on the chair trying to jump up to the table to get the slippers I set there for "safe keeping"...Yeah, he's a good dog alright, who needs some serious obedience training. Maybe it will come today.

In other news, it's kind of hitting me, we're having a baby! Duh, I know, but with every renewed kick in my belly, I'm reminded of God's goodness. It had kind of become normal to be expecting a baby, I had kind of lost the wonder of it, the miracle in it all. More so than the normal miracle of birth. We prayed so long and hard for this baby, we weren't sure God was going to answer that prayer with a yes, and when He did, it was amazing!! I never want to lose the wonder of that. For months I cried and prayed and was stretched beyond any faith I myself had, to come to a point of saying "You are God, I am not" Which is exactly where God wanted me I'd say for sure. I'm not saying it works this way for everyone, but when I had come to the end of myself, for several months mind you, and really said, "okay Lord, whatever you have for us, If you can be best glorified in it being Andy and I forever, then great, not just okay, but praise the Lord! If you are best glorified by us searching your face for years for a child, and then grant that wish, Praise the Lord! If you never grant us a child, Praise the Lord!"
That was when God could use me, and when He gave us a child. It was not immediate, but it did happen.
It's so easy to type those words now that I have a life growing inside of me, but I truly pray that even if I never get to keep this little boy, that I will say that with all my heart, Praise the Lord!
I have been given the privilege for several months of carrying this life and seeking God for the strength to do so every day. I know now that we can have children, and that we have a lot to learn along the way. But I never want to lose the wonder of realizing that God had said "Yes!" And the miracle that is our little boy who is growing every day regardless of what I'm doing, that is God, and His unfathomable love for His children. We don't deserve to have a baby, we don't deserve any goodness from God's hands, we only deserve His wrath, so I treasure this blessing even more. I pray that every kick will remind me of God's love for me, a sinner, but a redeemed child of His, I don't deserve any of it.

I think of being a mother like I now do of being a wife. Beforehand, I had no idea what I was getting into, but I knew this, I was supposed to marry Andrew, He was the one God had for me. He taught me more about the Love of God and the glory of God, and I knew that I could bring God more glory by being married, specifically to Andrew. And I pray that I have. I have learned and grown and been stretched in more ways than I could possibly imagine, and in ways I never would have as a single person. And isn't that the point of marriage? Not for my own benefit or pleasure, but to bring God glory?! Although, to quote John Piper " God is most glorified in us, when we are most satisfied in Him." And I find my satisfaction in serving my God by serving my husband. And it brings God glory.
So I pray that it's the same for motherhood. I'm not a total fool, I know there will be hard days, when I'm so exhausted I can only cry and reach out to the one who made me and this baby, but I know too that I will learn reliance on God in a way I never could have imagined, and I pray I bring Him glory in that.

This video I saw about a month before I got pregnant, and it was the cry of my heart, but it also echoed the hope I had that God was faithful whether than meant having a baby, or not.
I think so many people who have never struggled to conceive don't understand or grasp that utter pain it can bring, or the questions that have no answers. This song portrays that so well.