Maternity Photo Bomb :)

It's April 4th. I'm still pregnant. If we make it to Saturday it will be 34 weeks. I've never been pregnant that long. And it's definitely looking like I will be this time. If not longer. That's just crazy. I was reading the post I wrote back on January 31st. I was 24 weeks pregnant. I was praying and hoping for at least 10 more weeks without bedrest, and here we are. And not just hanging on by our fingernails. We're cruising. Nothing has happened to make us (Me, Andrew, Our AMAZING Doctor) think that I won't go 36+ weeks. This baby is proving to be tough stuff and making all our concerns seem silly. Ha, actually it's God and His amazing power and a few people I know who are praying I get huge and uncomfortable and go really long. Yeah, I've reached the first 2 of those. :) Seriously, I could really complain if I wanted to, but I won't, because I'm trying to toughen up.

One amazing gift in this pregnancy? We were actually able to do some family/maternity/Levi's 2 year photos. I just got the CD with all of them today and I'm so thrilled and overwhelmed. (Here's the facebook link to the dear friend who did them for us, she's great!)

This actually takes a bit of courage for me to post a few of these photos. I can't say that I love my pregnant body. Because I do look at the extra inches and pounds that maybe didn't have to be there and then start to critique myself. But here's the thing, even if I never lose the weight, if I'm always a little bit "fluffier" than I want to be, it's worth it.
This baby is a prayed for miracle, and no matter what, I will be thankful. And with the struggle that eating and not eating and being full and not being hungry and starving and blood sugar has been this pregnancy, who the heck really cares?
Okay enough words, now for some good stuff, like the amazing cuteness of my son.

Soul Recharged

I'm sitting in Starbucks savoring the last few sips of my white mocha and also my weekend. I know, it's Monday. But to us, that's weekend. Andrew works Saturday mornings so our "days off" are Sunday and Monday. This "weekend"? We dropped Levi off with some dear friends and the dog also was displaced with some church friends and then we headed West. Literally. To another state. Well, like 2 miles into it. But hey, over 100 miles from home definitely counts. We had booked our stay at the best hotel available. Our friends' home. Seriously. MUCH BETTER than paying $70+ a night and WAY more relaxing. I was overwhelmed by their hospitality. Seriously. A drawer in the bathroom labeled "if you forgot" (Ha, I think I stole your 2 bobby pins Nicole, my bangs thank you.) Cookies and snacks and water bottles in our room, and not cooking all weekend? Yep, delightful. I definitely wouldn't have been so relaxed nor laughed as much at a "real" hotel.

This weekend was our thrifty getaway plan for some time away as a couple before this baby comes or bedrest or whatever may happen. We've been feeling the strain lately of just being busy and frankly, lonely for each other. I get so focused on being Mommy so many days that my poor husband loses a wife. Or loses a patient, loving, serving wife. It's so good to take a break and remind ourselves that we are still best friends and still LOVE spending time with each other. And to spend some time with dear friends and just laugh together. And eat yummy food, and cuddle. Lots of cuddles. To remember we're US. Not just you and me. And to set some goals for the future and some plans for daily life to make reconnecting a daily or weekly thing.

Life will probably only get a little more chaotic as we get closer to and do have this baby. So we're determined to set some plans and goals in place and to make some choices to allow us to keep the intimacy between us alive. Not just the "Honey can you get the diaper?" Kind of stuff.

And I was so reminded and convicted of my heart toward my husband. I can't imagine life without him, ever, but sometimes I sure live like he's here to make my life easier. My helpmeet role needed some refreshing.

My soul needed some recharging as well. God's been beckoning me to be refreshed in Him alone, and as usual, I've been pushing that calling aside for all the busy stuff of life and daily needs of my family.

Short term goal? Get Levi to bed at the right time so that I go to bed at least a half hour earlier and therefore get up a little bit before him to start my day with the LORD. I need that. I crave that. More than my sleep. Choices. Other short term goal? Read 1 book a week. I used to read MULTIPLE books a week. So it made a book a week seem silly. But since my current path is not reading AT ALL, I needed a small goal. I'm on day 8, still have a few chapters left in this current book. But I'm conscious of the goal. And working towards it. Progress.

It's time to hit the road to pick up the dog and toddler. I'm ready. My soul is refreshed and ready to face the days ahead. With a daily conversation with the Lord and my husband in mind. ;)

Looking At You Baby

On Monday, I had a scheduled appointment in a larger city to the South East with a Perinatologist (high risk) Dr. and to have a level II ultrasound. Basically we spent over an hour with an ultrasound sonographer while she looked at every possible aspect of our baby and her surroundings. She looked for vessels and veins and joints and things I didn't even know existed. Seriously. Like normally teeny-tiny veins leading out of places I didn't even know were there. It was amazing to watch our baby girl for well over an hour kick and tumble around. It was awesome to see her roll around as I was feeling it too. We've had lots of ultrasounds, but none so in depth or so long. All I could think of as we watched the sonographer look at every little perfect detail of our baby who weighs less than a can of soda, was what the Psalmist said in Psalm 139:
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”
12 even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.
13 For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.[a]
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.

It boggles my mind that at less than a foot long our baby is so perfectly and intricately complete. Oh yes, she has lots of growing and developing to do, but everything is there and working. Her 4 chambers of her heart are pumping blood faster than we could imagine, her brain is sending signals for blood flow all over her body. Her little kidneys, gallbladder, bladder, stomache, all working and preparing for life outside my womb. Oofda. No wonder the Psalmist said "Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well."

I've never really cried at an ultrasound of any of our living babies before. But I did this one, when the tech zoomed in on her wonderful profile and said "Hi Baby". I lost it. Because I can't wait to meet her. She looks beautiful. I already know how wonderful her big brother is, and I miss her older siblings that are with Jesus like crazy. So it makes it all the more special to see her beautiful profile and be so impatient to kiss her face and get to know her.

And in case you were wondering, she's perfect, really and truly perfect. Everything is working right and is there. There's a spot they check on the top of the spine at the base of the brain to make sure it's all closed over and correct. If it is, it rules out something like 90% of genetic deformaties. Her's is perfect.
We were told to expect 32-34 weeks gestation for delivery again, due to numerous things not related to her or her body, but similar to Levi's birth. We're prepared for whatever God has, and we're just so thankful for her wonderful life.

And now, the good stuff, some pictures. :) The cool thing about this appointment was they immediately burned about 12 photos of stuff during the ultrasound onto a CD for us to take home. Very cool and fun and precious memories.
The very cool profile that made me cry.

Our Precious Baby, that's her hand up by her mouth there.

Her leg is all stretched out here: Yes, she was kicking me. :)

I think this is the coolest picture of baby girl's leg, you can see the whole thing, so perfect!

And to see the details, her perfect foot, every bone just right.


After watching our Baby Girl kick around for over an hour and hearing relatively great news, I was finally able to go out and buy some girl clothes. Savers in this town had a 50% day on Monday, which was awesome. I not only found a few maternity things for me, but some super cute bigger girl stuff for Baby. It was a big step for me to actually spend money on this baby. I still struggle with days of fear, so stepping out and doing something tangible to say "this baby is reality and I choose to believe I will meet her and need things" was a big deal.
And the afternoon was very fun, Christi and her 4 girls came with to watch Levi during the appointment and to go to lunch and shopping with us. They all got to see some of the ultrasound and see baby. We had so much fun having them with us, and the girls all give excellent clothes opinions. :)

I'm still in awe of the Babe growing inside me. I loved being pregnant with Levi, but I don't think I grasped the miraculousness of it quite as much. After his crazy arrival, losing 3 babies, and now watching this one grow, I think I am beginning to understand just how precious and miraculous life is. Our God truly does do wonderful works, my soul will praise Him.

Happy Birthday Levi!

Levi turned 2 on Sunday, December 18th! In the days leading up to it I couldn't help but think of the difference from a year ago, and then 2 years ago. 2 years ago was totally crazy, being in the hospital for 2 weeks simply waiting, almost bored to tears just simply waiting for baby to appear. And then the craziness of 17 days in the NICU with my tiny son. Last year, I simply was breathing and living for the sake of celebrating my son's birthday and Christmas. His birthday signified all taht we'd been through and after losing one baby, the hope that may be ahead.

This year? It was just plain fun! Levi started to figure out when we asked "how old are you?" that "2!" was the right answer. I have this "thing" about making birthday cakes. I really have decided that I as Momma need to be the one to make my kids cakes. I have several friends who are really, really talented and make yummy and beautiful cakes. Mine taste pretty good but look a little less than gorgeous. But I still think it's important that I put out the effort to make something they will enjoy. There may be years where that just isn't the case, but so far, I've made both of Levi's cakes. Last year was a from scratch chocolate sheet cake with cool (real) little bulldozers/dump truck/diggers on top. I used brown frosting for dirt and some cool chocolate rocks to make it really realistic. This year? I have a boy who loves his monkey. Literally, he has a small stuffed monkey his Grandma gave him and he loves it. So I decided a monkey cake it would be. We went to the dollar store and picked up some plates and napkins and a few decorations for the party, and Levi wanted the snowman and snowflake plates/napkins. I gave him several options and those were the ones he wanted. I should have taken the hint and just made a snowman cake. 3 circles and a hat, how simple would that be? But no, I spent most of the afternoon and late into the night Saturday creating a monkey. It was so worth it, despite a frosting mishap and more crumbs than I cared for after cutting out all the little features. It was far from perfect, but was recognizable as a monkey and pretty cute too. :)

Levi thought it was pretty tasty. :) He asked for "more!".

Then it was present time! He did pretty well opening all the presents despite all the people and just wanting to play with the ones he had already opened.


Pretty fun presents!
This one ranked up in his favorites. Grammie & Grampie Preston got Levi a "Thomas Train" yellow bulldozer train to go with his wood train set we added too. He loves diggers and Thomas Train so he was pretty much in love. He slept with it that night. Then Christi & her girls got him an orange Thomas Train and now he has one for each hand.

Due to having so many gifts to open we let him open some from us later that evening and then Will & Val & Kiernan brought Levi a gift when they came to spend the night on Monday and then he got to open his Christmas gifts from Christi's girls yesterday. Needless to say he now thinks he should get to open a present every day. It took some convincing today that he needed to leave the gifts under the tree alone until Christmas day. He really obeys well but you can tell he wants to dig in. :)

Levi, I can't believe it's been 2 years since I heard your first little tiny miraculous cries. You were so tiny, but so perfect, and you were ours. You have come so very far and grown so very much. You are the joy of our lives. We are so thankful for you and for your life. You are our big boy and my baby all at once. I love you more than you will ever know. I pray big things for you.

I pray that Jesus will call you early in life, that you will choose to follow Him with your whole heart and life. I pray that you will be a world-changer, an extraordinary young man in your generation. That you will lead your generation to know Christ in a real and tangible way. That you will stand up for the weak and opressed, be a champion for those who can't champion themselves. That your life and words will be full of grace and gentleness, but that you will always speak truth and love. I pray for a woman who you will love and who will love you in return. For you to be a strong servant-leader husband who loves with his whole heart. To lead your children to Christ in a strong way, and to always be the Daddy they need. I pray you will always enjoy coming to visit. :)

I love you Levi, you are my gift from God. I love being your Mommy and am so thankful I get to spend almost every day with you. You challenge me to be more than I thought I could, and I will never regret my time with you.

Happy Birthday Precious Boy!

What's On My Mind

I have so many random things going through my head, so maybe I should do bullet points. :) There may be no cohesiveness to this post then.

~I've been feeling the baby move off and on for a few weeks now. Which is awesome, except that it's also nerve-wracking. Because it's not consistent for a while. And when you feel the baby one day and not the next...ugh. More trust huh?

~Michelle Dugar (you know, 19 kids and counting) just announced that she miscarried at 19 weeks. Ugh again. Tear my heart out. And take my breath away. Scary. Again, trust. And prayers for their family.

~Andrew has blessed our family hugely and gotten a second job, at least for the Christmas season. It may last longer as the large chain store is renovating. It's crazy weird and hard to not have him around in the evenings or weekends. We are SO proud of him for working so hard. In fact, Levi can say that. "Daddy...(long pause) HARD!" Translation: Daddy workin' hard! Levi also says "Daddy 'Mazing!" Translation: Daddy Amazing! Yes, I taught him those things. I love my husband, and I'm so thankful for him. I want Levi and I to do all we can to encourage him. It's hard, it's very hard to not have him here. Levi really misses his Daddy when he's working both jobs. And I really miss my friend and the help he is. So many hours of single parenting can be trying. Which leads me to thankfullness. I am SO very thankful to be married to a man who loves being with his family. Who plays and spends so much time with his son that his son can't help but miss him. Who is such an encouragement and relief and partner to me. Who loves his family. So instead of griping and being nasty to him, I'll be honest, I'll tell him we miss him, but that we are so thankful for him. It also makes me pray extra hard for the single moms I know. Because I CAN NOT imagine. At least I know that there are days when we get to spend time with Andrew. That he's only a phone call away. That he's doing this 'cause he loves us and wants to take care of us. I am NOT alone. I can't imagine the women and men who do this on a daily basis with no support or spouse to love and encourage them. So know this, I'm praying for you.

~Levi's second birthday is 10 days away. I'm so excited and yet in a little bit of shock I think. It's been a crazy year for us, and I can't believe it went so fast. And I love Levi sooo much and can't wait for his excitement over cake and presents to unwrap. :) I'm sure it will be great fun. And no, I wouldn't want him to stay little forever. It's just crazy how short a time little really is.

~We have an appointment with the perinatologist and geneticist and not sure who all in a few weeks. I think I mentioned this. It's got me excited and nervous all at once. I'm excited to learn more about our baby girl and what to expect for the future of this pregnancy. I'm nervous because it may not all be good news. But we know and choose to trust God knows every step in this pregnancy, and He knows every moment of this baby girl's life.

~Can you tell trust is the theme of my life right now? Guess what? I don't do it well. I sometimes just push the fear away rather than fighting it. But my heart's cry is to fully trust God no matter what. And here's the thing. No matter how well I do or don't trust, I do know this: God is sovereign. So no matter if I choose to trust or not, He is still in control. He wants me to choose to trust, but even if I don't, He's still on the throne. Which makes me want to work at and choose to trust Him even more.

~This baby seems to want to make her presence very well known. The maternity pants have been pulled out. I was told to expect this with a second or 4th or whatever pregnancy. But still, hard to believe. Thankful for maternity pants though. :) So much more comfortable.

I think that's all I have on my brain for tonight. :) Again, thank you for your prayers, we love them and so appreciate them!

All Things Pink

Blogger apparently decided to hate me for a few days, so I haven't been able to log in and officially confirm the news of "It's A...". Hopefully we're friends on facebook and you saw the cupcake already. If not, here ya go:


Yep, Pink it is!! I know it doesn't mean anything, but I really thought it was a girl the whole time, so I was very excited and ready when the Dr. said "Girl!". Andrew's excited, as excited as he gets. We both would have been very, very happy with 2 boys, but a girl is pretty neat. I told Andrew "good work". I know some people's ideal is a boy and a girl, but in reality, until this pregnancy, I only wanted boys. But now that it's reality, I'm very excited to have a daughter. Levi can say "Baby Sister" very well already. :) We're sure he has no idea what that means, but oh well. A dear, sweet, precious woman in my life brought me a baby gift today, of 3 pink and yellow outfits. PINK!!! She said I needed to visualize. Oh My Word! So excited!! I told Andrew it's a good thing it's not garage sale season. I may have gone a little crazy if it was. Another dear friend offered to make us cloth diapers with ruffles on the bottom. HA! I love it!! We've already discussed and somewhat decided on what to do to the kids room to make it less blue and more girlie while still being boy/girl friendly. Thankfully we have some talented friends in our lives.

In reality, it scares me a little to have a girl. I want our kids to be friends, and somehow 2 boys seemed less dangerous than a boy and a girl. I know (even from other people) that that doesn't assure anything, so it's just an irrational fear. A girl also seems to put a little more pressure on me. After all, Levi just has to model after his Daddy. A girl? Yep, that would be me she's watching. I know, I know, all kids watch both parents. But still.

Some of the exciting things? As one friend pointed out "Now you get to be the Mother of the Bride someday!" Ha! Love it! And I simply cannot wait to see Andrew with a daughter. I have the feeling he'll melt. A lot. She'll have him wrapped so tightly around her finger. And I'll love it.

I feel so very blessed. One thing I did want to dispel was the thought that having a boy and girl makes our family complete. It may or may not be. That's up to the Lord. But the two of us, Andrew and I, we do not fall into the category of believing that one of each is all we want or hope for. We will take each child as they come, and treasure their lives.

A Girl! The first Granddaughter on both sides. My parents have all grandsons so far so they are pretty excited. :) And since we have the only kids on Andrew's side, we're doing a good job of covering all the gaps.

Baby girl, We love you so much already. We are so excited for your arrival and thankful for your life. We'll love you to pieces, always.

Finally

I know, I know, it's been a while again. Here's the thing, when you can't write about the biggest thing you want to write about, it's hard to come up with meaningful thoughts that don't revolve around that thing. Confused?

.

..

...

....

.....

......

.......

........

.........



Meet the Newest Baby Preston.

And I'm crying. :) Tears of Joy. We've been waiting, and waiting to share. Even now I'm fighting the fear of "going public". I'm afraid as soon as we "announce" that something will happen to baby. Fear has been a big factor in this pregnancy. But God is gracious and patient, and I'm learning on a whole new level what trust REALLY means.

So baby is 12 1/2 weeks along. This ultrasound is with the baby facing you, so the eye sockets can look kind of creepy. You can see baby's leg all stretched out on the left and in the middle there's kind of a bright white streak of the arm and then just below that you can actually see the bones of a hand. Baby was moving all over for this ultrasound and the heart has been strong and Baby just looks great! We've been seeing the Dr. A LOT, we are so blessed with a Dr. who has walked us through every step of our family's journey and understands all we've been through. She loves letting us check on Baby every week. The scariest/most anxious week was that week between 7 and 8 weeks. We saw the Dr. twice that week, just to keep an eye out. That was the week where we'd lost the last 3 babies (2 pregnancies). By 8 weeks 2 days it was very evident this baby was still strong and growing limbs. :) I thought I'd be super relieved, and I was, but fear can be powerful. So we're praying and trusting and hoping.

It's been a rough pregnancy, I've never been so sick. People tend to say that being sick is a good sign of a healthy pregnancy. I don't totally agree because I was sick with every pregnancy, but this has definitely been the worst. I'm so thankful for a wonderful and supportive husband who knows how to cook. :) There were some really rough weeks in there where it took everything I posessed to just stay alive and care for Levi. We read lots of books in those weeks. And praise the Lord for Sesame Street and Signing Time. But I think we're on the upswing. I finally feel like actually seeing and talking to people again. And not just puking on their shoes. No matter what though, I'm so thankful to be pregnant. People can be a little less than careful shall we say, and when they hear you're sick share stories of people who were sick their entire pregnancies. Not exactly encouraging when you wonder if you'll ever have color in your cheeks again and actually WANT to eat. But even if I am sick the entire time, that's ok. Because Baby is SO worth it.

There's so much more to share, and in the days to come I will. I'll share some thoughts on the future weeks and what we expect the rest of this pregnancy to look like. But for now, some of my more predominant thoughts.

When I first saw the 2 pink positive lines on the pregnancy test, 8 weeks ago, I would be lieing if I told you I jumped for joy. In that moment I severely questioned our decision to try again for another baby. Because it had been so recent since we'd lost the twins. But in that fleeting second of "Lord, Please, I can't do this again" I chose a different attitude. I literally said in my mind "Lord, you created this life. You chose this baby for us and are forming it's parts, so let me rejoice in that miracle. I WILL rejoice in what you have made." It was so early, baby wasn't even a centimeter big yet, but I knew from the moment this baby was conceived, that God had planned it's life. So we would rejoice, no matter what. I am SO thankful that it appears we will get to meet this baby on this earth, but even if we don't, this baby has been a blessing from God.

Which leads to my second thought, bonding. I have to say that watching this baby grow is so different from Levi. I think with your first child you of course love and want this baby. But you don't quite grasp the reality of what that will look like. You don't understand that the moment you hear that child's first cry, your heart is now living outside your body. That your very being will love that child more than you can ever comprehend. Now, this time? I see Levi, I see the love and the intense emotion I experience for him. So I get it a little better. I feel like I've already bonded so much with this baby. I so anticipate every little whimper and sigh and snuggle and little fingers and toes to kiss. Yes, there will be rough days of course, but I can't wait to meet this little one. For I see the love and joy that I've experienced with Levi, and I can only imagine and anticipate how that will simply multiple for this next Baby.

So, there you have it. Finally, something to talk about. :) We do want to say that we so would appreciate all of your prayers and blessings for this Baby. We've been praying from day 1 for God's protection for this Baby and we continue to do so. We also choose to trust God's plan is best. But we do pray with hope and longing that this Babe is here to stay for now. So thank you, for sharing our joy and praying for us. We are so thankful.

What Not to Write

So less than two months ago I resolved to blog more. And I did. And now? I've run out of words. I'm finding it hard to come up with anything interesting to say. And no, you don't want to read my uninteresting things. I promise. And the fact that almost all of the sentences in this post so far have started with And? Not good.

So I'm writing about not writing. Told you it wasn't interesting. I will say I had one deep thought today. While discussing a pending situation with a friend, I heard myself saying the following "I guess I find it hard to believe God would bestow that much goodness on us at once." And I did about choke after I said it. She totally understood my heart in the matter, but I thought it very telling of my lack of faith that I would even randomly think it. Which lead me to some joy believe it or not. Because I'm going to choose to believe that He would. Bestow that much goodness actually. I'm not going to get all gung-ho, but I'm going to pray believing amazing things may just be happening for us. That maybe, just maybe, our search for faith will be blown wide open and amazed. That doesn't even make sense grammatically, but you get it.

Also in this said conversation with friend? I learned just how much I love her all over again when she made a huge self-sacrificial offer. Wowed me. God DOES overwhelm me with goodness. It just comes in the form of other people sometimes. :)

I'll leave you with a Levi note for today. He's become obsessed, and I do mean totally, with cars and trucks and planes and trains and motorcycles and semis. Said the Canadian way...Semee. Not SemI. He sees a car out the window and you hear about it. He hears a loud motor and assumes it's a "cycle! Cycle!". See a "SEMEE!" Oh and the kid's hearing is crazy. We're inside, eating our breakfast, and he starts yelling out "plane! plane! plane!" because yes indeed, one is flying overhead somewhere and he hears it. A train whistle? Not ignored in this household. I'm kind of assuming this is a normal boy thing, but my goodness is he exact about it. I'm thinking he may have his daddy's DNA just a little and soon know every make and model of cars out there. And I guess I don't mind. He is a boy after all. :)

On The Road Marked

What is your road marked with? No, I'm not talking about your street signs, but rather the lyrics to this popular praise & worship song, Blessed Be Your Name. In particular, these lines:

"Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name"

Since I'm all about openess and sharing my heart this week, I'll share this. It was hard to share. Not in the moment, I knew it was the right thing to do. But now, now it's hard. Because it's out there. You all know the pain and vulnerbility of my heart. I've had lots of encouragement, but some harder questions too. Some people assume because it's my body that's miscarrying, that it's my fault, or at the very least, my body's fault. Which may or may not be true. There may be nothing that can be explained medically. There may be an issue with Andrew's Chromosones that can cause miscarriage. Crazy huh? Here's the thing, it doesn't matter. Shall we point fingers? I think not. Because it doesn't matter. God's in control no matter the physical causes. So let's dwell on the fact that God is sovereign and rest in that.

So yes, it's been a tough few days. But God is still faithful. He will walk us through every road He has for us. When the sun may shine down on us, when the world is "as it should be", or if suffering marks the rest of our lives, and they are full of pain, it's okay. God be glorified no matter what marks our roads. If they are sun covered or pain filled, He knows and should be glorified.

The end of that song goes like this:

"You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name"

Sometimes, when you're in the midst of a painful time, it's actually hard to talk to people sometimes who aren't. Or those people may feel awkward around you because they haven't gone through what you are and feel bad almost, for having a "sunny" life. That's ridiculous. God knows. Yes, when you're in the midst of pain, it is not always easy to not wonder why God doesn't have that for you. But it's not up to us. So no bitterness. He gives and takes away. We MUST CHOOSE to say, Lord, Blessed Be Your Name.

The Story - Blessings

As Promised, a good post for today. This is what we shared with our church family this morning. After several months, we needed to share. It's a long read but one I believe is worth it. I hope it blesses you and encourages to let God work in your life.


Do you know what a Great God we serve? That our God is full of grace, overflowing with mercy? We want to share a bit of that grace and mercy at work with you.

I think almost all of you know the general story surrounding Levi's birth. It was not a totally routine pregnancy, and the last 9 weeks were anything but typical, resulting in his early and miraculous arrival at almost 34 weeks.

I think many of you may know we found out last September that we were again expecting. Considering all the prayers surrounding Levi’s existence, this seemed to be a total miracle from the Lord. Then at less than 8 weeks our baby’s heart stopped beating and we learned it was gone. I won’t go into details except to say this was very hard for us and I struggled for several months just to maintain “normal” and not sink into depression. God was merciful AND gracious and taught me so much through that time. And the Lord and my husband were both so very patient with me.

We were told not to let this miscarriage keep us from having more kids and we purposed to do so. I learned to just pray for hope. After such a battle of accepting God’s will, I just prayed that He would give us some hope to go on. Not just hope to have another child, but hope to conceive again, hope to get through each day.

On May 7th we again learned we were expecting. I immediately saw my Doctor for confirmation and continued to do so every week to make sure everything was going well. We heard the heartbeat several times and could even make it out beating on the screen. On June 10th we celebrated 5 years of married life. It seemed so right to celebrate and was a much needed time.

And in my heart I prayed and prayed. Not just for this baby to live, but for God to prepare me for whatever He had. That no matter what happened with this pregnancy, that He would be glorified, and that I would be totally submitted. Not just to the good in life, but to His Will.

On June 20th we went in for our weekly checkup. This time, the baby did not have a heartbeat. Closer examination proved that there was indeed no heartbeat. But there was also a surprise. There was not 1, but 2 tiny, miniscule babies on the screen. But neither one had a heartbeat. After so many more prayers, we were facing more death and loss. The doctor, I think simply instinctively, called our babies “products of conception” when describing the next steps. I immediately corrected her. They were babies. I know the medical terminology says embryos then fetuses, but we firmly believe they were alive and had life. That from the moment of conception our children had souls and were eternal beings. But it was true that they were gone, and the next day we said good-bye to our little miracles.

I have cried, I have grieved for sure. But here’s the thing, I didn’t feel the despair of the first time. Not just because we’ve been here done that, but because God has answered my original prayer. I had prayed for hope; hope that we would have more children. And what did He do? He gave us 2 little babies. No, they didn’t live. But that doesn’t have to lead to hopelessness. Because I did and do have hope. I choose this time, instead of despair, to immediately give my grief to God. I still feel anger, rage even, but I immediately turn it over to the one who can handle it. I choose to firmly believe in my heart that God’s plan was perfect. Because that is the truth in all of this; that God knows exactly what our family is supposed to look like. These babies were not His perfect plan for us on this earth. But it was His perfect plan for them to be conceived. These losses were not mistakes.

This did not mean that we don’t grieve. I still cry. I still weep at certain songs. I could go on and on and share so much of my heart, but what I really want to share is this. All Glory Be To Our God. The night we learned of our babies’ death, I didn’t sleep much. I cried, I prayed when I could find the words, but most of all, I leaned wholeheartedly on the Lord. God hasn’t walked with us through this, He has carried us. Psalm 34:15 says “the Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Like I said, I have grieved, I am brokenhearted. But I am NOT inconsolable. The first baby we “gave over” to the Lord (I Samuel 1:27-28) it was such a comfort to me to know our child was in Heaven and experiencing no pain. A dear lady shared with me this picture. Here on earth we pray so hard that we will be able to introduce our children to Jesus. But someday, my child (children) will get to introduce me to Jesus. That is an amazing balm to my heart. God knows. This time, I was so comforted already that our babies were safe, that I almost didn’t dwell on that. They were fine, they didn’t need me anymore. Instead, we talked a lot and asked ourselves, “What does God want to do with this?” Basically, what is He trying to accomplish in us and others through this? And will we let Him? I remember in one late night talk with Andrew saying “I don’t want to waste this.” God is doing something in our lives and I don’t want to waste this opportunity. So when I say All Glory Be To Our God, I mean that.

I don’t want to waste this grief, this pain on myself. It’s taken me a while to be willing to be open enough to share about this. We didn’t get to share the joy of the coming babies with many people, and we didn’t immediately share the grief. But we do want to do what I said, not waste this. If we can’t share our grief, and what God is doing, then why go through it? Yes, there are personal struggles, but if I truly believe in the body of Christ, both in this congregation, and in the world, and I believe that we are knit together in Christ, then I will share both my joys and my heartaches.

And so, here is our heartache. We don’t know where we’re going from here. But we do know this, God does. We have not been promised an easy life. The idea that once we trust Christ all will be rosy and ok is a lie from the devil. We will have burdens and sorrows. Christ said in Matthew 11: “Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." The thing is, we do have a yoke and even burdens at times, but with Christ, it will be right. Faith doesn’t make it hurt less, it’s still painful. But faith makes it worth it.

Another thing we’ve learned is to not compare trials. What we’re experiencing isn’t necessarily worse or easier than your life. It’s just ours. I have a friends who lost babies full-term and friends who are waiting to bring their children home. Is their suffering any harder? I’m not sure, because it’s theirs.
God has a different story for each of us, and I just pray that we will be faithful to what He is doing and that we will not waste any of it. Real faith isn’t just asking for something different, it’s submitting to what God has, and embracing it.

Philippians 1:6 says this “And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” We may not see the completion on this earth, but someday, we will be totally complete in Christ. And I firmly cling to this promise in Psalm 63:8 "My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me." God will not fail.
Isaiah 40:25-31
25 To whom then will you compare me,
that I should be like him? says the Holy One.
26Lift up your eyes on high and see:
who created these?
He who brings out their host by number,
calling them all by name,
by the greatness of his might,
and because he is strong in power
not one is missing.
27Why do you say, O Jacob,
and speak, O Israel,
"My way is hidden from the LORD,
and my right is disregarded by my God"?
28 Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.
29He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.
30Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
31but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.”

Most people focus on verse 31 in this passage. I cling to verse 28 and who God is. Because without that, the verses that follow hold no meaning or hope. God does not faint, does not grow weary, and His understanding, His ways, they are unsearchable. God is at the center, not us, not even what is happening to us by Him, it’s not about us, it’s about HIM.

I want to share a song that I heard when I was still pregnant with these babies, and then when we lost them it became a lifeline to my heart. I sang it over and over to myself that first night. I pray that you will see the truth in it and embrace whatever God is trying to do in you today.



And so that's the story. I managed to make it through talking without crying, not so with the song. Because God knows. We appreciate your prayers. We're more than willing to talk about this, if it's a rough day, we'll just tell you so.

Happy Birthday Andrew!!

My amazing husband turns, well, older today. :) I won't make a big deal about his age, he's got a few years until the next milestone. ;)
What I can tell you is how much I love this man. He's a pretty dang good guy. I honestly and truely cannot imagine my life without him.
He's been the biggest gift from God in my life. I cannot fathom how different my life would be if I hadn't married him. He's allowed me to grow and always been so patient with me.

Now, about him. He's pretty handsome, as you can tell from this hot family picture taken this summer at his sister's wedding. He makes a tux look good. :) He was better looking than the groom in my opinion. (I know, duh he's mine, but still, he's pretty cute.)

He's a wonderful husband, and a downright awesome Daddy. Levi adores him and spends his days asking where Daddy is. When Daddy gets home he runs to the door and is so excited to see him.
Andrew loves to bike, hike, walk, swim, kayak, etc. If you're moving, he does it. He values friendships and is the most loyal person I've ever met. He can be a friend to the lowly and "untouchables" of our society. He knows how to be a friend to everyone. I am often amazed at how he can find something to talk about with everyone and anyone. He's pretty cool in that way. He always goes the speed of the slowest person no matter the sport or how good he is. He's got a kind heart. :)
He loves cars and knows pretty much all there is to know about almost all kinds. I see a "cool" car and go "what's that?" and he proceeds to give me a history that includes "in such and such a year they changed the tail light so that's how you know it's that year". Wow...if only I had that brain power.

I could go on and on, but let me tell you a couple cool things. When we were dating he would write me, a lot. By hand. With a stamp and a postmark. My Dad was flabbergasted. Thought I was sending him self-addressed stamped envelopes or something. I have a huge envelope full of the letters I would get several times a week.
Also, on our first official "date" out to dinner (ok, we'd already been dating for 3 weeks or so and got engaged about 7 weeks later, but still) I was sooo nervous. We were on our way to the restaurant and I was thinking, oh, he didn't get me flowers, that's ok. When we got there I was so nervous for some dumb reason. All I could think of was just sit down and order something. So the waitress seats us at the table and I hold onto the menu for dear life. Suddenly Andrew goes "So I got you these flowers." I look up and really look at our table for the first time and right smack in front of my face is a dozen of the most colorful roses I'd ever seen. Sitting there, the whole time. He'd gone beforehand and left them at the restaurant. Oiy. I was overwhelmed and it definitely broke the tension. :)

That's my man in a nutshell, thoughtful and kind.

Andrew, I know that marriage, children, and just life can get crazy at times. We've certainly had our share of curveballs and hardships. I know I get sad and lonely at times. But know this, I love you more than I ever have. I know in my heart that you were the man God had for me, and I think you are wonderful. You amaze me in so many ways, and I love that spending time with me and Levi is one of your favorite things. Thanks for teaching me so many things I never thought I could do, and sharing your loves and passions with me. You've allowed me to grow up in our marriage, and I can't wait to celebrate ALL the rest of your birthdays with you. I'm proud and honored to be your wife. All who speak well of you bless me. I get the privilege of being married to THAT man. And I thank God everyday for you. I love you. Happy Birthday Andrew!

A Day on the Lake

This picture is why my husband is rubbing "Icy Hot" on my shoulders. Or what's left of them. It was a hot and horribly humid day here. Our dear sweet friends (He also happens to be our pastor) :) Darryl & Pati took us out with another friend's daughter on their boat. I somehow ended up spending most of the time being flung about on a tube. Great fun!! And it was sooooo gorgeous on the lake! Not too hot at all there.

Levi got to go for a very calm ride on the tube. He enjoyed being able to watch the "car!". Boat that is. :) All things that go are cars to him. Ah well. He seemed to enjoy riding in the boat while Momma was being whipped about. He was very relaxed and placid. He sat still for such a long time. Kind of weird but nice!

Gillian needed a picture with Levi on the tube. :) Darryl thankfully stayed on board in case of danger. Andrew even got to drive the boat. My man at his manliest?

It really was such a fun and relaxing evening followed by some yummy dinner and s'mores around the campfire. What a way to cast away any cares. I am soooo very thankful for such amazing friends and awesome Pastor & wife. They have blessed us over and over again these last 5 years. They are truely gifts from the Lord. :) And lots of fun too! I may have said something outrageous and got expected response. Hehe...

What to say...

I've been struggling all week with wanting to post something, but not having the words. Believe it or not, I don't or can't share everything in my life. Now is such a time.

So I'll say as much as I can while being as transparent as I can.
The End.

Just kidding. But really, please just trust me and if anything, just pray.

Because we need your prayers. I can't even begin to find words. I don't know what to say.

So on to what I do know:
God is sovereign
I am soooo very thankful for our anniversary weekend. God was melting our hearts together again in preperation for a need to love beyond all imagination.
My husband is the biggest blessing in my life after salvation. God knew I needed him. There really aren't the words to describe to you how amazing he is. I love you Andrew.
My son is such a source of joy. Levi Nathaniel, not a day goes by that you don't make me belly laugh. You also 'cause me to hit my knees and pray for wisdom beyond this world. Thank you for your "MWA" kisses and your love and your laughter. I love you.
Precious friends who will drop everything for you are priceless. I have been blessed with an abundance of them. Julie, Katie, Pati, Lynette, Jo, Christi, Val, and others, my life would be so empty without you. Thank you for loving on us.
Good music with amazing words are gifts from God. This song I shared a few weeks back was so timely put into my life. God knew I needed the words to get me through literally the longest night of my life. Here it is below for your enjoyment again.

I'm sorry I can't be more clear, I just can't right now. Just know that we appreciate your prayers, that we're okay :), and that God really does know our hearts. Thanks.