Christmas Is A Time For...

Tears.
No worries, Baby Girl is fine.
But tears nonetheless. This amazing day has always brought me to tears, ever since I can remember. I remember standing outside on the farm on cold, snowy, starfilled nights as a small child just in awe and amazement of all God had done on Christmas. Even then, I grasped it. As much as we can.
And today? Today I heard a story on the radio, and a little boys voice who had just lost his baby calf, and he was encouraging all those who had lost ones they loved to remember all God gave us in Jesus, and that He had loved His son, but sent Him to die for us. He knows our pain and tears.
Tonight Levi and I were mixing up some cookies, and I couldn't help but cry. Because I remember. I remember a Christmas Eve 2 years ago, when Andrew and I finally had to kiss our tiny boy goodnight, and go find some food. We left a hospital and headed out into the festive streets just trying to find someplace that was open. We finally bought frozen pizza at the local Walgreens which was miraculously still open (I know, Chinese, duh, but it didn't occur to us in our sleep-deprived state). We took it back to the homey but not home guest house by the hospital and ate frozen pizza then watched a little Christmas TV and drug ourselves to bed. It was an amazing Christmas, being parents for the first time, but the hardest ever. I just remember feeling so ALONE. Wanting to have my baby safe and sound in my arms at home, not hooked up to monitors and all swaddled in plastic walls. No family near due to circumstances, just us, with our tiny boy, and lots of nurses.

And so I cried tonight, in pain for the loneliness I felt then, for the sorrow and emptiness I felt last year after losing our next baby, and for the simple hope I feel this year in our baby girl kicking in my womb. And I cry for all those who are shedding tears of sorrow during this joyous time.

Hear this: I am SO thankful for Christmas, and I love it. But the reality of the day and the sorrow that Christ was born for are so real to me. When I think of the loneliness I felt that Christmas, I can't help but think of Mary & Joseph, all those centuries ago. Mary, so very pregnant, ridiculed by her community, "knowing" glances following her, Joseph, taking on a stigma and title that didn't have to be his, traveling oh so far from home, all alone, and then in a cold, wet, stinky rock shelter giving birth to a blood covered and probably cold baby. A Baby born to die. They welcomed Him to the world all alone and probably terrified. But the Angel said "Peace, Be Still" not just to the shepherds, but to their hearts. They had a trust in God so big. They probably didn't know what the future would bring, that their baby would one day die a cruel death for my sins, and all those who would trust Him. But they trusted, and prayed.

So tonight, as I shed tears for our hurt, and for yours, and with gratefullness for the Babe who came to die, to be rejected by man, I pray healing for your heart. I pray that you will recognize that Christmas is only the beginning of the story. Jesus came, we are so thankful for that beauty, but He came to die, and to rise again, to defeat death, so that when we shed tears of sorrow for those we have lost, and for the pain, that there would be hope.

If something happens to Levi tomorrow, if he is gone, I have hope. I have hope in a God who didn't stay a Babe, but defeated the grave. I have 3 babies I will see again someday thanks to Jesus. I can shed tears of sadness, but I can have hope.

I love you Jesus. Happy Birthday. Tell my Babies I love them.