It's been a while. :) But lately I've had so many thoughts and lessons running through my head and life that I know must be written down. Not out of obligation or duty or the need for responses (although I love those!) but out of a deep need to not forget what God is doing in my life. And always, I think and process better when I write it down.
I wrote a great post the other day, a serious one, about seeing God in the suffering and sharing a new Shane & Shane song I discovered and many other deep things. It contains this paragraph, which is where I pulled the title for this post from:
"Romans 8 says this:
'24 For we were saved in this hope, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what he sees? 25 But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance.'
Look to what is unseen. WAIT for it. With perseverance."
I've been struggling daily, sometimes hourly lately with a situation in my life and heart. I'm struggling with the feeling/thoughts/conviction about some choices I'm making or have made that maybe others don't agree with. This is vague but I prefer not to share details. Basically though, it comes down to what I believe most mothers/people with struggle with at least once in our lives. For me, probably yearly. What is my role? You read Proverbs 31 and you read of this amazing woman who cares for her family and brings income into her home. You read blogs about utilizing your time as a stay-at-home Mom and helping your family out with the finances while caring for your family. You have friends who's every post on Facebook is evidence of their success in this area, about the money they are bringing in or the lives changed or the success won.
And me, I feel like I'm not doing enough. I'm an incredibly competitive person by nature, and so especially when I feel like someone is doing something I should do, or do better, I get a nasty ugly feeling in the pit of my stomach. And I have a very hard time saying that it's the Holy Spirit. :)
The rub is that I would LOVE to write a book, or update my blog daily, be "famous" in the blogosphere, be wildly successful in an at home business that allows my family to run off to foreign countries and have lots of fun toys. I'd love to decorate a house to my exact tastes no matter the cost, to hire someone to sew designer clothes for my family (because I have given up on being a great seamstress at this point in my imagination), to be known for cooking amazing dinners, etc... And while I think some of these things are so good and so attainable, I'm also desiring relief from the pressure I put on myself.
Romans 8 grates on these desires. Because they are MY desires, born from my sinful selfish flesh. That does NOT mean that for everyone these things are wrong, but the simple act of taking a photo of my children on my phone and immediately posting it to Facebook has convicted my soul. Why do I do this? Is it to share in the joy that I believe is my children? Or is it more often than not to brag on some accomplishment they are doing? Or to make others feel like I'm such a good parent because I took them such and such a place and did something fun with them? Is it to gain recognition as a Mom who's with her children? To be the fun or smart Mom? To share that my child must be super smart or super athletic or super nice? What's my motivation?
I "don't" care about your motivation, that's up to you and God and your husband too. :) But I'm so devastated by my own prideful and competitive heart. When I give in to the pride that says "I will show the world I'm supermom"
And then Romans 8 "why does one still hope in what is seen?". I often feel so inadequate as a person that I look for my validation in what is seen, in portraying to the world that I'm supermom, that I'm doing what I should, that I'm worthy I guess.
"But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance."
Oh how that rings hope to my soul, along with conviction. We EAGERLY wait for what is unseen with perseverance. What is unseen in my life? Right now, this baby boy growing inside of me. (Well we get to see him on ultrasound, for which I'm thankful, but overall, he's hidden away in my womb) What is unseen? My children's future. The unseen in their lives that I can hope for and persevere for is that they will be called by God and saved and glorify Him in everything they do for all of eternity. This is the biggie. And how do I hope and persevere for that? By this moment, and the next. By desperately praying and trying and striving to be a Momma who points them to Jesus. And God gives small moments of hope. Like when Levi was asked at an assessment this week to draw what I would say was a plus sign. He did (!) and then said "It's a cross, like where Jesus died". And did I pray that was a testimony to the other person? Of course, but my Momma's heart sung because it was a small glimmer of hope that Levi was understanding what God has done. Do I share that now for praise and a good job Momma? No, because in my failures I know it's only by God's immense grace that my child could understand anything about His love and precious gift.
So how does this all tie together? Let me share my week's/month's events with you for application. I've been struggling, like I said. I LOVE what I do, I love being a wife and mother, but lately, it's overwhelmed me. Yes, I know some of that is from being pregnant and hormones and physically dealing with it all. And when I say overwhelmed, I don't mean in a "I can't cope!" kind of way. I mean overwhelmed in a "Lord is this all worth it? How am I making a difference? Am I really doing what I should?" Kind of insightful way. Insightful, ha! ;) Last weekend my husband went on a camping trip with some guy friends. I had finally had a successful week budgeting our groceries and had already gone shopping before I realized he'd need to provide at least one meal for all of them. So not out of resourcefulness, but out of sheer "I WILL NOT GO BACK TO THE STORE!" craziness I made cinnamon rolls and cookies for them to take. And they were good! (Yes, they ate more than that, but that was the staple I was lacking in his meal.) Guess what? No big pat on the bag or even eaten by all the guys. Pride, demolished. In the same weekend, I was blessed to take my kiddos up to one of the guy's wife's family's cabin for a day on the lake and not alone with my kiddos. It was so fun, and I was just relieved to not be alone with them. Seriously. I was so tired and so desperate for Daddy's help I was just glad to be able to go somewhere. Now, let me say my husband definitely deserved a weekend away, so he's all in the clear here. But my biggest lesson? No pride needed. There is NO way I could have cared for my children in that setting alone. At least not without going crazy. I was overwhelmed by the love shown to myself and my children. I got to try Stand-Up Paddleboarding because others swam and played in the water with my children. I got to eat lunch because others played with and chased them. I got to sit and just visit with friends because another dear couple played puppies and other random kiddo things with my 2 munchkins. Not out of duty or obligation, but out of hearts of love and kindness. I saw Jesus in my friends and their family. Could I have cared for the basic needs of my children alone? Yes, by God's grace. But would my babes have had as much fun or been as loved if I had? Not by a long shot.
See, God knew what He was doing when He designed the body of Christ. He knew we needed each other. And after the weekend, Tuesday morning I woke up knowing I was getting a cold. My pride tried to fight it, and say it'll only last a day or two and I'll be fine. So I worked hard on Tuesday on some projects I wanted to get done. I felt like crud by the end of the day and leftovers for supper it was. Wednesday I knew we had our big anatomy scan for the baby in the afternoon so I worked hard all morning/afternoon on cleaning my house and supper in the crockpot and getting lots done. When we got home and thanked the dear friend who watched our kiddos and ate supper, I knew I'd overdone it. But I wanted a totally clean house for the first time in weeks and for my husband's admiration. I went to bed that night sicker but looking at my house like "finally". And let's be clear here, there are windows that needed washing and dusting to be done, but overall, toys were picked up and floors cleaned and the bathroom sanitary and all the dirty laundry fit in the hampers and all the clean laundry was put away. Now, 36 hours later, guess what? There are toys on the floor, toothpaste in the sink, laundry to be folded, dishes to be washed and crumbs on the floor. Does it matter? No, because we live here, but my temporary pleasure in what is seen was so quickly undone. Now, no harm in being thankful for a clean house or HAVING a clean house. It's a good thing. But I was feeling way too proud of myself for getting it done while sick. And since then? No denying, I probably prolonged my sickness. Today, I'm down for the count. I still fed my children and ran an errand and played with them, but ugh how cruddy I feel. No supermom awards today. Except this, I am a mom, and God has given me the day with my family.
All these examples to say this. We need each other. I need my husband to pick up pizza for supper and take the kiddos on a walk when I'm done in. I need friends who don't expect me to do it all and who love to play with my kids. I need older women who enjoying giving me a break or going to an appointment by watching my children. I need a friend who drives her daughter to baby-sit to save me buckling in my kiddos twice. We NEED each other. God never expects us to do this life alone. The gift of salvation should teach us this. It's not by MY works of righteousness, but in HIS mercy He saved me.
So what does this mean? It means that my guilt/frustration/heaviness that I place on myself for wondering if others think I could be doing this pregnancy thing better is SO wrong. Do I care if you think I look fat or pregnant? Yes, unfortunately. But here's what I do know to be truth. I was able to run and bike far longer into this pregnancy than any previous. My pants may not fit still, but my son is kicking me. I may not be an excellent example of helping my family out financially by bringing in lots of extra income, but God has given my husband a new job that pays more and still allows me to do things that save us money. Even now as I write these things, I sound justifiable.
So let's backtrack. I am writing this before you today to say, relax. Open the Scripture. Talk to your spouse. Get your requirements and expectations from God and your spouse alone. Not Pinterest, not your friends lives, not Facebook pressure, not your own warped idea of what you should be doing, not your own prideful ambitions, none of the "seen" things.
Does your husband want to take trips to exotic places, or does he simply want supper at home every night? Does he want ironed clothes, or simply a made bed everyday? Does he want you to spend your time earning money from home (possibly while using the TV as a baby-sitter, because I'm not sure how else you do it?!), or does he want you to shop less and be home more?
What does God say is important in your children's lives? To know all their letters by the time they are 2 or to be able to know He wants their entire lives to be about Him?
Am I saying you can't do both sides? Nope, not at all. That's why I'm saying it's between you and God and your spouse. Because obviously here's my confession. I'm a horrible example of getting it right. And that's why I'm broken, needing more grace than ever before.
Because I can't go for a run, I can't make an incredibly healthy meal my children will eat for every meal, I CAN'T do it all. Can I do some of it some of the time? Absolutely. But my heart needs changing. And if that means that in the in between time we have pancakes for supper and candy for a snack, will my children die? No. I don't think we have to choose between health and spiritual or health and character building. But I AM A HUMAN. And here's the truth from Scripture. I'm dying. No matter what I do someday my body will fail and I will stand before my creator and answer for my life. Do I believe I'm covered by God's grace? Yes. Should I strive everyday to become more like Christ and therefore more of a set-apart person? Yes! Will it all be perfect tomorrow? Nope. Not even close.
I look into my heart and I see serious character flaws that are affecting my family far more than what I serve for supper does. I see anger and short-temperedness that needs addressing. Because I may feed their bodies healthy food, but if I'm crabby during supper that will have a far greater impact on eternity. I want my children to see a Momma who adores and loves their Daddy and shows him appreciation far more than they see a Momma who wants Daddy to "get it right" (ahem, her way) so that life looks perfect.
So I'm praying and desperately begging God today for that perseverance. To look to what is not seen. To realize even greater how my children are eternal beings who need God's grace and they will learn that from us. To love them for who God made them, not for what they do or don't do. To sit down on the dirty kitchen floor for hugs instead of saying "go play, Momma's busy". And yes, to do my dishes and teach them to help. Because LIFE does need to happen. They do need to go play. But while knowing if they need me, I'm here for them, not just a clean house.
This doesn't wrap up in a tidy neat applicable bow for everyone, because it's my life. Your conviction today may be that you need to clean more, that you NEED to make more money, that you need to ____. Because you're you. You're not me. We're not the same because we both see Pinterest or Facebook or Twitter. God made us dependent. So please, hold me accountable, help to say "wow, please help me do what you're doing" "thank you for helping me!" All of the above. Because that doesn't show our failures. It shows our desire to grow more into what God designed. We're not in this alone. So I for one need to stop pretending I can do it alone. So here's my weakness, out for you to see. I'm a Momma of 2 little and growing another life inside me. I'm tired, I'm not perfect, I'm not incredibly strong. I'm me. I'm the one God gave to them, and by His grace I'll be more of who He needs me to be for them everyday.
Showing posts with label Honesty. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Honesty. Show all posts
Friday, September 06, 2013
Friday, April 19, 2013
Now We See Dimly
I've been thinking a lot about this blog in the past month or so. It's obviously not been full of writing this past year, and I've been wondering what to do, to remedy that, or chalk it up to "all done" as my kids would say.
But as I think back to where I was a year ago, anxiously awaiting the arrival of our precious miracle Emelia Grace, and the fact that it was practically summer already, and here this year we've been "blessed" with at least 9 inches of fresh snow in the past 24 hours, I realize it's time to write. Even if I do use run-on sentences.
Because here's the deal, I am NOT the same person I was a year ago. So much has changed, and not just with the arrival of baby #2. (I choose to call her #2, even though we have 3 in Heaven. It makes it so much easier for those who can only see the 2 that we feed and love everyday.)
Right now, I have a 3 year-old little boy watching the city department clean up all the snow outside our window on the street, and an 11 month-old big girl pushing down balls in her toy over and over again. And laughing. And my heart is full. I woke up with a discontented spirit today, a tad discouraged about a few things in my life. But as I thought about writing, I realized how many blessings I wanted to write about. And I can't help but feel oddly peaceful. So I better write fast or you know the chaos of life will snatch that away. ;) It's all going to sort of spill out versus and organized fashion, because well, it's life, and it's never neat and pretty all the time.
I wrote you about Andrew's station closing and all the chaos in our marriage and life. Well, currently he has a "new" temporary full-time job. It's just north of town about 10 miles and he loves it. I am SO proud of him for getting it, he had to work hard and make some sacrifices, but he got it, and it's such a great fit for him and our family. We're praying and we'd ask you to pray that it would become permanent.
After I wrote in December, that was really the beginning of our lives changing immensely. In January I started some new whole-food natural supplements. And boy, has my life changed. This blog isn't dedicated to selling you on them, but rather to share how they've impacted my life, and I can't share about my life without sharing about them, because I want this great life for everyone.
This was a very risky step for me, money was short, but I was desperate. I trusted my friend that shared them with me, so I went for it. A 30-day money back guarantee helped too. :)
My life is forever changed. It wasn't just that I lost weight, I did, it was that I finally found healthy nutrition in my life. Literally by the 5th day on the products I was craving vegetables and choosing to cook with them, for me, not just my husband! If you know me, you know this is huge. I won't defend myself too much and say "It was a gag reflex, I wanted to eat them!" Or "I am a people pleaser, my entire childhood is marked by feelings of rejection because I didn't eat what my extended family thought I should." Trust me, I wanted too.
The important thing is what I'm learning, so that will be part of the journey and sharing. I'm learning how nutrition is key to our health and weight. Our culture pushes exercise as the perfect solution to our obesity problem, but research shows it just isn't true. We SHOULD exercise and be active and strong, but our core needs are good nutrition. And frankly, I don't care how organic or healthy you eat, our food does NOT have the nutrition it needs to give us what we need. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, needs supplements. "But I grow and raise all my own food!" you say. Great! Good for you! And I mean that, but ever consider how depleted our soil is? I have a friend who's husband's company is working on helping farmers replenish their soils, but oh it's a long process in our world.
So to get personal, what changes have I seen in my family? I have a baby girl who's diaper rash is no more after we tried EVERYTHING to help her. These whole food/vitamins/minerals/probiotics have helped her so much. I have a son who's digestive system is SO much more healthy than it's ever been. It's been a huge struggle eating and bathroom wise and it's finally becoming much less stressful in our lives. I have a husband who's putting on a few pounds. Which is really good news after his battles and weight loss with the stomach flu this winter.
And me? HUGE life-changing differences. Not only have I lost weight, had huge balance in my emotions/moods/seratonin levels, gained muscle, and gained tons of more energy, but my life is finally healthy. I am choosing to make MUCH better food and meal choices for my family. Sugary snacks aren't our go to. Chips are healthier options and less often. Do we still eat pizza and other less-healthy options? Of course! We live in our world after all. But that's the awesomeness. These supplements allow me to live a real life, but by being healthy in it. I could go on and on, but I'll just say my life has been changed, our health is better, and I am so thankful. If you want more info, just contact me, and I'll be sharing more in the future. I'd love to help you make life-changes that really are for life, not a week or month.
These products have also given me the chance to have my own business. Without all the hoops and pressures of other direct-sales companies. I just returned from Orlando from an amazing conference, and what I was thinking about the whole time I was there was about my family and about sharing with you. Because I was overwhelmed by the power of balance, and of goals and dreams. It overwhelms me at times, this desire to help my family. Because that's why I'm doing it. For my family. I honestly struggled last month with knowing how to balance business and family. Because I didn't want to take away from my family, with the pretense of helping my family. And I was honestly so torn about how and what to do. But this one quote keeps reliving in my brain.
"Don't give up what you most want in life for something you think you want now." Richard G. Scott
When I made it home Sunday night Andrew and I had a big conversation. About life, our marriage, our family, and our goals. And we both agreed, we have some goals to achieve. And here's the thing, we believe. We believe that sometimes life has to be out of balance before it can be balanced. That there will be sacrifices. There will be days when our kids come before our marriage, when our marriage comes before our kids, when business/work comes first, when simply putting dinner on the table will be the goal. But the goal overall is balance, and raising our family to know Christ, and to help others a long the way. As you can see, the goals are relative and ever-changing too. :)
The opposite of Faith is Fear. So which side of the fence will I live on? With fear? Or with Faith?
Because I am a Christian, a disciple of Christ, my life needs to always come back to the spiritual. So how does this all connect? How does my daily struggle to build a business, be a great wife, continually be growing our marriage, be a good mom who points her children to Christ, who builds children who know it's all about God's glory, to be a great friend, to run a balanced and healthy home, to be, well everything, how does this all come down spiritually?
I'm doing a study once a week on the basics of the Gospel. And it's not boring, it's not old, it's not the same old same old. Because the Gospel is never-ending. My biggest challenge so far from the study? Redemption. What areas of my life have I not yet let be redeemed? Where am I not letting the Gospel be applied?
My challenge? This quote:
"God isn't interested in making us 'spiritual' if by spiritual we mean detached: Jesus was God stuck in. God isn't interested in making us self-absorbed. Jesus was self-giving personified. God isn't interesed in serenity: Jesus was passionate for God, angry at sin, wept for the city. The word 'holy' means set apart from or different from, our sinful ways. It doesn't mean being set-apart from the world, but being consecrated to God in the world. He was God's glory IN and FOR the world."
We are to reflect God's image to the world, and with sin that mirror image is broken. But now it's as if that mirror is being healed and is slowly reflecting an accurage image again.
So here it is:
"This process - us becoming more like Jesus so we reflect more accurately what God is like - is the number one thing God is ALWAYS up to in our lives."
"A disciple is someone who is learnign to apply the gospel to absolutely every part of life. Discipleship is all about letting God bring about change in our lives from the inside out so we look more like Jesus."
There you have it. That's who I am. A broken mirror that wants to be healed and accurately reflect Christ. A Disciple that is letting God bring about change from the inside out.
And guess what? That isn't just about my soul. Our bodies are truely body, soul/spirit, and mind.
My soul has been redeemed, but our world is cursed, death abounds. God wants to redeem my mind and body too.
So when I lose weight and heal my physical body from the inside and get healthier? God is being glorified.
When I work daily and being a better wife and mother and loving others? God is being glorified.
When I spend time in Scripture everyday studying and soaking up God's promises and being convicted of sin? God is being glorified.
The mirror is being healed. Won't you join me on the journey?
Oh there will be days of failure, days that the image is distorted. I am a sinful creature. But my goal, is to be redeemed in ALL areas of my life.
There's a lot of change to happen, but for the first time of my life, it doesn't overwhelm me. I am learning to set goals, big and small. To do today what will help me get attain my goals tomorrow. To do today what will make me like Christ. And to never again seperate my life. Because it's all interwoven. God's plan for our lives body, soul, and mind is so amazing. He wants to REDEEM all of our life.
Join me as I strive to let him. And as I share about the struggles of doing it. The days when the 3-year-old is driving me nuts and we have boxed mac & cheese for supper. And the days when it's calm and productive and everything is from scratch. Because both days are life. And God's redemption should be reflected in both of them.
Keeping it REAL.
And real was the panic when I thought I lost this entire post and about slammed my computer shut in tears. Praise God He redeemed this post! :)
But as I think back to where I was a year ago, anxiously awaiting the arrival of our precious miracle Emelia Grace, and the fact that it was practically summer already, and here this year we've been "blessed" with at least 9 inches of fresh snow in the past 24 hours, I realize it's time to write. Even if I do use run-on sentences.
Because here's the deal, I am NOT the same person I was a year ago. So much has changed, and not just with the arrival of baby #2. (I choose to call her #2, even though we have 3 in Heaven. It makes it so much easier for those who can only see the 2 that we feed and love everyday.)
Right now, I have a 3 year-old little boy watching the city department clean up all the snow outside our window on the street, and an 11 month-old big girl pushing down balls in her toy over and over again. And laughing. And my heart is full. I woke up with a discontented spirit today, a tad discouraged about a few things in my life. But as I thought about writing, I realized how many blessings I wanted to write about. And I can't help but feel oddly peaceful. So I better write fast or you know the chaos of life will snatch that away. ;) It's all going to sort of spill out versus and organized fashion, because well, it's life, and it's never neat and pretty all the time.
I wrote you about Andrew's station closing and all the chaos in our marriage and life. Well, currently he has a "new" temporary full-time job. It's just north of town about 10 miles and he loves it. I am SO proud of him for getting it, he had to work hard and make some sacrifices, but he got it, and it's such a great fit for him and our family. We're praying and we'd ask you to pray that it would become permanent.
After I wrote in December, that was really the beginning of our lives changing immensely. In January I started some new whole-food natural supplements. And boy, has my life changed. This blog isn't dedicated to selling you on them, but rather to share how they've impacted my life, and I can't share about my life without sharing about them, because I want this great life for everyone.
This was a very risky step for me, money was short, but I was desperate. I trusted my friend that shared them with me, so I went for it. A 30-day money back guarantee helped too. :)
My life is forever changed. It wasn't just that I lost weight, I did, it was that I finally found healthy nutrition in my life. Literally by the 5th day on the products I was craving vegetables and choosing to cook with them, for me, not just my husband! If you know me, you know this is huge. I won't defend myself too much and say "It was a gag reflex, I wanted to eat them!" Or "I am a people pleaser, my entire childhood is marked by feelings of rejection because I didn't eat what my extended family thought I should." Trust me, I wanted too.
The important thing is what I'm learning, so that will be part of the journey and sharing. I'm learning how nutrition is key to our health and weight. Our culture pushes exercise as the perfect solution to our obesity problem, but research shows it just isn't true. We SHOULD exercise and be active and strong, but our core needs are good nutrition. And frankly, I don't care how organic or healthy you eat, our food does NOT have the nutrition it needs to give us what we need. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, needs supplements. "But I grow and raise all my own food!" you say. Great! Good for you! And I mean that, but ever consider how depleted our soil is? I have a friend who's husband's company is working on helping farmers replenish their soils, but oh it's a long process in our world.
So to get personal, what changes have I seen in my family? I have a baby girl who's diaper rash is no more after we tried EVERYTHING to help her. These whole food/vitamins/minerals/probiotics have helped her so much. I have a son who's digestive system is SO much more healthy than it's ever been. It's been a huge struggle eating and bathroom wise and it's finally becoming much less stressful in our lives. I have a husband who's putting on a few pounds. Which is really good news after his battles and weight loss with the stomach flu this winter.
And me? HUGE life-changing differences. Not only have I lost weight, had huge balance in my emotions/moods/seratonin levels, gained muscle, and gained tons of more energy, but my life is finally healthy. I am choosing to make MUCH better food and meal choices for my family. Sugary snacks aren't our go to. Chips are healthier options and less often. Do we still eat pizza and other less-healthy options? Of course! We live in our world after all. But that's the awesomeness. These supplements allow me to live a real life, but by being healthy in it. I could go on and on, but I'll just say my life has been changed, our health is better, and I am so thankful. If you want more info, just contact me, and I'll be sharing more in the future. I'd love to help you make life-changes that really are for life, not a week or month.
These products have also given me the chance to have my own business. Without all the hoops and pressures of other direct-sales companies. I just returned from Orlando from an amazing conference, and what I was thinking about the whole time I was there was about my family and about sharing with you. Because I was overwhelmed by the power of balance, and of goals and dreams. It overwhelms me at times, this desire to help my family. Because that's why I'm doing it. For my family. I honestly struggled last month with knowing how to balance business and family. Because I didn't want to take away from my family, with the pretense of helping my family. And I was honestly so torn about how and what to do. But this one quote keeps reliving in my brain.
"Don't give up what you most want in life for something you think you want now." Richard G. Scott
When I made it home Sunday night Andrew and I had a big conversation. About life, our marriage, our family, and our goals. And we both agreed, we have some goals to achieve. And here's the thing, we believe. We believe that sometimes life has to be out of balance before it can be balanced. That there will be sacrifices. There will be days when our kids come before our marriage, when our marriage comes before our kids, when business/work comes first, when simply putting dinner on the table will be the goal. But the goal overall is balance, and raising our family to know Christ, and to help others a long the way. As you can see, the goals are relative and ever-changing too. :)
The opposite of Faith is Fear. So which side of the fence will I live on? With fear? Or with Faith?
Because I am a Christian, a disciple of Christ, my life needs to always come back to the spiritual. So how does this all connect? How does my daily struggle to build a business, be a great wife, continually be growing our marriage, be a good mom who points her children to Christ, who builds children who know it's all about God's glory, to be a great friend, to run a balanced and healthy home, to be, well everything, how does this all come down spiritually?
I'm doing a study once a week on the basics of the Gospel. And it's not boring, it's not old, it's not the same old same old. Because the Gospel is never-ending. My biggest challenge so far from the study? Redemption. What areas of my life have I not yet let be redeemed? Where am I not letting the Gospel be applied?
My challenge? This quote:
"God isn't interested in making us 'spiritual' if by spiritual we mean detached: Jesus was God stuck in. God isn't interested in making us self-absorbed. Jesus was self-giving personified. God isn't interesed in serenity: Jesus was passionate for God, angry at sin, wept for the city. The word 'holy' means set apart from or different from, our sinful ways. It doesn't mean being set-apart from the world, but being consecrated to God in the world. He was God's glory IN and FOR the world."
We are to reflect God's image to the world, and with sin that mirror image is broken. But now it's as if that mirror is being healed and is slowly reflecting an accurage image again.
So here it is:
"This process - us becoming more like Jesus so we reflect more accurately what God is like - is the number one thing God is ALWAYS up to in our lives."
"A disciple is someone who is learnign to apply the gospel to absolutely every part of life. Discipleship is all about letting God bring about change in our lives from the inside out so we look more like Jesus."
There you have it. That's who I am. A broken mirror that wants to be healed and accurately reflect Christ. A Disciple that is letting God bring about change from the inside out.
And guess what? That isn't just about my soul. Our bodies are truely body, soul/spirit, and mind.
My soul has been redeemed, but our world is cursed, death abounds. God wants to redeem my mind and body too.
So when I lose weight and heal my physical body from the inside and get healthier? God is being glorified.
When I work daily and being a better wife and mother and loving others? God is being glorified.
When I spend time in Scripture everyday studying and soaking up God's promises and being convicted of sin? God is being glorified.
The mirror is being healed. Won't you join me on the journey?
Oh there will be days of failure, days that the image is distorted. I am a sinful creature. But my goal, is to be redeemed in ALL areas of my life.
There's a lot of change to happen, but for the first time of my life, it doesn't overwhelm me. I am learning to set goals, big and small. To do today what will help me get attain my goals tomorrow. To do today what will make me like Christ. And to never again seperate my life. Because it's all interwoven. God's plan for our lives body, soul, and mind is so amazing. He wants to REDEEM all of our life.
Join me as I strive to let him. And as I share about the struggles of doing it. The days when the 3-year-old is driving me nuts and we have boxed mac & cheese for supper. And the days when it's calm and productive and everything is from scratch. Because both days are life. And God's redemption should be reflected in both of them.
Keeping it REAL.
And real was the panic when I thought I lost this entire post and about slammed my computer shut in tears. Praise God He redeemed this post! :)
Saturday, December 08, 2012
Return
I haven't posted in months. I know. Because it wasn't important anymore. Since Emelia joined our lives, well, they have changed drastically. Not because of her, but in spite of her really. I don't have the energy for a long, long post tonight, but finally, I must write, no matter how long it takes.
This has been the hardest 6 months of my life. Adjusting to Emelia was fine, good, great even. She was a dream baby. Full-term, slept through the night by 6 weeks, smiling, very content, so happy. She was just wonderful. (Still is actually.) But about the time she was 6 weeks old, our lives were flipped upside down, and they just kept flipping. Andrew learned on June 26th that the station he worked for was closing. Like that day. Talk about no warning. He was offered 2 more months of work (with a bonus as incentive to stay those 2 months) as well as severance, insurance, and more for quite a while. And while we were thankful he had those two months when others only had the 1 day, we suddenly knew life WAS going to change. We had no choice in the matter.
Then, the end of July, just after my birthday, we were going camping for the weekend with Andrew's sister and her husband, and we were running late, as usual when we're going someplace for a few days, and I had to run to the grocery store for syrup because I had spaced that out before. I pulled onto the street, 4 lanes, 5 really, 2 going both ways with a turn lane in between. I moved into the middle lane and realized the car in the other lane had stopped for someone in the crosswalk, so I stopped too. And looked in my rearview mirror, just in time to see a car switch lanes and be behind me, and they weren't stopping. I was rear-ended. The jolt of the impact sent me forward way past the intersection. Thankfully the pedestrians were not in front of my car. Praise God. But I freaked. I pulled into a parking lot and desperately tried to find my phone as I got out of the car crying. Because Emelia was in the back seat. I was so scared. She was crying, because she was scared I assume, but she was fine. I was fine. There was a cop driving by that the other driver (a very elderly WWII vet) flagged down. I got ahold of Andrew and he came with Levi. Praise God Levi wasn't with me. He would have freaked too I'm sure.
Long story short? Our car was totaled, we spent several weeks with a tiny rental, trying desperately to find a new vehicle we could afford while dealing with the insurance and estimates and checks and new carseats and ugh. It was a nightmare to me. It could have been HUGELY worse. The other party's insurance covered everything, including x-rays and carseat and a new/used van, even giving us more than we had originally paid for our car. But it was stressful, and physically painful. And in the process our house was being reroofed by volunteers from the church. Off and on for weeks, almost months. My kids were being woken from naps by pounding and shaking. Men were outside my windows every day.
Oh, and Emelia started teething at 3 months old. By her 3month birthday she had 2 bottom teeth. CRAZY. She was so good, but fairly fussy and we didn't know why.
And then, Levi got sick. I mean like puking sick. Off and on so randomly. Then he was better. But it was by then the end of August and Andrew was done working. And he didn't have a new job. Now, he was getting severance, but we were both stressed. So we decided to go camping. Family time you know? Except Levi kept puking, and pooping, and feeling generally horrible. The day at the campsite was NOT fun. We finally packed up after one day and night and drove home at 10pm. Not good. Dr.'s visits and ER visits and he'd be fine for a week and then randomly puke again. It was awful. No answers other than a bad bug that just wasn't working it's way out fast enough. No tests showed anything wrong.
By this time it's September, and I was losing it. I mean really losing it. Like can hardly make dinner and get my children alive through the day. It was awful. I didn't recognize the depression at the time. Looking back it just seems like "huh, that wasn't fun" but at the time, it felt like our entire world was falling apart. And our marriage? Oh man, not good. This is where you don't get details, except to say it wasn't good.
So not good that I was at my wit's end. I didn't know what else to do, other than leave, but I knew that wasn't the answer. But it hurt so much to keep living my daily reality. I honestly was just tossing up which would hurt worse.
We had our home group from church one Thursday night, and some things happened that day and that evening that made me so upset with my husband. So much so that we came home and got our kids to bed and had it out. I mean OUT. I've never seen either one of us like that. But it was needed. Sort of a "Wow we both realizes this sucks and we're hurt and we're angry so what's going to happen?". Your move Bobby. (chess reference from my youth, don't ask me why) And I was honest, with myself, with my husband. And he called our pastor, and set up an appointment for the next day. I was so angry and sad still I could barely sleep or deal the next day. But we went, and got help. And are continueing to get help. God is picking us out of the miry clay.
Oh, and ironically, Andrew's truck died this fall too. The same week we ALL got the stomach flu, BAD. So new car again. Praise God for that bonus paycheck. New/Used vehicle shopping was getting old, but once again God guided us.
A friend asked me once this fall if sometimes I just felt like screaming. And the answer was "Yes, but what good would it do?" It almost felt like God was using a huge REDO card on us. Just wiping everything clean to start over. And frankly, maybe we needed it. I did sort of wonder if our house was going to burn down at some point though.
For the first time in a long time, I have hope for the future. Yes, I talked to my pastor and then saw my Dr. about my post-partum depression. I never thought that would be me, but between being post-partum and everything falling to pieces in our lives, I needed help. And it did help. It helped me sleep, something I don't think I had done well in months, and help me be excited about the day, about life. About living it.
But above all my hope is in God. He alone can bring us forth from the darkness.
And so we're here, December 8th, almost 9th actually. And I'm crying tears of overwhelming sadness. Because it hit me today. I missed it. The date in November, when I lost my baby. And I frankly don't even remember what the actual date is without looking. In some ways, this means I've healed. That I am and have moved past it. I don't think you ever "get over" it, but you can move past it. To where sorrow doesn't consume you.
But I'm crying, because I didn't mourn on that day. I forgot. And I'm angry I forgot. I never want to forget my babies. My 3 children who are with Jesus. Where there is no pain, no sorrow, and where there is no night.
And it's December, and this time of year always makes me cry. Ever since Levi was born. I remember those days, those days of waiting for his birth, and those incredibly lonely days after his birth. Of sitting in the NICU and just not wanting it to be real. To not want to be the Momma of a preemie, but to just pretend he would go home and we'd be fine. To hope against what would be the reality of several years of carefullness because he was so fragile, his lungs just not up to par. Even now when he coughs I cringe, waiting. The lonliness of that time can overwhelm me if I let it. The pure sleep-deprived willing myself to carry on emotions that threatened to overtake me. The memory of sobbing my eyes out in my car with my Dad because I didn't have the energy to drive myself back to the hospital by myself. It all comes rushing back and blindsides me when I'm not looking.
And so I sit here tonight crying. Remembering, and mourning again. Not wallowing, but letting myself return to those moments. With my newborn tiny son in the NICU. To that Saturday night after passing my baby, making my husband be the one to...To those days around Levi's 1st Birthday, loving and celebrating him, and mourning the baby we lost. Even to that June day when we lost 2 more babies. It all aches in me. And the ache spreads to the hurts in our marriage. The repair that is still being processed. The years of hurt and sorrow, and the years ahead of sheer work.
And then there was this song, "stumbled upon" as I started to write this post.
And God overwhelmed me. In a huge way. In these past 6 months, I have felt lost. From my God and my Savior. I've never questioned His sovereignty, I've even seen His blessings in my husband's life and changes and attitude. In the amazing way my sweet baby girl is so "Easy". In a new friend, a dear kindred spirit of a best friend who I never expected, but who has walked along with me as we go through our own valleys. And carried each other along the way at times. In providing us with the resources for 2 new/used vehicles. In so many things. In our son finally going several weeks without puking. But even while acknowledging God's blessings and sovereignty, I was still going "THIS HURTS GOD!!!" Screaming it, obviously. But He's still God, patiently waiting for me to realize my finite mind will never comprehend. Because if it could, if I could plan it, His Son would never have been sent to Earth. There had to be a better way right? But "oh, the glory of it all".
So I'm humbled, and this Christmas season I'm making progress. I'm ready to celebrate more than just a 3-year old's birthday, to celebrate more than just presents and a fun time with family and friends. I'm ready to let go. To let God heal my heart. To let God handle the whole picture. Because I just don't. And I'm sure I don't really want to.
Christmas isn't just the beginning of the story. It IS the story. Because as this song says
"Oh, the glory of it all
Is He came here
For the rescue of us all
That we may live
For the glory of it all"
There's the purpose in Christmas. The Babe who was Jesus was born, For the glory of it all. It would lead to the cross, and our redemption, but it was about Christmas too. The hope of the redemption to come.
So my heart needs to heal. I need to give forgiveness, and to beg for it. I need to mourn and remember, but to be thankful. Because there are lyrics in that song that get it so right:
"All is lost
Find Him there
Find Him there
After night
Dawn is there
Dawn is there
And after all
Falls apart
He repairs
He repairs"
I've been through so much night, but He was there. It's all fallen apart, many times over, but He repairs. And I'm so glad.
"Oh, everything will change
Things will never be the same
(We will never be the same)"
We will never be the same. Praise God. For the Glory of it all.
This has been the hardest 6 months of my life. Adjusting to Emelia was fine, good, great even. She was a dream baby. Full-term, slept through the night by 6 weeks, smiling, very content, so happy. She was just wonderful. (Still is actually.) But about the time she was 6 weeks old, our lives were flipped upside down, and they just kept flipping. Andrew learned on June 26th that the station he worked for was closing. Like that day. Talk about no warning. He was offered 2 more months of work (with a bonus as incentive to stay those 2 months) as well as severance, insurance, and more for quite a while. And while we were thankful he had those two months when others only had the 1 day, we suddenly knew life WAS going to change. We had no choice in the matter.
Then, the end of July, just after my birthday, we were going camping for the weekend with Andrew's sister and her husband, and we were running late, as usual when we're going someplace for a few days, and I had to run to the grocery store for syrup because I had spaced that out before. I pulled onto the street, 4 lanes, 5 really, 2 going both ways with a turn lane in between. I moved into the middle lane and realized the car in the other lane had stopped for someone in the crosswalk, so I stopped too. And looked in my rearview mirror, just in time to see a car switch lanes and be behind me, and they weren't stopping. I was rear-ended. The jolt of the impact sent me forward way past the intersection. Thankfully the pedestrians were not in front of my car. Praise God. But I freaked. I pulled into a parking lot and desperately tried to find my phone as I got out of the car crying. Because Emelia was in the back seat. I was so scared. She was crying, because she was scared I assume, but she was fine. I was fine. There was a cop driving by that the other driver (a very elderly WWII vet) flagged down. I got ahold of Andrew and he came with Levi. Praise God Levi wasn't with me. He would have freaked too I'm sure.
Long story short? Our car was totaled, we spent several weeks with a tiny rental, trying desperately to find a new vehicle we could afford while dealing with the insurance and estimates and checks and new carseats and ugh. It was a nightmare to me. It could have been HUGELY worse. The other party's insurance covered everything, including x-rays and carseat and a new/used van, even giving us more than we had originally paid for our car. But it was stressful, and physically painful. And in the process our house was being reroofed by volunteers from the church. Off and on for weeks, almost months. My kids were being woken from naps by pounding and shaking. Men were outside my windows every day.
Oh, and Emelia started teething at 3 months old. By her 3month birthday she had 2 bottom teeth. CRAZY. She was so good, but fairly fussy and we didn't know why.
And then, Levi got sick. I mean like puking sick. Off and on so randomly. Then he was better. But it was by then the end of August and Andrew was done working. And he didn't have a new job. Now, he was getting severance, but we were both stressed. So we decided to go camping. Family time you know? Except Levi kept puking, and pooping, and feeling generally horrible. The day at the campsite was NOT fun. We finally packed up after one day and night and drove home at 10pm. Not good. Dr.'s visits and ER visits and he'd be fine for a week and then randomly puke again. It was awful. No answers other than a bad bug that just wasn't working it's way out fast enough. No tests showed anything wrong.
By this time it's September, and I was losing it. I mean really losing it. Like can hardly make dinner and get my children alive through the day. It was awful. I didn't recognize the depression at the time. Looking back it just seems like "huh, that wasn't fun" but at the time, it felt like our entire world was falling apart. And our marriage? Oh man, not good. This is where you don't get details, except to say it wasn't good.
So not good that I was at my wit's end. I didn't know what else to do, other than leave, but I knew that wasn't the answer. But it hurt so much to keep living my daily reality. I honestly was just tossing up which would hurt worse.
We had our home group from church one Thursday night, and some things happened that day and that evening that made me so upset with my husband. So much so that we came home and got our kids to bed and had it out. I mean OUT. I've never seen either one of us like that. But it was needed. Sort of a "Wow we both realizes this sucks and we're hurt and we're angry so what's going to happen?". Your move Bobby. (chess reference from my youth, don't ask me why) And I was honest, with myself, with my husband. And he called our pastor, and set up an appointment for the next day. I was so angry and sad still I could barely sleep or deal the next day. But we went, and got help. And are continueing to get help. God is picking us out of the miry clay.
Oh, and ironically, Andrew's truck died this fall too. The same week we ALL got the stomach flu, BAD. So new car again. Praise God for that bonus paycheck. New/Used vehicle shopping was getting old, but once again God guided us.
A friend asked me once this fall if sometimes I just felt like screaming. And the answer was "Yes, but what good would it do?" It almost felt like God was using a huge REDO card on us. Just wiping everything clean to start over. And frankly, maybe we needed it. I did sort of wonder if our house was going to burn down at some point though.
For the first time in a long time, I have hope for the future. Yes, I talked to my pastor and then saw my Dr. about my post-partum depression. I never thought that would be me, but between being post-partum and everything falling to pieces in our lives, I needed help. And it did help. It helped me sleep, something I don't think I had done well in months, and help me be excited about the day, about life. About living it.
But above all my hope is in God. He alone can bring us forth from the darkness.
And so we're here, December 8th, almost 9th actually. And I'm crying tears of overwhelming sadness. Because it hit me today. I missed it. The date in November, when I lost my baby. And I frankly don't even remember what the actual date is without looking. In some ways, this means I've healed. That I am and have moved past it. I don't think you ever "get over" it, but you can move past it. To where sorrow doesn't consume you.
But I'm crying, because I didn't mourn on that day. I forgot. And I'm angry I forgot. I never want to forget my babies. My 3 children who are with Jesus. Where there is no pain, no sorrow, and where there is no night.
And it's December, and this time of year always makes me cry. Ever since Levi was born. I remember those days, those days of waiting for his birth, and those incredibly lonely days after his birth. Of sitting in the NICU and just not wanting it to be real. To not want to be the Momma of a preemie, but to just pretend he would go home and we'd be fine. To hope against what would be the reality of several years of carefullness because he was so fragile, his lungs just not up to par. Even now when he coughs I cringe, waiting. The lonliness of that time can overwhelm me if I let it. The pure sleep-deprived willing myself to carry on emotions that threatened to overtake me. The memory of sobbing my eyes out in my car with my Dad because I didn't have the energy to drive myself back to the hospital by myself. It all comes rushing back and blindsides me when I'm not looking.
And so I sit here tonight crying. Remembering, and mourning again. Not wallowing, but letting myself return to those moments. With my newborn tiny son in the NICU. To that Saturday night after passing my baby, making my husband be the one to...To those days around Levi's 1st Birthday, loving and celebrating him, and mourning the baby we lost. Even to that June day when we lost 2 more babies. It all aches in me. And the ache spreads to the hurts in our marriage. The repair that is still being processed. The years of hurt and sorrow, and the years ahead of sheer work.
And then there was this song, "stumbled upon" as I started to write this post.
And God overwhelmed me. In a huge way. In these past 6 months, I have felt lost. From my God and my Savior. I've never questioned His sovereignty, I've even seen His blessings in my husband's life and changes and attitude. In the amazing way my sweet baby girl is so "Easy". In a new friend, a dear kindred spirit of a best friend who I never expected, but who has walked along with me as we go through our own valleys. And carried each other along the way at times. In providing us with the resources for 2 new/used vehicles. In so many things. In our son finally going several weeks without puking. But even while acknowledging God's blessings and sovereignty, I was still going "THIS HURTS GOD!!!" Screaming it, obviously. But He's still God, patiently waiting for me to realize my finite mind will never comprehend. Because if it could, if I could plan it, His Son would never have been sent to Earth. There had to be a better way right? But "oh, the glory of it all".
So I'm humbled, and this Christmas season I'm making progress. I'm ready to celebrate more than just a 3-year old's birthday, to celebrate more than just presents and a fun time with family and friends. I'm ready to let go. To let God heal my heart. To let God handle the whole picture. Because I just don't. And I'm sure I don't really want to.
Christmas isn't just the beginning of the story. It IS the story. Because as this song says
"Oh, the glory of it all
Is He came here
For the rescue of us all
That we may live
For the glory of it all"
There's the purpose in Christmas. The Babe who was Jesus was born, For the glory of it all. It would lead to the cross, and our redemption, but it was about Christmas too. The hope of the redemption to come.
So my heart needs to heal. I need to give forgiveness, and to beg for it. I need to mourn and remember, but to be thankful. Because there are lyrics in that song that get it so right:
"All is lost
Find Him there
Find Him there
After night
Dawn is there
Dawn is there
And after all
Falls apart
He repairs
He repairs"
I've been through so much night, but He was there. It's all fallen apart, many times over, but He repairs. And I'm so glad.
"Oh, everything will change
Things will never be the same
(We will never be the same)"
We will never be the same. Praise God. For the Glory of it all.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Give a Little
I found a blog several months back, and I immediately fell in love. I found it about a day before it went viral online due to an amazing post about NOT having to love every moment of motherhood every single day. I laughed and cried at her posts and thought I'd found pure gold. And then, the bombshell. She posted something that I could not in any form agree with, especially under the heading of "Christian". So I stopped plugging it to friends and stopped reading dailly. But I still catch up now and then, because one of her whole premises is that we as Mommies need to stick together, even when we disagree. No judging each other, because we're all in this together. And while I do think God calls us to be discerning and not to accept everything or every action that we come across, I think she has a good basic point.
We as Momma's have it hard enough. We struggle daily with our children and a culture and maybe a workplace and a community that doesn't always or ever support our roles as Mom's. So why do we fight each other? I may not agree with the way you "train" or don't your children to sleep, or letting them suck their thumb, or what they can or cannot eat. But guess what? They are YOUR children! Just as mine are mine.
So while I may still roll my eyes at times or cringe at some judgements some parents make, I'm trying to train my heart to be more prayerful and less judgemental of other parents efforts. We're hopefully all trying here, and I know I for one am trying to do my best to raise my son and future children the best I can.
I will be 37 weeks pregnant tomorrow. And I'm super lonely lately. ~Physically it's gotten harder to be active and about with Levi. And sleep is broken and fitfull. There's so much more I coudl say physically but whining is what gets me lonely. ~Emotionally I'm anxious (don't preach, I know the verse) about when and how this baby is coming. I'm worn out from my independant strong-willed 2 year-old who is pushing every boundary and I don't always push back like I should. ~Spiritually I'm dry and thirsty. I'm wanting to seek God but feel like I'm just struggling in the dark due to my own sin and attitudes. ~Maritally I miss focusing on my husband. This pregnancy has consumed some of me at this point and I'm not a very good friend to a man whose love language is time spent doing things he enjoys. But he's gracious, incredibly so. I don't deserve him. And I miss spending time alone with him. Baby-sitters seem to be in short supply these days. ~Mentally I'm exhausted by the concern about this baby. It is totally a miracle of God that I'm still pregnant, but even miracles make us worried. My body is not perfect, there have been issues with any pregnancy I've had, half of which have ended so far in the death of our babies. While I don't take blame that isn't there for those, there's still the concern my body could fail this baby and it all go haywire in seconds.
And it's hard to describe any of this to anyone. So I'm lonely. I keep hoping when this baby comes I'll "get back out there" and be a better friend. But then I wonder who I'm kidding. I'm not sure I've been that great of one to start with. I guess I just wish my best friend lived next door. :)
So the point being, with all the struggles we face as Mom's, let's give each other a little grace shall we? And maybe ourselves too while we're at it. And let's all strive to make this journey a little less lonely for each other.
We as Momma's have it hard enough. We struggle daily with our children and a culture and maybe a workplace and a community that doesn't always or ever support our roles as Mom's. So why do we fight each other? I may not agree with the way you "train" or don't your children to sleep, or letting them suck their thumb, or what they can or cannot eat. But guess what? They are YOUR children! Just as mine are mine.
So while I may still roll my eyes at times or cringe at some judgements some parents make, I'm trying to train my heart to be more prayerful and less judgemental of other parents efforts. We're hopefully all trying here, and I know I for one am trying to do my best to raise my son and future children the best I can.
I will be 37 weeks pregnant tomorrow. And I'm super lonely lately. ~Physically it's gotten harder to be active and about with Levi. And sleep is broken and fitfull. There's so much more I coudl say physically but whining is what gets me lonely. ~Emotionally I'm anxious (don't preach, I know the verse) about when and how this baby is coming. I'm worn out from my independant strong-willed 2 year-old who is pushing every boundary and I don't always push back like I should. ~Spiritually I'm dry and thirsty. I'm wanting to seek God but feel like I'm just struggling in the dark due to my own sin and attitudes. ~Maritally I miss focusing on my husband. This pregnancy has consumed some of me at this point and I'm not a very good friend to a man whose love language is time spent doing things he enjoys. But he's gracious, incredibly so. I don't deserve him. And I miss spending time alone with him. Baby-sitters seem to be in short supply these days. ~Mentally I'm exhausted by the concern about this baby. It is totally a miracle of God that I'm still pregnant, but even miracles make us worried. My body is not perfect, there have been issues with any pregnancy I've had, half of which have ended so far in the death of our babies. While I don't take blame that isn't there for those, there's still the concern my body could fail this baby and it all go haywire in seconds.
And it's hard to describe any of this to anyone. So I'm lonely. I keep hoping when this baby comes I'll "get back out there" and be a better friend. But then I wonder who I'm kidding. I'm not sure I've been that great of one to start with. I guess I just wish my best friend lived next door. :)
So the point being, with all the struggles we face as Mom's, let's give each other a little grace shall we? And maybe ourselves too while we're at it. And let's all strive to make this journey a little less lonely for each other.
Friday, January 06, 2012
7 1/2 years, 300 posts
So my track record for posting at least once a week isn't great over a 7 1/2 year period, but if you subract the 2 years of almost relative silence, then it's a little better. :) The average hits 52 posts a year then, perfect. Almost. Anyway.
This post has been staring at me for about 4 days now. 300 just seems so significant. Like I should have something monumental to say. Like this is it. Like Someday I'll look back at post 300 and wonder why I didn't use it to say something more significant. But really, it's just a number. What if I hadn't paid attention to the post #? What if I had just posted about everyday life as I usually do?
I was reading back over some posts from the years, specifically the first year I started blogging. And I was cringing, and laughing, and nodding my head. I was so young, (I know, I still am), but really, I was so young. In mind, heart, and life. But when I read those words not only do I remember some of the mistakes and heartaches my young self made, I also read the words of a girl who wanted to trust and serve God with her whole heart no matter what. I can spend time thinking about how far I had to go, or I can look back and see how far I've come. I had so much to learn, I had so much to learn about God, who He was, and especially about His grace. And that's the thing I'm so thankful for in 7 1/2 years and 300 posts, God's Grace.
And my husband. :) There's a comment back in there, about some of my college days, by this guy named Andrew, and little did I know in 2 years I'd be married to the guy. I never could have dreamed. And I'm glad I didn't know. I've made a lot of mistakes in 7 1/2 years. But marrying that Andrew was never one of them. God's grace is so evident in our relationship, and I'm so thankful for His and Andrew's grace and patience with me over the years. Not just in winning my heart, but in living life with me.
We've come a long way since this blog started. Ironically the blog address "lifeandbeth" was suggested by a guy who I was friend's with, and almost broke my heart in many ways. But even in that God used him to show me Andrew, and what I could have there someday.
I heard this song on the radio this evening, as I was preparing supper for my husband of 5 1/2 years and my 2-year old son, with my pregant belly carrying our baby girl getting messy in the process. A life that's known sorrow and grief and the loss of babies. And this song just seems to fit.
Faith isn't something you have and then watch God move. Faith is something you have and do AS God moves and breaths in your life. This isn't foolproof doctrine. It's just a realization I'm making in my journey towards understanding faith. The biggest lesson? It's a lifetime process.
So I can only hope and pray for another 300 posts to this blog. Full of evidence of God's grace in my life. And that I let Him work. That's my prayer. To look back and see a life submitted to God and following hard after Him. No matter how many posts come and go.
A life of Faith. No matter what.
This post has been staring at me for about 4 days now. 300 just seems so significant. Like I should have something monumental to say. Like this is it. Like Someday I'll look back at post 300 and wonder why I didn't use it to say something more significant. But really, it's just a number. What if I hadn't paid attention to the post #? What if I had just posted about everyday life as I usually do?
I was reading back over some posts from the years, specifically the first year I started blogging. And I was cringing, and laughing, and nodding my head. I was so young, (I know, I still am), but really, I was so young. In mind, heart, and life. But when I read those words not only do I remember some of the mistakes and heartaches my young self made, I also read the words of a girl who wanted to trust and serve God with her whole heart no matter what. I can spend time thinking about how far I had to go, or I can look back and see how far I've come. I had so much to learn, I had so much to learn about God, who He was, and especially about His grace. And that's the thing I'm so thankful for in 7 1/2 years and 300 posts, God's Grace.
And my husband. :) There's a comment back in there, about some of my college days, by this guy named Andrew, and little did I know in 2 years I'd be married to the guy. I never could have dreamed. And I'm glad I didn't know. I've made a lot of mistakes in 7 1/2 years. But marrying that Andrew was never one of them. God's grace is so evident in our relationship, and I'm so thankful for His and Andrew's grace and patience with me over the years. Not just in winning my heart, but in living life with me.
We've come a long way since this blog started. Ironically the blog address "lifeandbeth" was suggested by a guy who I was friend's with, and almost broke my heart in many ways. But even in that God used him to show me Andrew, and what I could have there someday.
I heard this song on the radio this evening, as I was preparing supper for my husband of 5 1/2 years and my 2-year old son, with my pregant belly carrying our baby girl getting messy in the process. A life that's known sorrow and grief and the loss of babies. And this song just seems to fit.
Faith isn't something you have and then watch God move. Faith is something you have and do AS God moves and breaths in your life. This isn't foolproof doctrine. It's just a realization I'm making in my journey towards understanding faith. The biggest lesson? It's a lifetime process.
So I can only hope and pray for another 300 posts to this blog. Full of evidence of God's grace in my life. And that I let Him work. That's my prayer. To look back and see a life submitted to God and following hard after Him. No matter how many posts come and go.
A life of Faith. No matter what.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Joy & Grief
I was reading over my last two posts and realizing I don't sound very joyful. Don't get me wrong, I am. I am SO excited for this baby. But I am also apprehensive. There are days that are so hard to not just live in fear. Because once you've lost your babies, it's hard to believe that this one is for real. And now we're depressing again...sorry. I think the best way to describe it is that once the "untouchable" things in your life have been touched, and destroyed for lack of a better word, that suddenly your life seems so fragile. I'm searching for the right description here. Maybe this story can help it make a little more sense.
Sometimes a date can sneak up on you. I was getting ready for church a few weeks ago when the fact that it was November 6th hit me like a ton of bricks. I really didn't think it would bother me. But it did. It has been a year since our second baby was given over. Way too early. We already knew the baby had died, but somehow, this day was what was significant. So I cried. I was shocked that the date hit me so hard. Here I was like 12 weeks pregnant and rejoicing in our latest baby's life, and yet sobbing uncontrollably for a baby lost a year ago. Because this Babe growing strong in my womb DOES NOT replace our other 3 children. Some people who have lost babies and then gotten pregnant again fairly quickly have said that they can't mourn their miscarriage because without it they wouldn't have the child they have. I get that, but can't I wish for both? And since it's been more than a year since our first given over baby, that doesn't apply. I physically ache at times for that baby. I want to know them, to know their personality and to kiss their tiny heads and to snuggle them close. I MISS THEM. I never knew them, but I miss them. No matter the good news, that God is sovereign, that my babies know no more pain, that they are in the presence of the Savior, I MISS THEM. Do I wish for them to be here with me? Yes and no. Yes for my sake, no for theirs. But no matter what, I miss them. And that's okay. I no longer have intense anger, but I'm still sad at times. Like that day. When it just hit me. So I cried, not just for who I had lost, but for the pain that had been experienced, both physically and emotionally. And this song I'll post, suddenly made more sense to me than it ever has, even right after we lost the babies.
The lyrics that get to me are these:
"This hand is bitterness. We want to taste it and let the hatred numb our sorrows. The wise hand opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.
If hope is born of suffering, if this is only the beginning, can we not wait, for what our, watching for our Savior?
This is what it means to be held, how it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life, and you survive. This is what it is to be loved, and to know that the promise was, when everything fell, we'd be held."
I never understood the intense questioning that goes on in this song before. I never understood the intense feelings of anger, bitterness, and acceptance all at once. The "okayness" of questioning God but still asking to be held. And now I do.
You survive, but there are days when you feel and know life will never be the same. Because the sacred HAS been torn from your life. So I don't feel guilty for being apprehensive about this baby. I SO rejoice in it's life and can't wait to meet Baby. But there's always that nagging "what if I don't get to" feeling in the back of my heart. What if I don't get to meet this baby on this earth? So not shouting it from the rooftops helps soften the fear and potential hurt. But I love this Baby. Oh so much. The days between Dr.'s appts can't go fast enough. I can't wait to see Baby's little hands and fingers and wiggles and yawns again. I want to KNOW this Baby.
So the joy is there, and coming more everyday. The intense celebration? I may save that for the delivery date.
Sometimes a date can sneak up on you. I was getting ready for church a few weeks ago when the fact that it was November 6th hit me like a ton of bricks. I really didn't think it would bother me. But it did. It has been a year since our second baby was given over. Way too early. We already knew the baby had died, but somehow, this day was what was significant. So I cried. I was shocked that the date hit me so hard. Here I was like 12 weeks pregnant and rejoicing in our latest baby's life, and yet sobbing uncontrollably for a baby lost a year ago. Because this Babe growing strong in my womb DOES NOT replace our other 3 children. Some people who have lost babies and then gotten pregnant again fairly quickly have said that they can't mourn their miscarriage because without it they wouldn't have the child they have. I get that, but can't I wish for both? And since it's been more than a year since our first given over baby, that doesn't apply. I physically ache at times for that baby. I want to know them, to know their personality and to kiss their tiny heads and to snuggle them close. I MISS THEM. I never knew them, but I miss them. No matter the good news, that God is sovereign, that my babies know no more pain, that they are in the presence of the Savior, I MISS THEM. Do I wish for them to be here with me? Yes and no. Yes for my sake, no for theirs. But no matter what, I miss them. And that's okay. I no longer have intense anger, but I'm still sad at times. Like that day. When it just hit me. So I cried, not just for who I had lost, but for the pain that had been experienced, both physically and emotionally. And this song I'll post, suddenly made more sense to me than it ever has, even right after we lost the babies.
The lyrics that get to me are these:
"This hand is bitterness. We want to taste it and let the hatred numb our sorrows. The wise hand opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.
If hope is born of suffering, if this is only the beginning, can we not wait, for what our, watching for our Savior?
This is what it means to be held, how it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life, and you survive. This is what it is to be loved, and to know that the promise was, when everything fell, we'd be held."
I never understood the intense questioning that goes on in this song before. I never understood the intense feelings of anger, bitterness, and acceptance all at once. The "okayness" of questioning God but still asking to be held. And now I do.
You survive, but there are days when you feel and know life will never be the same. Because the sacred HAS been torn from your life. So I don't feel guilty for being apprehensive about this baby. I SO rejoice in it's life and can't wait to meet Baby. But there's always that nagging "what if I don't get to" feeling in the back of my heart. What if I don't get to meet this baby on this earth? So not shouting it from the rooftops helps soften the fear and potential hurt. But I love this Baby. Oh so much. The days between Dr.'s appts can't go fast enough. I can't wait to see Baby's little hands and fingers and wiggles and yawns again. I want to KNOW this Baby.
So the joy is there, and coming more everyday. The intense celebration? I may save that for the delivery date.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Blech
Blech...This word seems to sum up my life lately. I have to say, this pregnancy has been so eye opening. I thought I was sick with Levi, I thought one of the pregnancies I lost was miserable, they were nothing compared to this. And yet, I know I still had it easy compared to those who are throwing up multiple times a day. Although there were days I wished I could have thrown up, maybe I would have felt better. But most likely, probably not. But I have to say, feeling like you could puke 24/7 is NOT fun either. I may finally be on the upswing. Meaning I only feel sick 1/2 the day instead of the whole thing. Meaning I'm actually eating a few bites of dinner and not existing on cereal 24/7.
I have learned in this to be so thankful for certain things in my life.
~Like my husband. He's been so patient and understanding and compassionate. Not expecting supper freshly made every night. Not being offended when I serve him his dinner and go check out in the other room so I didn't have to smell it anymore. Not minding taking extra care of Levi in the evenings when I felt the worst. Isn't that bizarre? I feel worse as the day goes on. So much for "morning sickness" Andrew's been a hero, rubbing my back, being VERY sympathetic and undemanding. No guilt whatsoever. I love that man and his tender heart.
~Secondly I'm so thankful to be a stay-at-home Momma this time around. So that on the worst days the biggest demands on my time were someone wanting to read or play with me. Not lots of customers wanting their lattes RIGHT NOW. So that what little energy I do have, I can pour into my son and husband first and foremost. No, it's not easy financially or emotionally always to be home and not working. But when I see Levi and the things he learns everyday and the joy of sharing that with Andrew, well it's all worth it. Some people may say I'm not "contributing" to our household financially. Well, so what? Because I am contributing to the upbringing of our legacy. I'll take that over false financial guilt anyday. And so would Andrew.
~Thirdly I am SO thankful for our amazing OB/GYN. She's been with us ever since I was trying to get pregnant with Levi. She walked that whole ridiculous path with us, even though she didn't get to deliver Levi, she made sure we were in good hands when transferred. She walked us through the dark days of miscarriage, twice. She looked extra hard to see our twins, even though they were gone, to give us hope that we had conceived miracles. And she rejoiced in this pregnancy with us and looked from the very beginning at the ultrasounds for every positive thing she could find to encourage us. She scheduled 2 appointments for us the week we had lost the other pregnancies, to let us sleep at night. I ran into a labor and delivery nurse today that I had known through the 'Bou and had when in the hospital before Levi was born. And shared our good news and chatted about my Dr. You know how wonderful it is to know that the nurses love your Dr. too? If they have good things to say, and they see it all, the good, the bad, the ugly, and the weird, then you know you're getting the true story. God has blessed our hearts with our Dr. She's cared for us above and beyond necessity.
Someone asked me why I didn't "announce" on Facebook, just linked to my blog there. Truth be told, I hesitated even to do that. Because of the following thoughts...
~First, I have to say this. I DO NOT resent anyone who has announced their pregnancy on Facebook. Or who is pregnant.
~Secondly, while the above it true, this is also true. When you have lost a baby, hearing in person about someone's pregnancy is hard, but reading it on an impersonal media site? Devastating. Maybe this will help you understand better. This is copied from a blog post I linked to several months ago when a game was going around on Facebook. About posting a hypothetical "pregnancy" to raise awareness for Breast Cancer. Frist of all it's ridiculous to think that would work, and it's also hurtful. This gal sums up why:
"If you played the game, I guarantee you there is someone on your friends list who saw you post your fake pregnancy, and for a moment, she was reminded of her empty aching womb, preparing herself to congratulate you, because she loves you, and yes, she IS truly happy for you. If you ever do get pregnant, please know that. She went through the emotions that come with such a sensitive situation for her, and she probably cried. And when she found out it was all a joke, she probably felt anger and pain and learned NOTHING about Breast Cancer Awareness."
Copied from this blog: http://cgwardphotography.blogspot.com/2011/08/regarding-facebook-breast-cancer.html?spref=fb
I can't really say it any better. I've always been excited and thankful for those who can get pregnant and have healthy babies. And I've prayed for them, that they won't experience the losses I have.
But it still hurts. Especially 2 days after undergoing surgery to remove your 2nd lost pregnancy. When you see someone is now announcing their pregnancy and is due 2 days before you were. Or 3 weeks. Or anytime in the vicinity. Because it IS a painful reminder of all you've lost.
So no, I don't resent anyone who's announced their pregnancy on Facebook. But I choose not to. At some point it will become impossible to keep quiet. And I did choose to link to my blog post, even knowing comments would come on that link. I just choose to not proclaim from the rooftops that I have something someone else may be longing for. Because we DON'T know what someone else is going through. Baby loss is still a taboo subject to many. Now, this post recently circulated Facebook, and this one I was proud to post:
Today we remember the babies who were born asleep, or whom we carried but never met, or those we have held but could not take home, or the ones who made it home, but didn't stay. Make this your profile status if you or someone you know has suffered the loss of a baby. The majority of you won't do it, because unlike cancer, baby loss is still a taboo subject. Break the silence. In memory of all lost ones ♥
So, ever since the losses I've kept a lot of my life off Facebook. Because I don't want to hurt anyone to be hurt by me, intentionaly or unintentionaly.
Yes, we celebrate this baby's life. We're thankful for Baby. But we want to share in the area we feel most comfortable, and to think of others at the same time.
So I hope that makes sense without being too much of a soapbox. And I pray that next year I'll be posting pictures of our new little one. Maybe on Facebook...maybe not.
I have learned in this to be so thankful for certain things in my life.
~Like my husband. He's been so patient and understanding and compassionate. Not expecting supper freshly made every night. Not being offended when I serve him his dinner and go check out in the other room so I didn't have to smell it anymore. Not minding taking extra care of Levi in the evenings when I felt the worst. Isn't that bizarre? I feel worse as the day goes on. So much for "morning sickness" Andrew's been a hero, rubbing my back, being VERY sympathetic and undemanding. No guilt whatsoever. I love that man and his tender heart.
~Secondly I'm so thankful to be a stay-at-home Momma this time around. So that on the worst days the biggest demands on my time were someone wanting to read or play with me. Not lots of customers wanting their lattes RIGHT NOW. So that what little energy I do have, I can pour into my son and husband first and foremost. No, it's not easy financially or emotionally always to be home and not working. But when I see Levi and the things he learns everyday and the joy of sharing that with Andrew, well it's all worth it. Some people may say I'm not "contributing" to our household financially. Well, so what? Because I am contributing to the upbringing of our legacy. I'll take that over false financial guilt anyday. And so would Andrew.
~Thirdly I am SO thankful for our amazing OB/GYN. She's been with us ever since I was trying to get pregnant with Levi. She walked that whole ridiculous path with us, even though she didn't get to deliver Levi, she made sure we were in good hands when transferred. She walked us through the dark days of miscarriage, twice. She looked extra hard to see our twins, even though they were gone, to give us hope that we had conceived miracles. And she rejoiced in this pregnancy with us and looked from the very beginning at the ultrasounds for every positive thing she could find to encourage us. She scheduled 2 appointments for us the week we had lost the other pregnancies, to let us sleep at night. I ran into a labor and delivery nurse today that I had known through the 'Bou and had when in the hospital before Levi was born. And shared our good news and chatted about my Dr. You know how wonderful it is to know that the nurses love your Dr. too? If they have good things to say, and they see it all, the good, the bad, the ugly, and the weird, then you know you're getting the true story. God has blessed our hearts with our Dr. She's cared for us above and beyond necessity.
Someone asked me why I didn't "announce" on Facebook, just linked to my blog there. Truth be told, I hesitated even to do that. Because of the following thoughts...
~First, I have to say this. I DO NOT resent anyone who has announced their pregnancy on Facebook. Or who is pregnant.
~Secondly, while the above it true, this is also true. When you have lost a baby, hearing in person about someone's pregnancy is hard, but reading it on an impersonal media site? Devastating. Maybe this will help you understand better. This is copied from a blog post I linked to several months ago when a game was going around on Facebook. About posting a hypothetical "pregnancy" to raise awareness for Breast Cancer. Frist of all it's ridiculous to think that would work, and it's also hurtful. This gal sums up why:
"If you played the game, I guarantee you there is someone on your friends list who saw you post your fake pregnancy, and for a moment, she was reminded of her empty aching womb, preparing herself to congratulate you, because she loves you, and yes, she IS truly happy for you. If you ever do get pregnant, please know that. She went through the emotions that come with such a sensitive situation for her, and she probably cried. And when she found out it was all a joke, she probably felt anger and pain and learned NOTHING about Breast Cancer Awareness."
Copied from this blog: http://cgwardphotography.blogspot.com/2011/08/regarding-facebook-breast-cancer.html?spref=fb
I can't really say it any better. I've always been excited and thankful for those who can get pregnant and have healthy babies. And I've prayed for them, that they won't experience the losses I have.
But it still hurts. Especially 2 days after undergoing surgery to remove your 2nd lost pregnancy. When you see someone is now announcing their pregnancy and is due 2 days before you were. Or 3 weeks. Or anytime in the vicinity. Because it IS a painful reminder of all you've lost.
So no, I don't resent anyone who's announced their pregnancy on Facebook. But I choose not to. At some point it will become impossible to keep quiet. And I did choose to link to my blog post, even knowing comments would come on that link. I just choose to not proclaim from the rooftops that I have something someone else may be longing for. Because we DON'T know what someone else is going through. Baby loss is still a taboo subject to many. Now, this post recently circulated Facebook, and this one I was proud to post:
Today we remember the babies who were born asleep, or whom we carried but never met, or those we have held but could not take home, or the ones who made it home, but didn't stay. Make this your profile status if you or someone you know has suffered the loss of a baby. The majority of you won't do it, because unlike cancer, baby loss is still a taboo subject. Break the silence. In memory of all lost ones ♥
So, ever since the losses I've kept a lot of my life off Facebook. Because I don't want to hurt anyone to be hurt by me, intentionaly or unintentionaly.
Yes, we celebrate this baby's life. We're thankful for Baby. But we want to share in the area we feel most comfortable, and to think of others at the same time.
So I hope that makes sense without being too much of a soapbox. And I pray that next year I'll be posting pictures of our new little one. Maybe on Facebook...maybe not.
Tuesday, November 08, 2011
Finally
I know, I know, it's been a while again. Here's the thing, when you can't write about the biggest thing you want to write about, it's hard to come up with meaningful thoughts that don't revolve around that thing. Confused?
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Meet the Newest Baby Preston.
And I'm crying. :) Tears of Joy. We've been waiting, and waiting to share. Even now I'm fighting the fear of "going public". I'm afraid as soon as we "announce" that something will happen to baby. Fear has been a big factor in this pregnancy. But God is gracious and patient, and I'm learning on a whole new level what trust REALLY means.
So baby is 12 1/2 weeks along. This ultrasound is with the baby facing you, so the eye sockets can look kind of creepy. You can see baby's leg all stretched out on the left and in the middle there's kind of a bright white streak of the arm and then just below that you can actually see the bones of a hand. Baby was moving all over for this ultrasound and the heart has been strong and Baby just looks great! We've been seeing the Dr. A LOT, we are so blessed with a Dr. who has walked us through every step of our family's journey and understands all we've been through. She loves letting us check on Baby every week. The scariest/most anxious week was that week between 7 and 8 weeks. We saw the Dr. twice that week, just to keep an eye out. That was the week where we'd lost the last 3 babies (2 pregnancies). By 8 weeks 2 days it was very evident this baby was still strong and growing limbs. :) I thought I'd be super relieved, and I was, but fear can be powerful. So we're praying and trusting and hoping.
It's been a rough pregnancy, I've never been so sick. People tend to say that being sick is a good sign of a healthy pregnancy. I don't totally agree because I was sick with every pregnancy, but this has definitely been the worst. I'm so thankful for a wonderful and supportive husband who knows how to cook. :) There were some really rough weeks in there where it took everything I posessed to just stay alive and care for Levi. We read lots of books in those weeks. And praise the Lord for Sesame Street and Signing Time. But I think we're on the upswing. I finally feel like actually seeing and talking to people again. And not just puking on their shoes. No matter what though, I'm so thankful to be pregnant. People can be a little less than careful shall we say, and when they hear you're sick share stories of people who were sick their entire pregnancies. Not exactly encouraging when you wonder if you'll ever have color in your cheeks again and actually WANT to eat. But even if I am sick the entire time, that's ok. Because Baby is SO worth it.
There's so much more to share, and in the days to come I will. I'll share some thoughts on the future weeks and what we expect the rest of this pregnancy to look like. But for now, some of my more predominant thoughts.
When I first saw the 2 pink positive lines on the pregnancy test, 8 weeks ago, I would be lieing if I told you I jumped for joy. In that moment I severely questioned our decision to try again for another baby. Because it had been so recent since we'd lost the twins. But in that fleeting second of "Lord, Please, I can't do this again" I chose a different attitude. I literally said in my mind "Lord, you created this life. You chose this baby for us and are forming it's parts, so let me rejoice in that miracle. I WILL rejoice in what you have made." It was so early, baby wasn't even a centimeter big yet, but I knew from the moment this baby was conceived, that God had planned it's life. So we would rejoice, no matter what. I am SO thankful that it appears we will get to meet this baby on this earth, but even if we don't, this baby has been a blessing from God.
Which leads to my second thought, bonding. I have to say that watching this baby grow is so different from Levi. I think with your first child you of course love and want this baby. But you don't quite grasp the reality of what that will look like. You don't understand that the moment you hear that child's first cry, your heart is now living outside your body. That your very being will love that child more than you can ever comprehend. Now, this time? I see Levi, I see the love and the intense emotion I experience for him. So I get it a little better. I feel like I've already bonded so much with this baby. I so anticipate every little whimper and sigh and snuggle and little fingers and toes to kiss. Yes, there will be rough days of course, but I can't wait to meet this little one. For I see the love and joy that I've experienced with Levi, and I can only imagine and anticipate how that will simply multiple for this next Baby.
So, there you have it. Finally, something to talk about. :) We do want to say that we so would appreciate all of your prayers and blessings for this Baby. We've been praying from day 1 for God's protection for this Baby and we continue to do so. We also choose to trust God's plan is best. But we do pray with hope and longing that this Babe is here to stay for now. So thank you, for sharing our joy and praying for us. We are so thankful.
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Meet the Newest Baby Preston.
And I'm crying. :) Tears of Joy. We've been waiting, and waiting to share. Even now I'm fighting the fear of "going public". I'm afraid as soon as we "announce" that something will happen to baby. Fear has been a big factor in this pregnancy. But God is gracious and patient, and I'm learning on a whole new level what trust REALLY means.
So baby is 12 1/2 weeks along. This ultrasound is with the baby facing you, so the eye sockets can look kind of creepy. You can see baby's leg all stretched out on the left and in the middle there's kind of a bright white streak of the arm and then just below that you can actually see the bones of a hand. Baby was moving all over for this ultrasound and the heart has been strong and Baby just looks great! We've been seeing the Dr. A LOT, we are so blessed with a Dr. who has walked us through every step of our family's journey and understands all we've been through. She loves letting us check on Baby every week. The scariest/most anxious week was that week between 7 and 8 weeks. We saw the Dr. twice that week, just to keep an eye out. That was the week where we'd lost the last 3 babies (2 pregnancies). By 8 weeks 2 days it was very evident this baby was still strong and growing limbs. :) I thought I'd be super relieved, and I was, but fear can be powerful. So we're praying and trusting and hoping.
It's been a rough pregnancy, I've never been so sick. People tend to say that being sick is a good sign of a healthy pregnancy. I don't totally agree because I was sick with every pregnancy, but this has definitely been the worst. I'm so thankful for a wonderful and supportive husband who knows how to cook. :) There were some really rough weeks in there where it took everything I posessed to just stay alive and care for Levi. We read lots of books in those weeks. And praise the Lord for Sesame Street and Signing Time. But I think we're on the upswing. I finally feel like actually seeing and talking to people again. And not just puking on their shoes. No matter what though, I'm so thankful to be pregnant. People can be a little less than careful shall we say, and when they hear you're sick share stories of people who were sick their entire pregnancies. Not exactly encouraging when you wonder if you'll ever have color in your cheeks again and actually WANT to eat. But even if I am sick the entire time, that's ok. Because Baby is SO worth it.
There's so much more to share, and in the days to come I will. I'll share some thoughts on the future weeks and what we expect the rest of this pregnancy to look like. But for now, some of my more predominant thoughts.
When I first saw the 2 pink positive lines on the pregnancy test, 8 weeks ago, I would be lieing if I told you I jumped for joy. In that moment I severely questioned our decision to try again for another baby. Because it had been so recent since we'd lost the twins. But in that fleeting second of "Lord, Please, I can't do this again" I chose a different attitude. I literally said in my mind "Lord, you created this life. You chose this baby for us and are forming it's parts, so let me rejoice in that miracle. I WILL rejoice in what you have made." It was so early, baby wasn't even a centimeter big yet, but I knew from the moment this baby was conceived, that God had planned it's life. So we would rejoice, no matter what. I am SO thankful that it appears we will get to meet this baby on this earth, but even if we don't, this baby has been a blessing from God.
Which leads to my second thought, bonding. I have to say that watching this baby grow is so different from Levi. I think with your first child you of course love and want this baby. But you don't quite grasp the reality of what that will look like. You don't understand that the moment you hear that child's first cry, your heart is now living outside your body. That your very being will love that child more than you can ever comprehend. Now, this time? I see Levi, I see the love and the intense emotion I experience for him. So I get it a little better. I feel like I've already bonded so much with this baby. I so anticipate every little whimper and sigh and snuggle and little fingers and toes to kiss. Yes, there will be rough days of course, but I can't wait to meet this little one. For I see the love and joy that I've experienced with Levi, and I can only imagine and anticipate how that will simply multiple for this next Baby.
So, there you have it. Finally, something to talk about. :) We do want to say that we so would appreciate all of your prayers and blessings for this Baby. We've been praying from day 1 for God's protection for this Baby and we continue to do so. We also choose to trust God's plan is best. But we do pray with hope and longing that this Babe is here to stay for now. So thank you, for sharing our joy and praying for us. We are so thankful.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Love Conquers Fear
Why do we fear? What do we fear? What is fear really?
Just some profound thoughts for your Tuesday. If you thought I had the answers you are now disillusioned. Because, get this now, I am fearful at times. I'm not sure if it's a personality bent or something that comes with age and responsibility. Although I remember as a kid being incredibly fearful of Alice in Wonderland and weird-colored cats. Dude, that movie had issues. I remember being fearful of being kidnapped and of monsters in the dark (Which on a farm wasn't so far off-base. You never knew when a random cow/horse/cat/dog/goat would appear and scare you halfway across the pasture). But somehow, as a child, you knew in general you were being silly. That you could trust Mom & Dad to take care of you as much as possible and Jesus had the rest covered.
Now? As an adult? Mom & Dad may actually still take care of me in some ways, but they're not there in the middle of the night anymore. :) And somehow things to fear become more real and conrete and threatening.
This economy hasn't been all that gracious to anyone. We all worry about the goverment and the money running out. We worry about our jobs, housing, groceries, and in these frigid days, heat bills. We worry about our health and health insurance and dogs eating stupid things and vet bills. We worry about, well, a lot.
But when does worry become fear? And aren't both of them sin? I'll say yes to that one.
There's so much I could say about fear, but I will say this, what I'm learning these days as I'm facing fear head on in so many situations, nd running like a coward at times, God's still there. Last week I had just such a day. A day when fear overwhelmed me and I literally, for the probably the first time in my life, didn't know what to do. I now understand those who say fear can be paralyzing. Because I knew that life must go on, but I was too afraid to let it. And, like He always does, God faithfully reminded me who's got it covered. Specifically with this song on the radio:
And I was overwhelmed by God's immense love and care for me. No, the fear doesn't just dissappear. That requires prayer and trust and fighting the evil one who is the father of lies and fear. But I was overhwelmed by the knowledge that God really does want what is best for me. No, He doesn't enjoy pain and suffering and hurting. He may use it for His glory however. But overall, God wants joy for me. In Him. All the time.
So no matter the fearful thing or situation today, know this: God's still there. He's got this. If you only trust Him with your whole life. His love has fear beat before the battle even begins.
Just some profound thoughts for your Tuesday. If you thought I had the answers you are now disillusioned. Because, get this now, I am fearful at times. I'm not sure if it's a personality bent or something that comes with age and responsibility. Although I remember as a kid being incredibly fearful of Alice in Wonderland and weird-colored cats. Dude, that movie had issues. I remember being fearful of being kidnapped and of monsters in the dark (Which on a farm wasn't so far off-base. You never knew when a random cow/horse/cat/dog/goat would appear and scare you halfway across the pasture). But somehow, as a child, you knew in general you were being silly. That you could trust Mom & Dad to take care of you as much as possible and Jesus had the rest covered.
Now? As an adult? Mom & Dad may actually still take care of me in some ways, but they're not there in the middle of the night anymore. :) And somehow things to fear become more real and conrete and threatening.
This economy hasn't been all that gracious to anyone. We all worry about the goverment and the money running out. We worry about our jobs, housing, groceries, and in these frigid days, heat bills. We worry about our health and health insurance and dogs eating stupid things and vet bills. We worry about, well, a lot.
But when does worry become fear? And aren't both of them sin? I'll say yes to that one.
There's so much I could say about fear, but I will say this, what I'm learning these days as I'm facing fear head on in so many situations, nd running like a coward at times, God's still there. Last week I had just such a day. A day when fear overwhelmed me and I literally, for the probably the first time in my life, didn't know what to do. I now understand those who say fear can be paralyzing. Because I knew that life must go on, but I was too afraid to let it. And, like He always does, God faithfully reminded me who's got it covered. Specifically with this song on the radio:
And I was overwhelmed by God's immense love and care for me. No, the fear doesn't just dissappear. That requires prayer and trust and fighting the evil one who is the father of lies and fear. But I was overhwelmed by the knowledge that God really does want what is best for me. No, He doesn't enjoy pain and suffering and hurting. He may use it for His glory however. But overall, God wants joy for me. In Him. All the time.
So no matter the fearful thing or situation today, know this: God's still there. He's got this. If you only trust Him with your whole life. His love has fear beat before the battle even begins.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
On The Road Marked
What is your road marked with? No, I'm not talking about your street signs, but rather the lyrics to this popular praise & worship song, Blessed Be Your Name. In particular, these lines:
"Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name"
Since I'm all about openess and sharing my heart this week, I'll share this. It was hard to share. Not in the moment, I knew it was the right thing to do. But now, now it's hard. Because it's out there. You all know the pain and vulnerbility of my heart. I've had lots of encouragement, but some harder questions too. Some people assume because it's my body that's miscarrying, that it's my fault, or at the very least, my body's fault. Which may or may not be true. There may be nothing that can be explained medically. There may be an issue with Andrew's Chromosones that can cause miscarriage. Crazy huh? Here's the thing, it doesn't matter. Shall we point fingers? I think not. Because it doesn't matter. God's in control no matter the physical causes. So let's dwell on the fact that God is sovereign and rest in that.
So yes, it's been a tough few days. But God is still faithful. He will walk us through every road He has for us. When the sun may shine down on us, when the world is "as it should be", or if suffering marks the rest of our lives, and they are full of pain, it's okay. God be glorified no matter what marks our roads. If they are sun covered or pain filled, He knows and should be glorified.
The end of that song goes like this:
"You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name"
Sometimes, when you're in the midst of a painful time, it's actually hard to talk to people sometimes who aren't. Or those people may feel awkward around you because they haven't gone through what you are and feel bad almost, for having a "sunny" life. That's ridiculous. God knows. Yes, when you're in the midst of pain, it is not always easy to not wonder why God doesn't have that for you. But it's not up to us. So no bitterness. He gives and takes away. We MUST CHOOSE to say, Lord, Blessed Be Your Name.
"Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name"
Since I'm all about openess and sharing my heart this week, I'll share this. It was hard to share. Not in the moment, I knew it was the right thing to do. But now, now it's hard. Because it's out there. You all know the pain and vulnerbility of my heart. I've had lots of encouragement, but some harder questions too. Some people assume because it's my body that's miscarrying, that it's my fault, or at the very least, my body's fault. Which may or may not be true. There may be nothing that can be explained medically. There may be an issue with Andrew's Chromosones that can cause miscarriage. Crazy huh? Here's the thing, it doesn't matter. Shall we point fingers? I think not. Because it doesn't matter. God's in control no matter the physical causes. So let's dwell on the fact that God is sovereign and rest in that.
So yes, it's been a tough few days. But God is still faithful. He will walk us through every road He has for us. When the sun may shine down on us, when the world is "as it should be", or if suffering marks the rest of our lives, and they are full of pain, it's okay. God be glorified no matter what marks our roads. If they are sun covered or pain filled, He knows and should be glorified.
The end of that song goes like this:
"You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name"
Sometimes, when you're in the midst of a painful time, it's actually hard to talk to people sometimes who aren't. Or those people may feel awkward around you because they haven't gone through what you are and feel bad almost, for having a "sunny" life. That's ridiculous. God knows. Yes, when you're in the midst of pain, it is not always easy to not wonder why God doesn't have that for you. But it's not up to us. So no bitterness. He gives and takes away. We MUST CHOOSE to say, Lord, Blessed Be Your Name.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
The Story - Blessings
As Promised, a good post for today. This is what we shared with our church family this morning. After several months, we needed to share. It's a long read but one I believe is worth it. I hope it blesses you and encourages to let God work in your life.
Do you know what a Great God we serve? That our God is full of grace, overflowing with mercy? We want to share a bit of that grace and mercy at work with you.
I think almost all of you know the general story surrounding Levi's birth. It was not a totally routine pregnancy, and the last 9 weeks were anything but typical, resulting in his early and miraculous arrival at almost 34 weeks.
I think many of you may know we found out last September that we were again expecting. Considering all the prayers surrounding Levi’s existence, this seemed to be a total miracle from the Lord. Then at less than 8 weeks our baby’s heart stopped beating and we learned it was gone. I won’t go into details except to say this was very hard for us and I struggled for several months just to maintain “normal” and not sink into depression. God was merciful AND gracious and taught me so much through that time. And the Lord and my husband were both so very patient with me.
We were told not to let this miscarriage keep us from having more kids and we purposed to do so. I learned to just pray for hope. After such a battle of accepting God’s will, I just prayed that He would give us some hope to go on. Not just hope to have another child, but hope to conceive again, hope to get through each day.
On May 7th we again learned we were expecting. I immediately saw my Doctor for confirmation and continued to do so every week to make sure everything was going well. We heard the heartbeat several times and could even make it out beating on the screen. On June 10th we celebrated 5 years of married life. It seemed so right to celebrate and was a much needed time.
And in my heart I prayed and prayed. Not just for this baby to live, but for God to prepare me for whatever He had. That no matter what happened with this pregnancy, that He would be glorified, and that I would be totally submitted. Not just to the good in life, but to His Will.
On June 20th we went in for our weekly checkup. This time, the baby did not have a heartbeat. Closer examination proved that there was indeed no heartbeat. But there was also a surprise. There was not 1, but 2 tiny, miniscule babies on the screen. But neither one had a heartbeat. After so many more prayers, we were facing more death and loss. The doctor, I think simply instinctively, called our babies “products of conception” when describing the next steps. I immediately corrected her. They were babies. I know the medical terminology says embryos then fetuses, but we firmly believe they were alive and had life. That from the moment of conception our children had souls and were eternal beings. But it was true that they were gone, and the next day we said good-bye to our little miracles.
I have cried, I have grieved for sure. But here’s the thing, I didn’t feel the despair of the first time. Not just because we’ve been here done that, but because God has answered my original prayer. I had prayed for hope; hope that we would have more children. And what did He do? He gave us 2 little babies. No, they didn’t live. But that doesn’t have to lead to hopelessness. Because I did and do have hope. I choose this time, instead of despair, to immediately give my grief to God. I still feel anger, rage even, but I immediately turn it over to the one who can handle it. I choose to firmly believe in my heart that God’s plan was perfect. Because that is the truth in all of this; that God knows exactly what our family is supposed to look like. These babies were not His perfect plan for us on this earth. But it was His perfect plan for them to be conceived. These losses were not mistakes.
This did not mean that we don’t grieve. I still cry. I still weep at certain songs. I could go on and on and share so much of my heart, but what I really want to share is this. All Glory Be To Our God. The night we learned of our babies’ death, I didn’t sleep much. I cried, I prayed when I could find the words, but most of all, I leaned wholeheartedly on the Lord. God hasn’t walked with us through this, He has carried us. Psalm 34:15 says “the Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Like I said, I have grieved, I am brokenhearted. But I am NOT inconsolable. The first baby we “gave over” to the Lord (I Samuel 1:27-28) it was such a comfort to me to know our child was in Heaven and experiencing no pain. A dear lady shared with me this picture. Here on earth we pray so hard that we will be able to introduce our children to Jesus. But someday, my child (children) will get to introduce me to Jesus. That is an amazing balm to my heart. God knows. This time, I was so comforted already that our babies were safe, that I almost didn’t dwell on that. They were fine, they didn’t need me anymore. Instead, we talked a lot and asked ourselves, “What does God want to do with this?” Basically, what is He trying to accomplish in us and others through this? And will we let Him? I remember in one late night talk with Andrew saying “I don’t want to waste this.” God is doing something in our lives and I don’t want to waste this opportunity. So when I say All Glory Be To Our God, I mean that.
I don’t want to waste this grief, this pain on myself. It’s taken me a while to be willing to be open enough to share about this. We didn’t get to share the joy of the coming babies with many people, and we didn’t immediately share the grief. But we do want to do what I said, not waste this. If we can’t share our grief, and what God is doing, then why go through it? Yes, there are personal struggles, but if I truly believe in the body of Christ, both in this congregation, and in the world, and I believe that we are knit together in Christ, then I will share both my joys and my heartaches.
And so, here is our heartache. We don’t know where we’re going from here. But we do know this, God does. We have not been promised an easy life. The idea that once we trust Christ all will be rosy and ok is a lie from the devil. We will have burdens and sorrows. Christ said in Matthew 11: “Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." The thing is, we do have a yoke and even burdens at times, but with Christ, it will be right. Faith doesn’t make it hurt less, it’s still painful. But faith makes it worth it.
Another thing we’ve learned is to not compare trials. What we’re experiencing isn’t necessarily worse or easier than your life. It’s just ours. I have a friends who lost babies full-term and friends who are waiting to bring their children home. Is their suffering any harder? I’m not sure, because it’s theirs.
God has a different story for each of us, and I just pray that we will be faithful to what He is doing and that we will not waste any of it. Real faith isn’t just asking for something different, it’s submitting to what God has, and embracing it.
Philippians 1:6 says this “And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” We may not see the completion on this earth, but someday, we will be totally complete in Christ. And I firmly cling to this promise in Psalm 63:8 "My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me." God will not fail.
Isaiah 40:25-31
25 To whom then will you compare me,
that I should be like him? says the Holy One.
26Lift up your eyes on high and see:
who created these?
He who brings out their host by number,
calling them all by name,
by the greatness of his might,
and because he is strong in power
not one is missing.
27Why do you say, O Jacob,
and speak, O Israel,
"My way is hidden from the LORD,
and my right is disregarded by my God"?
28 Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.
29He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.
30Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
31but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.”
Most people focus on verse 31 in this passage. I cling to verse 28 and who God is. Because without that, the verses that follow hold no meaning or hope. God does not faint, does not grow weary, and His understanding, His ways, they are unsearchable. God is at the center, not us, not even what is happening to us by Him, it’s not about us, it’s about HIM.
I want to share a song that I heard when I was still pregnant with these babies, and then when we lost them it became a lifeline to my heart. I sang it over and over to myself that first night. I pray that you will see the truth in it and embrace whatever God is trying to do in you today.
And so that's the story. I managed to make it through talking without crying, not so with the song. Because God knows. We appreciate your prayers. We're more than willing to talk about this, if it's a rough day, we'll just tell you so.
Do you know what a Great God we serve? That our God is full of grace, overflowing with mercy? We want to share a bit of that grace and mercy at work with you.
I think almost all of you know the general story surrounding Levi's birth. It was not a totally routine pregnancy, and the last 9 weeks were anything but typical, resulting in his early and miraculous arrival at almost 34 weeks.
I think many of you may know we found out last September that we were again expecting. Considering all the prayers surrounding Levi’s existence, this seemed to be a total miracle from the Lord. Then at less than 8 weeks our baby’s heart stopped beating and we learned it was gone. I won’t go into details except to say this was very hard for us and I struggled for several months just to maintain “normal” and not sink into depression. God was merciful AND gracious and taught me so much through that time. And the Lord and my husband were both so very patient with me.
We were told not to let this miscarriage keep us from having more kids and we purposed to do so. I learned to just pray for hope. After such a battle of accepting God’s will, I just prayed that He would give us some hope to go on. Not just hope to have another child, but hope to conceive again, hope to get through each day.
On May 7th we again learned we were expecting. I immediately saw my Doctor for confirmation and continued to do so every week to make sure everything was going well. We heard the heartbeat several times and could even make it out beating on the screen. On June 10th we celebrated 5 years of married life. It seemed so right to celebrate and was a much needed time.
And in my heart I prayed and prayed. Not just for this baby to live, but for God to prepare me for whatever He had. That no matter what happened with this pregnancy, that He would be glorified, and that I would be totally submitted. Not just to the good in life, but to His Will.
On June 20th we went in for our weekly checkup. This time, the baby did not have a heartbeat. Closer examination proved that there was indeed no heartbeat. But there was also a surprise. There was not 1, but 2 tiny, miniscule babies on the screen. But neither one had a heartbeat. After so many more prayers, we were facing more death and loss. The doctor, I think simply instinctively, called our babies “products of conception” when describing the next steps. I immediately corrected her. They were babies. I know the medical terminology says embryos then fetuses, but we firmly believe they were alive and had life. That from the moment of conception our children had souls and were eternal beings. But it was true that they were gone, and the next day we said good-bye to our little miracles.
I have cried, I have grieved for sure. But here’s the thing, I didn’t feel the despair of the first time. Not just because we’ve been here done that, but because God has answered my original prayer. I had prayed for hope; hope that we would have more children. And what did He do? He gave us 2 little babies. No, they didn’t live. But that doesn’t have to lead to hopelessness. Because I did and do have hope. I choose this time, instead of despair, to immediately give my grief to God. I still feel anger, rage even, but I immediately turn it over to the one who can handle it. I choose to firmly believe in my heart that God’s plan was perfect. Because that is the truth in all of this; that God knows exactly what our family is supposed to look like. These babies were not His perfect plan for us on this earth. But it was His perfect plan for them to be conceived. These losses were not mistakes.
This did not mean that we don’t grieve. I still cry. I still weep at certain songs. I could go on and on and share so much of my heart, but what I really want to share is this. All Glory Be To Our God. The night we learned of our babies’ death, I didn’t sleep much. I cried, I prayed when I could find the words, but most of all, I leaned wholeheartedly on the Lord. God hasn’t walked with us through this, He has carried us. Psalm 34:15 says “the Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Like I said, I have grieved, I am brokenhearted. But I am NOT inconsolable. The first baby we “gave over” to the Lord (I Samuel 1:27-28) it was such a comfort to me to know our child was in Heaven and experiencing no pain. A dear lady shared with me this picture. Here on earth we pray so hard that we will be able to introduce our children to Jesus. But someday, my child (children) will get to introduce me to Jesus. That is an amazing balm to my heart. God knows. This time, I was so comforted already that our babies were safe, that I almost didn’t dwell on that. They were fine, they didn’t need me anymore. Instead, we talked a lot and asked ourselves, “What does God want to do with this?” Basically, what is He trying to accomplish in us and others through this? And will we let Him? I remember in one late night talk with Andrew saying “I don’t want to waste this.” God is doing something in our lives and I don’t want to waste this opportunity. So when I say All Glory Be To Our God, I mean that.
I don’t want to waste this grief, this pain on myself. It’s taken me a while to be willing to be open enough to share about this. We didn’t get to share the joy of the coming babies with many people, and we didn’t immediately share the grief. But we do want to do what I said, not waste this. If we can’t share our grief, and what God is doing, then why go through it? Yes, there are personal struggles, but if I truly believe in the body of Christ, both in this congregation, and in the world, and I believe that we are knit together in Christ, then I will share both my joys and my heartaches.
And so, here is our heartache. We don’t know where we’re going from here. But we do know this, God does. We have not been promised an easy life. The idea that once we trust Christ all will be rosy and ok is a lie from the devil. We will have burdens and sorrows. Christ said in Matthew 11: “Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." The thing is, we do have a yoke and even burdens at times, but with Christ, it will be right. Faith doesn’t make it hurt less, it’s still painful. But faith makes it worth it.
Another thing we’ve learned is to not compare trials. What we’re experiencing isn’t necessarily worse or easier than your life. It’s just ours. I have a friends who lost babies full-term and friends who are waiting to bring their children home. Is their suffering any harder? I’m not sure, because it’s theirs.
God has a different story for each of us, and I just pray that we will be faithful to what He is doing and that we will not waste any of it. Real faith isn’t just asking for something different, it’s submitting to what God has, and embracing it.
Philippians 1:6 says this “And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” We may not see the completion on this earth, but someday, we will be totally complete in Christ. And I firmly cling to this promise in Psalm 63:8 "My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me." God will not fail.
Isaiah 40:25-31
25 To whom then will you compare me,
that I should be like him? says the Holy One.
26Lift up your eyes on high and see:
who created these?
He who brings out their host by number,
calling them all by name,
by the greatness of his might,
and because he is strong in power
not one is missing.
27Why do you say, O Jacob,
and speak, O Israel,
"My way is hidden from the LORD,
and my right is disregarded by my God"?
28 Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.
29He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.
30Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
31but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.”
Most people focus on verse 31 in this passage. I cling to verse 28 and who God is. Because without that, the verses that follow hold no meaning or hope. God does not faint, does not grow weary, and His understanding, His ways, they are unsearchable. God is at the center, not us, not even what is happening to us by Him, it’s not about us, it’s about HIM.
I want to share a song that I heard when I was still pregnant with these babies, and then when we lost them it became a lifeline to my heart. I sang it over and over to myself that first night. I pray that you will see the truth in it and embrace whatever God is trying to do in you today.
And so that's the story. I managed to make it through talking without crying, not so with the song. Because God knows. We appreciate your prayers. We're more than willing to talk about this, if it's a rough day, we'll just tell you so.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
It's Only For A Season
Whoosh...That's the air leaving the house as everyone exits. It's been a bit of a crazy week. The in-laws were here last "weekend" into this week. We had an extra 2-year-old most of the week, which was super fun and crazy. And my parents were visiting this weekend, with another quick drop in from the in-laws today. It didn't seem so crazy when we planned it, but as I look at a week that may just be a tad more "normal" it feels like we've been just so busy.
Having an extra toddler a lot of this week has had me thinking. At times talking about twins seems overwhelming, like the 3/4/5am feedings that could happen. At other times, when they entertained themselves for 15 minutes blowing on the glass door, it makes sense.
The lesson? In every situation, hardship, life cycle, tantrum, teething, sleep-deprived moment, I need to remember this:
IT'S ONLY FOR A SEASON.
There's a cute new 3 1/2 week old bundle in this world. Her Momma is a dear friend to me. Baby weighs less than 7 pounds. Which means 2 more pounds than Levi at birth. Here's the thing. I don't remember. As I hold her little tiny frame, I can't remember exactly how it felt to hold a tiny boy smaller than that. It kind of makes me want to cry. Because all those days/weeks in the hospital, all the wires, all the tubes, the feedings, the sleepless nights, they seemed to be never-ending and all-consuming. And they were, for that season. But it's gone, and I don't know if they'll ever happen again.
I remember when I was pregnant with Levi, wondering who he was and what he'd be like. And today as his 23 pound skinny frame runs around my kitchen and then grabs my legs in a bear hug, I know my boy. It's so fun to get the hugs and kisses and hear "Daddy-a's truck" "Dex, Obie, Car, Noises, Eyes" etc...
But I do wish I could remember his teeny-tiny frame.
So, It's all for a season. When my current day is filled with tantrums and time-outs and spankings (Yes, even those) and toys everywhere and blankies and monkeys and dirt and finding rocks everywhere in my house, I need to remember, this is only a season. And all too soon, I'll miss this crazy toddler season just as I miss the baby season. And for the record, in that up all night baby season, I couldn't wait for this toddler crazy season. It's all about perspective.
So, for those of you who just wish for any child season, know that I'm praying for you. No matter what crazy season we have in Levi's life, I can't thank God enough for the miracle of Levi's life. But that doesn't make the seasons any less difficult. It just makes me thankful for the lessons in them. :)
So for those of you who are parents and will appreciate the humor in this, and for those of you who aren't but will laugh anyway, enjoy this: (But for those who want no complaining about being a parent, don't read.)
Having an extra toddler a lot of this week has had me thinking. At times talking about twins seems overwhelming, like the 3/4/5am feedings that could happen. At other times, when they entertained themselves for 15 minutes blowing on the glass door, it makes sense.
The lesson? In every situation, hardship, life cycle, tantrum, teething, sleep-deprived moment, I need to remember this:
IT'S ONLY FOR A SEASON.
There's a cute new 3 1/2 week old bundle in this world. Her Momma is a dear friend to me. Baby weighs less than 7 pounds. Which means 2 more pounds than Levi at birth. Here's the thing. I don't remember. As I hold her little tiny frame, I can't remember exactly how it felt to hold a tiny boy smaller than that. It kind of makes me want to cry. Because all those days/weeks in the hospital, all the wires, all the tubes, the feedings, the sleepless nights, they seemed to be never-ending and all-consuming. And they were, for that season. But it's gone, and I don't know if they'll ever happen again.
I remember when I was pregnant with Levi, wondering who he was and what he'd be like. And today as his 23 pound skinny frame runs around my kitchen and then grabs my legs in a bear hug, I know my boy. It's so fun to get the hugs and kisses and hear "Daddy-a's truck" "Dex, Obie, Car, Noises, Eyes" etc...
But I do wish I could remember his teeny-tiny frame.
So, It's all for a season. When my current day is filled with tantrums and time-outs and spankings (Yes, even those) and toys everywhere and blankies and monkeys and dirt and finding rocks everywhere in my house, I need to remember, this is only a season. And all too soon, I'll miss this crazy toddler season just as I miss the baby season. And for the record, in that up all night baby season, I couldn't wait for this toddler crazy season. It's all about perspective.
So, for those of you who just wish for any child season, know that I'm praying for you. No matter what crazy season we have in Levi's life, I can't thank God enough for the miracle of Levi's life. But that doesn't make the seasons any less difficult. It just makes me thankful for the lessons in them. :)
So for those of you who are parents and will appreciate the humor in this, and for those of you who aren't but will laugh anyway, enjoy this: (But for those who want no complaining about being a parent, don't read.)
Monday, August 01, 2011
Good Morning Tornado Sirens
Levi's cutting his 2-year-old molars. He's 19-months-old. I have problems with that, but whatever. He generally was a pretty good baby cutting teeth wise. Maybe a little fever (maybe), maybe a few nasty diapers, maybe some drooling, maybe some gumming, maybe some crying. His first molars were the worst. They seem like a walk in the park compared to these. Ugh. Fever started Saturday, 103 most of the day. Crabby/lethargic boy. By yesterday he was chewing on his fingers saying owie and being a HUGE crank. Not a good nap that day, and going to bed? BAH! I tried to put him to bed around 10:30...then a bat started flying around the house. A bit later Andrew had well, "displaced" the creature, and we tried again. Until 1am when the nonstop crying started. Around 2:30 Andrew took Levi to the living room and rocked him to sleep. By 4 he tried to put him back in bed, more crying, by 5am, Levi was in our bed thankfully resting a little bit.
7:15am. Weather Radio goes off again, it's been storming since midnight or so. This time, it's for a tornado warning. As my brain computes this the town's tornado sirens go off. Andrew grabs the dog, opens the door for the upstairs tenant to run to the basement, and I grab Levi and run downstairs. Thankfully we're fairly unharmed but south of us, well, it was really windy and lots of damage.
It continued to storm until noon or so. The dog has probably lost a few years of his life in shaking in fear. Levi thought it was fun to watch. Me? I tried to sleep some on the couch.
Levi is so far sleeping ok for his nap. I'm praying this nap goes well. As well as the one I'm about to go take. This weather and teeth are just nuts. I guess at least they came together? Not sure. Why do we need molars anyway?
I may sound testier than I am. I feel so bad for my boy and his pain. I wish I could ease it for him. We're trying, we really are little boy. I wish I could do it for you. If it's any consolation, I must have lived through it...
7:15am. Weather Radio goes off again, it's been storming since midnight or so. This time, it's for a tornado warning. As my brain computes this the town's tornado sirens go off. Andrew grabs the dog, opens the door for the upstairs tenant to run to the basement, and I grab Levi and run downstairs. Thankfully we're fairly unharmed but south of us, well, it was really windy and lots of damage.
It continued to storm until noon or so. The dog has probably lost a few years of his life in shaking in fear. Levi thought it was fun to watch. Me? I tried to sleep some on the couch.
Levi is so far sleeping ok for his nap. I'm praying this nap goes well. As well as the one I'm about to go take. This weather and teeth are just nuts. I guess at least they came together? Not sure. Why do we need molars anyway?
I may sound testier than I am. I feel so bad for my boy and his pain. I wish I could ease it for him. We're trying, we really are little boy. I wish I could do it for you. If it's any consolation, I must have lived through it...
Sunday, June 26, 2011
What to say...
I've been struggling all week with wanting to post something, but not having the words. Believe it or not, I don't or can't share everything in my life. Now is such a time.
So I'll say as much as I can while being as transparent as I can.
The End.
Just kidding. But really, please just trust me and if anything, just pray.
Because we need your prayers. I can't even begin to find words. I don't know what to say.
So on to what I do know:
God is sovereign
I am soooo very thankful for our anniversary weekend. God was melting our hearts together again in preperation for a need to love beyond all imagination.
My husband is the biggest blessing in my life after salvation. God knew I needed him. There really aren't the words to describe to you how amazing he is. I love you Andrew.
My son is such a source of joy. Levi Nathaniel, not a day goes by that you don't make me belly laugh. You also 'cause me to hit my knees and pray for wisdom beyond this world. Thank you for your "MWA" kisses and your love and your laughter. I love you.
Precious friends who will drop everything for you are priceless. I have been blessed with an abundance of them. Julie, Katie, Pati, Lynette, Jo, Christi, Val, and others, my life would be so empty without you. Thank you for loving on us.
Good music with amazing words are gifts from God. This song I shared a few weeks back was so timely put into my life. God knew I needed the words to get me through literally the longest night of my life. Here it is below for your enjoyment again.
I'm sorry I can't be more clear, I just can't right now. Just know that we appreciate your prayers, that we're okay :), and that God really does know our hearts. Thanks.
So I'll say as much as I can while being as transparent as I can.
The End.
Just kidding. But really, please just trust me and if anything, just pray.
Because we need your prayers. I can't even begin to find words. I don't know what to say.
So on to what I do know:
God is sovereign
I am soooo very thankful for our anniversary weekend. God was melting our hearts together again in preperation for a need to love beyond all imagination.
My husband is the biggest blessing in my life after salvation. God knew I needed him. There really aren't the words to describe to you how amazing he is. I love you Andrew.
My son is such a source of joy. Levi Nathaniel, not a day goes by that you don't make me belly laugh. You also 'cause me to hit my knees and pray for wisdom beyond this world. Thank you for your "MWA" kisses and your love and your laughter. I love you.
Precious friends who will drop everything for you are priceless. I have been blessed with an abundance of them. Julie, Katie, Pati, Lynette, Jo, Christi, Val, and others, my life would be so empty without you. Thank you for loving on us.
Good music with amazing words are gifts from God. This song I shared a few weeks back was so timely put into my life. God knew I needed the words to get me through literally the longest night of my life. Here it is below for your enjoyment again.
I'm sorry I can't be more clear, I just can't right now. Just know that we appreciate your prayers, that we're okay :), and that God really does know our hearts. Thanks.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
I Know Him, and I Call Him Daddy
The God of Isaiah 40. I know Him.
The God of verse 1 who is a God of comfort. I know Him.
The God of verses 4-6 who deserves all the glory. I know Him.
The God of verse 8 who's words last forever, I know Him.
The God of might in verse 10, I know Him.
The God who gently leads me as a mother in verse 11. I know Him well.
The God of incomprehensible greatness and understanding and strength in verses 12-26, I want to know Him more.
The God of verses 27-31? He is the God who has brought me to this point in my life. He is the God I clung to in the NICU watching my son's every heartbeat on a monitor. He is the God who gave me strength when I had none. Who heard my every heart's groaning when I couldn't even find words to pray. He is the God who loves me, died for me, and knows my heart. The God who wants me to wait, and will give me strength in the waiting, when I have none of my own. I know Him, and I call Him Daddy.
Don't base your view of God as a Daddy on your earthly father. Rather, base your view of your earthly father on God, the perfect Father. The self-proclaimed Daddy (Matthew 6:9, The Lord's Prayer shouldn't be translated Father, but Abba, which means Daddy)who knows my every hurt and loves me perfectly.
I know this God, but not well enough. But I can call Him Daddy. And He hears me.
The God of verse 1 who is a God of comfort. I know Him.
The God of verses 4-6 who deserves all the glory. I know Him.
The God of verse 8 who's words last forever, I know Him.
The God of might in verse 10, I know Him.
The God who gently leads me as a mother in verse 11. I know Him well.
The God of incomprehensible greatness and understanding and strength in verses 12-26, I want to know Him more.
The God of verses 27-31? He is the God who has brought me to this point in my life. He is the God I clung to in the NICU watching my son's every heartbeat on a monitor. He is the God who gave me strength when I had none. Who heard my every heart's groaning when I couldn't even find words to pray. He is the God who loves me, died for me, and knows my heart. The God who wants me to wait, and will give me strength in the waiting, when I have none of my own. I know Him, and I call Him Daddy.
Don't base your view of God as a Daddy on your earthly father. Rather, base your view of your earthly father on God, the perfect Father. The self-proclaimed Daddy (Matthew 6:9, The Lord's Prayer shouldn't be translated Father, but Abba, which means Daddy)who knows my every hurt and loves me perfectly.
I know this God, but not well enough. But I can call Him Daddy. And He hears me.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Discretion
I wanted to title this post Honesty, but I think I may have used that in the past. Probably used Discretion before too. I like one-word, deep-thinking titles. Anyway...
I've been thinking a lot lately. About a lot of stuff. But the big thing God has been impressing on my heart is the need in our relationships for total honesty. Especially with my husband, but more than that in my friendships. How often do I not be transparent because of my insecurities? How often do I not give details with a prayer request (my own) because I don't want to be misunderstood?
Here's the thing, I'm a daughter of the King. I have a royal priesthood in Christ. So really, who cares what people think if I'm truly trying to honor God? And here's the other thing, Satan is the father of lies, the master deceiver. So often I buy into the lie and am deceived that no one really cares. And it is a LIE. From you-know-where.
And so I've been opening up. And here's the best thing. It has lead to incredible blessing. Yes, there will be hurt, there will be mistrust and I'll probably get used at some point.
But that's okay. No, I shouldn't be stupid and poor my heart out to every unsuspecting person. But to trust your friends and fellow brothers and sisters in Christ? Do It!! I have experienced some of the sweetest times of fellowship and growth and learning in the past few months when I've opened up. And Satan has again and again tried to tell me that I'll just be hurt. It's been hard, but it's worth it.
One last thing. I've been thinking then that I should be more open on this blog. After all, I somewhat use it as a journal. After some good thought, probably not so much. I'm already pretty open and that's enough. I love you all, but if you want to know more details, you can get ahold of me. There have to be some boundaries in my life. And the world wide web needs to be corraled. :)
I've also been discouraged that perhaps this blog isn't very intersting. I don't use pictures a lot, and when I do it's not one cute little one with a funny blip. I probably don't leave you wanting more, because I talk a lot. This isn't one of those blogs you probably come to when you want to laugh or see a quick cute post.
But that's okay. Because this is me. I can be funny, but I tend to be a story teller. No matter what I say about holding back I really do share my heart here. And if I'm going to be open and honest then I can't second guess me. Because me is okay. God has made me with words. I'm not incredibly artistic or creative, but I am wordy. I like words. I like using them. That's why music to me must have good words. Because it's the soul of music.
So, this has been a lot of words, some pretty poor grammar (and another thing...), and it's been real.
To keep us more real, some cuteness for you to enjoy.
Levi, one year ago. Crazy the difference a year makes.
I've been thinking a lot lately. About a lot of stuff. But the big thing God has been impressing on my heart is the need in our relationships for total honesty. Especially with my husband, but more than that in my friendships. How often do I not be transparent because of my insecurities? How often do I not give details with a prayer request (my own) because I don't want to be misunderstood?
Here's the thing, I'm a daughter of the King. I have a royal priesthood in Christ. So really, who cares what people think if I'm truly trying to honor God? And here's the other thing, Satan is the father of lies, the master deceiver. So often I buy into the lie and am deceived that no one really cares. And it is a LIE. From you-know-where.
And so I've been opening up. And here's the best thing. It has lead to incredible blessing. Yes, there will be hurt, there will be mistrust and I'll probably get used at some point.
But that's okay. No, I shouldn't be stupid and poor my heart out to every unsuspecting person. But to trust your friends and fellow brothers and sisters in Christ? Do It!! I have experienced some of the sweetest times of fellowship and growth and learning in the past few months when I've opened up. And Satan has again and again tried to tell me that I'll just be hurt. It's been hard, but it's worth it.
One last thing. I've been thinking then that I should be more open on this blog. After all, I somewhat use it as a journal. After some good thought, probably not so much. I'm already pretty open and that's enough. I love you all, but if you want to know more details, you can get ahold of me. There have to be some boundaries in my life. And the world wide web needs to be corraled. :)
I've also been discouraged that perhaps this blog isn't very intersting. I don't use pictures a lot, and when I do it's not one cute little one with a funny blip. I probably don't leave you wanting more, because I talk a lot. This isn't one of those blogs you probably come to when you want to laugh or see a quick cute post.
But that's okay. Because this is me. I can be funny, but I tend to be a story teller. No matter what I say about holding back I really do share my heart here. And if I'm going to be open and honest then I can't second guess me. Because me is okay. God has made me with words. I'm not incredibly artistic or creative, but I am wordy. I like words. I like using them. That's why music to me must have good words. Because it's the soul of music.
So, this has been a lot of words, some pretty poor grammar (and another thing...), and it's been real.
To keep us more real, some cuteness for you to enjoy.
Levi, one year ago. Crazy the difference a year makes.
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